I completely get what you're saying with this poem. This is something hardly ever addressed in literature--and it very well fits with society today. It feels, at times, like everyone has a particular view in mind--and that's not what you're writing (in general). It's a risk.
I enjoyed this :)
- Max Tyrone, professional toaster
Why did the slinky have to die?! Is this how the good die young?
But real, though, this was such an enjoyable poem. I liked following the slinky on his journey to nothingness; I found the commencement of the poem rather interesting. This almost sounds reminiscent of Toy Story and other titles of the like. Nice job!
This was a cute and somewhat hectic story. I, myself, couldn't relate all too well, since I've never had more than one cat--and I'd hate to imagine myself in your situation.
I did notice some minor mistakes, though. In the first sentence in the fifth paragraph, "Once I knew what the problem [was]" might have been what you meant; and the second-to-last paragraph's opening sentence, just delete the first "the". Other than those few mistakes, I couldn't find anything wrong with this piece, and they didn't deter me from reading further.
I really enjoyed reading this, since your perspective on love--(and in general)--is quite humorous. I love how it's the little things that define your relationship with people: the way one considers the other, the smells, the sights, the lies, the comforts and discomforts. You took an interesting route of looking at love; but perhaps, I, the reader, walked away with something else, maybe something more. Thank you for this, sir!
This was a good short read. I can't find much to complain about; I mean, I didn't find any misspellings, commas are there. If anything, I got into the flow by the last two stanzas, saying that I could not detect it in the first two. Either way, you've written a good little poem here!
This chapter does an adequate job of giving me (the reader) something to look forward to in the story. I, myself, have experienced a relationship like this (and so have some of my friends), so I know, to an extent, how the character feels. However, for some reason I can't GET into it, and I would presume that it's the voice. Sure, I can tell that without this person in their life they get depressed and that effects the rest of their actions; but knowing some people that are currently going through this, I would imagine a bit more desperation in the tone, a lengthier, more drawn-out prose since this is first-person. This issue aside, I believe this idea has much potential, and I will strongly consider continuing with the progress.
Honestly, I'm wondering what happens next. You do a great job at creating the mood to this float; everything's wonderfully spaced out to make sure that we the reader can breathe easy with each line. I especially enjoyed the ending stanzas where the plot really begins. It's all really safe--and perhaps it is too safe. I'm not quite sure of the placement of this selection in "Bottle in the River", but it's so far a good stand-alone poem. Good job!
I've never been one to thoroughly enjoy poetry on the topic of love; however, I will tell you that this is definitely something a lot of people can relate to. I will also offer some editing suggestions to you, although most of it went quite swimmingly. (I especially enjoyed the FLOW to this thing, man!) In the fifth stanza--I'm sure this was just a mistake--last line's "you'll will". In the ninth stanza, you say, "my heart can't take much more bruise": I'm not sure if this was a stylistic choice, but it didn't quite work to hear. Other than these, I would also suggest you sweep for commas. Great poem!
I really enjoyed this poem! What I really liked was the voice of the speaker--along with his tale. If there's anything to criticize, however, it's that the lines sometimes disn't flow like they felt they should have. At times I felt the flow, but then the next line would disrupt it. All in all, a good poem.
I'm going to be honest with you: as far as this "review" goes, I will say little to nothing about grammatical errors; any bloke on here will tell you what you did wrong. What I want to address in this brief comment is how you've managed to relate to me--a person born in the U. S. When I was in school, nobody really went out of their way to teach me how to English; I went all throughout high school making the simple mistakes that a junior high student would. The strange thing was, though, that most of my class (and those that proceeded me) have the same problem. So don't worry about how you sound like. I'm pretty sure that you don't sound half as bad as those educated down here in South Texas--or, as some may call it, North Mexico.
Looking forward to reading more from you!
- Max Tyrone, professional stamp collector
I feel that this poem is a prelude to something more character-altering. This brief poem does a good job in identifying the speaker's character; however, there's little room for change or hope--which I believe is the purpose in mind. I'd like for this character to have something of an epiphany; but I suppose that's just me. Great job in setting the character!
I really enjoyed this poem--especially the last stanza. However, there was something that prevented me from loving it. Perhaps it's the realization that this sort of separation happens all too frequently, (and maybe I can argue of this poem the separation indicated by evolution of man); or maybe it's the lack of involvement in the narrative, though I believe that's on purpose. Either way, you managed to dish out a great poem. Congrats!
It took me a couple of reads to get what was occurring in the second stanza; but once it hit me, it hit me. Although short in length and with an ounce of urgency, I appreciate the identification of the great equalizer--everyone has the dawn, and everyone has the night. I'd like to see how the events bring us natives of Elsewhere together a bit clearer, though.
This was one of those cute poems that at the end, I couldn't help but to crack a smile on my austere face. It also reminded of my best friend and the qualities that make her THE best friend. Thank you for this little gem of light--and write on!
-Max Tyrone, professional lobster rancher
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