It would be perfect for children. If you meant for it to be an adult's reading. Then you're gonna have to work on ur voice, it's a little bleak and hollow. And ur gonna have to work on ur grammar. U use fine adjectives. I liked "gray of hue" I might steal that.
Over all it's fine I like it, could've been a lot better but you added just enough imagery spice to keep me satisfied. I liked "I conceived death" sounds like a horror scene. It reminds me of a scene I saw in game of thrones where the red witch conceived a black shadow which killed the king. I think you should replace "gigantic cargo ships from your lips dropping container loads of s***" into "tiny cargo ships from your lips dropping streams of s***" because it's hard to imagine gigantic ships harboured in one's lips. It's against mind physics, you cant stuff an elephant in a matchbox, right.
Cheers buddy.
Moody.
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