grammar - "Flight is a funny thing, isn't it?" Dameon said a faraway look in his eyes. - You need a comma or a semi-colon after "said". I suggest, "Flight is a funny thing, isn't it?" said Dameon, a faraway look in his eyes.
"It's not always true. Last time was on a plane-" He paused, the plane trembled again. - I think you meant, "It's not always true. Last time I was on a plane-" You can also substitute a semi-colon for the comma after paused.
plot - The ghost of a terrorist haunting a plane? Pretty interesting and original. No problems with consistency of events, although, I was confused about the flight attendants hand passing through Dameon. I didn't even catch it until I re-read the story, and THEN I was like, "OH! He's a ghost!". Either that or the boy's over-active imagination.
characterization - I didn't find the characters too believable. Emotion was there, even when it's not. Like the emotions of the little boy. My favorite kind of emotion, that lies deep within the character. He doesn't have to wear it on his face, like a mask. It's internal, under his surface. You can sense it when he talks about his parents. No, the problem in believability came about when I was reading the dialogue between the two characters. It seemed forced. Unnatural. Unfortunately, you understand these characters better then anyone else, so YOU are the only one who can solve this problem. I'm not saying you need to make them funny or add color, 'cause these characters aren't like that. You DO need to smooth it out, and clearly show us where the two characters stand. The boy is supposed to be uninterested in Dameon, but then he starts asking questions. All of a sudden, he seemed like someone other than the uninterested boy who keeps his defenses up. He suddenly seemed like a different character.
overall - You can take out all the questions, "Is he a terrorist?", 'cause we, the readers, are already asking ourselves that question, and with me already asking myself and then having to read it off the paper, it made me think there was an echo in my head. If you wanted to convey the boy's thoughts by asking that question, then you MAY want to keep it. But, the readers will probably assume that the boy thinks he is a terrorist anyway. But, if it's just for the reader, get rid of it. Now, I'm no professional critic and this is just my opinion, so remember to take this lightly, 'cause I sure as hell will. Hope this helps, keep writing, and good luck. |
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