Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈's (mathguy) Reviews

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Review Requests: ON

1,691 Public Reviews Given

3,201 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

In depth, detailed, and supportive.

I'm good at...

Elements of craft that draw readers into your fictional world and your character's head.

Favorite Genres

SciFi, Mystery, Thriller, Horror

Least Favorite Genres

Fantasy

Favorite Item Types

Short stories

Least Favorite Item Types

nonfiction, poetry

I will not review...

I'm only interested in prose fiction. I will not review anything over 4000 words, nor will i review poetry. If you have a longer piece, please divide it into bite-sized chunks.

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#4831288

Review of Run in the Dark

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Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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Hi. I'm back to give you the in-depth comments I promised on this
story.

Item Reviewed: "The Box"

by Amethyst Angel 🌼

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you
know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try
to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will
discard the rest with good cheer.

Since I've not reviewed you before, it might help to know a bit about my methods. I
generally read your entire story through, start to finish, making notes as I go about
various things. Then I go back and comment on particulars. That usually includes things
like plot, characters, opening paragraphs, and so on. In addition to general comments of
this type, a lot of my notes appear at the end of the reivew as "line-by-line"
comments.

In the case of this particular review, though, I'm going to devite from my usual
practice. The wordsmithing in this story is, generally, quite good. The plot is okay, too,
although I found the ending a bit forced. However, the main area I want to focus on in
this review is point of view. I'll say more on point of view in a moment, but most of
my comments will be in the line-by-line section, where I deconstruct parts of your story
with a view to analyzing point of view.

What I liked best
I liked this story a lot, as I've previously said. The characters, especially the
protagonists, are well-drawn and memorable, and the writing is largely quite effective.
It's easy to cheer for the three protagonists, and the villians are, well, villianous.
There's lots of good tension, and you ramp it up effectively. So, there is much to
love here.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether
or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce
a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the
author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended
disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task
to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening is really excellent, and I've only got one small suggestion that I'll
make in the line-by-line comments below.

Characters
Let's start with Elena. She has a goal--to hide from pursuers. She's
clearly escaped captivity, so the success of her goal is critical, i.e., the stakes
are high. And, of course, she's being pursued, so she's got obstacles.
Goals, stakes and obstacles are the trifecta that give your story tension. Vonnegut said
every character should want something, even if it's a glass of water: that's a
goal. Something bad happens if the character doesn't achieve their goal: that's
the stakes. Something gets in the way of achieving the goal: that's the obstacle.
Goals and obstacles lead to *conflict.* The stakes are why the outcome of the conflict
matters. The three work together to create tension, the engine that drives your story.

In fact, every character in your story has goals, stakes, and obstacles. Often the goals
of one character are the obstacles are another. All of these work together to give your
story the great tension that permeates it.

As I said, there is much to love in this story, and attention you've paid to goals,
stakes, and obstacles for each of the major characters is one of the many details I loved
about this story.

Plot
See above--the plot is the intricate tapestry of the conflicting goals, stakes, and
obstacles. Great work here.

Style and Voice
Ah, here is the heart of my review. Bear with me, because I'm going to expound on
some theory.

Arguably, this story uses an omniscient narrator. The reason one could make that argument
is because of the specific way things are written. The first senence, for example, is an
awesome sentence but it's the omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, looking
in, telling the reader stuff.

There's nothing intrinsically *wrong* with omniscient narration. Much great literature
used omniscient narration, and it dominated fiction well into the twentieth century. But,
by midcentury, it had fallen out of fashion and, by now, it's all but disappeared.
Today, about 30% of published fiction uses first person narrator, while the overwhelming
majority of the remainder uses soemthing called third person limited. If you already know
what that is, I apologize, but I suspect it's not a familiar concept, so bear with me.

In omniscient narration, the narrator knows everything. He knows what every characters
senses, thinks, feels, and thinks. He knows what has happened and what's going to
happen. He's not PART of the story, he's TELLING the story. Of course, right
away the "telling" part is a problem, but mostly your prose does a good job of
showing. But it's still the narrator, outside the story, relating events.

Third person limited takes a different approach. For each scene, the author picks one
character to provide the point of view. We can know what that character senses, thinks,
and knows, but NOT what any other character knows, thinks, or senses. We have to *infer*
those things frome the other characters by their words and deeds, i.e., the same way hte
POV character does.

The idea is to put the reader insdie the head of the point of view character from the very
first sentence of the scene. By putting the reader inside the head of the POV character,
you're putting the reader *inside* your fictional world, inside your story. The idea
is that his activates the readers' imaginations and puts them in a dream-like state.
They imagine the fictional world from the clues you provide, and put in all the myriad
details that never make it to the page. In doing so, they become your collaborators in
this world, in a "willing suspension of disbelief" that fills in those little
details. As an author, you put in the things the point-of-view characters notices and
feels, providing clues for the reader to do the rest.

Another way to think of this is that you start a movie playing in the readers head, where
the reader experiences the fictional world through the point-of-view character's
perspective.

Of course, it's not a real movie. It doesn't have *actors*, with real
faces, voices, and costumes. It doesn't have a physical scene, a foley artist, or a
musical score. Most significantly, it doesn't have a *camera*, which provides the POV
in a visual medium. All an author has is words in a row on a page. But, with craft and
planning, those words can bring the fictional world to life in ways a movie cannot.
*That's" the goal of third person limited, and the theory behind it.

This technique, "third person limited," isn't new. It dates back to at least
Jane Austin and Flaubert. But, precisely because it's so effective, it's come to
dominate fiction. And it's not just literary authors like Joyce or Hemingway. Popular
authors, like Elmore Leonard or Stephen King, are masters of this technique. It's
everywhere. And it's become fundamental to writing effective fiction.

Some more general principles. Each scene should have one, and only one, point of view
character. Readers are fragile critters, and their connection with your story and with
your point of view character is easy to break. So pick a character to provide the point of
view for each scene and stick with that character.

In a new scene, you use a new POV character. A novel will often have more than one POV
character. Some novels will have many. But only one per scene.

Each time you introduce a new POV charcter, you have to take the necessary steps to put
the reader in that character's head. This turns out to be simple--you are SO CLOSE to
doing this in your story, as you will see in the line-by-line remarks. somethiung as
simple as changing the order of sentences will often suffice.

Too many POV characters can be confusing to readers. I've learned to limit the number
of POV characters, especially in a short story, because it's so easy to lose your
readers. This story might benefit from reducing the number of POV characters--that would
be a creative choice for you to consider.

There are some other considerations I'll take up in the line-by-line remarks below.

Just my personal opinion
To repeat: I *really* liked ths story. A LOT. I've taken the time to write this
review and the comments below precisely because I liked it and am convinced you have
talent--and not just a LITTLE talent but a lot of it. I think your writing is worth the
effort. I think YOU'RE worth the effort.

I very much want to encourage you to keep writing and keep doing whatever you
did to produce this story, including your use of AI tools. It's VERY impressive.
So, PLEASE take the comments that follow as a small effort to help you find ways to tweak
your prose and make it even more effective than it already is.

Also, never forget it's your story. Only YOU know what's best for your
story. What follows are just one person's opnions. I'm just a guy, like you, with
no specialized training in writing fiction. What little I know, I've learned from
other, more experienced and talented writers, who have provided me with the kind of
feedback I'm trying to give you, now. But you should use only what makes sense to you
and discard the rest. With best wishes, then, I'll share my line-by-line remarks.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

The night air was thick with the smell of rain-soaked asphalt,
headlights smearing across the slick Oklahoma highway. Elena’s lungs burned as she ran,
clutching the hoodie tighter around her thin frame. Her sneakers slapped the ground in a
frantic rhythm. Behind her, far off but too close, a pair of headlights drifted along the
county road like a predator’s eyes. She didn’t dare look
back.My Comment: This is a great opening paragraph,
but, in keeping with my focus on point of view, I’d consider one change. I’d lead
with the *second* sentence, where Elena’s lungs burn.

The reason is that this starts with her experiencing a sensation only she can feel. In
particular, it puts the reader in her head. If you follow that with what is
presently the first sentence, the thick air, the smell, and the headlights are all
arguably ALSO things that she’s sensing. The same is true for the rest of this
paragraph.

This one simple revision changes the whole psychological tone of this paragraph. As it
stands, the first sentence feels like an omniscient narrator (i.e., the author) standing
*outside* the story, looking in. Changing the order of the two sentences starts by
putting the reader inside Elena’s head, and thus inside the story. That’s exactly
where you want to the reader to be: inside your fictional world, imagining the story along
with you.

Elena’s throat locked. Words refused to form. She stood there
trembling, hoodie dripping rainwater onto the concrete.

Todd Vance’s first instinct was to shut the door. He’d spent five years perfecting
solitude, and strangers didn’t just knock at midnight. But something in her face—fear,
raw and honest—stopped him.My Comment: Notice
what’s happened between these two paragraphs.

In the first paragraph, we’re in Elena’s head, where we’ve been all along. Her
throat is locking, and I felt MY throat lock when I read that.

But in the NEXT paragraph, we’ve hopped into *Todd’s* head: the author intrudes to
TELL us about his instincts, something Elena can’t know. We also learn about his
history and his inferences about Elena’s appearance.

This is called head-hopping, and it’s a big no-no. The rule is there should be and only
one point of view per scene. Since we’re in Elena’s head, we can know her thoughts
and emotions, but otherwise we can only know what she senses. She can see him hesitate,
for example, or his gaze rake across her. She can even see doubt in his eyes. But she
can’t know his history, nor his conclusions.

From this point forward, however, we’re no longer in Elena’s head. We’re in
Todd’s.

This kind of head-hopping works in a movie, but a movie is a VISUAL medium. The *camera*
provides the point of view. Camera cuts and reacation shots establish who’s doing what,
who’s seeing what, and so on. Quick cuts can change the subjective POV from one
character to another using the many tools available to the director of a movie—camera
angle, sound effects, music, and even the actor’s expressions. Absolutely NONE of that
is available to the author of short story or novel.

The only the author of fiction has are the words on the page. Plus, of course, the
imagination of the reader. The whole point of third person limited is to engage the
imagination of the reader by putting them in the head of the point of view character and
*keeping them there.* That connection—the one between the reader and the fictional
world—is a fragile one. Every change in point of view threatens to break it. That’s
the reason for the rule that each scene should have one and only one point of view.

Of course, another solution would be to END the scene with Elena where she pounds on the
door, and launch a new scene (with the break marker you’ve used) with Todd, putting the
reader in HIS head as he hears the knock and answers the door. Just be careful to
establish Todd’s POV, exactly as you need to establish Elena’s earlier.

Elena’s nails dug into her palms. Her voice, when it came, was barely
audible. “Please … don’t tell anyone I’m
here.”My Comment: Notice here we’ve got Todd
sensing Elena’s nails digging into his palms. Earlier, he noticed her bruises and caught
the flicker of her eyes. All of these are indications that we’re in his head.

This is what I meant when I said AI probably wouldn’t help you with this kind of thing.
As far as AI is concerned, there’s little difference between a screenplay and a short
story: they are both probably classified as “story” by the underlying program. But
there’s a world of difference in terms of the subtleties like point of view.

Across town, in a diner that hadn’t changed since the seventies,
"Cassidy Monroe" sat hunched over black coffee gone cold. The tape hissed on her
microcassette recorder as she replayed an interview from that morning—another dead end,
another “I don’t know anything, lady.”My
Comment: Here, we’re clearly starting a new scene, in a new location. You name a new
character, have her “hunching” over coffee, and the tape is “hissing.” As before,
this puts the reader in her head, and we’re good to go with this new scene.

Cass was used to the runaround. Corruption had a way of choking silence
out of small towns. But she’d been chasing this trafficking story for months, and
Wynnewood was humming with the wrong kind of quiet.My
Comment: But…here, the author intrudes to state a fact.

It's pretty easy to change this from an author intrusion to something Cass is
thinking. For example, if you were to write something like, “Cass scowled at her coffee
and heaved a sigh. She was used to the runaround….” That prelude, where you show her
emotional state, gives context to what follows and suggests it’s her internal thought.

Cass’s pulse ticked up. She tossed some bills on the counter, grabbed
her jacket, and headed for the door.My Comment: The
problem here is that this is a “quick cut,” like in a movie or a TV show. These work
fine in a visual medium, where there are so many other elements at work to keep the
continuity in place. But here, we’re barely in this new scene when we lurch back to
Todd.

Each change in POV threatens to take the reader out of the fictional world. So, it would
be better to have stayed with Todd (or Elena) to the completion of the scene and then
switch to Cass.

Her hands shook as she wrapped them around the cup. The steam blurred
her vision, and for a moment she thought of her mother’s kitchen years ago, before
everything had been ripped away. She pushed the thought
down.My Comment: I’m sure you know the comment
I’m going to make: we started in Todd’s POV, but now we’ve hopped into in Elena’s.

Todd leaned against the counter, studying her. He didn’t ask
questions—not yet. He knew that look, the hollow one people carried after war zones and
wrecks.

Elena sipped. The warmth steadied her, but her eyes kept flicking toward the
window.My Comment: The flip-flops continue. Todd
knows Elena’s look. The warmth steadies Elena. Easy fixes to stay in Todd’s POV
throughout.

Miles away, "Caleb Voss" leaned against his truck at a rest
stop, night wind tugging at his tactical jacket. He lit a cigarette, scar along his jaw
catching the glow.My Comment: A new scene, and
another new character. This is a good opening that puts us in Caleb’s head.

However, one thing to beware is having too many POV characters, especially in a short
story. Each change in POV risks losing the reader. Each transition to a new POV requires
re-establishing the POV, which takes space, which makes the story longer. All of this
works against keeping the reader engaged. Even worse, readers will lose track of who’s
who if you have too many characters.
Again, in a movie or TV show, this is MUCH less of a problem. For one thing, you’ve got
the*faces* of the actors, their costumes, the musical motif associated with each, and so
on, making it easy for the audience to keep track who’s who. All of this is much harder
in a short story or novel.

It can help to give each character some memorable quirky trait, but, again, readers are
inattentive critters. The more characters you’ve got, the more likely you are to lose
your readers. This is especially true if the scenes in which the characters appear are
short—see my comments about Cass above. The same comment applies here, where the scene
is quite short.

The next morning broke pale and gray. A low mist clung to the streets of
Wynnewood, softening the outlines of the town’s single stoplight and weathered
storefronts. Todd Vance stood in his garage doorway, a mug of coffee steaming in his hand,
watching the horizon.My Comment: Same suggestion here
as at the start of the story: invert the order of the sentences, to put the readers in
Todd’s head. Otherwise, we’ve got the omniscient narrator, standing outside the story,
looking in.

Two miles outside town, Caleb Voss leaned against a patrol car parked
under the trees. Beside him, Sergeant Mark Ellison adjusted his neatly pressed uniform,
sunglasses glinting.My Comment: Another really short
scene.

I get that you’re showing events in the order in which they happen. This little scene
is happening while Cass, Todd, and Elena are talking. But you’ve broken the continuity.
I’m becoming a broken record, I know, but, while this works great in a visual medium,
it’s almost impossible to pull off on the written page. In fact, I can’t think of
anyone who can do it, or even tries to do it. It’s better to keep the continuity of a
scene going than to have these breaks.

My Comment: I’m only about midway through your story, but I think
I’m going to stop here. By now you should have a clear idea of what I’m talking about
with third person limited, and you don’t need me to continue to hit you over the head
with it. In fact, I think I'm repeating myself--a hazard of old age.

In any case, it’s probably better if you provide the same analysis to the rest of your
story on your own—you’ll learn more by doing that for sure. As you can see, *none* of
this is deep or complicated. It just takes paying attention to details…
Writing this, it occurs to me that might be a special challenge, given your circumstances.
If you WANT me to continue in this vein for the rest of the story, let me know and I
will.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day,
and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm
reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of
"4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading"
things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know
that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from
studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best
for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your
muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
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#4831284

Review of The Box

Review by

In affiliation with Short Fiction Authors

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

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Hi. I'm back to give you the in-depth comments I promised on this story.

Item Reviewed: "The Box"

by Amethyst Angel 🌼

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Since I've not reviewed you before, it might help to know a bit about my methods. I generally read your entire story through, start to finish, making notes as I go about various things. Then I go back and comment on particulars. That usually includes things like plot, characters, opening paragraphs, and so on. In addition to general comments of this type, a lot of my notes appear at the end of the reivew as "line-by-line" comments.

In the case of this particular review, though, I'm going to devite from my usual practice. The wordsmithing in this story is, generally, quite good. The plot is okay, too, although I found the ending a bit forced. However, the main area I want to focus on in this review is point of view. I'll say more on point of view in a moment, but most of my comments will be in the line-by-line section, where I deconstruct parts of your story with a view to analyzing point of view.

What I liked best
I liked this story a lot, as I've previously said. The characters, especially the protagonists, are well-drawn and memorable, and the writing is largely quite effective. It's easy to cheer for the three protagonists, and the villians are, well, villianous. There's lots of good tension, and you ramp it up effectively. So, there is much to love here.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening is really excellent, and I've only got one small suggestion that I'll make in the line-by-line comments below.

Characters
Let's start with Elena. She has a goal--to hide from pursuers. She's clearly escaped captivity, so the success of her goal is critical, i.e., the stakes are high. And, of course, she's being pursued, so she's got obstacles. Goals, stakes and obstacles are the trifecta that give your story tension. Vonnegut said every character should want something, even if it's a glass of water: that's a goal. Something bad happens if the character doesn't achieve their goal: that's the stakes. Something gets in the way of achieving the goal: that's the obstacle. Goals and obstacles lead to *conflict.* The stakes are why the outcome of the conflict matters. The three work together to create tension, the engine that drives your story.

In fact, every character in your story has goals, stakes, and obstacles. Often the goals of one character are the obstacles are another. All of these work together to give your story the great tension that permeates it.

As I said, there is much to love in this story, and attention you've paid to goals, stakes, and obstacles for each of the major characters is one of the many details I loved about this story.

Plot
See above--the plot is the intricate tapestry of the conflicting goals, stakes, and obstacles. Great work here.

Style and Voice
Ah, here is the heart of my review. Bear with me, because I'm going to expound on some theory.

Arguably, this story uses an omniscient narrator. The reason one could make that argument is because of the specific way things are written. The first senence, for example, is an awesome sentence but it's the omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, looking in, telling the reader stuff.

There's nothing intrinsically *wrong* with omniscient narration. Much great literature used omniscient narration, and it dominated fiction well into the twentieth century. But, by midcentury, it had fallen out of fashion and, by now, it's all but disappeared. Today, about 30% of published fiction uses first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses soemthing called third person limited. If you already know what that is, I apologize, but I suspect it's not a familiar concept, so bear with me.

In omniscient narration, the narrator knows everything. He knows what every characters senses, thinks, feels, and thinks. He knows what has happened and what's going to happen. He's not PART of the story, he's TELLING the story. Of course, right away the "telling" part is a problem, but mostly your prose does a good job of showing. But it's still the narrator, outside the story, relating events.

Third person limited takes a different approach. For each scene, the author picks one character to provide the point of view. We can know what that character senses, thinks, and knows, but NOT what any other character knows, thinks, or senses. We have to *infer* those things frome the other characters by their words and deeds, i.e., the same way hte POV character does.

The idea is to put the reader insdie the head of the point of view character from the very first sentence of the scene. By putting the reader inside the head of the POV character, you're putting the reader *inside* your fictional world, inside your story. The idea is that his activates the readers' imaginations and puts them in a dream-like state. They imagine the fictional world from the clues you provide, and put in all the myriad details that never make it to the page. In doing so, they become your collaborators in this world, in a "willing suspension of disbelief" that fills in those little details. As an author, you put in the things the point-of-view characters notices and feels, providing clues for the reader to do the rest.

Another way to think of this is that you start a movie playing in the readers head, where the reader experiences the fictional world through the point-of-view character's perspective.

Of course, it's not a real movie. It doesn't have *actors*, with real faces, voices, and costumes. It doesn't have a physical scene, a foley artist, or a musical score. Most significantly, it doesn't have a *camera*, which provides the POV in a visual medium. All an author has is words in a row on a page. But, with craft and planning, those words can bring the fictional world to life in ways a movie cannot. *That's" the goal of third person limited, and the theory behind it.

This technique, "third person limited," isn't new. It dates back to at least Jane Austin and Flaubert. But, precisely because it's so effective, it's come to dominate fiction. And it's not just literary authors like Joyce or Hemingway. Popular authors, like Elmore Leonard or Stephen King, are masters of this technique. It's everywhere. And it's become fundamental to writing effective fiction.

Some more general principles. Each scene should have one, and only one, point of view character. Readers are fragile critters, and their connection with your story and with your point of view character is easy to break. So pick a character to provide the point of view for each scene and stick with that character.

In a new scene, you use a new POV character. A novel will often have more than one POV character. Some novels will have many. But only one per scene.

Each time you introduce a new POV charcter, you have to take the necessary steps to put the reader in that character's head. This turns out to be simple--you are SO CLOSE to doing this in your story, as you will see in the line-by-line remarks. somethiung as simple as changing the order of sentences will often suffice.

Too many POV characters can be confusing to readers. I've learned to limit the number of POV characters, especially in a short story, because it's so easy to lose your readers. This story might benefit from reducing the number of POV characters--that would be a creative choice for you to consider.

There are some other considerations I'll take up in the line-by-line remarks below.

Just my personal opinion
To repeat: I *really* liked ths story. A LOT. I've taken the time to write this review and the comments below precisely because I liked it and am convinced you have talent--and not just a LITTLE talent but a lot of it. I think your writing is worth the effort. I think YOU'RE worth the effort.

I very much want to encourage you to keep writing and keep doing whatever you did to produce this story, including your use of AI tools. It's VERY impressive. So, PLEASE take the comments that follow as a small effort to help you find ways to tweak your prose and make it even more effective than it already is.

Also, never forget it's your story. Only YOU know what's best for your story. What follows are just one person's opnions. I'm just a guy, like you, with no specialized training in writing fiction. What little I know, I've learned from other, more experienced and talented writers, who have provided me with the kind of feedback I'm trying to give you, now. But you should use only what makes sense to you and discard the rest. With best wishes, then, I'll share my line-by-line remarks.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

The night air was thick with the smell of rain-soaked asphalt, headlights smearing across the slick Oklahoma highway. Elena’s lungs burned as she ran, clutching the hoodie tighter around her thin frame. Her sneakers slapped the ground in a frantic rhythm. Behind her, far off but too close, a pair of headlights drifted along the county road like a predator’s eyes. She didn’t dare look back.My Comment: This is a great opening paragraph, but, in keeping with my focus on point of view, I’d consider one change. I’d lead with the *second* sentence, where Elena’s lungs burn.

The reason is that this starts with her experiencing a sensation only she can feel. In particular, it puts the reader in her head. If you follow that with what is presently the first sentence, the thick air, the smell, and the headlights are all arguably ALSO things that she’s sensing. The same is true for the rest of this paragraph.

This one simple revision changes the whole psychological tone of this paragraph. As it stands, the first sentence feels like an omniscient narrator (i.e., the author) standing *outside* the story, looking in. Changing the order of the two sentences starts by putting the reader inside Elena’s head, and thus inside the story. That’s exactly where you want to the reader to be: inside your fictional world, imagining the story along with you.

Elena’s throat locked. Words refused to form. She stood there trembling, hoodie dripping rainwater onto the concrete.

Todd Vance’s first instinct was to shut the door. He’d spent five years perfecting solitude, and strangers didn’t just knock at midnight. But something in her face—fear, raw and honest—stopped him.My Comment: Notice what’s happened between these two paragraphs.

In the first paragraph, we’re in Elena’s head, where we’ve been all along. Her throat is locking, and I felt MY throat lock when I read that.

But in the NEXT paragraph, we’ve hopped into *Todd’s* head: the author intrudes to TELL us about his instincts, something Elena can’t know. We also learn about his history and his inferences about Elena’s appearance.

This is called head-hopping, and it’s a big no-no. The rule is there should be and only one point of view per scene. Since we’re in Elena’s head, we can know her thoughts and emotions, but otherwise we can only know what she senses. She can see him hesitate, for example, or his gaze rake across her. She can even see doubt in his eyes. But she can’t know his history, nor his conclusions.

From this point forward, however, we’re no longer in Elena’s head. We’re in Todd’s.

This kind of head-hopping works in a movie, but a movie is a VISUAL medium. The *camera* provides the point of view. Camera cuts and reacation shots establish who’s doing what, who’s seeing what, and so on. Quick cuts can change the subjective POV from one character to another using the many tools available to the director of a movie—camera angle, sound effects, music, and even the actor’s expressions. Absolutely NONE of that is available to the author of short story or novel.

The only the author of fiction has are the words on the page. Plus, of course, the imagination of the reader. The whole point of third person limited is to engage the imagination of the reader by putting them in the head of the point of view character and *keeping them there.* That connection—the one between the reader and the fictional world—is a fragile one. Every change in point of view threatens to break it. That’s the reason for the rule that each scene should have one and only one point of view.

Of course, another solution would be to END the scene with Elena where she pounds on the door, and launch a new scene (with the break marker you’ve used) with Todd, putting the reader in HIS head as he hears the knock and answers the door. Just be careful to establish Todd’s POV, exactly as you need to establish Elena’s earlier.

Elena’s nails dug into her palms. Her voice, when it came, was barely audible. “Please … don’t tell anyone I’m here.”My Comment: Notice here we’ve got Todd sensing Elena’s nails digging into his palms. Earlier, he noticed her bruises and caught the flicker of her eyes. All of these are indications that we’re in his head.

This is what I meant when I said AI probably wouldn’t help you with this kind of thing. As far as AI is concerned, there’s little difference between a screenplay and a short story: they are both probably classified as “story” by the underlying program. But there’s a world of difference in terms of the subtleties like point of view.

Across town, in a diner that hadn’t changed since the seventies, "Cassidy Monroe" sat hunched over black coffee gone cold. The tape hissed on her microcassette recorder as she replayed an interview from that morning—another dead end, another “I don’t know anything, lady.”My Comment: Here, we’re clearly starting a new scene, in a new location. You name a new character, have her “hunching” over coffee, and the tape is “hissing.” As before, this puts the reader in her head, and we’re good to go with this new scene.

Cass was used to the runaround. Corruption had a way of choking silence out of small towns. But she’d been chasing this trafficking story for months, and Wynnewood was humming with the wrong kind of quiet.My Comment: But…here, the author intrudes to state a fact.

It's pretty easy to change this from an author intrusion to something Cass is thinking. For example, if you were to write something like, “Cass scowled at her coffee and heaved a sigh. She was used to the runaround….” That prelude, where you show her emotional state, gives context to what follows and suggests it’s her internal thought.

Cass’s pulse ticked up. She tossed some bills on the counter, grabbed her jacket, and headed for the door.My Comment: The problem here is that this is a “quick cut,” like in a movie or a TV show. These work fine in a visual medium, where there are so many other elements at work to keep the continuity in place. But here, we’re barely in this new scene when we lurch back to Todd.

Each change in POV threatens to take the reader out of the fictional world. So, it would be better to have stayed with Todd (or Elena) to the completion of the scene and then switch to Cass.

Her hands shook as she wrapped them around the cup. The steam blurred her vision, and for a moment she thought of her mother’s kitchen years ago, before everything had been ripped away. She pushed the thought down.My Comment: I’m sure you know the comment I’m going to make: we started in Todd’s POV, but now we’ve hopped into in Elena’s.

Todd leaned against the counter, studying her. He didn’t ask questions—not yet. He knew that look, the hollow one people carried after war zones and wrecks.

Elena sipped. The warmth steadied her, but her eyes kept flicking toward the window.My Comment: The flip-flops continue. Todd knows Elena’s look. The warmth steadies Elena. Easy fixes to stay in Todd’s POV throughout.

Miles away, "Caleb Voss" leaned against his truck at a rest stop, night wind tugging at his tactical jacket. He lit a cigarette, scar along his jaw catching the glow.My Comment: A new scene, and another new character. This is a good opening that puts us in Caleb’s head.

However, one thing to beware is having too many POV characters, especially in a short story. Each change in POV risks losing the reader. Each transition to a new POV requires re-establishing the POV, which takes space, which makes the story longer. All of this works against keeping the reader engaged. Even worse, readers will lose track of who’s who if you have too many characters.
Again, in a movie or TV show, this is MUCH less of a problem. For one thing, you’ve got the*faces* of the actors, their costumes, the musical motif associated with each, and so on, making it easy for the audience to keep track who’s who. All of this is much harder in a short story or novel.

It can help to give each character some memorable quirky trait, but, again, readers are inattentive critters. The more characters you’ve got, the more likely you are to lose your readers. This is especially true if the scenes in which the characters appear are short—see my comments about Cass above. The same comment applies here, where the scene is quite short.

The next morning broke pale and gray. A low mist clung to the streets of Wynnewood, softening the outlines of the town’s single stoplight and weathered storefronts. Todd Vance stood in his garage doorway, a mug of coffee steaming in his hand, watching the horizon.My Comment: Same suggestion here as at the start of the story: invert the order of the sentences, to put the readers in Todd’s head. Otherwise, we’ve got the omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, looking in.

Two miles outside town, Caleb Voss leaned against a patrol car parked under the trees. Beside him, Sergeant Mark Ellison adjusted his neatly pressed uniform, sunglasses glinting.My Comment: Another really short scene.

I get that you’re showing events in the order in which they happen. This little scene is happening while Cass, Todd, and Elena are talking. But you’ve broken the continuity. I’m becoming a broken record, I know, but, while this works great in a visual medium, it’s almost impossible to pull off on the written page. In fact, I can’t think of anyone who can do it, or even tries to do it. It’s better to keep the continuity of a scene going than to have these breaks.

My Comment: I’m only about midway through your story, but I think I’m going to stop here. By now you should have a clear idea of what I’m talking about with third person limited, and you don’t need me to continue to hit you over the head with it. In fact, I think I'm repeating myself--a hazard of old age.

In any case, it’s probably better if you provide the same analysis to the rest of your story on your own—you’ll learn more by doing that for sure. As you can see, *none* of this is deep or complicated. It just takes paying attention to details…
Writing this, it occurs to me that might be a special challenge, given your circumstances. If you WANT me to continue in this vein for the rest of the story, let me know and I will.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

3

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4828667

Review of The Last Time I Saw The Sun

Review by

In affiliation with Short Fiction Authors

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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Thanks for asking me to read this. It's always a pleasure to read something new from you.

Item Reviewed: "The Last Time I Saw The Sun"

by Daisan

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

I think I'm going to bypass my usual headings and move directly to general remarks.

Just my personal opinion
First, I enjoyed reading this from the first-person perspective a more-or-less recently turned vampire. They live so long that "recently turned" could mean they've been a vampire for years or even decades, but are still discovering aspects of what it means to be a vampire--another feature of this piece that makes it interesting. The character's voice is quite different from things of yours I've previously read, but it's still solid and distinctive. There's enough to make him sympathetic (he is a "he," right?). We even get a sense of goals, stakes, and obstacles, all essential things to know about a character.

But...nothing happens. This is all the character, explaining what it's like to be a vampire. We learn what he expected, what "they" expected, what he hopes to be true and fears really is true. But there's not a sense of the here-and-now, of action.

So...this could be a great bit to *launch* an actual story, a preamble of sorts. To make it more interesting--and perhaps add some tension--he might be telling this stuff to someone. Ann Rice had her vampire giving an interview, of course, but I wouldn't recommend imitating that. Instead, he might be talking to someone who wants to be turned, who was eager for it. So, perhaps, he's bound and gagged that person before turning him (or her), and explaining what's in store. That's just an example--but turning this into a conversation would add a sense of movement and tension. In fact, it could be a self-contained story that ends with him asking the person if they still want to be turned, and leaving their answer open.

In any case, this is interesting as it stands, but it's not a story in the sense of having a beginning, middle, and end, or rising tension, a climax, and resolution, or whatever elements of the three act structure are your favorite. Another possiblity would be to make it an article for Vampires Anonymous or some other fictional periodical. That would add context, but not tension. Since you've got goals, stakes, and obstacles for your character, you've got the building blocks of tension, which is the engine that drives a story. So, my main advice is to use those building blocks to put actual tension into the piece.

Thanks again for sharing. This was quite different, and fun to read.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

All I found were a couple of comma errors. Here's a link to a quick set of comma rules:
https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/punctua...

I see the look in some of their eyes and have witnessed the carnage they've caused with that look and it makes my stomach turn.

My Comment: Missing comma after “look.”

One thing that's true for all of us is the sun and that's apparent early on because of the mind piercing pain that comes from trying to look at it or what happens when an errant ray of sun hits your skin. My Comment: Missing comma after “sun.”

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

4

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4820688

Review of The Men From Macon

Review by

In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

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Hi. Max here. Thanks for asking me to read your story. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.

Item Reviewed:

STATIC

The Men From Macon

(18+)
Strangers always seem to bring bad tidings or bad luck.
#2341984 by Daisan

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
There's so much to love here.

First, as always, I absolutely love the presentation of Cole's dialect. It's like your the Robert Burns of this particular dialect--it's truly masterful.

Secondly, I love the nuanced characterizations. There's Cole, of course, with his wariness and hard-earned caution. But the four criminals are also well-drawn with just a few words and gestures. They are cold, calculating, murderous, and entirely believable.

Thirdly, there's the tension. From the arrival of the Chevy, it ramps higher and higher. It's awesome the way you crank it up.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening does a great job of setting the scene and estabilishing the point of view. The only minor thing you might consider adding would be a sensation only Cole can feel or sense--an odor, or the heat. Something to nail that we're in his head.

Plot
Cole's just out to make a few bucks washing cars when the four "crackers" in the chevy arrive. From that point, the tension just ramps higher and higher.

Hook
I have the sense this is the section of a longer story. The next section puts Martin and Goggins with Lil' Charles at the Harris's bar. The final section would be Talley at the same bar--at least that's my guess.

If I'm right, the ending here provides an awesome hook.

HOwever, if this is a stand-alone story, the ending still works. It relieves the basic tension--Cole escapes to the woods--but leaves the underlying threat of violence still there, leaving the readers wanting more. I've read other stories withe Lil' Charles, so I have an idea of what will follow and WANT to read the rest of the story, but I think it's a good ending for a stand-alone story. It ends Cole's part of the drama, while leaving the underlying threat unresovled.

Style and Voice
Third person limited, in three sections. We're in Cole's head in the first and last and in Talley's head in the middle. In the middle section, I'd definitely give Talley an internal sensation of some kind in that initial paragraph to nail that we're in his POV.

On the middle section...As you'll see in the line-by-line notes, I was confused. There were clearly four people in the car, but for almost the entire middle section only three are at the table. The fourth guy, Martin, was off talking to the cook and doesn't appear until the very end. There are several ways to resolve this--they could just ask the server about the Harris's for, example, and get the answers directly instead of second-hand. That puts four guys at the table in the ensuing conversation. Or you could mention the "fourth guy, Martin," is at the counter chatting up the cook. Or...just have three guys in the car in the first place and get the info from the server.

Some othe confusing points. The driver kind of looked like the group's leader in the first section. He gets out of the car and talks breifly with Cole, then signals to someone in the car to pull it in. That sure sounds like he's making a decision and ordering the people in the car to do stuff. Whoever was in the passenger seat complied and slid across the (bench seat?) to move the car.

In the middle section, however, we learn that he's "just" the driver and one of the other guys, Talley, is the leader.

I was also a bit confused about some of the dialogue in the middle section, as you will see in the line-by-line comments below.

Finally, I'd also condider having Talley--not the driver--be the one who asks the question about the Harris's. In the middle section, he's the one who answers when Goggin's wonders why they asked COle about the the Harris's--another point of confusion.

Referencing
Lots of indirect references to the rural south, but I'm a little uncertain of the era. Don't most cars have bucket seats in the front now? Yet, it sounded like the passenger slid across a bench seat to move the car. No cell phones is another possible marker that this is an earlier era. Easy enough to reslove--Cole could see the car pull in as dusty "'57 Chevy, so new it still had dealer plates" to establish the specific year.

Scene/Setting
Good scene setting at the start, with Cole. Less so in the middle section--having Talley smell the food in the restaurant, or maybe having the murmer of conversation stop when the four walk in would suffice.

Characters
See above. The characterizations are nuanced and, in the case of the killers, chilling. Cole is easily someone readers will cheer for.

Grammar
I found a couple trivial things to whine about--see the line-by-line below.

Just my personal opinion
This is a REALLY good story. Reading it was a great way to start my day. You'll see below I made a ton nit-picky suggestions, none of which are in any way critical. The dialogue, the use of the dialected, the tension, the characterizations, and the plots are all strong. Thanks for sharing and letting me read another of your amazing stories.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

cast off chair he'd dug out of the trashMy Comment: typo: cast-off. In passing, you might consider him having a hand-lettered sign reading “Car washes six bits” or some such, to better establish what he’s doing. Also, giving him a sensation would help to put readers inside his head—maybe the detergent is lemon-scented, or the slats on the chair bite his butt.

Chevy sedan, logo My Comment: Don’t need “logo,” and it makes the sentence confusing.

feeling what seemed like a clickMy Comment: Had to read twice. Did you mean “crick?”
A couple of other things. Phrases like “feeling” are a subtle form of telling. It’s almost always more immediate and intimeat for the readers to describe directly what “felt” (or saw, heard, smelled, or otherwise sensed). Since we’re already in his head, we’ll know he “felt” it, but if you want to emphasize that fact, you could describe the sensation and then have him react with a wince or a sigh. That sequence—describe the sensation followed by his reaction—also is an action/reaction sequence that firms of the connection with the here-and-now of ongoing events.
Finally, “what seemed like” made these sensations seem tentative. I’d recommend omitting it. 0

Cole sawMy Comment: See the above comment—just describe directly what he sees.

the back window on the driver's side inch up and the person in the passenger's seat slid over, his hand making the Macon Peaches air fresher swing back and forth as he settled behind the wheel and pulled under the structure.My Comment: This sentence is a little long. I’d recommend splitting it.

It was only then he noticed the other passengers, the doors opening as three men got out. Hard men from the looks of them.My Comment: I guess I’m feeling really nit-picky this morning. Lucky you.

First, notice here THREE men get out of the car at this point. The driver is standing next to Cole, so apparently there were FOUR men car, counting the driver. For almost the entire the middle section, only three men speak. What happened to the fourth guy?

Technically, the antecedent to for “he” would be the guy in the car in the immediately prior sentence, so it would be more correct grammatically to use “Cole” here. In fact, the “hard men” is so important, I’d consider making this part a separate paragraph. And, instead of “Cole noticed,” maybe just have the men step out. The “hard men” bit is Cole’s reaction to seeing them—an action/reaction sequence.

The other two were regular sized fellows, they My Comment: I’d consider semicolon or period here, for readability.

The driver nodded, still smiling. "Food any good?"My Comment: I love the way this ramps up the tension. The conflict between Cole’s conclusion they are killers, the smile, and the apparently innocent question is awesome.

before he noticed the men hadn't moved.My Comment: Repeats him “noticing” something after it happened…

The man approached him, smiling.My Comment: I’d stick in “still smiling,” to emphasize the falseness of the smile.

he looked around casually,My Comment: I hate adverbs. Why does Cole think he’s looking around “casually?” If he flips his hand or waves it, that might indicate his “glance” is casual.

boring into the old negro.My Comment: “old negro” kind of takes us out of Cole’s head. How about “eyes boring a hole into Cole.” ?

He could feel the other men looking at him, considering.My Comment: I’d leave the “he could feel” here—it gives weight to the gaze of the other men. (no “rule” is absolute) However, if the weight of the other men's stares pressed on him, that makes their gaze an active part of the scene...

the one where he'd kept a shiv

My Comment: another bump to the tension.

Talley's eyes skimmed the menu, pausing on the chicken fried steak. "Think he was lying?"My Comment: For almost this entire sequence, there are three people who speak: Talley, Goggins, and Walton. Earlier, with the driver standing next to Cole, three men get out of the car.

'Jus' 'down the road, there,'' he mimicked,My Comment: Typo—missing opening double-quote.

"No harm in asking." Talley shrugged. "Besides, it helps us get a feel on how they stand with the locals."
Walton frowned. "How you figure?"My Comment: Notice this is in answer to Goggin’s question, “why did you ask.” From this sequence, it sounds like Talley was the one who asked the question, but it was the driver. I figured this out on the 2nd read. On the first read, I just had an uneasy feeling something was confusing here.

but it was GogginsMy Comment: You referenced Goggin’s stature at least once prior to this, but doing so again here as “that big galoot Goggins” or words to that effect might help. Also, you might have him think “the driver, Walton,”, again to help readers coordinate identities here with those in the first scene.

but it was GogginsMy Comment: You referenced Goggin’s stature at least once prior to this, but doing so again here as “that big galoot Goggins” or words to that effect might help. Also, you might have him think “the driver, Walton,”, again to help readers coordinate identities here with those in the first scene.

The men turned as the final member of their party, Martin approached, sliding out a chair and joining them.My Comment: aha! Here is the fourth man!

the man's mouth jerking up into a smile.My Comment: which man? The OTHER man’s, or Goggins’?

." He could tell Goggins didn't like that, the man's mouth becoming a tight line.My Comment: Reverses action/reaction sequence. Have Goggins react, then Talley conclude he didn’t like it—or more like he didn’t give a rat’s ass that Talley didn’t like it.

Cole was just about ready to start drying the car when he heard the pulpwood truck rumbling down the road.My Comment: “he heard…” Just have the truck come rumbling down the road.

After a few seconds a smile split his face and he started for the road, flagging the driver with his towel the squeal of the brakes matching the roar of the engine as the vehicle slowed to a stop, the driver's side and a familiar face filled the window with a wide gap toothed smile.

My Comment: I’d split this sentence into two or maybe three parts. First Cole flags the driver. Then the brakes squeak and the vehicle slows to a stop. Finally, the driver’s side <window?> opens and the face appears.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out "Thoughts on Writing"

5

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4801456

Review of A Supernaturally Dark Experience

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Need a review? Visit

Hi. My Thansks for asking me to read your story. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.

Item Reviewed:

STATIC

A Supernaturally Dark Experience

(E)
A fictional story about the supernatural experience of a darkness that can be felt.
#2333784 by Marvelous Friend

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I liked this story's tension and the creeping darkness. I also liked the unresolved ending--letting the reader decide what really happened.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your first sentence sets the hook--and informs the reader what kind of story this will be. The remainder of the first paragraph answers the basic who/what/when/where questions that orient the reader, and establishes the point of view. This is all effective and well done.

My only suggestion would be to involve the sense of smell in the opening paragraph. It's all in the garden, which will be redolent with the scent of earth and growing things. Marigolds, in particular, have a particular odor.

Plot
From the moment the storm cloud appears, the tension starts, and continues to increase as the darkness--and mystery--deepens. Good job with the plot and the tension!

Style and Voice
First person. No slips.

You might consider third person limited, though. The first person narration has the advantage of immediacy, but it also implies that the narrator has survived to tell the tale. Just a thought.

Scene/Setting
Good job here, too, especially in the opening.

Characters
The narrator is a happy gardener, until the darkness appears. From that point on, the narrator struggles to understand what's happening, then eventually decides there's nothing to do but wait it out. Alas, that may not have been the wisest choice, even if it seems none other is available.

Grammar
This isn't really grammar, but I noticed some repeated words--especially "felt." See the line-by-line remarks below.

Just my personal opinion
I liked the structure, plot, and tension for this story quite a lot. But I do have a bigger suggestion.

I did notice a tendency to tell the reader what's happening rather than showing it. This "telling" is the most natural thing to do with first person narration, and is exactly the reason that first person narration is harder to do effectively than third person limited. In the line-by-line remarks below, I've noted a few places, in particular, where this happens, along with some general suggestions for re-wording. I think adding sensations, in particular, would deepen the readers' connections with the ominimous happenings in the story. So, instead of saying, "It was cold," have the cold "chill my flesh" or, better yet, "prickle the skin on my exposed arms."

To repeat what I said at the outset, I liked this story. Some modest tweaking--to show more and tell less--would make the story more intimate and, in my view, more effective. That said, this is a fine story as it stands.

Thanks for sharing this story--a satisfying, scary story was just what I needed to brighten my morning! Good luck in the contest!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

I looked up and saw a dark cloud in the distance. My Comment: Phrases like “I saw” or “felt” or otherwise sensed are a subtle form of telling. Usually, it’s better to describe directly what he saw. Since this is a first person narrative, readers will infer the narrator “saw” it. If you want to emphasize this, have the narrator react in some way after the description—as you do here, when the narrator concludes it’s going to storm and rushes to get the tarp.

There was a coldness in the air that came with it.My Comment: States a fact. This is an opportunity to show the coldness by having it chill his flesh, or maybe make him shiver.

All of my hairs stood up on the back of my neck and my body went into fight or flight mode.My Comment: As before, you might consider making this into a sensation, such as having the hairs prickle on the back of his neck.

I slid to the end of the couch and felt for the drawer in my end table. I found the drawer and slid it open. I felt around for the flashlight. It took a minute, but I felt it. I pulled it out and tried to turn it on. My Comment: Watch out for repeated words here: “felt,” in particular, repeats three times. “Drawer” repeats in the second sentence, so you could use a pronoun instead. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone, so it’s better to have varied word choices.

for what felt like an eternity

My Comment: “felt” again…maybe “seemed?”

felt around until I found the candles and matches. I felt the matchMy Comment: I know, I’m getting repetitive here…but you see my point.

I began to feel panicked.My Comment: suggest describing the physical sensation of panic. His hands might tremble, for example, or he might clench his teeth. Sweat might chill his body.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out "Thoughts on Writing"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4771433

Review of (Untitled)

Review by

In affiliation with Short Fiction Authors

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Need a review? Visit

Hi. Thank you for asking me to read your story. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.

Item Reviewed: "(Untitled)"

by Andrew W

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
My favorite part of this story is this exchange between Zack and his wife:
She raised her right eyebrow and his eyes widened. He sighed, “Fine.”
That little tip of the eyebrow and Zack's reaction speaks volumes about their relationship! This is a marvelous example of showing as opposed to telling and leading the reader to infer the emotional exchange that happens between husband and wife. Best of all, you did this with just 12 words. Really awesome!

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening names your point of view character--Zack--and puts him in motion, eating a tuna sandwich. You orient the reader as to where he is and who else is around. We even get a hint of his emotional state when he smiles at her. Then she speaks, and his smile vanishes, which starts the emotional journey at the heart of this story.

I did have a minor formatting nitpick--see the line-by-line remarks below--but overall this is a really good opening.

Plot
On the surface, this is a story about a husband and wife chatting over a possible vacation. But, I think, it's really about the emotional tension that underlies this seemingly innocent conversation. That tension is a subtext--you never tell us anyone is angry. The closest we get is a tipped eyebrow. But Zack's reaction to that eyebrow--see above--reveals all.

I have to say, though, that much as I liked this subtext, the ending wasn't particularly satisfying. The story felt incomplete. I have a suggestion on that below.

I should tell you that thinking about this story inspired my upcoming "For Authors" newsletter due out this week. If you want a preview, check out "For Authors Newsletter (August 28, 2024)"

Style and Voice
This is third person and, arguably, in Zack's point of view since he's the only character present from start to finish. I think it might be a bit stronger if we were more deeply in Zack's head. As it's written, it could be someone standing outside the story, looking in, telling us what happened, right down to the detail of the tipped eyebrow. It has the feeling of a narrator, outside the fictional world, giving a dispassionate, almost clinical, description of events.

It might add some intimacy if, instead, the readers were inside Zack's head, experiencing the here-and-now of the story. After all, it's about his emotional journey. One way to accomplish that would be to give him a sensation of some kind at the very beginning. Maybe he smells coffee, or the tang of horseradish on his sandwich burns his tongue. A sensation is something only he can feel, and it might help put the reader inside his head, and thus inside the fictional world.

Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging--I could tell where Zack and his wife were in relation to each other. I generally want more description, and I feel the same way here. But any added description should advance character or plot and not deviate from your otherwise spare narrative--the spare narrative mirrors their relationship. So, perhaps in the kitchen Zack ignores--or frowns at--dirty dishes in the sink. The idea would be to have him react to some detail that adds to the emotional subtext that builds in the story. Just a thought.

Characters
Zack. His wife. The kids. There's lots of tension there, all of it implied, but it's there in spades. Good work.

Grammar
I only saw one minor formatting issue to whine about--see below. Otherwise, good job!

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Flash fiction is notoriously hard to write since, by definition, it values economy over all else. You've achieved the economy, but managed to also have a story with emotional depth. That's quite an accomplishment.

This story wasn't exactly a dream but more of a spare narration of a conversation between husband and wife. But that conversation, and the implied emotional subtext, is awesome. Despite the fact that the ending left me unsatisfied, this was an intriguing story that made me think about why it felt to me like the story stopped rather than concluded. I like it when a story makes me think, and so thank you for doing that. As you'll see below, I think a slight change to the ending, even just two or three additional words, might make a big difference in this otherwise really well-done flash fiction.

Thanks for sharing, and do keep writing!!! THis story shows a subtle skill at weaving tension and emotions into the narrative.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

She smiled back, “I want to go on a trip. I am thinking…Charlotte North Carolina.” His smile went away, “Any reason?”My Comment: I already said I liked the opening. Here's the nit-picky formatting suggestion I mentioned above.

Most style guides say to start a new paragraph when a new person speaks. For example, paragraph 12.40 of the Chicago Manual of Style says, "A change in speaker is usually indicated by a new paragraph…"

The Chicago Manual of Style is probably the gold standard for fiction authors, although individual publishers often have their own guides. CMOS is subscription-only, but many universities have writing centers with excellent--and free--online guides. The one at Purdue University is one of the best--see, for example, their discussion on formatting dialogue in fiction.

He quickly finished his lunch, and then went to the computer. He sat there, staring at the screen for about five minutes, then searched for another place.My Comment: Here's my suggestion about the ending.

I admit I've been puzzling over the ending, trying to think through why it felt incomplete. I think perhaps what's missing is a clue as to what's in Zack's mind as he sits there.

In the opening, we got a sense of Zack's emotional state as his smile appeared and then disappeared. That launches the emotional journey he's on in this story, culminating the passage I flagged as my favorite bit in the story.

Perhaps if you closed in a similar fashion, we'd have a sense of how his emotions changed over the course of the story. Since this story is primarily about his emotional journey during his encounter with his wife, it might help to have a sense of how that journey concludes at the ending. This would add an arc, i.e., structure to the story, and give the underlying emotional roller-coaster an end.

Tha's just my $0.02 worth, and it's probably over-priced. But I do think a touch more structure would make the story conclude rather than just stop.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4757393

Review of Choke

Review by

In affiliation with Short Fiction Authors

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Choke"

by Amethyst Angel 🌼

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
This is a feel-good story which was fun to read. The ending is foreshadowed, of course, and I could see it coming from a mile away, but that didn't reduce the satisfaction of seeing my expectations fulfilled.

On the other hand...well, that's for later.

Opening
Your opening names your POV character, puts her in motion, and orients the reader at least to the who and where questions. In the fifth paragraph, we get the "why" question answered and learn what the story will be about.

You might consider re-arranging things a bit, so that the missing Ryan shows up earlier. Maybe his dog tags dangle from the rear view mirror, for example, and she blinks back tears. That shows her emotional state and a connection with her husband. She wouldn't have his dog tags unless he was missing and/or dead. You could fill in the details later, but I think this bit of intimacy might lead to a quicker connecttion with Jenny and with the story itself.

Plot
The plot reminds me of a Hallmark made-for-TV movie. Millions of viewers enjoy these precisely because they are predictable and always have a HEA ending. So, there's something to be said for predictability. Personally, I'd rather have an unexpected ending--and an ending that didn't stretch credulity.

Indeed, the improbability of the events of the story is my biggest complaint. More on that in the line-by-line comments.

My suggestion would be that she takes in a homeless vet who looks a bit like the missing Ryan. She hopes it's him, but instead of confirming or dashing her hopes, leave it there, with her showing charity and care for the man and him showing gratitude. Let the readers write their own ending, deciding on their own whether he's the real Ryan or not. Indeed, you might even have her think about the tattoo and decide she doesn't want to know if it's really him or not.

Hook
The opening needs to hook the reader into the story. In this case, the missing Ryan is the hook, which is why it needs to appear earlier in the opening.

Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Jenny's head. THere are some narrated intrusions--mostly back-story or transitional that depart from the here-and-now.

Scene/Setting
Some nice touches here.

Grammar

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Just my personal opinion
This is a nice, feel-good story with a HEA ending. I think we could get to the HEA ending and the feel-good vibe without the improbable circcumstances, but that's up to you. My guess is that most readers, like viewers of Hallmark's TV romances, won't be troubled by improbabilities and won't share my taste for ambiguity.

Thanks for sharing!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Her half dreaming reverie was shattered by the crunch of tires as a sheriff's Explorer pulled up next to her Civic.My Comment: Passive voice…

It was Deputy Laura, a good friend of hers, who leaned on the door.My Comment: author intrudes to state a fact. If, instead, you wrote "she recognized…" it would be Jenny's head.

"You're holding on. You think if you sell, it'll be the end and you'll never see him again. I don't think that's wise. It's time to move on."My Comment: For a friend, she's coming off here as pretty cold.

A single orange incandescent street light blinked on, casting a shadowy glow inside her car.My Comment: Nice…a metaphor for her single, forlorn hope that her husband is still alive, of course.

"I wish I'd thought of this sooner," she said to Laura as they stood in the dining area,My Comment: Of course, she didn't think of it. Laura did.

The drudgery of Jenny's undertaking became apparent over the next few weeks, as the initial glitz wore off and selfies with local celebrities at the new charity cafe were no longer trending on Facebook.My Comment: Another bit of narrated back story where the author intrudes to tell us, rather than showing things real-time.

Jenny felt a rush of disappointment.My Comment: Good to have an internal sensation here, but the "Jenny felt" is a subtle form of telling. It's better to describe directly that she felt--we're in her head, so readers will infer she "felt" it. If you want to emphasize that, describe the sensation and then have her react in some way.

But she studied his facial structure carefully.My Comment: Adverbs…you know I hate 'em, right? Here, the more precise verb "scrutinized" would be better than the weak verb/adverb combination of "studied…carefully"

"I woke up all alone in the hills of Afghanistan with a head injury six years ago, and that's the first thing I remember about myself.My Comment: It's here that the prior plot hints become clear, and verisimilitude collapses. It's impossible to believe that an American in Afghanistan wouldn't have come to the attention of the US military (how else would he have gotten from there back to the US?) and then been identified as a MIA soldier.

Even supposing this could have happened, the coincidence of him appearing back in his home town seems even more unlikely.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out my blog post

on point of view.

8

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4753450

Review of Let's Hurt Tonight

Review by

In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Let's Hurt Tonight"

by Amethyst Angel 🌼

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
For me, the fact that the protagonist, Mary, is asexual is the best part of this story. As with any minority--and especially sexual minorities--she faces many challenges, and the story does an excellent job presenting those. They range from denial that asexual people exist, to overt social and religious prejudice, to finding a suitable life partner. The story also does an excellent job showing the difference between asexual and aromantic, since Mary clearly describes a romantic and loving relationship with her husband.

So, for me, the best part of this story is that it is an important contribution to LGBTQIA+ literature, and especially to the often neglected "Ace" part.

Opening
Your opening foreshadows the plot via the torn photograph, so it achieves the fundamental goal of immediately injecting tension into the narrative and letting the reader know what kind of story it will be.

A couple of minor complaints. In the second sentence, where the dresser drawer is hanging open, I at first thought it must be a dresser drawer in the *picture*--the one she's staring at in the first sentence. As a suggestion--if you have her pawing through her husband's drawer looking for the scissors and instead uncovering a torn photograph, you would orient the readers as to where she's at and what she's doing. Indeed, in retrospect, I wonder why she's looking in his dresser drawer for scissors? Wouldn't his "junk drawer" or "tool drawer" be a better candidate? Then we'd know immediately that she's not snooping, just looking for the blasted scissors which have somehow managed to disappear.

The chirping bird, though, is a nice counterpoint to the shock she must feel at finding the photo.

Finally, I wish that you'd found a way to tell us her name earlier in the story. Knowing her name helps readers identify with her and draws them into her head. However, giving the name of a first-person narrator is always a challenge, and it's certainly not a critical problem.

Plot
From the instant she finds the photograph, we know that the story will center on potential infidelity. The tension increases throughout, especially when her friend Shawn shows up with incriminating evidence.

The scene with Shawn, by the way, is excellent. She comes out to him, and encounters--from her friend--the whole array of social prejudices that she's dealt with all her life. That little scene really brings home an array of social prejudices and expectations.

Style and Voice
First person. No slips.

Scene/Setting
A bit sparse. It would be nice to see photos of Mary and Pierre in a romantic moment, for example, to reinforce the character of their relationship.

Characters
Mary is the star, of course, but all of the other characters are credible.

Grammar
In the line-by-line remarks below, I've marked one or two places where the phrasing seemed a bit off. Nothing major.

Just my personal opinion
I liked this story quite a lot. It's informative, it made me think more deeply about the "A" in LGBTQIA+, and makes an immportant contribution to LGBTQIA+ literature. Thank you for sharing!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Ah, there it was,My Comment: In the US, "scissors" is plural. Maybe in the UK it is singular?

Finding that photo unleashed a flood of memories,My Comment: what follows qualifies as an info-dump, but it's done seamlessly and doesn't really interrupt the flow of the here-and-now in the story. Instead, it's a credible recap of what she'd likely be thinking in response to finding the photo.

My phone beeped on the desk. It was a text from Shawn, an old friend.My Comment: Last time I checked, she was standing over Pierre's dresser drawer, but now she seems to have moved to her desk. Is it in the bedroom? As above, though, she could be looking through the tool drawer, and the phone is laying where she'd left it on his desk (or on top of his dresser).

if I had a gal that nice My Comment: felt a little off…like he might say instead, "like you…" It would also foreshadow the later turn in the conversation.

"No, seriously? You're still waving the asexual flag?"My Comment: As I was writing my comments above, I was remembering this scene as her coming out to him, but what you've done here is even more effective. He's denying the legitimacy of her identity, which he's apparently known for quite a while. And he's an "old friend." Infuriating, of course, but also a chillingly realistic portrayal.

and I.My Comment: …and me. You need the objective form of the pronoun, since it's the object of the preposition "for."

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

9

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4752118

Review of The Living Fourth: Chapters 1 and 2

Review by

In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Need a review? Visit

Hi. Max here. Thanks for asking me to read your chapter. I enjoyed it and wanted to share with you some thoughts about it.

Item Reviewed: "The Living Fourth: Chapters 1 and 2"

by Inkly Ascension

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Note--I've only read chapter one, although there are two chapters in this item.

What I liked best
There is much to love here. I already wrote to you in some detail about the many strengths I saw in this chapter, but let me quickly summarize here.

You start in media res, always a good thing. We meet your protagonist, Damanul, and from the very start he has a compelling set of goals, stakes, and obstacles. Indeed, the mystery of exactly who he is and why he's there promises to be a central feature of ensuing chapters. He's a sympathetic character, and one readers will cheer for. You have a detailed fictional world, presented naturally in the course of the action in the here-and-now of events. And you have an awesome hook to end the chapter that ramps up tension and promises connection with the basic mystery of who Damanul is and how he came to be where he's at. So, from the standpoint of structure, characterization, world-building, and plot, this is a terrific first chapter.

Style and Voice
This is not where I usually start reviews, but here goes.

Roughly 30% of fiction today uses a first person narrator. The overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited. Mostly, we are in Damanul's point of view in this chapter, but the opening paragraphs are largely in third person omniscient. In third person omnscient, the author is outside the story, looking in. The author knows the thoughts and feelings of all the characters, knows what's going to happen, and isn't backward about telling us.

Much great literature has used third person limited, but it's all but disappeared from fiction today. The reason is that third person limited provides with a more intimate and engaging window to the fictional world. We want the reader inside the story, collaborating with the author in imagining the fictional world. This almost always means putting the reader inside a character's head. For a discussion, see "Just One Point of View"

.

So, my biggest suggestion for this chapter is look for and purge the omniscient narration and put us deeply inside Damanul's head from the first line. Mostly, this just means revising the couple of pages since eventually we are deeply in his head without head-hops to Yearlitt or omniscient narration. In the line-by-line remarks below, I'll point out some of the spots that I think need tweaked.

Note that a novel can have more than one point-of-view character. The general rule of thumb is one point of view per scene, but you can shift POV when you shift scenes. However, readers are fragile critters, and too many POV characters can be confusing. Most romance novels have only two POV characters, the romantic leads. SciFi and fantasy tend to have more than two, sometimes many more. Often, though, there is a small number of "anchor" characters that keep returning.

Ok, enough on "voice."

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

The best thing about your opening is that it introduces the fundamental mystery of the chapter (and, probably, the novel) right away. It starts with in media res, with action, as the boy flees from the cave. It orients the readers in space and time. It also reveals that the boy is injured and that he's fleeing captivitiy. These are all great things.

But...it's that omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, looking in, telling us stuff.

If this were a screenplay, this would be awesome guidance for the director's opening shots. But it's not a screenplay, it's a novel. In a novel, we don't have actors, music, the mise en scene, or, most importantly, the eye of the camera. All we've got are words in a row and the readers' imaginations.

However helpful it might be to an author to imagine a movie playing in their heads--and it IS helpful--it's not helpful to readers starting a story. Instead of imagining a movie, try imaging *being* Damanul in that cave, hurting and fearful. Put the readers in his head, revealing what he's feeling, thinking, and doing through his thoughts, deeds, and senses. But keep centered on him.

I'm going to be super-picky and focus on your first two sentences:

The wrong blood was shed that night. The boy who should never have lived so long found his way out of the cave, sobbing and alone, his mind scoured of past and self.

These are all about the omniscient narrator telling the reader stuff. The first sentence, in particular, does this, but so does the second. It tells us the "should never have lived so long" and that his mind is "scoured." Even the last sentence of the first paragraph, where he's weeping at the searing pain across his mouth, is the narrator telling us stuff instead of Damanul experiencing it.

I know I'm being super picky here, but first paragraphs are important. They are also notoriously among the most difficult and challenging parts of any piece of fiction to write.

My advice is to start with the essential information you want the reader to know, including what they MUST know to understand events in the here-and-now. This includes what Damanul does and does not know. Does he know the deer and wolves watch him? How does he know it? Does it matter? If it doesn't matter, leave it out.

Does he know his mind is "scoured?" Certainly, he must realize it when he doesn't know his name later, but does he know that as he stumbles out of the cave?

Once you know what information is essential to understand the here-and-now and to foreshadow what's to come, then put yourself in Damanul's head in that cave. He's in pain. He's fearful--or maybe not, but he's fleeing for sure. Show him in pain. Show the dank interior of the cave, moonlight glimmering off the craggy walls. Is he barefoot? Maybe the muck at the bottom of the cave slithers about his toes. Give him sensations that only he can feel, which will put readers in his head. That's where you want them to be, from the very start.

Remember, though, in third person limited, you are limited to what he knows. That's the whole point of the "limited" part. So, if his mind is scoured, he can't reasonably know the "wrong blood" was shed, or that should "never have lived so long." What he can feel is fear, maybe even urgency, as he stumbles in the moonshadowed darkness. The trick is showing those emotions in his thoughts and, especially, in his deeds.

I know...that's a LOT of comments on the first seventy or so words of the chapter, but those first words are crucial in drawing the readers into Damanul's head, into the fictional world, and, thus, into the story. The more you fine-tune the opening to those goals, the better.

Plot
The chapter does an awesome job with the basic mystery of Damanul's origin and identity.

Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

The disaster hook is almost always the most compelling, and you've got that here. Readers will also connect this with Damanul's arrival on the scene, and hence to the mystery that's central to the chapter. That makes your hook truly awesome.

Referencing
You do a great job sneaking in details about your fictional world--both the cultural and physical aspects. These are all given in a natural way, on an as-needed basis to understand action in the here-and-now. No dreaded info-dumps here! Good job.

Scene/Setting
Enough for staging--I could tell where the characters were in relation with each other. But at some of the scene jumps, I could have used a bit more orientation in terms of place. For example, we jump from the opening three paragraphs where Damanul is fleeing to a new location, in Yearlitt's cabin. You mark the scene break with an extra line of space, but launch with a disembodied voice speaking.

In a new scene, it's helpful to reinforce POV since scene breaks sometimes trigger a new POV, so I'd start with Damanul sensing something. Maybe he warms his palms on his bowl of stew, or inhales its aromas. You could have him cast a wary glance at the man sitting nearby, perched on a stool and holding his own cup in well-worn hands (a nice bit of description that also reveals something about the man). Orienting the reader in, first, POV, then in time and place, and finally in the cast of characters present are important things to keep in mind at scene changes.

Characters
Kurt Vonnegut tells us that every character should want something, even if it's just a glass of water.

Goals animate characters. Bad things happen if they fail to achieve their goals--these are the stakes. They face obstacles, since otherwise there's no story. Conflict arises between goals and obstacles. The outcome of the conflict matters because of the stakes. This gives rise to tension, the engine that drives plot and story.

Damanul's goals are to find his lost identity, to find himself. The stakes could scarcely be higher (although you find a way to raise them by the end of the chapter!), and the obstacles are great, as his injuries attest. He's also determined, brave, and inquisitive, so he's a character readers will want to cheer for.

We know less of Yearlitt's goals, stakes, or obstacles, but we have some tantalizing hints. It suffices for now that he's done a good deed--rescuing Damanul--and is prepared to care for him even if they never find his parents. What role he will play in Damanul's hero's journey remains to be seen, but he's a promising character in any case.

Grammar
I don't read for grammar, but usually find something to whine about. Not here. This is clean copy. Good job on that.

Just my personal opinion
To recap, one way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

The most important elements of good story-telling are evident in this chapter. We've got the start of the classic hero's journey, with a fundamental mystery driving things. We got two credible characters to cheer for, a detailed fictional world, good tension, and an awesome hook. Everything else is nibbling at the edges, to refine details like POV and enhance the fictional dream playing in the readers' heads.

I know I've said a LOT in this review, but that's because I liked this chapter so much. It was WORTH spending time on. You have created a compelling set of characters in a believable world. You have talent. Raw talent, to be sure, but copious talent. Keep writing and growing as an author, and you'll have a great future.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

I fear more nitpicks follow...along with apologies...

For he did not die that dawn, but was found.My Comment: Omniscient narrator telling us what happened. Also, note the passive voice. This puts the readers in a passive, receptive mode. Instead, you want them to be actively imaging events in the here-and-now of the fictional world. Someone found him--so show it happening from the boy's POV.

A very same bowl sat in the boy's hands. He tried to eat it, but it needed time to cool. Even the steam hurt his face. He sat far from the fire blazing in the hearth to his left.My Comment: I'd consider moving this to first line of the new scene. It starts with the boy sensing, which establishes POV, and sets the scene with the fire blazing.

“I don't know my name, sir.”My Comment: Here, I'd expect him to experience surprise and maybe fear at this realization. In the opening few paragraphs, he's going to be focused on escape. I don't walk around thinking "Max did this…" or otherwise referencing my name. (Well, my real name. Max is my author name.) Anyway, he might not realize he doesn't know his name until Yearlitt asks, at which point he'd react, right?

Blue eyes regarded the boy. My Comment: Editors sometimes have foibles. One of my editors always says things like "eyes can't regard the boy, people do." She'd want me to change this to "The man regarded the boy with solemn blue eyes" or something to that effect. Nothing really wrong with what you wrote, unless a reader/editor has a similar foible.

The man was kindly, with a bald head that gleamed in the orange light, and a brown beard that threatened to drink for itself some of his stew. Threadbare robes covered a body accustomed to both work and food.My Comment: The phrasing here suggests omniscient narrator rather the boy. If you said the man "seemed" kindly, or even "kindly enough," that bit of uncertainty makes it more likely that this is Damanul's conclusion rather than the narrator telling us stuff. Similarly, if the body "seemed accustomed" would to the same. However, an adjective for body (lean? Spare?) might also help to suggest that his appearance prompted this conclusion in Damanul.

Observing the man, the boy thought: no charging horse could knock this man down.My Comment: The editorial standard is to eschew "thought tags." If you are quoting an internal thought word-for-word, then the common practice is to use italics to denote the thought, with no "he thought" tag. However, often internal thoughts don't well up as articulated sentences but rather as conclusions, fragmentary realizaitons. This leads to something called free indirect discourse, which is beyond the scope of a review to discuss. See "Really Just One Point of View" if you're interested.

No sound but the crackling of fire and the eventual slurping of the boy at his stew disturbed the man's thoughts.My Comment: We've more or less been in Damanul's head to this point, but here we hop into Yearlitt's: the omniscient narrator tells us what his thoughts are--or, in this case, are not. If his face stayed impassive, we'd stay in Damanul's POV since he can see Yearlitt's face. He--and the reader--will conclude that he's undisturbed by the sounds.

“You were found shivering, muttering. I could not hear what you said, but it was deep in the morning when I found you. You were frightened.”My Comment: Here we've got a tiny time reversal, back to when he found Damanul. See my remark above about showing this as it happened, so that readers see the events in the order which they happened. Then they can recall this as he speaks.

Frightened, yes, the boy thought, and when I woke in this room, with darkness outside my window, I was frightened. Have I ever not been frightened?My Comment: Another time reversal. Why not start the scene with him waking up in the room, darkness outside, etc?

For the first time, Yearlitt of the Water House looked away. “If I was, you'd be older.”My Comment: This whole sequence--from where the boy says "mother…" on through to here and beyond, is really well-done. We've got the boy's internal thought as a reaction to the word "mother," followed by an enticing conclusion. Then comes the startling question, and the description of Yearlitt's reaction. What's important is what's NOT said, of course. This all hints at deeper depth to Yearlitt, at hidden aspects of the character, and it's done seamlessly in the boy's POV. Good job!!!

The boy nodded. Could the same be done of human skin? My Comment: A chilling thought for a seven-year-old…more excellent foreshadowing…

When he finally spoke, it was slowly. Carefully. My Comment: I'm tagging this as positive reinforcement--we're in Damanul's head, so these are things he can observe, and thus the conclusion--"carefully"--belongs to him. Thus, readers will take this as his observation, happening in the here-and-now, and his conclusion rather than an omniscient narrator standing outside the story telling the readers stuff. It's a subtle, but important, point. This is exactly the way third person limited is supposed to work.

The paper next to it had all the words, and to the boy they looked like nothing more than odd shapes and childish scribbling.My Comment: Does he recognize them as words? Or is this the narrator telling us stuff?

“I remember a forest. Many trees, and all of them reaching for me. Many tried to trip me as...as I ran….”My Comment: Another time reversal…great, subjective description of the trees, BTW. But I'd move this to the opening paragraphs and showing it as it happens rather than relegate to him re-telling it now. It would be more immediate and intimate as it happens rather than in narrated flashback.

Monsters beneath the currents…. “I'd like to be named Damanul, sir.”My Comment: Another thing tagged to reinforce good writing. Here is a perfect example of free indirect discourse. There's no "he thought" tag here, nor are italics needed. The way you wrote this, as a fragment, reveals that it's the boy's thoughts. That's exactly the way to do this kind of internal thought.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

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Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

10

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4751309

Review of Wherever I Go

Review by

In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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Hi. thanks for asking me to read your story. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "Wherever I Go"

by Amethyst Angel 🌼

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
This is a fun story about a haunted ruin. It's well-plotted, with rising tension, an exciting climax, and a happy ending. I enjoyed starting my Sunday reading this!

Opening
There are many good things about the opening. You name your characters, for example. You orient your readers, so we know they are in Mesopotamia, that it's hot, the basic relationships between them, and--eventually--why they are there. We also learn--again eventually--about Ryan's goals, why the goals matter, and the obstacle to achieving that goal. Knowing the goals, obstacles, and stakes early helps to add tension and hook the readers. Good work that you've included on all of this, but I might hope for some of it to happen sooner rather than later.

The most important thing to happen sooner, though, is to establish the POV.

It takes quite a while to establish that Ryan is the POV character. True, the first thing that happens is that he speaks, but this doesn't establish POV. The act of speaking doesn't tell us who is hearing him speak, so the POV is indeterminate. A bit later, "they" follow Gina, which is a mark of an omniscient narrator telling us stuff since Gina presumably can't see them (being in front of them), and the collective "they" doesn't single out one as providing the POV.

It'd be stronger to establish Ryan as the POV character right away by having him react to something or sense something internal, or do both. For example, sweat might trickle down his forehead and burn his eyes, or he might squint against the hot, Mesopotamian sun as his wife scampers ahead and climbs the crumbling temple stairs. EIther one of those establishes Ryan is providing the POV.

It would also be helpful to establish a bit earlier that they are looking for Pete's missing spouse, Lettie, who apparently disappeared on a previous visit to the temple.

Plot
Lettie's disappeared and they are looking for her. Good tension just from that, and you continue to ramp it up as Gina disappears, too, and (apparently) in the same location as Lettie. However, we learn about Lettie's disappearance after Gina goes missing. That adds to the importance that readers know about Lettie earlier, so that Gina's disappearance then ramps up a pre-existing level of tension. (So it happens for readers in teh same order it happens for the characters.) When Gina disappears, Pete and Ryan would already be worried about Lettie, and so Gina's disappearance increases the tension the characters feel. But, as written, the readers learn about Lettie's disappearance ex post, which dissipates what should be a leap in tension.

Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Ryan's head eventually.

Scene/Setting
Pretty good, and certainly sufficient for staging. Especially in the action sequence at the end, the fight with Toth, you did an excellent job positioning the characters as they move about. For the most part, you've also got the characters interacting with the setting rather than just describing it.

Characters
Ryan, his wife Gina, their friend Pete, and Pete's missing spouse, Lettie. Oh, and Toth.

Grammar
No complaints.

Just my personal opinion
This is a well-plotted story, with credible characters, an exciting climax, and satisfying ending. I've made a number of nit-picky suggestions, both above and in the line-by-line remarks below, but in terms of structure, characterization, and plotting, this is effective writing and a fun read. Thanks for sharing, and keep on writing!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

They watched as Gina strode ahead, My Comment: "they" is pretty clearly an omniscient narrator describing the scene. Better if the POV character watched. Better still, if Gina just strides ahead and the POV character reacts in some way. Perhaps he frowns, or squints to better see her in the glare of the sunlight.

heat hazedMy Comment: suggest heat-hazed with a hypen

Pete stopped to restMy Comment: tells us why he's stopping, which suggests we're in his head. If he "heaves a sigh and plops down," for example, that's something the POV character could hear and see and lets the reader--and the POV character--infer his motivation.

Unwilling to leave his tired friend, RyanMy Comment: Confirming Ryan must be the POV character since we know his motivation…

"Lettie My Comment: who is Lettie? Of course, you answer this in the subsequent conversation, but see my comments above. The reason they are there in the first place to seek out Lettie, so giving that essential bit of the plot earlier--in the opening first couple of sentences--would be helpful.

! This is extremely important!"My Comment: Feels a bit unnatural. I think she might say something like "it's awesome," or maybe, "you won't believe how it looks."

Loathsome fumes rose up from it.My Comment: Loathsome how? Looking? Or maybe smelling? If the latter, rather than telling us through the adjective, suggest showing us by having Ryan or Pete react to the odor.

It should have been Pete's to find.My Comment: The Gods (or maybe fate?) promised it to Pete, right? Through the Ouija board. Inattentive readers might miss the connection with the current phrasing…

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

11

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4748588

Review of Wrong Place, Wrong Time

Review by

In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

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Hi. Max here. Thank you for asking me to read your story. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.

Item Reviewed: "Wrong Place, Wrong Time"

by John Johnny Johnson

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Remember, only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
You did a great job with the action sequence in this story. These are especially hard to write, but you kept us centered on the protagonist and his reactions to the mayhem around him. Good job!

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening accomplishes a number of things. It names the point-of-view character and reveals quite a bit about him. We get his internal thoughts as he interacts with his companion, which in turn reveal bits about his character, bringing him to life. You also establish the basics of the plot, namely that he's a reporter who's been dispatched to a site with a cameraman.

It becomes apparent over the course of the opening paragraphs that they are in an airplane en route to a remote destination.

Thus, your openining also orients the reader by answering the basic who, what, when, where, and why questions. This is evidence of more good work.

In terms of tweaks, I might suggest a touch more in the opening sentence. For example, he might tighten his seat belt or his ears might pop as the plane makes its descent before he reflects on his assignment. That explicitly establishes the location, and the sensation of ears popping or maybe squirming in his seat helps put readers inside his head, since these are things only he can feel.

Also, as I was reading I envisioned him as a print journalist with a photographer accompanying him. That's my mistake, and easily corrected later, but if you snuck in a reference, maybe from Louis, about him being the on-air talent it would clarify that aspect of the story.

Speaking of Louis, I'd use his name when he's first mentioned, as in "my camerman, Louis, was nice enough..."

Finally, given the action of the story, you might consider adding an element of forboding in the opening paragraphs, something to suggest that this might be a dangerous assignment. Or you could say that they expect it to be a safe assignment, which will, of course, tell the reader the opposite is exactly what will happen.

Plot
On-air talent and a cameraman fly to a remote location to report on rumors of beings with super-powers wreaking havoc.

Style and Voice
First person, in Dafydd's head. No slips.

Referencing
Modern era. Loved the reference to Charlie's Angels.

Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging--I could tell where the characters were at, both physically and relation to each other. I could use a touch more here and there, mostly to help reinforce the connection to Dafydd.

Characters
You made Dafydd into a character readers will want to cheer for. When he's a bit abrupt with Louis, for example, he's self-aware enough to realize that from Louis's reaction and to then moderate his interaction. This little sequence in the opening is excellent characterization, helps draw readers in Dafydd's head, and makes him a sympathetic character. Good job!

Grammar
No complaints here--just a couple of minor typos noted in the line-by-line remarks below.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Overall, I think this is a good story. It's well-written, has good tension, credible characters, and a sympathetic protagonist. The action is well done, and the denouement is satisfying. I enyoyed reading it this morning--it was a great way to start my day. Thank you for sharing!

I've got a few minor remarks in the line-by-line section below. Mostly these are nit-picks, some of which elaborate on the above more general comments.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

A big guy in black body armour My Comment: "big" is one of those non-specific adjectives that are better left unused. Here, it could mean "fat," or "tall," or maybe "muscular." It could even mean he's "channeling Rambo." Any of these would be more specific and thus draw a more detailed picture in the readers' imaginations. Only you know what he looks like, so give us a more precise adjective or description to help us out.

jumped infront of us before jumping away.My Comment: Typo: in front. Also, I'd suggest using a different word for the second instance of "jump," perhaps "jerking" or "twisting." Using the same word in close proximity runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone.

"What the hell was that?!" I near screamed.

"I don't know!" I said with equal panic.My Comment: The layout implies two people are speaking, so I'm guessing there's a typo here.

"Well I'm not going and you can't make me!" He said definitely.My Comment: See comment on adverbs. I'd consider inserting something about his body language to suggest he's being stubborn. Maybe he scowls, for example, or puts his hands on his hips.

I didn't blame him for being scared.My Comment: The word "scared" appeared a couple of sentences earlier. See the comment above on repeating words.

"Hey, I have to be quiteMy Comment: typo: quiet

A woman with dark skin and wearing rock armour then slammed into it and began slamming her hand across its head.My Comment: "slammed" and "slamming"--see above on repeating words and phrases.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

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Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

12

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4745122

Review of The Chat

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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Hi. Back again. I enjoyed reading this story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "The Chat"

by iKïyå§ama

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
This is another really awesome little vignette. The characterizations are deft, with nuanced bits of dialogue to nail the various players, from the haggered parents to the bratty--but beloved--little brother. There's also just the right touch of setting to establish the heat and crappy nature of the car. Finally, the little twist at the end was perfect.

Opening
The bulk of my comments on the opening are in the line-by-line remarks below.

Your opening does a great job establishing the personality of the point-of-view character. Her voice comes through loud and clear, and is one of the charming features of the story. The use of scents--internal sensations only she knows--is an excellent way to put readers in her head, so kudos for that as well.

I've got a lot more on the opening in the line-by-line comments below--mostly about how and why I mis-read the opening paragraphs.

Plot
Amy has a mysterious hold on her little brother, revealed at the end.

Back to the opening...you might consider inserting some kind of foreshadowing in the opening paragraphs about her spell over her brother and/or about her secret Halloween BF. Maybe Jack's squirming and she quirks an eyebrow at him or perhaphs whispers "Davy Jones," making his eyes bug out and causing him to chew his lip. That establishes that she's got some kind of hold on him, and sets up the story arc--what's the mysterious hold? Or some other little sequence might hint at her secret.

Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Amy's head. No slips. Good work here!

Referencing
Probably modern era, although I'd expect Amy to be texting and Jack to maybe be playing on a GameBoy.

Scene/Setting
We've got the interior of the car and its bad smells, and the heat. We've got the hunky guys--I always like hunky guys! Both speak to the mood of the moment and help reinforce Amy's character. Good job here, too.

Characters
Amy, her brother, her parents, and those tempting guys. Oh, and there's her BF from last Halloween. These all come together nicely in the story.

One thing that's kind of missing is a character arc for Amy. Kurt Vonnegut taught us that every character should want something, even if it's just a glass of water. In this case, Amy has a secret--namely the BF she sneaked into the house last Halloween. She doesn't want her parents to know for obvious reasons. The stakes are thus high, since grounding and other undesirable consequences of the secret coming out are obvious. So, by the end, we've got Amy's goals, an obstacle (Jack knows her secret), and stakes (the bad thing that happens if she doesn't acheive her goal of keeping her secret).

Goals, obstacles, and stakes are elements that can add tension to a story, help to give it structure, and unify the various elements. If you could find a way to thread hints of these things into the narrative from the opening paragraphs, I think it could make a stronger story.

Grammar

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

Usually adverbs appear in places where a more precise verb or a touch more description would be better, but you've got great, active verbs throughout. Instead, these adverbs are just little speed bumps that slow down your prose.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I really liked this story a lot. Amy is a sympathetic character, and readers will have no trouble cheering for her. By the time we've got the mystery of her hold over her brother, we want to know the solution, but this happens pretty late in the story. THe narrative--and Amy's character--are engaging enough to keep the readers' interest, but if you could hook us earlier with the mystery, I think this would be a dynamite story.

As it is, it's a fine story and a fun read. It doesn't have to be War and Peace, or A Rose for Emily--it is what it is, and does a fine job of being just that. So, take my comments as the nitpicks they are, and know that this is a good story that readers will enjoy.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Mostly, there's little to quibble about in this story, but of course I found stuff--entirely in the opening as it turns out. I warned you above I was going to comment more on the opening paragraphs. I got everything wrong when I first read initial paragraphs. It finally all came together, and getting it wrong was surely my fault, but knowing why I got it wrong might be helpful to you. At least, I hope so. Anyway, here it goes.

How lucky they are, she thought, with a sigh, as she sank lower down the seat in a car that reeked of stale burgers, wet socks, and sweat.My Comment: "She" has no antecedent. Somewhat later we learn that this is Amy, but why not use her name here? She's the POV character, and using her name helps to put readers inside her head.

A second nit-pick: she's in the back seat, right? With her parents in the front and her brother sitting next to her in the back seat. It took a while for this staging to become clear. See my longer comment below.

“You just went half an hour ago, Jack,” was the impatient retort from the front seat. “We are not stopping again.”

She was rewarded with a petulant shriek and the pounding of Sesame Street sneakers against the back of her seat.My Comment: It's rarely a mistake to think your readers might not be paying attention. Absent specific clues, readers will start a movie playing in their heads. That movie will be stubborn even when it's wrong, which is why orienting readers is important.

At this point, we know that the POV character is female, old enough to be interested in hunky guys, and is in a car. We know that there's a boy named Jack in the car and that he's probably pretty young. We know that someone is in the front seat since a voice speaks from that location.

Things we don't know that I got wrong while reading: Where the POV character is sitting. Back seat? Front seat? Or maybe it's a van and she's in the middle seat, with the boy behind her? Another thing we don't know, for example, is that she's not the mother (i.e., the "voice" speaking from the font seat), sitting in the front seat, and that Jack's legs are not banging against Amy's seat (which is something I initially got totally wrong).

Here's why I went astray. In the first quoted paragraph above, we don't know who is speaking--just that a nameless voice retorted from the front seat. I'd make it explicit that Mom is speaking from the front seat, so she's named and located. If you've earlier named Amy and put her in the back seat, at this point we'd know their relative locations and more about who is in the car. Adding just a couple of words would do these things. By naming the speaker in the first quoted paragraph, the "she" in the second paragraph has an antecedent, namely Mom.

In the next quoted paragraph, the pronoun really threw me. The previous quoted paragraph doesn't give the name of a person or even a gender, so the last *person* the text mentions is Amy. Thus, I thought that the "she" in the second quoted paragraph referred back to the same person as in the lead sentences, the one who's looking at the hunky guys, and not the speaker whose genderless voice emanated from the front seat. That mistake led to a cascade of other errors that persisted for quite a while before I reoriented to what was "really" going on.

Like I said above, readers are inattentive critters.

“Knock it off, Jack,” their father replied absently as he fiddled with the radio dial,My Comment: Here is another pronoun that led to--or maybe reinforced--incorrect inferences. It's Amy's father, so if we're in HER head, he's HER father. But if she's the mother, she'd be thinking of him as "their" father. Simpler if you could just say "Amy's father" here or even just "Dad," and avoid the potential confusions that pronouns generate.

Okay, I'll shut up about the opening now. Sorry to be so long-winded.

Rumour has it that it’s almost at the five-thousand-dollar mark.My Comment: Just an aside…The spelling of "rumour" and use of "dollars" makes me think they are in Canada or maybe Australia? Not important to the story, but it's another example of the inferences readers make from little things.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

13

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4740299

Review of The Firemen

Review by

In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "The Firemen"

by Amethyst Angel 🌼

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I liked the way the two characters meshed with the plot and the theme. This is a nice story!

Opening
You begin with action, which is always good. You establish the initial POV and name your characters, always a challenge with a first person narrator. You establish the basic plot--the band's debut performance. These are all to the good.

The only thing that's missing is the location. Eventually, we learn that they are in a garage, when his mother comes out to complain about the noise. That also establishes their age, older teens still living at home. My only suggestion is insert some bit of description early on about the setting. Maybe the garage door is open and his Mom's car is sitting in the driveway. Or the garage door is closed and the place smells of gasoline and grass trimmings from the lawnmower. It would be nice to get another sense, like smell, into the opening. That would also help to get us in Dan's head.

Plot
We see from the outset that Dan's got an ego problem as the band prepares for its big debut. It's all about him, not his bandmates.

The opening in Dan's head hints at Ryan's insecurities, but we see those clearly in the next scene, in his POV.

This clearly establishes the goals, stakes, and obstacles for both characters, and ties them to the plot--the success or failure of the band's premier.

This is really awesome plotting and characterization.

Hook
Ordinarily a "hook" refers to the ending of a chapter--to "hook" the reader into flipping to the next page. Here, though, the hook is in the opening conflict between Dan and Ryan and the tension induced by their expectations for their premier. So the hook in this case is in the opening, and it's really effective.

Style and Voice
Two first person narratives, alternating between Dan and Ryan.

Referencing
Modern era, where Fleetwood Mac is from the Jurassic.

Scene/Setting
In the intro and later, when the truncated band arrives at the restaurant, you do a good job establishing the location and orienting the reader.

But the start of that section, where Ryan announces "Dan has no idea..." is basically a disembodied voice speaking to the reader. Where is Ryan when he's thinking this? Later, it seems it's the next day and he's having breakfast. So...you might consider launching with him doing chores in the barn and singing to the cows and the cat--which would let you have him doing something and also sensing things like the smell of the barn. That gives him occasion to have the thoughts that launch the section. He might even find a linkage between the barn smells and Dan's BS.

Later, he could rush back to the house for the morning video conference...and the rest follows. In any case, I'd launch by orienting the reader at least to the extent that he's back on the farm and it's the next day.

In passing, I noticed that you changed fonts as you alternated between the two POVs in addition to the normal centered stars. That should help the reader to distinguish the POV switch, although it might also be distracting. I lean toward thinking it helps with clarity.

It's tricky in a piece this short to have two POV characters, but I think you pulled it off. It works mostly because of the way the two characters, their character arcs, and the plot mesh so perfectly.

Characters
Dan's transition from a narcissistic jerk to a friend seemed a bit abrupt to me. Ryan, in contrast, is likable throughout and his transition, including his avowed loyalty to his buddy, seemed genuine. If this story has a fault, it's in Dan's sudden acceptance of Ryan's talent and agreeing to share the starring role. True, he's thinking in terms of leaching off of Ryan's nascent stardom, which makes is a bit more credible...but it also doesn't make him any more likable. Not that he has to be likable...but given the theme, you kind of want the band the band to come together at the end.

Grammar
This looked like clean copy to me. GOod job!

Just my personal opinion
I really liked this story. The characters, the character arcs, the plot, and the overall structure worked together really well. Other than the nitpicks about orienting the readers noted above, it flows well and the wordsmithing shows a mastery of craft.

I didn't find anything to kvetch about in line-by-line comments. Overall, a great job!! Good luck in the contest!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Good job--nothing for me to whine about!!

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

14

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4734138

Review of The Sword and the Song

Review by

In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "The Sword and the Song"

by Amethyst Angel 🌼

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
The plot has a nice twist to it, anticipated by the clever title.

Opening
It took a while to establish Robyn as the point-of view character. I have a couple of suggestions in this regard--see below.

Plot
A dragon threatens the realm. Only Princess Robyn and her trusty sword stand in the way until a reluctant Knight joins her. Oh, and her harp-playing younger sister Nora tags along.

Style and Voice
Mostly this is third person limited, in Robyn's head, with one short head-hop into Nora's head.

In such a short piece, it's generally better to stay in one character's point-of-view. Readers are fragile critters, and can easily lose track of who is seeing/doing things, hence the advice on keeping short stories to one POV (something I've violated myself, I admit).

In this case, I'm not sure that it wouldn't be better to have Nora provide the POV. The only scene where she's not present is the short sequence where Devin betrays Robyn, but this little twist isn't necessary to the story. Indeed, I think it would be stronger to have Nora provide the POV throughout. She could stay behind at the bottom of the cliff while Robyn and Devin depart to do battle. She could soothe horses. Then, she could hear sounds of the battle from far-away, see Devin tumble down the mountainside and see the dragon swoop down to threaten her. The rest of story works fine from there. Both the warriors have failed in their mission (without the unnneccessary betrayal by Devin) and Nora's talents--ignored by others throughout--win the day. The side plot of Devin's betrayal--which is not foreshadowed and rather shocking--isn't necessary to the main theme and plot.

If you decide to switch POV to Nora, then my suggestions in the line-by-line comments about POV vis a vis Robyn and Nora should be reversed, with "Princess Nora stood next to her older sister Robyn" instead of the other way around, for example.

Finally, the story is basically over after the dragon transforms, yet it continues for roughly another 200 words. This is largely to clean up the issues raised by Devin's betrayal, but I'm suggesting taking the betrayal out of the story--in my view, it detracts from the basic plot and character arcs. I think the ending could be shortened considerably, although final two sentences are a satisfying summation of the ultimate outcome.

Scene/Setting
Certainly sufficient for staging, and some nice descriptions of the farmland and the destruction wrought by the dragon.

Characters
Mostly this is about the two princesses and their differing approaches to defending the realm. The side-plot about Devin and his betrayal kind of distracts from this basic story arc. It'd be great in a longer story, but here it just kind of came out of nowhere.

Just my personal opinion
Another nice story. The basic plot and character arcs fit together, and the twist at the end is what makes the story. I admit, I saw the twist coming as soon as the dragon appeared, but that's just because I was looking for it. Most readers don't look for this kind of set-up and will likely be pleasantly surprised. Thanks for sharing, and keep up the good work!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Princess Robyn and her younger sister Nora stood at the castle window overlooking their verdant land. My Comment: To better establish point of view, I'd consider rephrasing this to something like, "Princess Roby stood next her your Nora and gazed out the castle window that overlooked their verdant land."

Even better would be to first give Robyn some sensation or emotion that only she can feel.

A shadow crossed Robyn's face as she remembered how aged and feeble their father the king was. She bowed her head.My Comment: Here we learn what's in Robyn's head, so this is the first indication that she's the POV character. Note, though, that she can't see her face, so having a "shadow cross" it is a POV violation.

King Leon sat at his conference table, surrounded by Arvelia's strongest and bravest young men.My Comment: You're starting a new scene--the time and place have changed. It might be better to reinforce that we're still in Robyn's POV. Perhaps worry chills her tummy as she huddles in the shadows of the King's conference room?

Robyn and Nora rode on one horse along a narrow, winding trail through the woods. My Comment: See above for my comment on POV--having Robyn sit in front of her sister, for example, suggests we're seeing this from her POV.

Nora clutched her harp and ran her fingers across the strings, sending out lightly haunting notes that danced quickly in the air and floated away like a fine mist.My Comment: lovely description!

feeling the skin prickling on her neck.My Comment: We're supposed to be in her POV, right? It's generally better to describe directly what she felt rather than telling us she felt it--show, don't tell, in other words. If you want to emphasize she felt it, have her react in some way, such as shuddering.

"I'll let Yorko handle you,"My Comment: And who, or what, is Yorko? Eventually, I figured out that Yorko is the dragon from earlier, although it wasn't until the ned that it became clear that it wasn't a SECOND dragon.

At the edge of the forest, Nora fussed and fumed about being left behind.My Comment: Change in POV to Nora, right?

As Robyn made her way down, slipping and sliding, she heard Nora's song. My Comment: Here, we've hopped back into Robyn's head.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

15

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4729918

Review of The Curse Unravel

Review by

In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed:

The Curse Unravel

(E)
Would you be willing to take the risk of exposing your curse for someone you dearly love?
#2312371 by GERVIC

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Again, congratulations on winning the "Tales Shown, Not Told Discussion Forum" contest. I'm finally getting around to sending you a review of your item.

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
The imagery in this story is absolutely awesome. Your skill as a poet carries over to your skill with prose, making the words sing. I loved the prose, the plot, and the characterizations.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your glorious use of language to set the scene and tone starts with the very first sentence:
The tension thrummed in the moonlit air, a counterpoint to the gentle chirping of crickets.

As fine as this is, I do have a couple of suggestions for the opening paragrph.

First, and most significant, your opening sentence has no point of view. More exactly, it's the point of view of an omniscient narrator, standing out side the story, describing the scene. By the end of the sedcond sentence, we know it's Yvonne who is sensing these things, but it would be better if you estabilshed her POV in the first sentence. The sooner readers know the name of the protagonist and are in her head, the better in terms of drawing them into the fictional dream.

It would be simple enough to just rearrange things a bit. For example, starting with "Yvonne fidgeted beneath the silver brushstrokes of the crescent moon," using your phrase from the final sentence of the opening paragraph. This would launch the story by naming her, and your marvelous subjective description of the moon establishes her as the POV character, the one seeing those brushstrokes. Since she's "fidgeting," it also would establish her unease.

The second suggestion I have for the opening involves foreshadowing and clarity. Your opening certainly suggests there's a tension in her relationship with Dylan, but the language is a bit ambiguous. We learn somewhat later--and indirectly--that she has doubts about Dylan, and perhaps fears that he's hiding something. But the phrasing in the opening--the "crossroads" she faces--suggests that she's the one with secrets to hide. This ambiguity can lead to reader confusion, and in fact I was initially expecting she'd be the one with the secret, not Dylan.

Of course, her unease about the relationship is also a secert, and one she's been keeping, so there's a symmetry to her character arc and Dylan's. That symmetry is a good thing, but I think adding clarity to the opening wouldn't vitiate it, and might enhance the tension in the story as Dylan begins his "confession."

I have to add that these are minor quibbles. Your opening had me hooked from the first sentence, so it's quite effective as it stands. My suggeested tweaks are minor technicalities.

Plot
Yvonne has doubts about her relationship with Dylan. He's holding something back. He reveals his secret and confirms her doubts. The result is the heart of the story, which I won't spoil by revealing here, but it won't disappoint readers.

One point, however. We never learn precisely what Dylan's secret is, just that it's a legacy of some sort. I like the fact that it's not some hackneyed thing like he's really a werewolf, vampire, or secret zombie, but I could use a bit more clarity about the nature of the legacy. It sounds like it's heritable, so that's another thing that might be in her mind--although that's a distraction, I admit.

I do understand keeping the legacy vague. Perhaps the clarity I seek involves Yvonne's decision. Once it's a secret-no-more, it's something they can face together. The existence of a secret was the basis of her misgivings, and now that the secret is out, he's no longer wearing a mask (so to speak) and their relationship can blossom. If that's the direction you want to go, a touch more clarity along those lines would suffice (and be better than my first impulse).

Style and Voice
Third person limited, and we're solidly in Yvonne's head. There are a couple of minor wobbles, but nothing significant. See the line-by-line remarks below.

Scene/Setting
Every word counts in this story. The scene setting is awesome.

Just my personal opinion
This is a marvelous story that showcases your beautiful prose. Thank you for sharing. You have real talent.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

, Yvonne felt a familiar unease tighten her chest. My Comment: Phrases like "Yvonne felt…" are a subtle form of telling. It's generally more immediate and intimate for the readers if you instead directly describe the sensation--as in "A familiar unease tightened Yvonne's chest."

Yvonne nodded, memories shimmering like fireflies around them. The dappled sunlight, the rush of the water, Dylan's laughter as they chased butterflies. It felt like a lifetime ago, and yet, so painfully present.My Comment: I'm in awe of the marvelous imagery throughout this story…here, for example…

He couldn't finish the question,My Comment: This is a tiny POV violation, since it reaches into his head to tell us he couldn't finish. All she can observe is that he didn't finish, or perhaps that reluctance to finish tinged his features.

It felt warm,My Comment: Another "it felt..."--see above. Consider "it warmed her fingers," making the sensation active rather than the more passive telling of "it felt…"

And as they walked hand-in-hand, Yvonne and Dylan knew that whatever lay ahead, they would face it together, their hearts forever entwined under the watchful gaze of the moon.My Comment: Great ending, except it's another minor POV wobble--you tell us what they both know, but we've been in Yvonne's head throughout. I'd stick with that here. What she knows--what his hand in hers tells her--is that they will face this together. Keeping that intimate connection all the way to the end would, in my view, make the conclusion more satisfying. It's the resolution of her questions as posed in the opening and closes the problem she faced. At least, that's my $0.02 worth, and it's probably over-priced.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out "Thoughts on Writing"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

16

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4729444

Review of Monster

Review by

In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Monster"

by Amethyst Angel 🌼

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
A nice little story, with a twist at the end. It reminded me of the plots typical in the old Alfred Hitchcock TV show, or related mystery magazines that once populated newstands. Thanks for sharing--I enjoyed this bit of nostalgia!!

Opening
Your opening sets the stage for the story by answering the who/what/when/where/why questions. It starts in media res with the inciting incident and moves on from there.

One tweak I'd suggest is naming the first person narrator as soon as possible in the opening. It's easier for readers to identify with him and get into his head if they know his name. At the same time it would be easy to add his wife's name and even to add to the tension by having him sneak by the bedroom where this children were sleeping. Finally, I'd have the intruders actually threaten him with their guns, maybe even firing the first shots. That makes his use of deadly force more likely to avoid criminal charges and establishes his bona fides as a good guy. It also sets up his character arc, as he submits to temptation and comes to enjoy his new role.

Style and Voice
First person, no slips.

Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging--it's clear where everyone is in relation to each other and the setting. But it's also pretty sparse. Bearing in mind Vonnegut's admonition that every sentence should advance character or plot, adding a few touches about the setting could accomplish those goals while at the same time helping to place the reader in the fictional world. Thumps from downstairs, the closed door to the kid's bedroom, the glint of moonlight on the intruder's guns would all accomplish multiple goals and add a bit of depth to the narrative. Don't over-do it--just a touch here and there would be sufficient.

Characters
We get a narrated account of the first and subsequent assignments. I'd prefer at least one assignment to be embedded in the here-and-now, where the narrator goes from nervous to an unexpected exhiliration at the completion of the assignment. That gives him moving along the descent from a good guy defending his family to a cold-blooded killer who enjoys his work.

To complete his descent, I've have the story end with the cops putting handcuffs on him, bringing to an end his character arc.

Also, his wife's undercover occupation is a bit of a stretch. Perhaps she was recruited by the police/FBI because one of her PR clients turned out to be mob-related and they wanted to exploit her inside connections. That seems more credible to me than that she was an undercover PI who hid her true occupation from her husband. (You did say they "barely knew each other," but I think my suggestion is more credible.

Just my personal opinion
I enjoyed this story. The plot is strong, and the twist is a good one. I've read lots of stories of this type over the years, so I was alert to the likely twist and wasn't at all disappointed to find out I was right.

Thanks for giving me this little story to brighten my day! I loved the twist and the turning of the wheels of fate to bring justice at the end of the day.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

"Lock yourself in the bathroom and dial 911."My Comment: Need a dialogue tag here. The last-named person is his wife, so the natural inference is that she is speaking. But context suggests it's the first-person narrator, so the tag would eliminate any momentary confusion. As an aside, having her respond by using his name would let you *name* the first person narrator in the initial paragraphs. The earlier he's named, the better.

It was about a month after I had to kill the two men who had broken in. The situation had been cleared with the police, as it was an obvious case of self-defense.My Comment: Actually, the county attorney would be the one to "clear" the case, not the police. I'd also make it clearer that the intruders threatened him with their guns, making his use of deadly force more clearly an appropriate response.

I heard footsteps behind me.My Comment: Phrases like "I heard" are a subtle form of telling. It's generally better to describe directly what he heard. To emphasize he "heard" it, have him react in some way. For example, "Footfalls sounded behind and I turned."

"This is an offer you cannot refuse, Kevin… I don't suppose you care to see Linda suffer? Or your little boy and girl go missing?"My Comment: Linda is his wife, right? Simple enough to clarify both names in the opening paragraphs instead of letting the readers wonder here.

I didn't tell my wife, of course, and she didn't seem to notice that I was spending more time away from home. Her job as a market research analyst for a major public relations firm kept her preoccupied. Sometimes I marvelled at the fact that we had two kids and yet we hardly knew each other anymore.My Comment: See my comment above. Here, I'd also consider adding that, as luck would have it, she was also spending more time out of town.

"Listen, Kevin. We have one final assignment for you. There's a private investigator on our trail, and I want her eliminated."My Comment: If you follow my suggestion, then there'd be an "informant" who is leaking information to the FBI.

It seemed odd that the target was in Atlanta at the same time Linda would be there on a business trip. But I thought nothing of it.My Comment: So, she's on a business trip, but has taken her own car--he recognizes it later. Absent other information, I'd assumed that they had flown to Atlanta, so finding her car was a bit a surprise. Easy enough to have them drive up from Chattanooga, or maybe from Marietta and eliminate uncertainty.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

17

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4727447

Review of Community Service

Review by

In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Community Service"

by Amethyst Angel 🌼

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
This is a really fine story. It's hard to pick which element I liked best. The plotting is excellent, Joey's character arc fits perfectly, and the characterizations are deft. I think I'll pick Joey's character arc, however, as my favorite.

Opening
Your opening does a great job establishing the basic conflict of the story, Joey's intitial character, and exposing his opportunities for growth. It answers the the who/what/when/where/why questions, and thus orients the reader.

I made one minor suggestion in the line-by-line remarks about establishin the point of view (Joey) in the opening sentences, but that's a trivial tweak, assuming you agree with it.

Plot
There are two plots masterfully woven together. There's Joey's character arc, from pranking, sullen adolescent to a caring and dedicated young man. Then there's the vile Anthony. You do a great job establishin his character as well, and in setting up and foreshadowing the eventual conflict. Excellent work here.

Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Joey's head. Two minor slips noted in the line-by-line comments. The sort-of info-dump where you narrate Joey's budding relationship with the residents instead of showing it is the only really significant one.

Scene/Setting
Lots of little details establish Joey inside the residence. I especially liked the addition of scents when he first arrived.

Characters
Joey, good. Anthony, bad. Excellent characterization throughout.

Grammar
No complaints here. I think I found one place to whine about adverbs, but that's it.

Just my personal opinion
This is a *realy* fine story. I enjoyed it from start to finish. The foreshadowing was just right, using the rule of three (two times to establisht he pattern, the third for the payoff when Joey sees Anthony stealing). The two plots fit together perfectly. Excellent craft throughout. Nicely done!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

"Mom, do I have to? What will all my friends say?" Joey wailed.My Comment: It’s generally inadvisable to open with a disembodied voice speaking—in particular, we don’t know who is *hearing* the speech, i.e., we don’t know the point of view for the story.

If you started with the third paragraph—where Joe is squirming, scrunching down, and hoping done of his friends can see his humiliation—you establish him as the POV character. Then you can have him whine to his Mother. We know why he’s whining, that the POV character is speaking, and that his mother is reacting.

shuffled slowly behind her down the hallway.My Comment: You know I’m adverb-phobic, right? In this case, shuffle implies “slow,” so the adverb is just a little speed bump that adds nothing.

Anthony turned around, stuffing something inside his hoodie pocket. My Comment: ears perk up…doubtless this is foreshadowing…nice!

Joey felt himself burning red My Comment: Phrases like “Joey felt…” are a subtle form of telling. It’s generally more intimate and immediate for readers if you describe the sensation directly. If you want to emphasize he ”felt” it, you can always have him react in some way.

"You're just jealous that I'm the one with a bright future." Anthony pushed past him and headed down the hall to the next patient, leaving Joey fuming helplessly.My Comment: You’ve done a great job establishing Anthony’s character—or lack of it—in this little sequence.

As the days passed,My Comment: Beware of repeated words and phrases which run the risk of making your prose feel monotone. Here, the word “days” appears three times in as many lines.

Joey found himself enjoying his work at the nursing home. My Comment: This starts of couple of paragraphs that narrate how Joey began to enjoy interacting with some of the people at the home. I think this would be stronger if you included interactions in the here-and-now of the story to illustrate this. In particular, you might show him interacting with Mrs Salisbury, and they might chuckle over the foibles of some of the other residents—all in a good way, of course. This would better establish Joey as a “good guy,” just as the real-time interactions with Anthony establish him as the villain. It also gives potential to add more foreshadowing by mentioning Mrs Salisbury’s meds.

Joey's face reddened My Comment: He can’t see his face, so this is a tiny POV violation. Maybe consider “heated” instead of “reddened,” since he can feel the heat.

Something clicked in Joey's mind as he glanced from the old lady to her prescriptions on the nightstand. It made him shudder.My Comment: another bit of foreshadowing…the payoff must be coming soon.

Anthony as he stood over her nightstand, shelling out pills into a ziplock bag.My Comment: and here it is!

They didn't notice the door burst open.My Comment: Here, the author intrudes to state a fact. Notice, since they “didn’t notice,” Joey in particular didn’t notice. If he didn’t see it, it’s a POV violation to state it. Instead, if he’s surprised when Rhonda speaks, then you stay in his POV while revealing he didn't see her come in.

Joey and Rhonda were sitting in her office. Joey blushed and sank a little lower in his seat.My Comment: I’d consider putting this bit of staging ahead of anyone speaking, thus orienting the readers in time and space.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

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Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#4721973

Review of Tools of the Trade

Review by

In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Tools of the Trade"

by Amethyst Angel 🌼

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
This is a really excellent story. The tension just sizzles.

Jason is menacing, both in appearance and demeanor. The atmosphere of the Race King and the various customers contributes to the sense of impending disaster. Well plotted, and wih an uplifting ending. Nicely done!!

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening starts with the inciting incident, but I wonder if you could make it a bit more active, and maybe do a better job of putting us in Leah's head. water She might smell the water boiling in the radiator, for example--it's a distinctive musky odor. Having her sense something--smell, tasted, touch--is a good technique. Maybe he scar on her arm twinges, to add a bit to her motivation that she's fleeing bad memories. Maybe have her think something descriptive about "the Georgia town."

The story really picks up when she sees the argument, then the box cutter. I'd consider getting there more quickly. From that point, I couldn't take my eyes off the page.

Plot
Leah is on the road, moving, and her car breaks down. Her goals are clear: get the car fixed and get out there! The goals of the other two characters, Eli and Justin, are less clear, but there is conflict between them. Justin is threatening in both demeanor and appearance, while Eli, while secretive, appears innocent. More importantly, he's helpful and works on Leah's car.

Hook
The menace that starts with box cutters is the hook for this story. Everything that happens from that point forward just cranks the menace--and hence the tension--higher. Excellent writing here!

Style and Voice
First person, in Leah's head. No slips. She's a sympathetic character and readers will cheer for her.

Referencing
Lots of details about the Race King and its clientele that contribute to the sense of menace.

I'm unfamiliar with songs, but the lyrics clearly contribute to the menace. However, if you intend to publish the story, you will almost certainly have to delete them due to copyright issues. The title is OK, just not the lyrics. I imagine it's just me being out of touch that I don't recognize the songs. I would have picked somethign by Metalica or Billy Idol, which hopelessly dates me.

Characters
Jason is surely scary. In fact, he turns out to be not such a bad guy after all. In retrospect, he probably hung around outside to keep an eye on Eli. Perhaps Leah could realize this? Also, I'm not sure why he told Leah she had to leave when she most clearly could not. That almost felt like overkill.

Grammar

Comma Splices.

I don't read for grammar, but usually find somehing to whine about. Not here.I should wrie such clean copy.

I did see one or two typos, noted in he line-by-line remarks below.

Just my personal opinion
Thank you for sharing. This is an excellent story, full of tension, masterful foreshadowing, and--incredibly--a HEA ending!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

I don't really have anything consequential for you here...just a few minor reactions as I was reading.

and said aloud,My Comment: How else would she say something? Maybe she murmurs it? Or tips an eyebrow at the speakers?

I sat quietly by my van My Comment: The first place I couldn’t quite picture where she was. Is she sitting on he curb? Or on those stools again? Or just sitting with her legs criss-crossed on the pavement? Not that it matters, but it was a tiny blip for me.

I stared at Eli's big red metal tool chest.My Comment: “big” is one of those non-specific adjectives that don’t give scale. I’d consider leaving it out, or maybe use a word like “ginormous” which would more or reinforce character.

I picked out some of them and saw a bag of white powder underneath. Wait, what?My Comment:Nice twist, and nicely foreshadowed. Eli’s reticence about the fight with Jason and his sudden warning about the toolbox are excellent foreshadowing.

you try to blackmail your bossMy Comment: You TRIED to blackmail, right?

I felt the tension in his musclesMy Comment: I’d consider something like “The muscles in his arm tensed under my hand…” “I felt” is a subtle form of telling. It’s better to describe directly what she felt.

"I—I'm really sorry. I've let everyone down… my Mom will be so disappointed in me."My Comment: I’d consider a dialogue tag precede this…some like “Eli couldn’t meet our gaze.” Or “Eli shuffled his feet.” Make it clear who is speaking, since just the exchange just prior was Leah and Jason.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

19

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4721136

Review of Devil Doesn't Bargain

Review by

In affiliation with Crosstimbers Author Consortium

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Devil Doesn't Bargain"

by Amethyst Angel 🌼

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I enjoyed this little vampire-with-a-happy twist story. I especially liked the Poe reference!

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening starts with several paragraphs of narrated background. This background is surely important to the story, but it's narrated as opposed to told. The actual action of the story doesn't begin until he's roaming the castle.

So here's what you might consider. Start with him in the castle doing something--maybe sinking his fangs into a foul-smelling rat and draining its blood. That establishes that he's a vampire. A touch of setting would put him in a castle. He might hide the blood when a villager chances by. He could think her blood would be ever so tasty, but rejects drinking it because she's known for her good deeds. Or even specific good deeds, like caring for orphans or running the local soup kitchen. Oh, and twist of her hair or the color of her eyes might remind him of the long-lost Lenore, starting to establish the love-lost-then-found plot.

In any case, that kind of sequence would establish his good-guy credentials. Whatever you might do, the idea is to reveal the essential information in the opening paragraphs through his actions, as opposed to him telling us stuff.

Readers need to be inside the fictional world as soon as possible, and the most effective way to do that is to put them in the head of your POV character, and then put that character in motion, interacting with other characters and elements of the fictional world. Showing interactions that also reveal details essential to the plot is what makes an effective opening.

Plot
Loved the plot! It's really a love story. Vampire finds girl. Vampire loses girl. Vampire gets girl back. An original variation on a classic theme!

Hook
In this case, the hook is getting the reader into the story. Your opening does this, but it's narrated which keeps the readers outside the story (ongoing events in the here-and-now), which is why I made the above suggestions.

Style and Voice
First person, in Alex's head. No slips. He's likable enough, for a vampire.

Referencing
Lots of little details about Alex's life nicely folded into the narrative.

Scene/Setting
Nicely done. Usually I want a touch more, and I did find a minor thing to comment on in the line-by-line, but overall nicely done.

Characters
Alex. Lenore. Fido. Lenore's husband makes a brief appearance, enough to make him loathsome. Good job with all three, although Fido transformed from annoying pest to cute furball as I read the story.

Grammar

Comma Splices.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but I found one place to complain about. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I loved this story. It's got a creative take on a classic plot. Alex is a relatable character and readers will cheer for him. It's got a positive twist at the end, which is another touch, despite my personal tendency to always go to the dark side.

I've got a few tweaks to suggest, mostly about the opening, but this is an excellent story. Keep them coming my way! I enjoy reading your work.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

It was a dark and stormy night—no, really, it was. Pouring rain and mighty thunder shook the rafters as I wandered the hollow halls of my castle, lined with flickering gas lamps.My Comment: This is where the story starts.

I could have dated my sweetheart, Lenore. My Comment: Love the reference to Poe!!!

You might consider him having some token that he’s preserved to help remember her. A photo, perhaps, or a scarf where her sweet scent still lingers. That would make the transition to her memory a bit more organic to the events transpiring as he roams his castle.

"Now it's your turn, Lenore."My Comment: He says this after he’s told her his story, right? But the transition isn’t quite clear. Maybe if you added, “When I finished my tale of woe, I asked,…” just for clarity.

Why are you out here at night?"My Comment: When he arrived, you did mention moonlight so in theory readers know it’s night. But readers are inattentive creatures. For example, me. When I read this sentence, I thought, “What? It’s night?” Perhaps you’d help the memory-impaired like me by threading a few more mentions of the dark of night into the intervening paragraphs. He could even wonder when he first sees her what she’s doing in garden in the middle of the night.

"I'm quite happy, thankyou."My Comment: Truthfully, at this point I thought she perhaps was a werewolf, and her little dog, too. (to paraphrase the Wicked Witch.) Thus, I was kind of expecting poor Alex to meet an unhappy fate. But then I always go for the dark twists.

Later you describe Fido as “cute,” but here he’s kind of an annoying little creature yapping at him. I pictured a chihuahua. Maybe if you referred to him as a puffball and gave him a name like Fluffy he’d be more credible as the cute doggie he turns out to be.

I heard a man shouting angrily My Comment: You know I’m adverb phobic, right? In this case, “shouting” kind of implies “angrily.” If you used “raging,” you’d combine the two into a single, more precise verb.

Secondly, phrases like “I heard” are a subtle form of telling. We’re clearly in Alex’s head, so everything on the page is something he’s seen, heard, or otherwise sensed. It’s more immediate and intimate for the readers if you just describe directly what he heard. They will infer that he “heard” it since they’re already in his head.

To emphasize he heard it, you can always have him react in some way. His face might heat, for example, or he might part the bushes to get a better view, after which you could describe the man holding the knife (without an “I saw,” of course)

over the whimpering of a dog.My Comment: Now I’m picturing poor Fido, tail between his legs and cowering, as being a pathetic little fluffball. This bit deserves a bit more description, showing Alex sympathizing with Fido and adding to his good-guy credentials.

Being undead didn't mean I couldn't feel any pain.My Comment: Story stops while the narrator—Alex—intrudes to state a fact. You could establish this earlier by having him stub his toe or something while he’s wandering the castle, then here describe directly the agony he’s feeling.

Those irises were the start of a splendid moon garden on our castle grounds. My undead life became a dark paradise, with my precious loved one at my side and Fido our loyal guardian, evermore.My Comment: You might end with Alex and Lenore walking through the irises on a clear moonlit night, smelling the sweet scent of the flowers and holding hands. The idea is a kind of anti-symmetry with where the story starts, namely Alex walking the same garden on a dark and stormy night. Readers won’t consciously notice this kind of anti-symmetry, but it could add to the sense of closure and emphasize the change in Alex that’s happened during the course of the story.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

20

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4718060

Review of Grandma in Costa Rica

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "Invalid Item"

by A Guest Visitor
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I've done a lot of overseas travel and could really identify with narrator's experiences dealing with a new culture, a strange language, and unknown terrain. You did an awesome job showing your character's confusion and reslilience in responding the challenges she faces. (At least I think the narrator is female--see below.)

Opening paragraph.
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

An opening needs to answer the who/what/when/where/why questions in order to orient the reader in time and space. Your opening does a good job with all of these. We meet our first person narrator, know where the action is taking place and why it's happening.

As I implied above, though, I'm not certain of the narrator's gender. In addition, knowing the narrator's name would help draw readers into her (his?) head, and thus into the fictional world.

Finally, the first three paragraphs are narrated background. The action starts in paragraph four as the narrator disembarks from the plane. Generally, it's almost always stronger to start with action, in media res, or "in the middle of things."

For example, you might consider showing her arrival at the airport. A flight attendandant might address her by name, resolving the gender and name issue up front. They might have a conversation about her Grandmother, or she might puzzle at the Spanish signs while trudging to the baggage claim. Things like this would help put the readers in her head and in the moment. Along the way, you could reveal the information that's narrated in the first three paragraphs. Perhaps her legs were unsteady after her first-ever flight (which would tell us she's "not one to travel.") The air might be muggy, contrasting with the "balmy warmth" described in her Grandmother's emails. Those little bits would show--rather than tell--the details in the first three paragraphs.

Setting.
This contests specifies a regional setting. Per the guidelines, the setting must be a prominent feature of the genre. I'll be looking at how the story shows the details of the setting and how it fits with the other story elements.

We got a few details about the cultural setting through her interactions with the hotel staff--I loved these cultural bits about the setting!

Later, there's the stick shift car and the experience driving in a strange country. Having had similar experiences in Germany (where I mistook Einbanstrasse for a street name), I again found these parts of the story delightful.

Of course, the trip through the mountains is the main physical locale featured in the story, but even here you added cultural elements with the hitch-hikers. The physical descriptions were nicely done, using subjective descriptions and staying inside the narrator's head.

Characters.
Stories are ultimately about characters and their interactions with each other and their world. A memorable character almost always has three attributes. First, the character has a goal. Second, the goal matters--that's the stakes. Finally, something or someone stands in the way of achieving the goal--that's the obstacle. These three work together to create tension, which is the engine that propels your story. They give rise the character arc and often the plot.

Our narrator has a goal--to visit her grandmother. The goal clearly matters since she's "not one to travel" but here she is in Costa Rica. The culutural, automotive, and physical barriers combine to form obstacles (and assistants) as she strives for her goal. At the end, she gets there, providing closure to her story. Along the way, she learned valuable lessons about differences in cultures and values.

Point of view.
First person, no slips noted.

Effective showing as opposed to telling.

One of the temptations with first person narration is to fall into telling the reader things as opposed to showing. I noted above how the opening paragraphs did this. There are a few other places in the narrative where I felt it fell into telling us things, but for the most part you did a good job of keeping the reader inside the narrator's head as she experiences Costa Rica, its people, and its physical beauty. Nice job!

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

21

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4718057

Review of Mammoth

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "Mammoth"

by K. Ray

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
The opening paragraph was awesome! You used tactile sensations, smell, sight, and internal sensations to draw us into Joey's head and into the cave.

Opening paragraph.
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Certainly this is an excellent opening. We meet Joey and the cave he loves. We know he's returning, and can infer exploration and re-visiting familiar places are at least parts of his goal.

Setting.
This contests specifies a regional setting. Per the guidelines, the setting must be a prominent feature of the genre. I'll be looking at how the story shows the details of the setting and how it fits with the other story elements.

From the opening paragraph, we're inside the cave. We later learn that there's been a fire outside the cave, and that it must have served as refuge for wildlife fleeing the flames. The cool, damp feeling of the cave comes through clearly.

Characters.
Stories are ultimately about characters and their interactions with each other and their world. A memorable character almost always has three attributes. First, the character has a goal. Second, the goal matters--that's the stakes. Finally, something or someone stands in the way of achieving the goal--that's the obstacle. These three work together to create tension, which is the engine that propels your story. They give rise the character arc and often the plot.

Joey seems to pay homage to the cave he loves with the note that he writes in his journal, so this must have been his goal. Returning to the cave and communing with nature are certainly laudable goals, and provide a satisfying sense for the ending of the story--albeit, without much tension along the way.

I liked this little reverie, but missed a sense of plot or character arc. There's no lesson Joey needs to learn, no obstacle he needs to overcome, no goal pushing him forward. It's more like a gentle paean to the cave than a plot where characters strive against and overcome obstacles and, in the process, grow. There's nothing wrong with this kind of story--especially one as short as this one--but perhaps Joey was on an emotional journey as he passed through the cavern and, in writing in his journal, completed that journey? If so, a sense of tension could arise from his emotional state going from unsettled and lost to at peace and grounded as he writes might add a psychological or emotional jourrney for which his physical journey could be a metaphor. Just a thought...

Point of view.
In JOey's head, from the first sentence. Good job!

Effective showing as opposed to telling.

The descriptions of the cave arise naturally as Joey makes his way through the darkness. We encounter this underground world through his words, deeds, and sensations. Good job!

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

22

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4718056

Review of New Zealand Pioneers

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "New Zealand Pioneers"

by H❀pe

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I loved learning about the early settlements in New Zealand and Hugh and Adela's life at Tauranga harbour. These are real people, who lived, struggled, and surmounted hardships to live successful lives. Adela even wrote a memoir and thus a record of thier lives. This story summarizes that account.

Opening paragraph.
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

This story uses framing paragraphs at the start and ending to provide context to the story. The framing paragraphs also establish the omniscient narrator who relates the events. Thus, the narrative style is more that of a review of Adela's book than a more "conventional" story about fictional characters--we even get footnotes!

Because of the narrative framing, this story has a quaint, almost nineteenth century feel to it, a time when omniscient narrattors dominated fiction. This fits nicely with the era, along with other elements of the narrative style in the piece.

Setting.
This contests specifies a regional setting. Per the guidelines, the setting must be a prominent feature of the genre. I'll be looking at how the story shows the details of the setting and how it fits with the other story elements.

Here, the setting is the harbor where the couple settles, its flora and fauna, and the natives that they encounter. It's also the cutlural mileau from which they came, and how they adjusted to their new home. So we get a comprehensive view of the setting that goes beyond the birds and the trees and includes the people and the era. Nice job!

Characters.
Stories are ultimately about characters and their interactions with each other and their world. A memorable character almost always has three attributes. First, the character has a goal. Second, the goal matters--that's the stakes. Finally, something or someone stands in the way of achieving the goal--that's the obstacle. These three work together to create tension, which is the engine that propels your story. They give rise the character arc and often the plot.

Hugh and Adela travelled thousands of miles to create a new homestead for themselves and their progeny. They surmounted the obstacles of the frontier, the poor soil, and the strange plants. They survived privation and even exploitation by fellow settlers, nicely shown with the scandolous price of one lemon and Adela's response. They took advantage of opportunities that came their way, including a volcanic eruption that left their farm more productive.

Eventually, they retired back to Ireland where Adela wrote her memoir. She died before she could return to the village in New Zealand where she was honored as one of the founders. Her character arc matches the arc of the plot, including the fact that she's still remembered.

Point of view.
Omniscient narration.

Effective showing as opposed to telling.
Given the nature of the piece, most of the details are related through narration rather than through the words and deeds of the characters. Except for the incident with the lemon tree, we don't hear the characters speak or see them in action--instead we learn what they did through narrated summaries. That's implicit in the style of the piece which, as noted, is appropriate to the era in which Adela and Hugh lived.

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

23

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4718055

Review of Across the County Line

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "Across the County Line"

by Amethyst Angel 🌼

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I've already reviewed this piece in another setting, so you know that I liked it. The characters are especially engaging, and they are fun to follow. The plot and character arcs fit together nicely, so this was an enjoyable read.

Opening paragraph.
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

The opening paragraphs establish character goals and answer the who/what/when/where questions. As I remarked in my prior review, I'd recommend starting with June doing or sensing something as opposed to a disembodied voice speaking, but that's a minor quibble.

Setting.
This contests specifies a regional setting. Per the guidelines, the setting must be a prominent feature of the genre. I'll be looking at how the story shows the details of the setting and how it fits with the other story elements.

The little town of Winchester, it's inhabitants, and the cluttered general store are all integral parts of the setting and the story. As June and Elsie meander through the store looking for clues, we learn about the place through their words and deeds--perfect showing!

Characters.
Stories are ultimately about characters and their interactions with each other and their world. A memorable character almost always has three attributes. First, the character has a goal. Second, the goal matters--that's the stakes. Finally, something or someone stands in the way of achieving the goal--that's the obstacle. These three work together to create tension, which is the engine that propels your story. They give rise the character arc and often the plot.

Elsie's goals, stakes, and obstacles are clear. June's turn out to be clear by the end, but hinting at them earlier--as in the opening paragraphs--would make her character arc better sync with the story's plot--again, as I noted in my earlier review.

Overall, though, the character's goals, stakes, and obstacles fit nicely with the overt plot of the story, so good job!

Point of view.

Third person limited, in June's head. No slips.

Effective showing as opposed to telling.
Excellent work here!!!

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4718054

Review of A day at the beach

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "A day at the beach"

by LightinMind

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best

Opening paragraph.
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Setting.
This contests specifies a regional setting. Per the guidelines, the setting must be a prominent feature of the genre. I'll be looking at how the story shows the details of the setting and how it fits with the other story elements.

From the first paragraph, you enmesh the reader inside the setting and inside Sean's head. This is great writing, and highly effective.

Characters.
Stories are ultimately about characters and their interactions with each other and their world. A memorable character almost always has three attributes. First, the character has a goal. Second, the goal matters--that's the stakes. Finally, something or someone stands in the way of achieving the goal--that's the obstacle. These three work together to create tension, which is the engine that propels your story. They give rise the character arc and often the plot.

Initialy, Sean's goal appears to relate to the challenges and the ecstasy of the surf. There's a small suggestion of loneliness, and a mention of the scars on his back, but his original goals appear centered on surfing.

We first get a hint of Sean's estrangement from his brother 800 words in, roughly 40% of the way through the story. This gives the first clue about Sean's deeper goals, which are made explicit nearly 700 words later. From that point forward, the story becomes about the reconciliation of the two brothers and making their relationship whole again.

This gives two arcs to the story--the surfing arc and the relationship arc. In principle, they reinforce each other. Your wonderful descriptions of the setting in retrospect reflect each arc--the tinge of loneliness, for example, comes through in his lack of interaction with other people on the beach. He's just a spectator, only interacting with the waves. The waves, of course, are a great metaphor for the relationship part of the story. They are relentless, washing over his solitude as well as the sands.

My point with all this is that two story arcs--the surfing and reconciliation--fit together nicely. However, they wind up feeling like this is two stories because it takes so long for Sean to think about his brother at all. I think the story would be stronger if you moved the initial reference to his brother to an earlier point in the story--into the first paragraph if at all possible. When he first spots the couple on the beach--the man applying lotion to the woman--he might even look twice, recalling times with his brother. The idea would be to insert the idea of his brother's absence early in the story as an element of Sean's emotional state.

The basic elements of Sean's estrangement from others is already in the opening paragraphs, but it's a subtle form of generic loneliness. Instead of being subtext--and easy for the readers to miss--I think it would have more power if it were more specific. In particular, I think it would better unify the two arcs, which almost feel like separate stories right now.

This is a really good story, with great descriptions. The beach, the waves, the other people, are come through via Sean's words, deeds, and thoughts. You use active verbs and subjective descriptions to good effect to keep us in Sean's head even as you describe the setting. By the end, the two story arcs fit together nicely, with the surfing arc a metaphor for the relationship arc.

Thanks for sharing. I love the beach, but I'm not a surfer. You brought the joy of being in the moment with the waves to life. I loved these parts of the story because they brought to life a new experience for me. The story shows deliberate use of craft to achieve its effects. You're a talented author, and this work shows it.

Point of view.

Third person limited, in Sean's head. You even deploy free indirect discours, something that's hard to do!

Effective showing as opposed to telling.

Not a trace of telling here--we get lots of information about the beach, the surf, and Sean's background, but all of it comes in a natural way, either as things Sean senses or as things he might reasonably be thinking or feeling. More good craft on display.

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

25

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4718049

Review of The Creators at the Pleasure Paradise

Review by

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi. My name is Max. I'm writing as one of the official judges for the "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"

.

Item Reviewed: "The Creators at the Pleasure Paradise"

by PureSciFi

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Please remember, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I love science fiction, especially when it takes me to new worlds with new species. This story does both.

Plot.
Pleasure Paradise will soon open, and the Creators are busy with the finishing touches and with booking tourists. But some of the Creators are disaappearing. Is it a conspiracy by the Keassams, who don't want the resort to open? Or is it something more pernicious?

At least, after three readings, I think that's the plot.

I can tell that you have a complicated fictional organization, with its own internal politics and external obstacles. You've got a gruesome monster created for the sole purpose of bringing death. You've got the urgency of an imminent opening, an incomplete project, and the mystery of essential staff disappearing. These elements can all combine to give a tension-filled story.

I can tell that you've got these tension-filled elements clear in your head. But, at least for me, they didn't jump off the page. Readers, even the most attentive and sympathetic readers, need to be hit over the head with the basic elements. I really wanted to enjoy this story on first reading, but couldn't figure it out. It took three readings to get the elements and players clear in my head--and, unliike many readers--I was paying attention as I read.

Just for example, it finally dawned on me on the third reading that the first two paragraphs were in Jullan's head as the fluid consumed and killed him. If you had *named* him in those paragraphs, the connection with dialogue where the Keassam Creators are looking for Jullan would have been clear. That's the kind relatively simple thing that could help this along.

For another example, in the second segment where the Creators are talking about commitments, I imagined that this dealt with contracts-for-services off-world rather than bookings at the still-incomplete Pleasure Paradise. A few simple words would also clarify this kind of understanding.

When I first started writing fiction, I had these kinds of omissions all the time. I still have them, in fact, so I'm sympathetic. One of my best and most valued mentors was relentless in pointing them out. He wanted to like my stories, he'd say, but my lack of clarity held him back. I kind of feel the same way about this, especially now that I think I understand it. This should be an awesome story, full of mystery, tension and--ultimately--frustration. A touch more clearity here and there would help a lot.

Setting.
This contests specifies a regional setting. Per the guidelines, the setting must be a prominent feature of the genre. I'll be looking at how the story shows the details of the setting and how it fits with the other story elements.

This story has an non-terrestial and futuristic setting, with its own unique culture and actors--this is what constitutes a "regional setting" for this particular genre of SciFi. The setting certainly is integral to the plot and thus conforms to the contest guidelines.

Characters.
Stories are ultimately about characters and their interactions with each other and their world. A memorable character almost always has three attributes. First, the character has a goal. Second, the goal matters--that's the stakes. Finally, something or someone stands in the way of achieving the goal--that's the obstacle. These three work together to create tension, which is the engine that propels your story. They give rise the character arc and often the plot.

The Creators have a goal--the opening of the Pleasure Paradise. The goal clearly matters to them, although the stakes could be better established. The main obstacle is the disappearance of Creators. Initially they think an opposition group (within the Keassams?) is persuading Creators to quit, but it quickly becomes evident that it's a Deathbringer. This makes the opposition life-and-death, which certainly clarifies and escalates the stakes.

This escalation of stakes also escalates the tension. Tension is the engine that drives your plot, and hence your story. In overcoming the Deathbringer, the Creators resolve the deadly threat, but at the expense of their initial goal.

Point of view.

This story uses an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, relating events and knowing the internal thoughts and sensations of all the characters.

One suggestion I do have is to watch out for over-using certain words and phrases, which can make your prose seem monotome. For example, the word "look" (or variations like "looked" and "looking") appears 28 times in the story.

Effective showing as opposed to telling.

For the most part, we learn about things through the words and deeds of the characters which is the most fundamental element of showing as opposed to telling, so good job on that.

That's it! Remember, good or bad, these are just one person's opinion. Writing a story--any story--is challenging creative work. I commend you for your success and urge you to continue! Thank you for sharing your creativity.

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .