I like the concept, it’s fun and creates good imagery. My only comment would be the two lines starting with She may be strengthened by something like ‘the (describe the shape or smell of her) fairy snatched the tooth and turned to leave but not before revealing her mismatched mouthful of baby teeth when she grimaced and spat her words out ‘no one ever said I was pretty’
Just an idea to help keep the pace from his shock to her action.
I like the idea however the way to the reveal is not believable enough and I think the line that reveals Gina is underwhelming. I’ve seen more developed writing by you compared to this, keep working on it, the narrative is strong, just felt rushed to get information out rather than ‘show don’t tell’
Thanks for sharing 😌
Thanks so much for sharing this poem. I thought it was great. I have only one piece of feedback for strengthening it. That is the last line feels weak against all the others. Perhaps if there isn't anything that links with 'brow' this could be changed and the final verse will be strengthened.
At the moment I feel it takes away from a lot of great writing above - it's not easy to write about something so many have before and make it interesting and beautiful - but here you have
Thank you so much for sharing your poem. I can feel the space you were in when this was created.
Interesting use of colour. Not sure if it adds of takes away from the words and meaning.
This piece for me starts stronger than it ends in content as it feels a bit qoatation-y or cliche in the final lines but otehrwise a good piece.
I love this poem - think it's very strong and emotive. You could add some mystery into this if you wanted to but I feel it is perhaps quite a personal one you wouldn't want to re-arrange too far from the truth?
My only feedback for strengthening is the second last line that says 'A great year 1994 was started out to be'
I don't know if it is supposed to say 'had started out to be' or if the 'was' is meant to be eliminated entirely.
Other than this. Excellent writing and excellent reading for me! :)
Thanks so much for sharing this intimate message with us
I love the rhythm and tone of this poem. Beautifully written.
My only feedback for strengthening is very minor but it jumped out at me as changing the voice slightly. The exclamation mark at the end of 'leave me be' - final line. I don't know exactly why but I felt as though it was forcing an emotion that the words had already delivered so strongly and deemed itself unnecessary.
Only my opinion obviously and otherwise such a great peice. I hope you feel proud.
Great poem here. My only suggestion really is to remove all of the question marks. Your words alone provide that and adding them takes away from the flow of the poem I feel.
Lovely poem - I like the tone and emotion of it and if you are looking for tip on strengthening it's voice I believe I can help
Feel free to disregard but I will put my ideas forth for you to do whatever you wish with!
- The words 'wonder and awe' fall flat against your strong imagery in other lines of the poem and feels unnecessary as a result.
- Other small swaps in this verse could add to the impact of your words such as
'Colors creating starburst rainbows'
'Fireworks against the midnight sky'
And the next verse - similar comments
I loooove the combination of crimson and rust - beautiful picture created here but I feel you don't need to use 'while' in the next line - it may be stronger with
'Gold and silver litters the ground'
The reader expects this is 'while' if that makes sense.
I also feel that with this strong verse - including the 'Cackling and rustling with each footstep' this is such a great line and I know it connects back to the first verse however the strength of this verse eliminates the need at all for the first one.
You have put a strong picture and story in the following 3 verses that we already know you are walking on Autumn leaves and listening to the sounds that makes. You don't need to open by telling us that - let your great imagery do the talking in the next 3 verses.
I hope you don't mind my detail here. I really love the feel of this poem and I hope to see more of your writing.
Thank you,
Mary Miller
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