I was instantly interested in reading your poem when it said that its about cutting. A friend of mine used to cut..(or probably still does) but i never understood why she did that.No matter how much i asked her..she said she didnt know.After reading your poem i understand that its some kind of an addiction.
Now coming to the job at hand..that is reviewing..i think that with the use of a little punctuation you will be able to express yourself better. For example the following paragraph needs puctuation..i had to read it twice to understand what you were trying to say:
a lustfull monster hates the white light
put i have to put up a fight tonight i'll cry
my self to sleep because your not next to me
please baby i need your help
i think you meant but and not put in the second line?I think placing a semicolon after tonight will clear the confusion.
My favourite part in the poem is:
it doesn't crave the attention
it doesn't crave the love
it craves my flesh
it craves my blood
Please,please if you find my reveiw discourging just donot bother about it at all..it is one opinion only. Keep on writing..you have the potential!!
I like your work..it has a flow to it and keeps the reader involved.I must say the story has reminded me of how i am not thankful to God and am always the first one to complain.
In the beginning paragraphs you have drawn the picture of a perfect situation-things couldnt get better than that and then later, bit by bit the picture gets shattered to pieces. The old man then comes into Hassans life to make him realize how ungrateful he is;even that, as you mentioned, happened by the grace of God.In a nutshell it is a simple story that has a valuable message to it!
I especially like the ending where you mention the aircrash...well that just adds so much flavour to the whole story!And also the P.S note..well the ending cudnt get any better.
I know this is a short story but since i was enjoying reading it i would have liked if it was a bit longer...you can acheive that by taking it slowly..i mean spending more time in explaining about Hassans perfect life.This way you would be able to skecth an even more solid or rather stronger picture in your readers' minds so that when you break the picture..i mean mention how things get worse they would actually be able to feel like Hassan did.(I hope i'm making sense).
Write on! You have the potential to write(i can see that)...you will get better and better...just keep writing!
Best Regards,
Erra
P.S:This is just one opinion,if you find it discouraging it should not stop you from writing.
Wow!! This is amazing...you have summarised the life of a wise person in this poem. I wish we could all learn to act according to the time because we either do not act or when we do it's too late.
The last two lines are inspiring:
There is a time when your world had fallen apart--
Time to pick up the pieces and make a fresh start.
Wow!! This is brilliant!! You have used few words and those too very simple but they are so powerfull. I simply love this piece of work.
This is the first piece of poetry that i have read regarding rape and i must say you have delivered the message so very well.
It was short and well described. You have reminded me of the fantsy world i used to live in, believing in elves and toothfairies etc...i wish it could be like old days.
I found a few errors:
Finally(,)they rest their heads (and) soon fall asleep
under the tree(,)watching in case the children stir --its ok they sleep sound
not a special day, it is just like all the rest(omit all year round because you have mentioned the rest)
Start a new sentence: We all buy the children gifts that they really donot need.Why are we buying? Is it to make life easier?
It has all changed so much(,)it is now all to(o) commercialised
special(omit though) (and) i have all my memories....
I wish we could actually change peoples minds like this but i am of a different opinion. These people are very strongly convinced to complete the task i even think that they are drugged or something so that they donot think!! So keeping this in mind i think your story is a little far from reality. I think if you change the ending it would be all right...mention something that he was later kiilled by the people who had given him the task and in this way he sacrificed himself for others..or you could say that he blew himself off in a deserted place as he knew that those guys would not spare him.
In the last line of the fourth paragraph you have written:Just think of all these moments and thought." I think you wanted to write thoughts??? I suugest you just leave the word out ...moments alone will do the work.
Well..ofcourse you can ignore all of this but i had promised to be honest with you so...chose for yourself!
Hey i found this interesting...it was really funny in the beginning i was honestly laughing aloud!! The end is great. too.As i said before you have a very good imagination..so keep going Magician!!
Take care and remember i am reading your stuff!!
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