Hi. I enjoyed reading your work, though it was tough to follow at points. I can tell you have a lot of emotion that comes out in your writing. Some of the general high points will be your use of spiritual aspects, excellent grammar, and a strong prologue. I feel I have a cultural bias when reading this piece, I do not like the fact that a character does not have any control as to what happens to them - as in the case of Aaron who becomes a fallen angel. But that is my bias. I will be honest with you, this is my first attempt at giving a review for a larger work of fiction, so I will do my best and structure my review like this: character development, plot structure/development, descriptions, using the senses, and technical aspects. I am open to dialoguing and having a conversation regarding your work, so feel free to shoot me an email if you like. I will say in advance, congratulations on writing a great piece of literature!
I. Character Development
A. Characters I am looking at: Grace Willington, Aaron Walkers, Serenity Willington, and Mr. Willington
B. Character Personality
1. I felt like Grace was made distinctly different from all the other characters, she definitely had her own voice. For being the main character, I felt like she seemed sort of static - I felt that at the end she seemed to be pretty much the same person she was at the beginning, I might have liked to see her change somehow more. There was a lot of tension with Grace as she wrestles between the physical and spiritual worlds. I felt that there was a lot of philosophy that was communicated in a very overt style. I personally might have liked to read more action involving Grace, maybe another scene or two demonstrating some of what was explained. My biggest question mark with Grace, was that the prologue made me think that she was going to die in a bathroom; however, I will address this more in plot development. At the beginning Grace did not have much dialogue, but the dialogue certainly picked up when we were introduced to Aaron Walkers.
2. Aaron Walkers was a likeable character. You did a very good job of demonstrating, more than telling, of his protective nature. He seemed genuinely empathetic. Aaron seemed to have a stronger willed character from Grace, which really set him apart. The only dialogue that I really did not fit was, "“What the hell are you effing talking about?" in an intense emotional situation nobody really says effing. I personally do not enjoy reading or writing a high volume of swear words, it's not comfortable for me. My only advice here might be, give the genuine cuss word, or simply avoid it all together, but using effing detracted me from the story. I actually really respect an author who can write intense scenes without using swear words, but that is just about personal taste really. Aaron and Grace were your two main big characters, we saw lots of them. One character I did not see enough of was Serenity.
3. Serenity Willington seemed to have contradictory natures, and that is not necessarily a bad thing, just something I noticed. She is commented on her beauty and perfection - which seemed to imply to me a sort of innocence, but then she is characterized as wearing very skimpy clothes, which seemed to imply the opposite of innocence. I found those aspects contradictory, but perhaps the family of the Tarnished Crowns are meant to have contradictions in their natures. I would have enjoyed some additional scenes with Serenity in them, and perhaps more dialogue with her. I would have liked to see less explained to me regarding Serenity and more shown or demonstrated to me. I really liked the scene where they are going out for flowers and their dad pulls Grace back, I would have also enjoyed to have read what Serenity's response to that situation was, did she side with her dad, or did she get enraged at the mistreatment of her sister? I think she could be a home run hitter in terms of plot development. At the end of your novel, we know what happens to Aaron, dad, and Grace - but Serenity, Serenity will be the one to pick up the pieces and continue the story, whether written or not, it gives a sort of satisfaction to know that the story goes on and is bigger than what I have read - if that makes sense. And the big question - is there going to be an epic boss battle; Aaron vs. Serenity. (insert epic soundtrack here)
4. Mr. Willington (AKA the devil), you are the devil and you are bad, hey! you are the devil and you are bad... sorry, lame music reference. I liked your descriptions of him, even before the spiritual connection you seemed to describe him as the abusive father quite well. It was very believable that he would leave that kind of a mental imprint on his daughters mind. His dialogue matched up with his personality well. Great job. Good villain.
C. Character Motivation
I felt like this is one area that could be further developed. It seemed like Grace was just existing, and I did not know why Mr. Willington did the things he did. I was honestly expecting to read about him fulfilling some carnal desire through the abuse of Grace which really did not happen, more like senseless violence because he did not like the way she looked. It might be interesting to get a hint into Grace's hope, not explained, but to hear Grace talk about her hopes for the future. Also to learn a bit more about Mr. Willington, what are his hopes/dreams for his daughters. Before his auto accident, does he know he is a Tarnished Crown, is he preparing his daughters for unique roles in the spirit world? With Aaron, I felt like I understood a bit more about his motivation. He had an intrinsic desire to protect a girl he fell in love with through their conversation in the library. Okay, this romance was very rushed, but its a shorter novel so I can forgive this lol. That being said, after my first date with my wife it was pretty much a done deal. :)
II. Plot Structure/Development
A. Introduction
Okay, it bugged me and I gotta say it - the prologue seemed like a separate story. In the prologue I am greeted with a girls death in a bathroom, then the story seems to backtrack, and I liked that. It seemed like I was going to read the events leading up to Grace Willington's death, but that is not how part 4 ended, so I sort of felt cheated with that ending. Also, the spiritual aspects of the novel are very important, it might be nice to have some foreshadowing of those, maybe not in the prologue, but certainly somewhere in Part 1. It would not need to be an explanation, but just some hint that would prepare me for a story that is more than a tale of domestic abuse.
B. Rising Action
The Rising Action that I saw, and I am by no means an expert, but there seemed to be a rise of tensions, it starts with Grace fearing dad, then it grows to Grace versus her classmates, and eventually it builds to Grace and Aaron versus Satan. So that is good rising, maybe a bit more interconnectedness in the conflicts.
C. Climax
So, I enjoyed the surprise of dad popping back from the dad. That was cool and exciting, and I felt it was foreshadowed when Grace explained about the spiritual able to come to the physical. Well done there. I am a bit confused as to whether this is a vision they are sharing, or is he really in the restaurant with them?
D. Falling Action
Not sure what the falling action really was, as it was pretty intense right up to the end. But I'll go ahead and call the falling action the bit where Aaron becomes a fallen angel. Okay, here is where my bias, which I mentioned in my introduction, really comes into play. I liked that the dad came back as the devil, because that seemed to match his personality, but Aaron did nothing to merit becoming a fallen angel. The biblical basis for fallen angels is actually based on the actions of angels, and its the convention I am used to. Spiritual manifestation of what is in a persons heart. So, the dad had an evil heart, he came back as an evil monster in the spirit world - but Aaron did nothing to deserve becoming a fallen angel, he had no choice in the matter. The devil just popped up and said boom, your a fallen angel. That part did not resonate well with me, but it might with other audiences. Something to think about, but you may want to compare with other feedback you get.
E. Resolution
What resolution? Okay, there was resolution in that Aaron was a fallen angel and Grace is killed before she could realize her horrible power. And while that is certainly a fine resolution, it leaves us with a fallen angel, Satan, and a dead Grace. Not a bad horror ending. But the earlier parts of this story almost made me think of this as a tale of love. If that is the ending you want, maybe a hint into what happens to Aaron next, does he go on a crusade to stop the whole family? Does he fight dear dad? Does he hunt down Serenity? My main issue with the resolution though is that part 4 does not match up with the prologue. In the prologue she is looking at her reflection in a bathroom, that is the not the picture of her being stabbed by a dagger in a restaurant. Maybe I am just not reading it correctly.
III. Descriptions
I thought your descriptions of characters were spot on. I had a good mental picture of Grace, Serenity, Aaron, and the dad; however, the descriptions of places seemed a bit more rushed. Overall, good descriptions, you have an excellent command of the English language.
IV. Using the Senses
There was a lot of explaining in your story, you might think, in the future, about giving us the world through more senses. This one is hard, hard for me to find a concrete example to say "here, more senses here."
V. Technical Aspects
I thought your sentences flowed together very well, there were no noticeable grammar mistakes from my perspective. I thought each of your four parts flowed together nicely, good transitions.
Overall, great writing. I hope you continue this story, and I would definitely read about an epic battle between Serentiy and Aaron :) |
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