This is a compelling story. You’ve done a very good job of capturing the mermaid’s perspective and communicating within the limitations of her understanding. I think this is an interesting way to tackle themes of love, communication, monogamy (or promiscuity) and loss. I am unable to restrain myself from pointing out style and grammar errors (I blame my mother), but as you requested I have pointed out some plotting inconsistencies as well. Take what you like and leave the rest.
She saw a gray tabby cat fishing for its dinner. The cat was delighted to tell the mermaid all about life on land. She spoke of her home in the cottage of a fisherman and then led the mermaid to a port so she could see the strange human creatures. Your mermaid sees the cat from the ocean, then is suddenly speaking with it, with no real change of place. Did she swim closer to shore?
The idea of humans without legs seemed to contradict everything she had ever been taught. “But how can they be humans if they don’t have legs?” Omit “seemed to” (too tentative) and change contradict to “contradicted.” It actually DID contradict what she’d been taught.
..., but when she was about to swim home for the night, she saw a woman coming towards her. She glided over the sand. … There is some pronoun confusion here. She saw the woman. She glided over the sand. You’ve got two females here, you’re going to have to explain who did what, instead of just using “she.”…. Then she lifted her strange column and uncovered a pair of long, sleek legs. Faster and faster they moved. Her thighs tightened rhythmically. Her knees bent and rose. Her calf muscles swelled and lifted under her skin that seemed to glow. Her ankles bent and flexed and lengthened; her heels never touched the sand. …. You need to mention forward motion. The motion you’ve described has no direction. Without forward movement, she is not actuall running. This could be that workout scene from Flashdance. (If you don’t know what Flashdance is, don’t tell me. I am very old!) After she had passed, the little mermaid crawled on to the beach to examine the marks that they had left behind. The Mermaid touched the footprints until they smeared and studied the image of the woman in her mind. In this sentence you need to restate the subject before the word “studied.” Without it, this sentence says that the footprints smeared and studied. Also, why do all of the women wear skirts? Is this set in the same time period as the original Little Mermaid? If not, don’t describe the "women" as wearing “columns” - as if they all do. If so, I don’t believe that a woman of that time would lift her skirts in public and go for a mad dash down the beach. In fact, she would do very, very little of what happens in this story.
On the fifth evening she finally saw the woman again. This time she got a closer look. The woman was young and yet not so. She moved with such controlled freedom, such elegant chaos that she seemed like a goddess- eternally young and eternally beautiful, full of the power of the universe. The mermaid felt her own few years to be inadequate. She felt small in such a presence. The language here is compelling and lovely, but is not communicating well. Is she young or not? “Elegant chaos” sounds good, but I have absolutely no idea what that means. Last, to me, a “few” is three, maybe four, tops. Is the mermaid four years old? Omit “few” altogether without losing meaning.
She wondered why the woman covered her body so. A lithe torso such as hers should not have been hidden behind cloth. The mermaid did not understand. The woman’s legs were magic, yes, but the rest of her was too beautiful to be contained, unless the cloth was engineered to let only a glimmer of magic show through. Then the glimmer would only be perceived as harmless beauty. If the clothing were removed the magic would overwhelm the whole world. So, should she cover herself or not? First sentence suggests she should not. Last sentence suggests she must.
The next morning the mermaid found the cat again. “You were right; the women have magical legs. I saw them a pair,?? and now I am under their spell. I want nothing in the world more than to touch her legs and have that magic for myself.”
“Keep following the shore until it becomes a rocky cliff. You have not established that she has already been following. Change “keep following” to “follow.”
That night she found the cave exactly where the cat said it would be. She entered slowly, careful not to disturb the piles of bones that lined the walls. She saw nothing living there. comma instead of period, and lower case so OR Omit so and start a new sentence with she So she called into the darkness, but she omit she received no reply. Instead she felt a cold hand on her shoulder.
Startled, she spun around, and a little scream became omit became caught in her throat. Then omit then she regained her wits and realized that the hand must belong to the creature she had come to find. You don’t need a paragraph break here.
“You have to help me,” she declared with feigned confidence.
She felt a hand on her shoulder. “You should show more respect to someone so much older and wiser than yourself,” whispered a smooth voice in her ear. She spun around She’s facing the “creature” now. She already spun around two paragraphs ago. to see a merwoman, smiling softly and sharply at the same time. Is there a difference between a mermaid and a merwoman? Is it a virginity thing? Or is a merwoman something else entirely – as she may well be with her shark-like fins. I was removed from the action of your story to ponder that. You might want to clear that up.
“I saw a land-woman with beautiful legs. I want a pair of my own so that our legs may run together.” Trouble here. Earlier you went to great length to try to describe running without using the word running. Now, she does know the word, but you haven’t told us why. If she knows the word, use it in that first beach scene. Otherwise, explain why she knows it now (The cat purred, “they’re beautiful when they run, aren’t they?” or something like that.) Also I read this run with the definition of bleed (like colors run – or bleed – together in the wash), because you’ve established that the mermaid doesn’t know the word “run” AND because legs don’t run together, people do. It’s an awkward image.
“Is that all?” She cuckled. cuckled is not a word. Cackled? Chuckled? Clucked?
The mermaid left, hoping that she could forget the land-maiden, but the magic of those legs called her back to the shore. Perhaps she went out of habit. Perhaps the land-woman’s legs really did draw her back with their spell. First she saw black hair blowing in the wind as the woman rounded a bend and ran towards her. This made me chuckle. This is all about the legs, the legs, the legs, then the black hair blowing in the wind. What hair is this? On her legs?
The mermaid could not believe that the woman was standing so close to her. She crouched behind a rock so only her eyes were showing. Not possible, unless the rock has a hole in it. Otherwise, forehead and hair would show, too. There she watched and waited, making hardly a sound. She felt as if omit “as if" she could stay there forever watching light glide over the smoothed angles of the woman’s face and the winds twist her dark hair. As the water swirled around her ankles, the mermaid wondered what the woman might be thinking. She seemed almost to be waiting for the tide to wash her away while the wind pushed her back. Who is the “she” in the last sentence? I can work it out, but I think you should make it clear. The mermaid’s yearning is enough that it COULD be her.
Was her entire body magic? Her eyes certainly were, like her legs so long and lithe. This reads as if her eyes are long and lithe, like her legs.
When the mermaid finally noticed how the man’s lips were on the woman’s mouth. fragment. There’s no verb in this sentence. Omit “when” or add a verb. Also, replace “how” with “that.”
His face twisted as if her were struggling to contain the magic she had given him. This sounds painful.
So omit so that night she returned to the cave of the witch. … She tried to be strong as her voice burned away until she tried repetitive use of the verb “tried” to scream and an alien noise can cameout of her mouth instead.
Spitting and sputtering, dragged herself onto the beach. Fragment. This sentence has no subject. Pebbles stuck in her skin. Then Omit then. You are writing this as it is happening. Anything you write is happening “then.” she collapsed, writhing, twisting, and arching her back as her tail ripped itself omit itself apart. She tried to clench her teeth and accept the pains, but her mouth contorted with every alien can you find another word? You’ve used alien before. groan. Her fingers clawed at the ground and at her own flesh until the world went black.
She searched for some view of her new legs to make her heart pound, some sign of the magic- nothing. Consider making “nothing” its own sentence. It’s stronger that way.
They seemed to beckon and tease as she crawled towards them, never quite within reach. This is awkward. I am assuming the lights are nowhere near within reach. Or has she made it to a dwelling? .
When he discovered that she could not speak, and thus he could not know her named, name he decided to call her Marina.
He took her to town and introduced her to the villagers. Can she walk now? She hasn’t learned yet, or you haven’t described it. Is he carrying her? The former mermaid She needs a name, which I thought was Marina. “The former mermaid” is clunky when used so often. walked towards her while pulling the fisherman’s sleeve.
Did she notice that Marina had no magic of her own? That’s it? They’re introduced and then… nothing. The fisherman wants them to interact, but they don’t. She has been haunted by this human. They need to interact in some way, any way. And you need to end the interaction plausibly. Also, why does the fisherman say that they would want someone to talk to? I thought that from his perspective they can’t talk.
his face appeared almost pained, almost, but not quite. This is not a description of what is, it is a description of what almost is - and so, is not. Can you find a way to describe what is?
As soon as the door closed behind her, she felt herself omit felt herself burst into the night.
There she was, again, the pronoun doesn’t work here. “She” has been the mermaid for the last few paragraphs, now it's Erynn first only a shadow, then a figure in the moonlight. Marina watched her approach the beach then pull off her shoes and break into a run. Marina frantically waded to the shore. When did she go swimming? I thought she was on the shore all along. She lifted her sopping wet gown and tried to run after her. She stumbled over the sand dunes but pulled herself up again, spitting sand. She cried out when she cut her foot on a sharp stone, but she keep kept running.
Erynn’s hands felt as soft as eel skin eel skin brings a gross sensory image to mind. except for a few calluses.
“To see if I could,” she answered with a smile, “and to see if you could. I taught myself to run the same way, sheer determination.” Every once in a while we’re going to need to be reminded whose turn it is to talk, and we need a name or description beyond “she.”
A smile slowly formed on Marina’s face as she began to realize change began to realize to realized. the truth.
There should be some indication of the passage of time. This jump from the meeting on the beach to future meetings is abrupt. The two former mermaids would sneak out to run together every night. They would hold hands and kiss each other’s cheeks. Marina had never been happier. They would tell each other stories. Marina told her how she would spend hours watching the people scurry around the dock. Change these passive verbs “would sneak” “would hold” “would spend” to active ones: snuck, held, spent. Look for the passive verb throughout your piece and replace with active wherever you can.
She enjoyed the time she spent with the fisherman. She did?!?! You’ll want to show us this somehow, as it was a surprise to learn. “Show, don’t tell” and all that.
One night Erynn told Marian how her fiance had just met and fallen in love with another woman. Erynn became so jealous and angry I thought she wanted out of the relationship. Why is she so upset? as she told the story that she threw rocks, shells, driftwood, or anything she could find in the sea. When nothing was left, Nothing is left in the sea? She’s on the beach. The sand is practically infinite. You’ll need another reason for her to stop throwing. she sank to her knees.
She knew the rhythm of her gate gait and the shape of the prints she left behind.
Marina could feel the magic flowing between them so deep inside of her that it caused her knees to buckle and her heart to rise into her throat. Unsettling imagery here. Maybe she felt her heart would rise into her throat. But it hopefully doesn’t.
Some nights they did not run or even meet, but they were always close together. Omit together. It suggests that they are never actually in separate places.
He was not really a man, although he appeared to her as one. Instead, he was a sky spirit who had been hiding his wings under a cape, and this was why he and Erynn could speak to each other. This feels contrived. You’ll need to establish the existence of sky spirits before you toss one in to explain why he can understand her. This portion needs more time. Maybe you could explain the circumstances of the Sky Spirit and Erynn meeting and introduce the mystery there. However, he did not tell Erynn this until she had taken him to meet Marina. He saw how the women held each other, kissed each other’s cheeks and whispered into each other’s ears. He saw how they ran together, and he felt the magic around them. After seeing all this, he thought it best that Erynn know the truth. This reads is if they did all of this running and whispering and kissing when Erynn brought him to meet Marina, at that one particular time.
So after replace so after with when Marina went home for the night, he stayed with Erynn. He kissed her and touched her in every way a woman loves to be kissed and touched. As a woman, I object. Not every woman loves to be kissed and touched in the same ways
“I can not stay here in your world. tell us why he can’t The day after tomorrow I must leave. Why? If you don’t explain these important plot points, they feel contrived. He can’t leave because… he can’t. And implied here is that the ONLY reason he can’t leave is that it serves your plot line.
Marine knew better, but how could she make Erynn understand? She became so frustrated that she began to throw whatever she could find in the water. This temper tantrum is reminiscent of Erynn’s earlier tantrum. Let her show her feelings some other way.
So the two hugged and went their separate ways, After that passionate, emotional argument, this sentence is a real let-down. Marina feels she has lost the love of her life, her reason for living, her soul mate – and she just hugs her and walks away.
A little mermaid peered over the edge of a rock that jutted out of the sea. She held herself so low that no one could see her unless someone were out looking for mermaids. She saw a woman with sharp, strong features. She saw a woman who ran with power, grace, and magic, a woman whose heels never touched the sand. I see the symmetry you are going for here, but the new mermaid also sees a bald woman with bloody hands and no finger tips. Maybe you should write some about the passage of time before Marina encounters the new mermaid.
I do hope I've helped. If not - delete!
Blessings,
MadApple
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"quickly" takes time. But a position doesn't take time to suggest. It may take time for him to understand the meaning of the position, but the position is frozen in time. I suggest changing "quickly" to "immediately." 