It evoked some wonderful emotions. Thank you. I believe that it should be in a poetic structure though. It would suit the atmosphere more. If it was me I would say instead of "I would show you the location" "I would lead your sweet palms over my skin when they're home they'll know it" I would use moment instead of minute more romantic. I would say mad are they linguistic folks for not drawing a dictionary made from your words alone =). I just love it =)
The Melody is fantastic it needs to be sung. I just feel like there is a remainder to it that its not quiet done. Looking forward to your next poem. I also feel like there is an emotion behind the emotion word behind the word. Like something unsaid yet its as loud as thunder. That's the essence of poetry doing just that singing two songs not one.
I ask myself can silence, does
silence make the time go by?
Or does it make the time just
barely roll on? Does it this or
does it that, whom am I to
say? I am me the bearer of my
own life. I make the choices, or
do I? I do at least I'd like to think
so. I'd like to beats, the alternative.
So I sit here as time passes by.
Doing mostly nothing at all. But
I write doesn't that count ? Or
does it not? I'll let you be the
judge of that.
You inspired me to write this, hope you like it and I urge you to please edit your piece and complete it. It's a damn good start =)
The story is really touching. There are a lot of running sentences and grammar typos but all in all its every girl's middle name. A good editing job will keep all the good stuff and trash the bad =) But Write On!
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