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1
1
Rated: E | (4.0)
that is a very interesting but terrifying thought. i love the sentiment of 'associate wisely' but i think many do not. too many relationships are just the result of proximity & opportunity. i think ppl need to be reminded, OVER AND OVER, that they always have their free will & if something seems like a bad idea, it probably is. follow your heart, no matter what the crowd is doing.
2
2
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is, as always, just my opinion
 My View on Reviews Open in new Window. (13+)
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon
please accept it in that spirit.
George,
This is a great story. You did a wonderful job fleshing out these characters and taking me through the events of this scary Halloween night. It held my interest and I had no problem following the sequence of events.

Two comments;
First, I had a bit of trouble figuring out when this story took place. I think the music selections (there were no references to what I think of as currently popular music) threw me, that combined with Gwen's poodle skirt had me thinking this was the 50s or 60s, but then you mentioned that the skirt was rented. I continued to ponder this until much later in the story when Gwen used the cell phone. I think you might want to make a more definitive reference earlier in the story (if there is one there, I missed it).

Second, I will suggest (a suggestion only) that you occupy Larry somehow while Gwen is frantically looking for the glove box key. As it is, or at least as I read it, Larry stands at the open trunk for a significant amount of time, shouting instructions to Gwen about which key to use. There was too much time passing for him not to have just come around to the open door unless he was otherwise occupied (putting a blanket in the trunk was just not enough for me).

I enjoyed the twist with Franco appearing and getting, or not getting, shot. I am, however, curious as to your use of Gwen's mother at the end. I would have thought that Jenny would have been a better choice. The details of Gwen's mother's disappearance had not made a significant impression on me, so I found myself a bit confused about who she was and why she was appearing in the story now.

All-in-all, an enjoyable read, thanks for sharing.
lizzie




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This is our new website, tell me what you think. http://www.marchbooks.com/

March Books, confronting social issues, one novel at a time.
March Books blog http://marchbooks.wordpress.com/
3
3
Review of Death awaits me  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I can see why 'Something Wicked' appealed to you. This is the same dark style. I like it. The only thing that threw me was the way you flipped from referring to Death as it to referring to Death as he. I think you should choose one and stick with it throughout the poem.

good job,
lizzie
4
4
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather as suggestions that I think will help to improve the story
 My View on Reviews Open in new Window. (13+)
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon


My, there's a lot of passion in this piece. I particularly enjoy your musings about what writing is;

To entertain? To distract? To leave behind? To impart knowledge? To touch someone on a level sometimes unexpected?

I would wish that you give us a bit more of a clue as to who the person in the bed is. Initially I was thinking father, but that is refuted by the last line. It still leaves many unanswered questions.

A few little technical comments;

You flip tenses on a couple of occasions ie.

They are not the grandiose kernels of wisdom that builds great stories

And I think you should decide on how you will refer to the person in the bed. You go back and forth between 3rd person 'he' and 2nd person 'you'. I would choose one or the other and stick with it.

nice job,


Live, breathe, write,
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My new website
http://www.marchbooks.com/
I would really appreciate it if you would take the time to rate my poem in a contest for poetry.com.
It’s easy, just click on the link, read and rate. http://www.poetry.com/voteforme/poemvote1.asp?PID=...
The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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5
5
Review of Jumpin' Jack  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is, as always, just my opinion
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon
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this is cool. I particularly like the last stanza

Life runs fast, fast! So keep the things you know will last....
Life runs past and now you
KNOW(Yeah)

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This is my new website, tell me what you think. http://www.marchbooks.com/

The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep.
If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/
6
6
Review of Care and feeding  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather as suggestions that I think will help to improve the story
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon


Peace,

this is so creative. Anyone who knows me, knows that my animals are a big part of my life, so the short description really caught my eye. I was not disappointed. I always enjoy the telling of a story from an animal's perspective. You did a good job of catching the energy and intelligence of this cat.

I do have a couple of little suggestions;

Creeping out the limb (do you mean creeping onto or creeping out onto?)

Throwing caution to the wind I hurtled myself to the ground, bounded to the dirt and passed the breeze that began my trepidation as I made my way up to the house. (it might be me, but I found this sentence a bit confusing. You might consider breaking it up and clarifying the 'passed the breeze that began my trepidation' segment)

I also found it a bit jarring when you flipped into the perspective of the wife - 'Jennie had never been this terrified. Who was this man? Where is Joe, was he dead? Was she about to die? Blood rushed to her brain. She passed out.'
It might be best, in this short piece, to stay in the perspective of the cat. You would still be able to convey this information but you would do so from the POV of the cat, ie. 'I could smell the terror rolling off of Jennie in waves. She shrank away from the stranger as she called out for Joe. She must have become overwhelmed by fear because she fell back on the bed, losing consciousness'

Again, just suggestions. This was a lot of fun to read.

Live, breathe, write,
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My new website
http://www.marchbooks.com/
I would really appreciate it if you would take the time to rate my poem in a contest for poetry.com.
It’s easy, just click on the link, read and rate. http://www.poetry.com/voteforme/poemvote1.asp?PID=...
The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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7
7
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather as suggestions that I think will help to improve the story
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon

Rachael,
This is a creative take on the Van Helsing/vampire conflict. I thought that it moved pretty smoothly. I thought the second stanza, in particular, was well done. The only section that caught me up was this (All throughout the night, the three ladies sang
Their eerie, beautiful song through their fangs). It just sounded a bit forced to me.

Live, breathe, write,
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My new website
http://www.marchbooks.com/
I would really appreciate it if you would take the time to rate my poem in a contest for poetry.com.
It’s easy, just click on the link, read and rate. http://www.poetry.com/voteforme/poemvote1.asp?PID=...
The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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8
8
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is, as always, just my opinion
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon
please accept it in that spirit.

Mountain,

As requested, I am looking at 'New Beginning'.
This is a very interesting concept for a story. However, I think (bear in mind, this is just my opinion) that you treatment of this could use some work. The first problem I noticed was that it takes you a considerable amount of time to get into the story - meaning, almost a third of this is spent on backstory with no main character in sight.

When you finally introduced your main character, you do it with dialogue, which is good, but to me, the dialogue sounded stiff and unnatural.

You spend a lot of time here TELLING is what is happening, what is going to happen or what has happened. You need to work these things into the story in a way that will show it to the reader - paint a picture in their heads.

Again, this is only one person's opinion. Feel free to ignore any or all of my comments. I think, with some changes in the way you treated this piece it could be very interesting indeed.


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This is my new website, tell me what you think. http://www.marchbooks.com/

The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep.
If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/
9
9
Rated: E | (5.0)
These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather as suggestions that I think will help to improve the story
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon


MC,

Here is your return review. I am always happy to reciprocate and find it very helpful when the reader lets me know what they would like to have reviewed.

Although I did find a few minor issues in the text, (mostly punctuation and probably open to interpretation), I am only going to comment on the content of this piece.

I found this very informative. This is yet another of the wonderful things about WDC, we get to tap into the knowledge and expertise of other members. You are obviously much more versed in the art of poetry than myself. I have attempted acrostics a couple of times and I really enjoy them. I did not know that they came in more variaties. I only knew of the style that forms a word on the left. The double acrostic sounds VERY challenging and the ABCedarius, well I'm not sure I even want to go there.

Thank you so much for educating me,


Live, breathe, write,
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My new website
http://www.marchbooks.com/
I would really appreciate it if you would take the time to rate my poem in a contest for poetry.com.
It’s easy, just click on the link, read and rate. http://www.poetry.com/voteforme/poemvote1.asp?PID=...
The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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10
10
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This is, as always, just my opinion
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon
please accept it in that spirit.

I enjoyed this very much. Although it is in need of a good edit, it was fun to read. You drew great images of your then wife and her parents. It was very sad about the dog, I did not expect it. Your blurb is a little misleading because, even after she was hit, I thought she would be alright because of the 'Almost Final Fate' comment.

This story is full of a lot of little truths;
in the final analysis I am responsible for my life and all that it is or is not.
One of the amazing things is how people from similar backgrounds like Max and mine tend to find like people and keep the circle intact.
That's the beauty of youth, one posses that strong sense of invulnerability that slowly dissipates over time as we age and come to our senses.

I was an egomaniac with a severe inferiority complex with a stubborn streak that was just past the point of colossal, complete selfishness and self centered-ness (quite a combination)

her Mom and Dad were the cut from the same cloth (remove 'the')

I talked her, or should I say conned Max(,) into eloping with me to Forsythe County Winston-Salem North Carolina.

He rarely acknowledged me let alone talked to me and now on this night he wants to act like we are old college fraternity brothers who haven't seen each other in twenty years. (I would break this into two sentences)

plight in the racism that was the old south back in 1971.

We hadn't been over to see Max's parents in quite sometime. It was a warm June day (I think you can transition this better)

Duchess was a stunted German Shepard that was Max's' bother Max Jr.'s from his days in the Army. (WHAT? Do you mean brother and do the sister and brother have the same name?)

four young people in dressed in gowns and tuxedos stepped out.(edit)

if I even asked my mother in law to even consider this action. (remove an even)
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This is my new website, tell me what you think. http://www.marchbooks.com/

The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep.
If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/
11
11
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is, as always, just my opinion
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon
please accept it in that spirit.

This is a nice tribute. I just wish it was more clear. You provide enough detail on the subject of the poem, but not the speaker. I thought you were the wife but I found myself second-quessing that when you called yourself 'his charge'.
What all expected (this seems like an awkward phrase to me)

Of something evil (this line sounds clipped to me)

More pleased with what he has not (what does this mean?)


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This is my new website, tell me what you think. http://www.marchbooks.com/

The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep.
If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/
12
12
Review of Circles Of Love  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is, as always, just my opinion
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon
please accept it in that spirit.

What a pretty poem. Congratulations on hitting such a milestone in your marriage.
I enjoyed the way you drew a parallel between the years of your marriage and the jewelry you had been given on different occasions. Very nice.

To get you by ‘Scouting,’ that was my angle, (I don't know what you mean by this)

Last year, our ‘Ruby,’ you gave a ruby ring, (are you referring to the anniversary year or a person?)

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This is my new website, tell me what you think. http://www.marchbooks.com/

The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep.
If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/
13
13
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather as suggestions that I think will help to improve the story
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon


C,

I am reading this per your request. I am basing this review on the assumption that you are interested in an honesty, which is what I am going to give you.

I had a difficult time getting through this. You are in need of a thorough edit here. I found the run-on sentences, like these; It seemed as though Denise needed to tell the story over and over, it was always more soliloquy than monologue, she was telling the story for herself to sift through the pieces; A crime scene detective, sort of, seeing if she had overlooked anything.
to be very distracting.

There seemed to be a lot of repetition, from overuse of Denise's name to, what I interpreted as talking down to the reader. Take this for example; People tend not to surround themselves with other people who tell the truth. People tend to surround themselves with people who agree with them, (the first sentence says it all. I don't need you to spell it out for me.)

I was half way through this piece before I encountered a scrap of dialogue or action. Up until this point, I know nothing of Denise except for what the narrator is TELLING me. Quite frankly, I would probably have stopped reading there had you not requested the review. There just was not enough to hold my interest.

I got lost in the train of thought, on numerous occasions. This paragraph, for instance; Denise, she was complicated. It seemed like she always answered in question form. When we first met, she had long hair that she wore down. At work they made us wear baseball caps with the McDonald’s logo on the front. Denise wore hers with the bill way, way down so that you could barely see her eyes. She wore glasses with lenses that had just a slight tint. She smoked constantly. She once told me she smoked three packs of cigarettes everyday, “Sometimes more, sometimes less.” (So, long hair, tinted glasses and 3 packs a day constitutes a complicated personality? Besides, once again, you are TELLING me everything. You are not giving the reader the opportunity to find out anything on their own)

I don't feel rooted in the story at all. One minute Denise is coming home - you never answer from where or what. You never define the nature or history of her relationship with the person who we finally find out is a guy - Dave. Then, Denise's father dies and she is dropping out of college and confessing to her lesbian interests. Yet, even though I got the impression that Denise and Dave are about the same age, he is only going to college in the next chapter and bam, Denise and Nicole have already set up their little love shack in her mother's house.

At the end of the day, I did not see a story here. The title alluded to one, as did the first chapter. Then you digress into talk, talk, talk and nothing ever happens. You have some nicely interesting lines; Love is lust in a bad disguise, love is what happens when a person seeks out another so that the two may pair up and feel appreciated and pretty.
and
McDonald’s was Nicole’s ‘ugly friend’.
Unfortunately, this is not enough to carry the piece. I didn't feel any connection or empathy with any of your characters. Nicole and Denise have been given only a superficial varnish and Dave was, in my opinion, unlikeable. Who can connect with someone who is so assured that they are surrounded by boring idiots?

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My new website
http://www.marchbooks.com/
The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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14
14
Review of Multivalence  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather as suggestions that I think will help to improve the story
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon


Dan,

I really enjoyed this treatise. So much of it resonated with me. I only dabble in poetry but when I do, I generally steer clear of form - partially because I was never trained in these forms but also because I like the raw energy of a well-constructed free verse poem.

true art exudes as many meanings as there are Readers. (I love this. I feel, to a lesser degree, that this applies to prose as well. Each reader brings part of himself to the reading experience. In a way, the reader is a collaborator in the piece. But, as you pointed out, the most important player in this game is the artist's muse. I have been listening to my muse for about six years now and I am constantly amazed at what I hear when I get quiet and listen)

different works have different meanings to different people with different backgrounds.(if I didn't know this before, WDC made this clear to me. I find it fascinating how two people can come away with broadly different interpretations of the same piece)

The most basic way that man emulates God is in creation. (I have to feel that, when I hold a completed manuscript in my hand, I feel some of that creative energy flowing through me - it is a wonderful rush)

Often a poet is surprised by the "meaning" the Reader gathers from his poems (also in prose. One person may fall in love with an excerpt while the next feels that it needs to be rewritten. Sometimes this is an endless source of frustration, until you make peace with the fact that your words will never appeal to every reader)

meter must take a back seat to meaning.( as it should be)

The trick is to learn when to CEASE the pruning process. (ahhh, a lesson I am still struggling with as I head into yet another editing of my novels, lol)

Great job,
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My new website
http://www.marchbooks.com/
The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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15
15
Review of Day at Work  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather as suggestions that I think will help to improve the story
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon

Holly,

It sounds like you have a great group and you've created a wonderful work environment. You are right - everyone should be lucky enough to work under such conditions. I have had many jobs in my life, from care-giver to office worker to outside sales person to telemarketer - this is only a partial list, in fact it barely scratches the surface. But I have worked enough to know that life is too short to be tied to a job where you are doing what you hate with people you don't care for. This does not seem to be a problem for you - I think you can count yourself among the fortunate ones.


Nice job,
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My new website
http://www.marchbooks.com/
The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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16
16
Rated: E | (4.5)
These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather as suggestions that I think will help to improve the story
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon


Holly,

This is a lot of fun, except the part about sidestepping the 'upchuck', yuck.

I am sorry to say that I have succumbed to the allure of the all-you-can-eat promise a time or two or more *Blush*

I enjoyed the descriptions of your husband in his different phases of gorging.

lizzie

Great job,
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My new website
http://www.marchbooks.com/
The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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17
17
Rated: E | (4.5)
These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather as suggestions that I think will help to improve the story
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon


Holly,

this is an emotional trip that you have taken us on. You have given us some very vivid images;

The smell of old wooden pews heated by the humid summer air was unmistakable.

Cars moved slowly around the little dirt roads like ants in an ant farm.

Thanks for sharing this emotional chronicle of a sad and inevitable part of life.


Great job,
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My new website
http://www.marchbooks.com/
The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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18
18
Rated: E | (4.0)
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon


You should call this 'The Smiling Pessimist'. I also resort to pessimism as a protective shield. It doesn't always work and I am trying to foster a new, more positive outlook on the off chance that the universe is paying attention to the energy I am putting out. I have to say that I am becoming a believer in the whole 'expect good things and good things will come to you' philosophy.

can't bring yourself to believe everything is perfect. (I'd be happy if things were less than catastrophic)

Good and hope is there too. (do you mean goodness and hope are there too?)

(But, I think 'bad' has a better press agent.) Funny!

I would rather be pleasantly surprised with a positive outcome, than be totally dashed with a negative one. (will it be rude for me to say - duh?)

Great job,
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The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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19
19
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon


This was a fun little story but it had an unsatisfying ending, in my opinion. I understand that you were restricted by a word count, but this is not an ending. It does, however, serve as a good hook to another chapter. I just want to know - did Silas meet the same fate as his fellow adventurers or was the dragon so amused by this ragamuffin wannabe that he laughed himself into a heart attack?

He imagined himself sailing the high seas at the helm of galleon (wouldn't it be a galleon?)

or he) could afford to spend years adventuring(,) without ever needing to worry about money.

until he was close enough to read the price tags one (on) some of the items.

He nodded and the tiny man waved him over. They headed over to a nearby cart (I would avoid using 'over' twice and just get rid of the second one)

Shakily, they all got to their feet and one of them tapped Silas on the back. (again, I would not repeat 'feet' - I would suggest; they all stood up)

hide behind the cover of his shield (he hid behind the cover of his shield)

Nice job,
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My new website
http://www.marchbooks.com/
The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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20
20
Review of Snow Fairy  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon


This is a very sweet story that I think kids would enjoy. I, personally, would have liked it if Nissa could have communicated with Holly in words. I think that a little bit of dialogue between the two of them would have added to the story.

Feeling guilty at the winter fun she'd had to herself this year, (I think this should be worded differently, the meaning is obscure - maybe, feeling guilty about holding winter hostage or feeling guilty for her part in their snowless winter)

Great job,
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My new website
http://www.marchbooks.com/
The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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21
21
Review of THE QUEST  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon


I am not sure that I understood this poem. You say 'I have answered the quest' , you go on a quest, you answer a question???
You talk about questions but you never say what they are. Sone of the references really went over my head, for instance, Between the thin, And fat goose.

Yes, this is gist… (should this be this is 'the' gist?)

These lines are really good;
I am now in sleep,
It is really-really deep,
Surrounded by eternity,
Together with,
I think they are the strongest part of the poem, but the last line was unclear - I don't know what you mean by 'far away from fraternity'
Keep writing,
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My new website
http://www.marchbooks.com/
The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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22
22
Rated: E | (4.0)
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon


I don't think anyone in this country will forget where they were and what they were doing on this fateful day. I guess that's what happens when the universe opens up and sucks the reality out of your life. Shock and disbelief are such inadequate words. And what a tragic thing for the children to have to have their innocence rocked at such a young age.

Below are some technical things which, in my opinion, could use some work;

“Wake up dear,” she seemed to whisper. “The day demands your attention.” I shook myself awake and realized I was running late.
(I am not clear as to who 'she' is)

By the fourth para, I there are still not details on who Jacob is and what he or Tiffany look like, other than the fact that she is two years old.

Every time I tried some new idea about why came bursting off the screen sticking the buttons on my remote. (this sentence needs an overhaul, either I am way to tired to be writing a review or this sentence is very unclear)

Great job,
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My new website
http://www.marchbooks.com/
The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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23
23
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon


This was an interesting story. I liked the twist at the end, but, and c:red}this is only my opinion, I think this needs work.Some areas are missing punctuation, in other areas it seems as though you are trying too hard - using too many words to say what you mean and in still other areas things are unclear, leaving too many unanswered questions. For instance, where did this thing come from, how long has it been living in the woods, if the people knew they would be sacrificing their children then why would they be surprised at Emily's appearance and why would they bother to place Evan and Emily with different families every decade if they already knew what the deal was? Also, this begs the question, what was this thing giving these people (The thing had brought these people here and promised them all what they wanted) that made it worth sacrificing their children?

I've copied examples of c"red}what I think /b}are some problem areas. Feel free to disregard these suggestions, they are only based on my opinion as a reader.

There had always been the stories of missing pets and missing cheerleaders that the teens would toss about that no one took seriously. (could use some punctuation)

She was also quite stunning and beautiful. (using stunning and beautiful is a bit redundant)

The adults had no reason or concern to listen to these whispers and the kids knew it. (this is confusing. First, I would not use concern here and second, it seems that there was a reason to listen, being that a girl was missing)

before it actually found us. (why actually - as opposed to figuratively finding them??)

the red seemed to stay clinging to his hand. (again, why seemed - it either stayed or it didn't)

her hero's (heroes) This seems like a pompous way to label yourself as you stand in the middle of the woods, holding your friend's bloody jacket in your hands.

We all munched greedily and satiated our sweet-teeth with the chocolate bars I had. (it seems odd that they would have a big appetite under these circumstances)

labored breathing of a female in pain. (is female breathing discernible from male?)

We slowed our movements to as silent an approach as we could muster. (make as silent an approach?)

naked as the day she was born (cliche)

Emily twisted her head towards Christie's voice and pulled a broad smile across her face.
"Christie? What do you think you're doing here?" Emily's voice sounded sinister and uneven. (smiling but sounding sinister while standing naked and tied to a tree. And still no one had made an attempt to untie her???)

A dark form, the size of a sofa, (could you find a better comparison? A sofa is not very fear-inducing, unless it falls on you)

this was another problem that he was going to have a problem with. (problem - problem)


Keep writing,
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My new website
http://www.marchbooks.com/
The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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24
24
Review of The Wake-Up Call  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon


This is a fun little story. I have two nephews who are approximately these ages and I can see them behaving just this way. It made me smile to see the interaction between these two young brothers.

the wall next to the bed (wouldn't bed next to the wall be more accurate?)

like that weather siren that goes off the first Tuesday each month(should this be enclosed in commas?)

tried to get him to get off the bed (maybe not repeat 'get')



Great job,
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My new website
http://www.marchbooks.com/
The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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25
25
Review of Darkened Life  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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#1419592 by 4theLoveofWriting Author IconMail Icon


Rob,
This is a sad reflection on the challenge of living in the box of depression. It is a tragic thing, to be lost inside your own head.

As I read this, I found myself mentally making some slight revisions. Feel free to ignore them. They are only my opinion. You have probably structured this out carefully by beat and form. I am not a technical poet. I write like a blind musician plays - by ear. These suggestions are based only on what sounds right to my ear.

A battered, broken lantern hung
on a rusted nail at the door,
(A broken lantern hangs
from a nail beside a door)

This house in arboreal gloom
brings total reminiscence,
the twisted, calloused, ugly truth
that (from which) people keep their distance.

This is life so very real (This life - so painfully real)
each sentiment is true.
Depression's grip is never gone,
it's merely hidden from you.

Nice job,
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My new website
http://www.marchbooks.com/
The beauty of the written word is in the emotions they evoke. Hate my characters or love them; as long as your feelings are genuine and run deep. If I have succeeded in making you feel something, I have succeeded as an author.
My blog http://www.itsasadworld.blogspot.com/ My website http://furrytails.mysite.com./
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