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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/magabrie
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4 Public Reviews Given
4 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Mike Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I like your story, it's a good first draft. I'm choosing to comment on two issues.

You start this story with an awakening scene. This scene is cliche and has been done a thousand times. It is mostly unsuccessful. The problem with this action is that it is routine. People wake up every day. It's just not interesting. You should start your story in the middle of a more active action, one that's interesting. You have put some effort into making it an interesting 'wake-up' scene, so you'll have no trouble creating a scene later in the day. You can even use the same Idea. Stick with the cigarette and the telling yourself you'll quit, that's good stuff.

The second problem is that you make reference to the time way too often. I counted six times. There are other ways to express the passing of time, but really it's mostly unnecessary and bothersome to the reader. People aren't constantly checking the time. If you had to express the time for sake of the story, there would be better ways to bring it up.

Keep at it. Good work.

I invite you to checkout my work and critique me too.

Thanks,
fellow writer
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Review of Farewell My Child  Open in new Window.
Review by Mike Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this story, but I believe that its only thoroughly 'engaged' audience is parents whose children approach college. I see where the story tries to go. It's working well, but i'd like to see some other conflict besides the inner struggle of letting go of the couples college bound daughter. This story certainly isn't mere sensation. There are points where the dialogue doesn't seem believable. For instance I don't think that the waitress would respond "fine". I think that entire line of dialogue could be shortened to simply, "Very well.". I'd like to see more disagreement between the parents in the restaurant. I'd like to see the mother who cries, maybe. Might be even more interesting to see the father cry instead, or struggle to hold tears back. The story is heart felt and the helicopter parents become normal parents and that is the problem. I want to see some extreme in the way that the parents feel, be it concerns, sadness, or inability to let go.
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