Your talent will take you places. You write with so much heart and soul. Perhaps this is because you are writing about someone who is very close to you who is afflicted with an irreversible mental illness. My heart goes out to you and to your aunt Sarah. I hope you continue to have the strength to take care of her, no matter how much she wants you to find someone else to give care to her because she cannot stand being mean to you. But you know she cannot help it, and as you said, it is not her treating you that way, but it's the disease. I pray for both you.
Write on.
Congratulations for the first place win on this story, as well as the first place win for "When Sarah's Brain Starts Dying."
A friend suggested your story for me to read. She said it's a must; and I'm glad I did. My beloved grandpa is currently suffering the indignity of this incurable mental disease called "Alzheimer's". He lives thousands of miles away from me, and I've only seen him a few times in the last five years. I wish I could be there for her, like you have been for your aunt Sarah. You are such a great soul with the biggest heart to care for your aunt this way, not to mention the fact that you are writing about your experiences with her to educate us all about this dreaded and fatal disease. What is so unbelievable and sad is that your aunt is so young; diagnosed in her early thirties for Alzheimer's, which I though afflicted only the much older people. And what a lovely brain she has to be invaded by the disease, cell by cell, until there's nothing left to her memory. Wonderful job. You should be commended to no end for this project of yours. I'm sure it's not easy for you to write this, but I hope you don't stop, until you just have to.
In the following, it is not clear to me whether this is from your point of view, or Marlene's. If hers, then it sounds as though she had an Aboriginal heritage.
The landscapes that my ancestors once saw
Must in my thoughts remain,
Preserved by memory for evermore,
Not blurred by time or pain.
Two spelling corrections (from American English):
Of her ancestoral dead.{/} ancestral or ancestorial{/b
I can't imagine how it must be like to be arrested while in a foreign country. Is this a biographical piece? It's not labeled as such; but if so, I hope you're a free man now.
This is well written, but I feel that it is somehow incomplete. Where is he? What is the crime he is accused of? Where's his native land?
I admit I give to the street corner beggars more during the holiday, though my husband says they're probably more well off than we. I just shrug my shoulders and say, "That is not in my conscience. It's the holiday season, and it doesn't hurt to part with a few dollars to the beggars this time of year."
This is a touching poem. Hats off to you. I only have one comment, and that is: everything rhymed well except for the following:
"He said he was a veteran of some foreign war,
things didn’t work out that was why he is poor."
Yes, indeed. This is dark. The first stanza alone foretells an impending evil that lurks behind the door, outside the dark room of doom. After reading the last line in this first stanza, "a creak down the hall, rattles all around," I felt my chest contract. That's how effective you have painted the scene. I felt the danger, the dark clouds hanging over the victim that forebodes a storm. And this is all done with simple, unpretentious words.
Great job, Lisa. I hope this horrible sexual violence did not happen to you.
The complexity of your novel's plot is heightened only by the simplicity of your writing style, which is unbelievably terrific for someone who's still in high school. Your two WDC mentors mentioned in your introduction are doing a great job in helping you out, and more power to them and you.
With summer vacation upon you, I hope you'll find more time to write new chapters for this gripping novel about your Daddy's missing girlfriend--your original writing mentor who inspired you to write.
Angelica--whose voice we only get to hear, whose image we only get to see, and whose character we only get to know--seems very real to me through your descriptions and narrative. She is an engaging character and I long to finally "meet" her when she reappears in your life by coming back.
Your last chapter talks about Angelica's possible relationship with the Navajo Code Talkers. This is actually a heavy subject for a 16-year old to cover, but you're doing a marvelous job at it. I look forward to the continuation of this chapter as you and your brother play detectives as they look for clues as to Angelica's whereabouts. "Accidentally" finding Angelica's book or journal, written by someone in foreign language, and pictures of some U.S. soldiers in uniform that look like those Navajo Code Talkers in the movie "Windtalkers" is very engaging.
Who are those men in uniform? What is Angelica's relationship with them? Why does she have that book? Is your Dad going to punish you and your brother for going through someone else's personal stuff? This is quite a cliffhanger. I look forward to reading the answers to these questions.
I don't know when you wrote this, but it doesn't matter because all your poems about your husband project an unending glorification and celebration of love. And they say that after you've been married for years, the passion dies down and you run out of things to say to each other. The opposite is the truth with you as you prove time and time again through your writings that love, affection, romance and passion have not died between you and Rod. You are an inspiration to us all.
Before writing this review, I sneaked a peak at your chapters one and two, and felt compelled to inform you that at 17 you have written a very important lesson in history. "West Brookfield, MA - 1660 to 1960" is a tautly-written story, told with sure skill. It takes the reader back in time when the Native Americans were persistently persecuted unjustly in their own land--the land they first inhabited before any other human being. Quaboag (later incorporated as West Brookfield) deserves a huge place in American History. Thank you for furthering our knowledge of history through this very important piece of essay. And to think that you wrote this on a Royal non-electric, no-spell-checker typewriter, wow! You had very few typegraphical errors.
Yes, your essay deserved the grade it got: A. And yes, if you had written this today with the benefit of modern technology (PCs and the Internet), you definitely would have gotten an A+ (5.0)
This is a nice beginning to a potentially-terrific story. I loved the imagery of the pastural scene, your characters, and the ending that makes me look forward to reading the next chapter.
My main concern is syntax and other technical issues. You have a tendency to run on with your sentences; for example:
Your text: "Positioned next to the cradle, the Kelley’s table, there sat a candle, a stone basin filled with water, and two books: the bible and the book of the Kelly line all the way through the ages to Adam. Dead center from the door, the fireplace built of ash-stained stone and shale, just to the left of it laid Séamus and Treasa affectionately in bed."
My suggesttion: I think something like this would sound better: "Positioned next to the cradle was Kelley’s table. There sat a candle, a stone basin filled with water, and two books: the bible and the book of the Kelley line, all the way through the ages to Adam. Dead center from the door was the fireplace built of ash-stained stone and shale. And just to the left of it, Séamus and Treasa lay affectionately in bed."
Your opening paragraph was pleasant enough to attract my attention, but I wasn't sure if I was going to continue past it. Coming-of-age stories are fun to read, but if I was going to read a story as long as this one, I prefer reading serious drama.
Boy, was I ever so pleased to have stayed on and read through. And what a wonderful read. I digested every word and every description. You have a way of expressing yourself in a believable fashion with the most economy of words.
You didn't warn us in your brief description of the story that this is about the Columbine shooting massacre. I only assumed this because of the mention of "Jefferson High School." Columbine is in Jefferson County, Colorado. You mentioned the names Tim Bolan and Jeff Nash in your story, but I can only remember Klebold and Harris--the shooters. I also don't know whether your main characters: Tom Mitchell and Sarah Nicholson were among the victims.
This is a great story, and extremely well-written. Congratulations on a job well done. WRITE ON!
Being a lover of history and a devout Christian, I read your poem "King George Patron Saint of England with great interest.
I remember an episode on History Channel a long time ago about this brave soldier of noble upbringing--the defender of the poor and the defenseless. He was also a defender of those of the Christian faith, and was beheaded for protesting against the Emperor's persecution of Christians.
If I am not mistaken, it is from the word "cavalry" (St. George is the patron saint of cavalry) that the word "chivalry" is derived.
You managed to portray St. George and his history in this poem with grace and glory. A job very well done. Congratulations.
I read this with great interest because I'm currently using a nursery monitor device to monitor the sounds in my baby's room when she's alone. But your story terrified me! The idea of outside elements also monitoring the baby, not only the parents, is a scary thought. I know it's fiction and that it's improbable; still, everytime I look at the device now, I think about your horror story. It's a discomforting thought.
Well, anyway, it's a gripping and suspenseful story. You've done a great job with your script, and I look forward to seeing it teleplayed.
I read several reviews of this bio of yours from the REVIEWING section, and it amused me that every one of them mentioned CSI; some of them in great length. It's almost as if your bio is a blog for CSI fans. I've only seen a few episodes of the show and I liked them, but because of my work and extra-curricular activities, I cannot watch TV that much. I'm a big fan of Survivor and 24, as well as the History Channel, and that's the extent of my TV viewing.
At any rate, I'm glad that I clicked on this and discover that you are an extraordinary person. I hope your early retirement (envy, envy, envy) from the corporate world is working out for you; it seems that it is, with the publication of your first novel, and the sequel in the works. Congratulations.
Again, a very well-written piece about terrorism and your literary remembrance of it. I have not read your bio, if any, but I am becoming curious about the sensitive and caring persona behind these poems. You have earned my admiration for the time and effort you've spent in letting us know how you feel about this global terror that is afflicting many nations. More power to you.
This is a review of askpaddy's "Monday Ministers (a christmas story)"
I enjoyed reading this, as well as its simplicity in presentation. My technical comments are as follows:
One thing I noticed about your writing is that you like to capitalize words that don't need to be capitalized. For example: local paper, mail order catalog, altar boy, etc.
What is Poleaxed?
Words in <> usually mean "delete." Words in ()usually mean "suggested change or insert."
Pots of tea and coffee <where> (were)set on the table
catalogue “Heaven Sent Ecclesiastical Accessories(,)” which more or less
that’s not <strictly> (exactly?)correct
in 50 seconds(.)”
The Ministers and Pastors from the not so <Main Stream Churches> (mainstream churches?)didn’t always come.
A number of parishioners <commenting> (commented) on how authentic it looked
This phrase sounds awkward: He fell, His and the Crib's lights went out
A review of "A Fairy wish: A Christmas Poppet and Teddy Story"
This is very nice. Except for some capitalization (where not necessary) and spacing issues, your manuscript is clean, and the story is a fast read.
The first ending is what a nice children's story should probably end; the alternative ending, though creative and fun, is just a little weird for me.
Good job.
I have marked a few of the sections that need your attention during editing. Words or characters in <> are suggested deletions, and words or characters in ()are suggested replacements)
Once upon <at> a time,
“I am a <F> (f)airy
Teddy thought for a minute, “Maybe we could save you some of our dinner”
“Would you do that<,> (?)”
Finally,( )after what seemed ages
“<>On New Years Eve,
looked into the <fairies> (fairy's)eyes
They probably wouldn’t believe them<,>(,) besides(,) if their wish was to come true
you two are hungry today,<>“( )said Mum.
Christmas pudding.( )It was so nice
New Year(')s day came,
didn’t get this year(')s one hundred wishes.
standing on the windowsill was their <Fairy>(fairy).
I am so pleased to see RAOK joining forces with Caring Hearts/Building Hope ID: 1156518 "Our Loved Ones Serving Overseas" in support of our troops serving overseas. Yes, their families deserve our expression of support and gratitude as well because just like the men and women who are fighting for freedom, they also make sacrifices so we could all feel safe at home.
I don't have a lot of GPs to give away, but here's 200 for you.
This is a terrific idea. I'm new here, having been introduced to WDC by a member who's been a member since March, but did not actively participate till much later. I hope she's qualified for the award. This person has been mentoring several of us; and in a short time, I feel that I have improved my writing skill already because of her help. It's time for me to recognize her through this project. Thank you.
Subject: Mesothelioma, Tourism And Pending Legislation
By The Critic
Hi there,
Yes, I was in NY during 9/11, and funny that I would see this article because I had an appointment with a lung specialist today. I've been worried about this same thing:exposure to airborne asbestos. So far, so good, though. My lungs are clear. I understand, however, that mesothelioma or asbestosis won't manifest themselves untill years from now. Still, I feel better having my regular exams.
Thank you for increasing awareness about mesothelioma and the danger of exposures to asbesstos insulation products.
diarist30
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