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8 Public Reviews Given
8 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Letters  Open in new Window.
Review by Henry Martinez Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
I hope my comments are felt in the spirit of good faith as one writer to another, for I say that you are a writer. It is clear to me that English is not your first language, but having said that I admire the confidence you've shown by baring your story for everyone to read. I can read your words and mostly piece them together. There are several grammar errors particurlarly with tenses. Additionally, each time a person speaks the dialogue should begin on a new indented line and not mixed within a paragraph. When I first started writing, I did not know that either. Still, I stayed focused on your story but I quite didn't understand where you were going with it. I am more than certain that in your own mind and that in your own native language YOU know exactly what it is you want to say--it's just difficult to translate your thoughts into clear English. I can sense how you are trying to effect a change in the Nurse who has read the letter, so I think you are not very far from putting those changes down on paper. I can give you more definitive comments, if you like, regarding grammar and dialogue, so that you can improve the structure of your story. However, I would prefer to do that via e-mail. Do not be alarmed that I rated your story a 2.5. With improvement this can be an excellent and highly rated short story. Good Luck.
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Review of The Wash  Open in new Window.
Review by Henry Martinez Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I tried to read your story. The very first sentence held so much promise, but then many of the following sentences seem disconnected from each other. For example. I think you are trying to say that the earth was so cold that it negatively affected your hands, which implies discomfort, yet in a follow on sentence the coolness is soothing which connotes a pleasant sensation. The flow of the opening paragraph is stilted, and caused me to read much more slowly in order to grasp your ideas. Word choice in the paragraph might be improved on. For example you use the word "grains". To me, the immediate visualization are "grains of sand", but your first sentence is talking about earth or more loosely "dirt'. Word choices like clumps of earth or clods of dirt might invoke the image that you are really after. The dialogue passages are too long for my liking and perhaps you might shorten them. I'd say all in all there was little rythmic(sic) flow to this piece of writing. I get the gist of what you are trying to say and you have a good fundamental concept to work from. Have you read the piece out loud to yourself? Try it. Like music you might see areas where the flow isn't there. Of course you have bits and pieces of writing that are good, so this isn't like the whole piece is bad. Like I said the first sentence held a lot of promise. Good Luck to you.
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