Amazing how everything changes when you change the perspective, now I feel I'm inside Adelaide's head, I see what she sees, I feel what she feels. I love the tension you built at the end in the conference room, there's some powerful imagery there! I want to know why she's there, why she was chosen and what's going to happen in Cuba....except I already know from the first chapter that her boss has the hots for her and it gets a bit too predictable. I'd recommend leaving out that piece of info from the first chapter, let it build up, save it for later. Remember you're working towards complicating the conflict, not towards resolution. Add as much stuff as you can that'll raise our curiosity and we'll be eating from the palm of your hand.
Thanks for sharing! I'm looking forward to the next chapter! Happy writing!
I'm guessing you have an important story to tell that you know well. The problem is you're doing mostly that, telling, not showing. You know the story well, how did it feel, how did it taste, how did it smell? don't tell me she fell in love, tell me how ms Pretty's hair smelled like and what her face looked when she laughed or what her voice sounded when she was embarrassed and I might fall in love with her too. It may make more sense to write in the first person, then everything you say is characterization. you're also contradicting yourself as a narrator telling me the boss is doing her a favour by hiring her but also that the boss had the hots for Adelaide. Which one is it then, it can't be both.
it's really hard to tell the difference between telling and showing until it's pointed out to you. When a friend pointed that out to me a couple of weeks ago about a short story I had written and was very proud of, I spent half a day sulking thinking I'm back to square one, who told me I could write etc, then I found a creative course online and started learning. I did one by Joshua Mohr on creativelive.com, I highly recommend it, it has practical exercises as well. I'm not selling you anything, you can purchase a free course in the month of November, courtesy of NaNoWriMo, with the coupon NWFREE I think.
Keep on writing! I'm looking forward to reading your story!
I think this is a good story, I enjoyed reading it! I can see Mitri being overwhelmed and in despair over the situation, I think you got that part down quite clearly and precisely.
There are a few hints over this being a sci-fi - like the title, the category, Nina being very cold, but that's about it. I'd like to know more about what the child looks like, how old she is, where they are (there's a mention of a captain at the beginning, are they on some sort of ship?). You said they're both orphans, I think there's an opportunity there to go a bit more into Mitri's background as well and how he got himself into the situation. It's clear that you know a lot more about the characters than we do, it's perfectly alright and recommended to not say EVERYTHING you know about your characters, but I find there's a lot of room to be more generous with the info.
On re-reading it the third time the paragraph about Nina reminding Mitri of his brother finally caught my eye. I find there's a lot of telling rather than showing here and a wasted opportunity for letting the reader feel Mitri's feelings. Instead, we're told what he feels and that doesn't really capture the essence of it. What do traumatized, sad or hopeless eyes look like? What questions did those eyes ask? If I hear the question "Where is mom coming back?" for example, coming from an orphan, I may get a similar sensation to what Mitri felt. If I see a pair of brown eyes staring blank at a red carpet without even seeing it, I may understand for myself that they're traumatized.
I like the idea of the story, the connection the two characters share and the protagonist's struggle. The parts when Mitri talks to Nina directly are very effective. It certainly has potential to be a very good story!
Thanks for sharing and keep on writing!
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