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Review Requests: OFF
277 Public Reviews Given
280 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I always try to send detailed reviews with as much information as possible. If I enjoy something in your piece I will tell you AND explain why I enjoyed it and what effect I think it has on the reader. Likewise if I see something that could be improved I will point it out and explain my reasoning and possible solutions to the issue. I like to focus on plot, character, and the more creative areas of writing, but I do look at grammar, too.
I'm good at...
Characterisation. Plot development. Pacing. Flow. Understanding.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, sci-fi, horror, science/tech
Least Favorite Genres
Erotic, romance, family, self-help, religious, spiritual, anything that cannot be reviewed properly (i.e., really personal pieces)
Favorite Item Types
Statics: short stories, poetry, articles (about writing, fantasy, sci-fi, science or tech) Items under 3000 words
Least Favorite Item Types
Images, long form. Anything over 3000 words
I will not review...
Anything over 3000 words unless I already know the writer. I don't want to read any personal pieces where a detailed review would be inappropriate (so no eulogy/obituries, personal accounts of illness, how you found religion, etc...)
Public Reviews
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1
1
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi there Whata SpoonStealer Author IconMail Icon

I am reviewing you today on behalf of House Targaryen in "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window.. You may have noticed this little activity around the site, or not - it is quite well hidden...

I specifically chose to review you as you have participated in WdC Live. On that front, don't worry, I know I still need to send the GPs out. I'm just ... well I have no excuse. Soon. I promise. Probably. You won by the way. Just in case you wanted to know!


This is a brilliant idea for a contest. It is exactly the kind of thing I wanted to produce, but didn't. I really enjoy reading and writing about controversial subjects, especially religion (of which I have none) and science (of which I (almost) have a degree). Of course, I wouldn't class science itself as a controversy as science is simply the discovery of facts and universal truth (maybe 'simply' is the wrong word). That said, there are many topics within science which are controversial, so I totally understand why it is a topic here.


The layout of the contest page is strong and powerful. The 4 controversies are clearly introduced.

The only thing I found slightly unclear was regarding ratings. The contest has an 18+ rating. Is this the maximum rating for entries? I saw an XGC entry, but couldn't find a rule that allowed/disallowed this.


I am aware that by saying how interested I am in the contest that you will now be expecting me to enter. To be fair, I expect myself to enter, but I have a habit of failing to meet simple expectations like this. Keep an eye out for an entry from me, but please don't hold your breath as I would hate for you to suffocate *Sick*


Write On!

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Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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Fantasy and Science Fiction Society Open in new Window. [E]
For Fantasy and Science Fiction authors. Open to all applications. come in and learn
by David the Dark one! Author Icon

"Thrice PromptedOpen in new Window.
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2
2
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Than Pence Author IconMail Icon

I am reviewing your short story The River or the Gorge as part of the Game of Thrones event currently bombarding WdC. I don't believe we've made acquaintance before, so let me tell you that this story was a wonderful way to meet you.


The story starts off as a standard story set an unknown number of years in the future. Lidia, a young girl, is scared of the what she must do and doesn't want to leave her mother. We don't know what the River is other than a resistance movement (perhaps fighting against the Gorge). For a short story we don't need to know more than this, but it could easily be a prologue to a longer story.

The language flows well throughout the piece and I never find myself struggling to follow. The twist at the end works well and doesn't contradict the rest of the story. The circular nature of what is going on seemed a bit Terminator-like, but obviously this version was more subtle and had less killer robot-people!


There were only a few points n the story I think need fixing:

Cadence watery eyes turn resolute


Cadence should be possessive here - Cadence's


This river will take you to the River and you'll all be safe


As a reader I can see the distinction between river and River, but how clear would this be in real life speech? I'm not sure people would say this.


Overall a really lovely piece with great use of language. The present tense added a magical sense to the story and the twist at the end was unexpected and effective.


Write On!


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Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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Fantasy and Science Fiction Society Open in new Window. [E]
For Fantasy and Science Fiction authors. Open to all applications. come in and learn
by David the Dark one! Author Icon

"Thrice PromptedOpen in new Window.
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
3
3
Review of Ripe Oblivion  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi ♥noVember tHiNg♥ Author IconMail Icon


You may have heard of a little thing called "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window.. I am here battling on behalf of House Targaryen. You and your poem has been caught in the crossfire!


Ripe Oblivion is a visually striking poem. The hourglass shape represents time, which is a theme in this poem. I enjoyed the blend of the fantastical nature of the image with the real world. It is as if this fallen angel is trying to live a normal life on Earth and struggling to find sense in it. Of course all the non angels living on Earth also struggle to find sense in life, so it is no wonder someone not from the planet would find it difficult!

I love the first line. 'Ripe oblivion' is such a strong phrase that truly sets the tone for the piece. By the third line you have shifted from a dark fantasy style poem to a more real setting of a train and then a Motel. Despite this quick shift in language in works well and doesn't jerk the reader.

I loved the simile of living like a bad smell.

The only part of the poem I wasn't a fan of was the start of the second stanza: Dawn / cloudy / awakens! - I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be thinking/feeling/seeing at this point. Is it just a quick list, or is it supposed to be a full sentence that I'm not understanding?

The remainder of the poem is great, especially the last line which ties the words to the visual structure of the poem.


Overall, a striking poem with a great visual.

Write On!


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Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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Fantasy and Science Fiction Society Open in new Window. [E]
For Fantasy and Science Fiction authors. Open to all applications. come in and learn
by David the Dark one! Author Icon

"Thrice PromptedOpen in new Window.
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
4
4
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Patrece ~ Author IconMail Icon

I am reviewing your poem as part of the Game of Thrones activity currently taking place on the battle ground that is WdC.


I know this is an old poem, but the title drew me in and I had to read it! The words you were given in the contest were weird and varied and I think you have done a great job with them.

Overall, I thought the poem was good.

Stanza 1
The first line is good and sets the tone and topic of the poem.

Line 2 I thought was grammatically incorrect. I think 'But I needed something light.' would have worked better.

I think line 3 is good, but I would have gone with 'So I opted for a tuna melt,' and ended the second line with a comma.

The fourth line doesn't sound quite right to me. I'm not sure what it is, but it doesn't flow as well as the rest of the poem.


Stanza 2
Best line of the poem. I can't think of anyways to improve it!


Stanza 3
I thought the second line didn't flow that well. Again, not sure how to improve it (I'm not a poet), but wanted to point it out.
The fourth line needed dialogue marks: Said, 'be good, you'll get a treat.'


Stanza 4
Overall a good stanza. The fourth line didn't quite make sense. I know what you're trying to say, but it isn't the best way of writing it. I'm struggling to rewrite it in a way that makes poetic sense, so you may have the best possibility already!


Stanza 5
I can't think of any improvements. Strong stanza.


Stanza 6
Brilliant end to the poem. There is a rogue fullstop after the exclamation mark at the very end. I love the last line! I think the last two lines are my favourite lines in the poem.


Overall a fun poem!


Write On!


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Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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Fantasy and Science Fiction Society Open in new Window. [E]
For Fantasy and Science Fiction authors. Open to all applications. come in and learn
by David the Dark one! Author Icon

"Thrice PromptedOpen in new Window.
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
5
5
Review of Remnants  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon Author IconMail Icon

I am reviewing your Short Shots entry as part of the Game of Thrones activity currently engulfing writing.com.

I loved this vignette. I say vignette as I'm not sure this would constitute a story as there isn't any plot per se, more an exploration of a theme. There is nothing wrong with writing like this, but I wanted to be clear on my reasoning for calling it a vignette.

One thing this piece does particularly well is combine references to the past with the present (of this story). For example the opening scene has Sarah pour Koffee whilst also thinking about the past and referencing old slogans. The slogan referenced is from the 1930s, but I guess it still holds relevance in the early 21st century (as a chemist, I'm rather fond of the slogan).

By showing that Sarah doesn't know what real coffee tastes like, the reader instantly knows this is set in the future, likely after some near-apocalyptic event.

The second paragraph is a fantastic way of describing the character. It's not subtle, but it shows that the change happened in her lifetime.

I felt the reference about leaders who refuse to cooperate resonates with the current state of the EU with the UK having voted to leave. Who knows what this will lead to, but it is possible that without the support of the EU, the UK is going to struggle to help get any strong climate initiatives off the ground in Europe. Of course the opposite could be true. Without the EU's bureaucracy the UK may make real progress in sustainability and become a template for European countries to follow. Who knows?

I enjoyed the interactions between Sarah and her son. The world may be broken, but family will always be a strong tie for people.


There were two little mistakes I spotted. 'The Silent Spring' should be italicised: The Silent Spring.

I think 'she said, pulling him close protectively.' would read better as 'she said, protectively pulling him close/closer'. The adverb seems a bit out of place at the end of the sentence.


Overall a great piece.


Write On!

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Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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Fantasy and Science Fiction Society Open in new Window. [E]
For Fantasy and Science Fiction authors. Open to all applications. come in and learn
by David the Dark one! Author Icon

"Thrice PromptedOpen in new Window.
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
6
6
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi GERVIC Author IconMail Icon


I am reviewing this piece as part of the Game of Thrones activity.

On the Day Our Worlds Collide is a lovely title. It sets the tone for the piece, clearly identifying it as a passionate love poem, potentially about two people separated but coming together.

The first thing I noticed was that the poem is actually a Rondeau according to the description in the link you provided. It should be 3 stanzas of 5, 4 and 6 lines. Your last stanza is only 5 lines long. This isn't a big deal to the enjoyment of the poem, but it is worth noting anyway.

I really enjoyed the fire metaphor used throughout. This consistency ensured the piece felt cohesive and unified, but didn't get repetitive or tiresome as you did not over use it.

I am not an expert in poetry, and don't read that much of it, so my next comments might just be my ignorance shining through, so feel free to disregard. I felt there was a disconnect between some of the lines. It is possibly due to the lack of punctuation at the end of the lines, but I was a bit confused in places.

For instance:

A thought of you -- a soft caress
I love you, oh I confess


Is 'caress' the end of a sentence/line-of-thought and 'I love you' a new sentence? The same for the fist two lines of the second and third stanza.

I am a proponent of fully punctuating poetry for clarity, but I understand stylistically this isn't always the preferred option.

Overall a good poem with a strong theme.



Write On!


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Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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Fantasy and Science Fiction Society Open in new Window. [E]
For Fantasy and Science Fiction authors. Open to all applications. come in and learn
by David the Dark one! Author Icon

"Thrice PromptedOpen in new Window.
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
7
7
Review of Testing  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Cat Voleur Author IconMail Icon


I am writing this review with the Portal 2 soundtrack playing in the background. Oh, and happy account anniversary. I'm sure your inbox is already bursting!


First of all let me say I am a big fan of Portal 2. I didn't play the first game, but the concept is the same I think. You captured the tone of the game very well. To the point and eerily optimistic despite the scary reality.

The use of italics for the entirety of the piece could be annoying for some pieces, but I think it works here. The italics imply this is the introduction or prologue to the start of the game / full story. I can easily imagine the camera panning out from whomever is speaking ready for the player to start controlling the new test subject.

Is this piece actually a drabble? A drabble is normally around 100 words, this is closer to 400. It is definitely flash fiction, but probably not a drabble. Not that it really matters, the piece is the same regardless what you call it!

Generally the piece is well written. I only spotted one grammatical issue:

...most important, defining thing in common; Science.


The semi-colon there should be a colon. '...in common: Science.'

I enjoyed reading this piece and would love to read the finished project if you upload it to WdC. I like fan-fic stuff and Portal has a great game-world.


Write On!




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Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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Fantasy and Science Fiction Society Open in new Window. [E]
For Fantasy and Science Fiction authors. Open to all applications. come in and learn
by David the Dark one! Author Icon

"Thrice PromptedOpen in new Window.
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
8
8
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi P.J.Gray Author IconMail Icon

I've just read your work in progress story of the Ghost of Shangradi.

The piece has promise, but as it stands now simply isn't working, in my opinion. I don't know what work in progress means for this piece. Is this the complete draft story? Or is it only the start of a story? If it is the latter, then some of what I have to say won't apply. But if this is meant to be the complete draft, then I think there is a lot of work to be done.

There are a lot of technical issues with this piece. As this is a draft, I think it would be meaningless to go through each one individually as the chances are the piece will change a lot as you edit it. But you should go through to make sure the basic things like having all proper nouns and the start of sentences capitalised are done. Just a quick glance over the piece would allow you to spot basic errors like that and the whole piece would seem far more professional if these were sorted. Another issue is that at the start of the piece " " are used for dialogue, whereas ' ' are used later on. You should pick one and stick with it.

The opening passage has some intrigue. Terry is in a tomb and hears noises. A little cliché, but it builds the suspense well. Then he meets a ghost who is a bit like a Sphinx in that the ghost asks a question to allow Terry to pass. What got me about the ghost, is that there is no motive. It is never made clear who this ghost is or why it wants to stop Terry from passing through. Even in horror B-movies the antagonist has some kind of motive. Even it is just the ghost is a malevolent spirit wanting to cause distress, the reader should know. The end of the opening paragraph is too cliché for me. 'Chilled to the bone', 'hairs on his back started to rise', 'most scared he had ever felt in his life'. We get that he is scared. But these are pretty bland and overused statements. I reckon you could have some fun coming up with your own ways of showing Terry's fear. You don't have to avoid clichés totally, but you should present them in a new way. If his hairs are standing up, then show what that does to him. Does he feel them tugging at his skin? Does sweat bead up? Fear is a very personal thing. You could make this opening a lot more powerful if you hone in on the personal experience of Terry. Show us his fear.

Then we get the riddle. I liked the language you used for the riddle. The rhyme works well and there is a good rhythm to the words. However, I do wonder how much the ghost wants Terry to get the question wrong. I got the answer straight the way. It just isn't that difficult. Don't get me wrong, I think it is a wonderful riddle to the word death, just not a very challenging one. I guess this all goes back to the ghosts motive. If the ghost simply wants to scare then an easy riddle is fine. But if he genuinely wants to kill Terry and stop him from passing then why use such an easy riddle?

The latter part of the story takes place after and before this initial ghost encounter. It's a little confusing, I have to admit. Terry is thinking back on the events with the ghost, whilst simultaneously having a flashback to his father. When I first read it I thought Terry was talking to his father after seeing the ghost, but I now realise Terry is thinking back. Then it goes dark, then he's suddenly in the dark with another ghost, then someone asks what he's doing. I felt the end was a bit rushed, but that it also contains some interesting ideas. With a bit of TLC I reckon the ending would work quite well.


In summary: an interesting story with promise, but with many issues making it difficult to follow at times. Write on!


Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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Fantasy and Science Fiction Society Open in new Window. [E]
For Fantasy and Science Fiction authors. Open to all applications. come in and learn
by David the Dark one! Author Icon

"Thrice PromptedOpen in new Window.
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
9
9
Review of Ghost Town  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hi brom21 Author IconMail Icon


It's been a while since I've reviewed you, and where better to begin again than with a poem from the FSFS Poetry Workshop. Before I begin the review I want to thank you for taking part in the workshop. Members like you are the reason activities like this can happen.

I enjoyed this poem. I think the imagery is really good. I got a vivid sense of the ghost town you were portraying. I think the poem is good enough that your item description doesn't need to be so blunt. Perhaps the description could be 'The town lives silent' as that links directly to the poem without stating you are talking about a literal ghost town.

As this piece was written for a workshop lesson, I recommend including the prompts you were given. Perhaps state at the top or bottom that this poem is a Rondeau. I suggest this because I initially had some suggestions which wouldn't have worked in the form. I only thought to look up the prompt you used because I know it is for the poetry workshop.

On the subject of form, I like what you did with the constraints of the form. The first line works well and the part of the line you chose to repeat is effective and powerful. You kept to the rhyme scheme well. I did initially think you'd made a mistake in the second stanza as for me 'bone' and 'shone' don't rhyme. However, I looked it up and it turns out we have a different pronunciation for 'shone' in the UK than the US. Where in the US it does rhyme with 'bone', in the UK 'shone' rhymes with 'con' and 'don'.

Like I have already said, I really like the imagery. That said there were a few lines which didn't shine for me. For example the 'cold like a decaying cone' image didn't work for me. I wouldn't associate decay with cold. Often things decay faster in warm, moist conditions. The cold preserves.

In the final stanza you say 'They peruse, torment and love to daunt'. Did you mean to say 'pursue' instead of 'peruse'. The former means to chase, whereas peruse means to look at an examine. Pursue seems to be more fitting.

There is a grammatical mistake in the first stanza. The comma after 'are' in 'They are, vile, horrid...' is not needed.

In summary: a strong poem with a few little mistakes. Write On!



Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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Fantasy and Science Fiction Society Open in new Window. [E]
For Fantasy and Science Fiction authors. Open to all applications. come in and learn
by David the Dark one! Author Icon

"Thrice PromptedOpen in new Window.
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
10
10
Review of Shovel ready.  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h Author IconMail Icon

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Shovel Ready is about change and how we are often not equipped to cope with it.

The first stanza has a really good beat. It is fast paced and introduces the reader to one of the concepts of the poem: that things aren't always what they seem. I'd probably say that this is my favourite stanza in the poem.

The first two lines of the second stanza maintain the fast pace of the first stanza. However, I felt the next line was a bit slow in comparison. 'explanations that no longer fit' seemed to have too many syllables to work effectively. The rest of stanza two is good, though.

I liked how you varied the stanza lengths. It added an element of chaos that seems fitting with the subject matter. I also really liked the two lines of stanza 4. As an image it is really effective.

Stanza 6 (Narratives...) seemed to stick at the end. It felt like it was going somewhere but never arrived. I expected another line. I don't know what that line would be, but I felt like it is needed to help the flow of the poem.

The last 4 lines of the poem are really powerful. Humans are creatures of habit. Change, although constant and relentless, can also happen slowly. Social norms don't change as rapidly as technology. Often by the time society has adapted to change, something else has changed and replaced the thing we have adapted for. Think about how slow the law has been to catchup to the information age we are living in now. Recent laws already seem archaic because of how slow change in this area of society occurs.

In summary: a good poem with a strong message, that stumbles in a few places. Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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Fantasy and Science Fiction Society Open in new Window. [E]
For Fantasy and Science Fiction authors. Open to all applications. come in and learn
by David the Dark one! Author Icon

"Thrice PromptedOpen in new Window.
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
11
11
Review of Fresh Snow  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h Author IconMail Icon


Like your last poem, this poem features snow. Maybe I just keep picking snow-based poems or maybe you write a lot about snow!

I really liked this little poem. Like you, I love fresh snow. The sound it makes as it crackles beneath your feet. The glistening in the early morning sun. There is something very magical about it. It almost seems criminal to be the first person to step into the 'unbroken trail', but it is so satisfying to do so!

Beneath the snowy exterior of this poem is a message about life. In a world that is rapidly changing people like to find something to hold onto. We need something static and unchanging to prevent us from being washed away in the torrent of constant progress. As you say the walk is 'unnecessary' in terms of achieving something, but it is an escape.

The structure of this poem makes it easy to read and allows the poem to flow really well. It reads almost like thoughts flowing through your mind.

I love the last two lines. 'I've fresh snow' is such a great retort. If I ever get the chance to use that line in real life I will make the most of it!

I can't really pick a favourite stanza as they all work so well together. I would give you 5 stars, but I just read your article on why you don't give five stars. So in honour of a poet's work never being done I award you 4.5 stars!


In summary: great poem. Write On!




Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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Fantasy and Science Fiction Society Open in new Window. [E]
For Fantasy and Science Fiction authors. Open to all applications. come in and learn
by David the Dark one! Author Icon

"Thrice PromptedOpen in new Window.
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
12
12
Review of Snowflake Screams  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h Author IconMail Icon

I really enjoyed reading your poem, Snowflake Screams. There is a certain elegance to your words that is difficult to describe. The metaphor of the screaming snowflake works well as a comparison to the things we do not notice, but still have a large impact on us and the world.

As you say 'much is hidden' and we therefore shouldn't assume we know the impacts of everything we do. For instance global warming was caused in part by us not understanding the intricate hidden mechanisms surrounding the world's global climate. I would argue, though, that all of what is hidden in this sense is not understood.

I really like the message of this poem. The third stanza, 'we do not grasp the beauty' really epitomises how I think society views the world. The planet is more than just a rock. It is an interconnected web of immense beauty that only really shines when you look properly.

The fifth stanza has a little grammar mistake in. 'At frequencies to high' should be 'At frequencies too high. As a scientist I wondered what the frequency is, so I did a little searching and found this article  Open in new Window.. Did you read about this research before writing the poem or is this a happy coincidence?

I think it was the right decision not to have a rhyming structure for this poem. The world isn't always ordered like that and the poem reflects that. But, of course, some structure is needed to make the poem flow well so the 4 line stanzas flanked by two 2 line stanzas works well.

I'm going to be honest, and say I wasn't a massive fan of the last stanza. It fell a little flat for me. I think it could work better if it was linked more to the poem. Perhaps:

'How is it then,
that we're the ones to judge?'

The subtle addition of 'then' emphasises that the question is being asked in light of what you've described in the poem.


Overall, a great poem with only a couple of minor issues.


Write On!



Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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by David the Dark one! Author Icon

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13
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Review of Write Stuff  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there Dave's trying to catch up Author IconMail Icon

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I've just read your poem and must say that I really enjoyed it. The content of the poem is, obviously, relevant to me as a fellow writer. Like you I really enjoy reading and writing. Also like you I have a fair amount of variation in what I like. Sometimes it will be dark, sometimes light and humorous. I'm currently working on a science fiction novel.

Overall I think the poem flows fairly well. That said I felt there were several places where the poem stumbles.

*Bulletg* The end of the second stanza felt a syllable too short. Perhaps 'it never seems quite good enough' would work better?

*Bulletg* The third line of the first stanza didn't pack much of a punch in my opinion. I get that you want to repeat the word 'stuff' throughout, but 'to also write stuff--' just didn't read right to me. I'm not really sure what I would do to that line, but I'm sure you could find an alternative (if you agree with me, that is).

*Bulletg* The last stanza is my favourite. It has a fast pace and flows smoothly to the end. I also feel the last stanza is the best in terms of content. Writing anything is always going to be goal based to some degree and it can feel like you're spreading your soul over a blank page and hoping someone will like it.

In summary: I really like your poem but it could be further improved by sorting out some stumbling lines. Write On!

Please be aware that this review is simply my opinion and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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by David the Dark one! Author Icon

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14
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Review of Promise  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi Koyel~writing again Author IconMail Icon

Thanks for entering the " Magic Words Contest Open in new Window.! I'm Matt Bird MSci (Hons) AMRSC Author IconMail Icon, a judge for the contest. My review is broken down into the categories laid down in the Judging Criteria on the contest home page. My scores for each section are also given. These will be added to A E Willcox's scores which is used to determine the placings in the contest. Phew! With that out of the way, let's get on with the review!


*Man* Characters *Woman*


The characters in this piece are very much exaggerations of stereotypes. I that was intended, then well done! However, I think you were perhaps hoping for the reader to have sympathy with the protagonist, Robert.

The problem is, his parents are so mean it becomes comical. The moment the threat in a non-comedy becomes comical the reader loses any sense of sympathy. If the piece was a comedy, then the parents nastiness would work well in context. However, this is a story essentially about finding oneself and taking a step into the unknown and it isn't presented as a comedy.

I would think about toning down the parents' awfulness and really gain the readers' sympathy by showing the parents being neglectful and psychological abusive in a more realistic fashion.

Ribalde is an unusual character. He looks unusual and is very vague about a lot of things. Interstingly Robert describes him as 'quaint'. Robert is into some seriously messed up stuff if a random stranger with green skin who practically kidnaps him can be described as 'quaint' *Wink*

Ribalde and Esmeralda clearly have interesting backstories, but we aren't shown them. Why did Robert go missing? Why has it taken them so long to find him if they were so close to his house? Who are they? Are they human? Alien? Something else? True, you don't need to answer all these questions, but the reader has practicality zero information to work with. With a 5000 word limit, there was plenty of opportunity to expand on all characters in this piece.

Score: 1/5 (they serve a purpose, but have no depth)


*Puzzle2* Plot *Puzzle4*


There is, technically a plot. But the climax of the plot is completely out of the blue and not foreshadowed at all. The end does not require the build up. Surprise twist endings are always fun and interesting, but only when properly built. Think of a mystery story. As you read the story you don't know who the killer is until the very end. But once you have that information, everything else clicks and falls into place. So that's why X did Y. That explains Z. So A was telling the truth, but also covering for B. In other words, the reader can think back to the carefully laid clues the author left and think 'of course it's him!'

With this ending I can't look back and say that it explains anything. Sure the parents were horrible to him, but that makes no sense at all. They surely knew he wasn't there son, so they kidnapped him. I'm no expert on kidnappings, but I'm pretty sure they don't normally let the kid just leave the house and wander about. So that means the parents were either terrible kidnappers, or they thought Robert was their son. In that case, we return to that not impacting the end in anyway.

Score: 1.5/5 (twist ending, but no connectivity)


*Document* Structure *Documentbl*


Is there a beginning, middle, and end? Yes. It opens with Robert in bed and being shouted at, moves to him running away from home, and ends with him finding out his parents are really weird alien things. There is a structure to it, making reading it not a taxing job, which is always good.

Does it rise to a definite climax? Kind of. There is a climax. It's right at the end when Robert finds out about his parentage. Does it rise to said climax? Sadly not. As previously touched upon there is little connectivity between what happens at the start and climax. I like to refer to the climax of a story as needing to be 'unexpectedly inevitable'. I don't know if I'm the first to coin that term, but I think it works here. What it means is that the climax should, ultimately, surprise the reader. If it's obvious then it's boring. On the other hand, it must be inevitable given the information available. They seem contradictory, but a good author (and I am no means perfect at doing this) can hide, manipulate, distract from, and subtly plant clues and information leading to the climax. This is where red-herrings and the like come in useful. They may be common terms in mystery writing, but they are vital for all stories. You need to some information that is correct, but irrelevant to the climax. Make the reader look over there, whilst you tell them some other information. They'll try to make the link there, but actually the real links were scattered throughout the whole piece and can only be realised once the climax has been reached.

Score 1.5/5 (there is structure, but no rise)


*Thought* Dialogue *Thought2*


When/where is this piece set? I ask as the dialogue seems overly formal, and in places convoluted.

Robert, who I presume is a child, asks, 'Won’t I get a day off from monotonous life?' Does anyone actually speak like that, especially children who have had hard upbringings?

It seems everything is stated and matter-of-fact in speech in this world. 'We are really ashamed of you.' 'You are tarnishing my image.' 'What are you doing here, you young fellow?' etc...

There needs to be character in dialogue. In real life a lot of how people perceive us is through how we speak. In other words how we speak defines our character. The same goes for fictional characters.

Score: 1.5/5 (feels overly formal)


*Tree3* Descriptions and Setting *Tree2*


There is a lovely description at the start of the piece. I would say, however, that it's in the wrong place. In general you want to start a piece as short as this with action that shows the reader the protagonist and conflict. Perhaps shifting Robert sleeping to sentence one, then having him wake up and see the scene would be better. As it is, he is asleep and cannot possible see the description you've written.

In general the descriptions are good, but I'd have liked a few more of them to help place the story.

I struggled with the description of a golden place with food stuffed in it. I presumed this should have have said 'food stuffed on it', but I could be 100 % sure that it wasn't some alien way of eating!

Score: 1.5/3 (they are good, but there aren't enough, in my opinion)


*Tools* Mechanics *Tools2*


This section is going to be quite short. The reason is (and I'm going to be blunt here) this piece has not been proof-read. I understand that when copying from Word into WdC stuff gets messed up, but it is easy to fix once you see the problem. Without even reading the item it is evident the piece needs work. The line spacing is inconsistent, there are random spaces before punctuation marks and after " quotation marks. Some words and punctuation marks don't even have spaces between them.

I think it would be pointless for me to go through the piece, as it hasn't been read through by you, the author. That means I cannot know what's a typo or one off mistake, or a genuine error which you would like help on.

I can see that you have published anthologies of your poetry and some short stories. Presumably you edited these. Of course you did, you wouldn't put them out there for the public to buy if you hadn't checked them over several times first. It shouldn't be any different when entering a piece into a contest, or even posting a piece on line. At the end of the day, no matter how absolutely fantastic a story is, if it isn't presented in a professional manner the reader won't trust the author. Poor presentation makes a piece difficult to read, and hence difficult to judge.

I reckon just one of two proof-reads, and maybe getting a friend to review it before entering could have increased my score on this piece's mechanics by 3 or more points.

Mechanics: 4/10 (hasn't been proof-read)


*Mustachel*Overall*Mustacher*


The story had potential to be great with an ending which surprised me. Had there been clues sown throughout the piece it could have worked. With a 5000 word limit there was plenty of room for expansion on the characters and development of author voice. Sadly without due care and attention to the mechanics and general house-keeping the story became difficult to read, meaning I couldn't identify a voice in the story.

Score: 2/5 (potential, but the proof-reading let it down)

Please give feedback on the contest here: "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. (it should take under 5 minutes)

Total Score: 13/38

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.


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by A Guest Visitor

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15
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Review of The Comedian  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi cqa1 Author IconMail Icon

I'm Matt Bird MSci (Hons) AMRSC Author IconMail Icon and am judging your entry to " Magic Words Contest Open in new Window.. I will be using the judging criteria outlined on the contest homepage.


*Man* Characters *Woman*


Dakos is an an easy character to like. His opinions and attitudes in life are ideal and strong. He is against racism, and has the courage and ability to give retorts to those who are racist. He starts the story slightly under-confident, but grows more confident throughout the story. He is a comedian with a good understanding of his crowd and jokes. Dakos is a Novantae, a race discriminated against by many of the races in the Capital Lands. He uses this to his advantage throughout the story.


Isadora Merikalos is a Novantae, like Dakos, but has worked her way up in the amphitheatre's ranks. How has she managed to do this with all the discrimination supposedly surrounding her race? For a race that is so discriminated against, both Dakos and Isadora have done remarkably well getting to a position where they can entertain and manage people, respectively.


Tony is the face of discrimination in the story. Although some of the crowd is prejudice, Tony is the character we see described and witness him personally acting upon the prejudices. He calls Dakos 'Novantae scum' and suggests he should 'know your place'. These are are taken straight from the real world, which on the one hand lends power to the words, but also makes it a little too obvious that this is a statement piece.


I'll handle the crowd as one character. It seems to consist mainly of Novantae, which brings me back to my earlier point; for a discriminated race they seem to have it quite easy. They easily outnumber and outvoice those that discriminate against Dakos whilst he's on stage. I think your message may be stronger if the Novantae are fewer in number in the crowd and are outnumbered, but still manage to out-voice the prejudice crowd.

Score: 4/5 (Good characters, but the Novantae don't seem that hard-done by)


*Puzzle2* Plot *Puzzle4*


There isn't really a strong over-riding plot. The conflict is obviously Dakos overcoming the stereotyping and presenting a good comedy set. This aspect of the plot is done pretty well. However, I'm left wanting more. Something more should happen whilst he's performing. Perhaps Tony's words really puts him off and his comedy starts off without getting much of a reaction. Maybe one of his jokes is inappropriate meaning he has to win back the crowd.

The secondary plot is Dakos wanting to get with Isadora. This is an engaging plot-line and I wish there was more of this plot in the story. Sadly, Dakos doesn't get with Isadora at the end, because she already has a girlfriend. Dakos would be, understandably, upset by this, but that doesn't really show at the end when he says, "Oh, okay. Well, I'll run into you some time or another." It doesn't seem like he was particually fussed either way. I think the problem is you are trying to make Dakos seem respectful to everyone, and didn't want it to seem like he was upset that Isadora was a lesbian. You can have Dakos upset that he can't be with Isadora, and still be respectful. I understand what you are trying to do here, but sometimes the theme took precedent over the plot.

Score: 3.5/5 (There isn't much plot, but what is there is pretty good)


*Document* Structure *Documentbl*


The structure of this story is intriguing. It is written in 1st person, but as Dakos looking back on how he entered the comedy scene. This is a risky POV to take on as you run the risk of making the reader feel too distant from the action. However, I think the risk paid off as I really enjoyed this use of first person. It took a little bit of getting used to, but overall I think this worked. Good job!

The story opens with Dakos preparing for his performance, moves onto a few acts cancelling meaning Dakos must be on longer, then Isadora enters. She then talks to Dakos, who then performs, and gives comebacks to the discriminative crowd members. Finally we end with Dakos not being able to get Isadora. There is a clear beginning, middle, and end.

The climax isn't particularly big. There are actually two climaxes in this piece. The first and most enjoyable is the one when Dakos wins the crowd over with his 'your mom' joke. The second is slightly anti-climactic as Dakos doesn't get what he wants, but isn't impacted by it either. You mention he feels like a kick-in-the-balls when he is turned down, but the climax would be so much better if something else happened. Was anyone else around? If so how did they react and how did Dakos react to them?

Score 3.75/5 (intriguing structure)


*Thought* Dialogue *Thought2*


I really enjoyed the dialogue in this piece. Each character was easy to differentiate through their dialogue.

My favourite dialogue lines were those said during the stand-up routine. They were all in-world jokes, but some also work in real life:

"I thought I was going to be late to this, my mule was being an ass along the Trade Road."

I laughed out loud at that one.

Sadly, my favourite line is not appropiate for me to put in a public review, but needless to say I had to stop reading for at least a minute whilst I laughed at it!

Score: 5/5 (great jokes!)


*Tree3* Descriptions and Setting *Tree2*


The description in this piece generally worked well. At the start, there is the description of the actors in the amphitheatre. Here, I thought there were too many names listed. The reader doesn't need to know the names of the everyone in the room. It would suffice to simply give an idea of numbers.

I loved the description of Tony. It added to his character and gave a sense of the place.

The world this piece is set in is well realised. There is the discrimination, different races, and a value in entertainment.

Score: 2/3 (Well done)


*Tools* Mechanics *Tools2*


Solid mechanics. Just a few little thing:

trying to read my parchment of in the dim lighting

There are some words missing here. Parchment of what?

where ever the hell

Where ever is one word; wherever.

as if fate wanted toarouse{/quote
There is a space missing between to and arouse.

From the northern tribes of the Novantae-"


The - should be an em dash, —, or --. The crowd cheering interrupts him.

"Go back North you...

Either 'Go back to the North' or 'Go back up North'

Mechanics: 8.5/10 (Strong, just a few little things)


*Mustachel*Overall*Mustacher*


I enjoyed this story. The comedy was great!

There is a very strong theme in this story, that of discrimination and standing up for yourself. Sometimes this theme was delivered with a heavy hand, but in general is well delivered.

Score: 4/5 (strong theme)

Total Score: 30.75/38

Please remember this review consists of just my opinion. You are free to take what you want and discard the rest. You are of course welcome to email me if you have any queries about my review.

Write On!


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by A Guest Visitor

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16
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Review of In his eyes  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Roxy Emilia Means Author IconMail Icon




*Man* Characters *Woman*


The characters in this piece don't have any names as far as I can tell so I will refer to them as he/him and she/her.


Initially she seems a temperamental character, quick to anger. I thought to myself after the second paragraph, 'sheesh! She really needs to take a deep breath!'. Of course now I have finished the piece I see now that is exactly what you wanted me to think. I won't spoil the end for anybody reading this review, but it does all make sense at the end.

I couldn't really vision her in my mind. I know her age and profession, but not what she looks like. What colour is her hair, how tall is she? At the end I could do with some more descriptions of the result of her transformation. That said, I absolutely loved the transformation scene. Her running, her emotions, then bang! the transformation. I imagined a dramatic soundtrack in the background to that scene. Big echoing drums bashing in the back, with exciting strings building up to the moment of transformation, at which point the drums stop, and the music calms. If it was a film, a camera would sweep around the transformed character.


He is her 'knight', but initially seems like a bit of a pervert. Again it comes together at the end. However, I felt his character lacked motivation. Why was he helping her? What was his interest? He says 'I will let no one harm you', but why is offering her this support? I thought your description of him was good and I could vision him in my mind.


Score: 4/5 (Good characters, but what does she look like, and what's his motivation)


*Puzzle2* Plot *Puzzle4*


This is a short piece, and as such carries a simple, but effective plot. The conflict is clearly laid out at the start of the piece. He has been in her house and she is not happy about it. As a reader, I want to read on to find out why she is so angry about this, and am given the answer a few paragraphs later. Then a new conflict arises, where is this man and what does he want with her?

I might have liked a bit more plot at the end. Perhaps a hint of what is to come for her. This would leave me thinking about the story after reading it, which is always a plus.

Score: 4.5/5 (Simple and effective plot)


*Document* Structure *Documentbl*


The structure of the story is clear. We open with her finding the letter, move on to her trying to find him, and end with the transformation. The transitions between these sections is smooth and pulls the reader along at each stage.

The story builds to a dramatic climax with the transformation.

Score 5/5 (Well structured, with smooth transitions)


*Thought* Dialogue *Thought2*


In the whole the dialogue is pretty decent. I enjoyed the conversation in the flashback to when she met him for the first time. It read natural and convincing.

I wasn't so keen on the dialogue at the end when he is explaining everything to her. It felt a bit too info-dumpy. An info-dump is where you simply tell the reader a load of information in one go with out being compelling or interesting in the presentation of the information. Perhaps the story could be a 100 or 200 words longer, and have this scene extended. He could explain to her different things, whilst she is in hysterics. Let's be honest, if you found out what she does, you'd be hysterical. I don't think this comes across in the dialogue at the end.

Score: 4/5 (Mainly natural, but a bit too much info-dumping at the end)


*Tree3* Descriptions and Setting *Tree2*


There is very little description of setting in this piece. I don't have an image of whre this is set in my head. I have a generic apartment, and a generic street. Too much generic stuff. Is there something unusual, or unique to the location? Perhaps there is a faux-fireplace in her apartment, though she's always yearned for a real one (a bit of foreshadowing). What about when she's running? Perhaps the street lights blur past her. Just little details to take this generic setting and make it real for the reader. Saying that, I'll be the first to admit that description is not a strong suit of mine!

Score: 1.5/3 (too generic)


*Tools* Mechanics *Tools2*


On the whole the mechanics of this piece are solid. I didn't spot any thing that breaks any rules.

However, I wasn't keen on the use of brackets. For example 'She could key his car (if he had one)'. The brackets detract from the sentence, which I might have written as 'If he had a car, she would find it and key it'. That's just off the top of my head, I'm sure you could come up with something better.

Again, later on, 'Three (and this one was a doozy), tiny...' The use of the word doozy felt completely out of place in the story, and the whole comment seemed unnecessary. I think the sentence is stronger without the parenthetic comment.

Mechanics: 8.5/10 (solid, but unnecessary use of brackets)


*Mustachel*Overall*Mustacher*


I enjoyed reading this story. It had me guessing throughout, and didn't disappoint with its climax. There isn't much thematic work in the piece, but it was enjoyable nonetheless.

Score: 4.5/5 (Enjoyable piece)

Total Score: 32/38

Please remember this review consists of just my opinion. You are free to take what you want and discard the rest. You are of course welcome to email me if you have any queries about my review.

Write On!


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by A Guest Visitor

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Review of A Stony Heart  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi iamthenez Author IconMail Icon

This is Matt Bird MSci (Hons) AMRSC Author IconMail Icon judging your entry to the " Magic Words Contest Open in new Window.. I am using the judging criteria outlined on the contest page.


*Man* Characters *Woman*


I love Ezekiel. He is such a unique character - a stone and bronze gargoyle watching over a rural landscape for signs of change, designed to be so hideous that he would repel spirits. Of course this terrifying image does make him an unlikely candidate for a love story!

You let the reader into the gargoyle's mind in such a way that we learn a lot about him is such a short story. He watches and watches until, one day, a beautiful woman changes his life. There is a stunning description of this woman, that is so deep with emotion and story I have to share it here:
Her face betrayed a shadow of melancholy and her demeanour bore an almost palpable sense of sadness

The word choice there is simply brilliant. 'Betrayed', 'shadow', 'melancholy', 'demeanour', 'palpable'. There are all fantastic in this sentence. That one line gives me almost all I need to know about this woman.

There is a certain sadness to Ezekiel's character: 'His legs were not made for leaping or his arms not made for holding'. I think this line along with others really shows depth to the gargoyle's character. At many points during the story I felt really sorry for him. He desperately wants to get to this woman. To hold her. To be with her. To love her. But, alas, he cannot.

Both Ezekiel and the beautiful woman have character arcs. Ezekiel starts off as a watcher, then changes into a gargoyle yearning for love. He becomes almost depressed at his inability to reach out to her, then finally he does in some kind of magical way. His arc ends with him happy.

The woman's arc (well it's more of a graded line) is very subtle and linked inextricably to Ezekiel's. She begins melancholy and sad, and ends slightly happier and in a sort of unspoken relationship with the gargoyle.

Score: 5/5 (Brilliant characters)


*Puzzle2* Plot *Puzzle4*


The plot is simple. And so it should be, the piece is only 1.4K, and wouldn't handle anything more complex. As with the characters, the plot is actually rather sad. This is the kind of romance fiction I enjoy; it isn't a boy-meets-girl cliché, but a subtle gargoyle-yearns-for-girl plot. There isn't much for me to say in this section. I enjoyed the plot. The conflict is entirely character based. Ezekiel can't show his love for this beau that has changed his life.

I find this conflict more than sufficient to carry a short story. The whole point of this story, in my opinion, is to show that the gargoyle has emotions it cannot show. I find this wholly compelling and is the key driving force behind this tale.

Score: 5/5 (Lovely and simple)


*Document* Structure *Documentbl*


The piece is well structured. Your first sentence gives us the protagonist and setting. You open with description, then move smoothly on to character. By the end of the third paragraph you had set everything up and were into the crux of the story. A new character, well described, then a kind of internal monologue. The structure is really good and the story reads well.

The words flow well with the story. The only reason I notice them is because you had to make them stand out for the contest.

The piece is all headed for the climax where the gargoyle finally reaches out and interacts, albeit in a mysterious way. I will admit to being a little confused at how the ring got there. I know it's supposed to be some kind of magic, but there was no indication that the gargoyle could do magic before this. I imagine the emotional storm is supposed to be when this magic happens. If you use something to resolve a conflict like you have in this case, you need to set it up before hand, otherwise it risks being a deus ex machina. Perhaps if you had shown a bit of gargoyle magic, or subtly hinted at it, I would have been less confused by the ending.

Score 4.5/5 (Smooth piece)


*Thought* Dialogue *Thought2*


This is a tough section to judge. This piece has no dialogue. But it works really well. Much of the narrative is Ezekiel's internal voice, and you do a good job at showing this. I don't really have anything to say for this section.

I wonder if maybe the beautiful woman could speak. Then he could comment on her voice.

Score: 4.5/5 (No dialogue needed)


*Tree3* Descriptions and Setting *Tree2*


The description in this piece is lovely. I can visualise Ezekiel and the beautiful woman vividly in my mind.

I have already quoted some of your great description, so I need not repeat them again. Needless to say I felt like I was there with your gargoyle looking upon this beau. The descriptions of place were well done, with rural England sufficiently described to bring it to life, but not overdone so as to drown out the story.

Score: 3/3 (Good description)


*Tools* Mechanics *Tools2*


There are several places where the mechanics let the overall piece down:

As the years slipped by – as only they can for a gargoyle, whose sense of time is more distorted than our own – Ezekiel made note of events of consequence - though they were few in this small town in rural England - and watched for signs of a change he was sure would never come, for he was sure the old ways were long dead.

This paragraph is actually just one sentence. The first bit separated seems to remove the reader from the limited POV within the gargoyle. The piece is primarily written in close limited 3rd, with the reader granted access to the gargoyle's thoughts. However when you say 'our own' you make the piece 1st person, from your POV. I would suggest:

The years slipped by, as they always do for gargoyles - their sense of time more distorted than that of humans – Ezekiel made note of events of consequence, though they were few in this small town in rural England, and watched for signs of a change he was sure would never come. The old ways were long dead, he was sure of it.

I know it is not perfect, but I hope you can see what I am trying to do with it.


Is that what this was that struck him so suddenly out of nowhere?

I stumbled through this sentence. I think removing the 'this was that' would make the sentence clearer.


I didn't notice many mistakes in the main of the story, but that could be how engrossing the character and plot were!


But, almost at the end, there is a massive POV slip. The whole piece is limited to the gargoyle's thoughts and senses, but then, without notice, the POV shifts to the beautiful woman's. From 'Still puzzled' onwards, the POV has changed (though sometimes it flicks back to Ezekiels for a sentence or two). I think the ending would be so much more powerful if you stuck in Ezekiel's POV. How does he know she is puzzled? Is it an expression on her face? Perhaps something she mutters under her breath. It is a shame this POV mistake is there, as it jarred me as a reader right at the end of an otherwise great piece.

Mechanics: 7.5/10 (POV issues at the end, but otherwise pretty good)


*Mustachel*Overall*Mustacher*


This piece certainly has a unique voice. I felt like I knew the gargoyle's character by the end. There is a wonderful theme of unreachable love running throughout he whole piece. I read the piece almost without stumbling, but with the POV issue at the end, I was pulled out of the story.

Score: 4.5/5


I thoroughly enjoyed reading and judging this piece! Great read.

Total Score: 34/38

Write On!


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Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi cqa1 Author IconMail Icon

Thank you for entering the Great Hall of Contest by "The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy SocietyOpen in new Window.. Congratulations on placing 2nd. I enjoyed reading your entry; below are my comments on your piece. The review is based off my thoughts when I read it to judge the contest. I see that you have edited the piece since, so I will try to make sure my comments are still relevant.


*Man*Character*Woman*


There are a lot of characters in this piece (as expected, given the prompt). However, many of these characters are background characters, so don't need much development.

The protagonist of the story is Dax Sealbrahn-Provdy (I'll call him that as he seems to have two surnames!), a Gray Wizard. Dax's character is well established and built. Being Gray he is looked down upon by members of the Blue order, but in general he doesn't let that bother him. He is a good man, who has everyone's best interests at heart. This is shown repeatedly throughout the story with him talking to pretty much everyone, listening to what they have to say and always seeming to say the right thing.

Dax has history with another major character, Sir Winston. They both fought in a war protecting the Towerlands (part of the Blue order) from Khazard alongside the Gnome King. The relationship between Dax and Winston is pleasant and enjoyable to read.

Dax's character is strong throughout the majority of the story, but it breaks down at the end. We are led to believe that Dax is a truthful and honest man, but without any warning we are shown that he is actually ever-so-slightly dishonest. When he is making his promise to Robert, we are first told that 'If either of us lies about it, our hands will get warm' and then shown Dax feeling a 'slight burning sensation in the back of his hand'. Does this mean Dax doesn't intend to uphold his promise? Has he got a secret motivation behind what he is doing? I have a feeling this isn't what you intended, but I can't work out what to think about the burning sensation. Actually I've just thought of something. Is it to do with his name? He calls himself Provdy, but is actually Sealbrahn? If so, you might want to explain why he does that.

At the end you show off Dax's physical skills (though sadly not his magical abilities) in a fight that is over pretty quickly. His skill set is implied throughout, and it was no surprise that Dax won.


High Priest Brayden is a very unpleasant character. You have done an excellent job making him despicable with everything he says. He's racist (Blue supremacy), obnoxious, ungrateful, and all together not nice. However I do kind of sympathize with him. If Sir Winston had invited him on the premise that he would become Robert's tutor, only for that not to be the case, you can see why he's annoyed. I know he had it coming, but I get where his anger is coming from at the end.


Sir Winston is an unusual character. On the face of it, he's a good man, who cares for people and animals alike. But then he does some things which can only be describe as 'dick moves'. First of all Winston invites members of the Blue order and the Gray order, knowing they don't get on well. Not only that but he invites the Blue order and promises to let them tutor his son, but stab them in the back and gives it to the Grays (kind of understandable). But what makes Winston's change of hear worse, is that he literally shouts out to the entire party that Dax will tutor Robert. It would probably have worked out better for all involved if they had done the ceremony in private, and Winston had taken Brayden to the side to explain. Brayden would still be angry, but probably wouldn't have had the chance to start a fight. When Brayden does start a fight with Winston, Winston acts like a coward (much like Brayden does) and makes Dax fight for him. Winston makes the man who will tutor his son fight simply because his suit is too expensive. This all adds up to give me mixed messages about Winston. On the one hand he is kind, but on the other he leads people on, goads the people he betrayed, and makes others fight his fights.


Robert is a good character. We don't get to see much of him, considering this is his birthday party, but I think that adds to his character. He seems a little shy, and doesn't much like all the guests there to 'lick his father's shoes.' He gets on well with Dax and enjoys drawing. This is a great detail to his character and acts as a way to get the conversation going. He is intelligent and shows this by dismissing each of the orders Dax suggests in a concise, non-judgemental manner. I like his comment about the Green order. He is careful to add 'That's the only thing I have against the Greens.'. This shows he has considered these before. Robert is my favourite character of all of them as I can relate to him the most.


*Puzzle2*Plot and Structure*Puzzle4*


There is a very clear structure in this piece. It opens with the party scene, moves to the scene with Dax and Robert, and closes with the fight. You have paced the piece well, and I think the structure is one of the best things about this piece.


However, despite the strong structure, the plot is lacking, in my opinion. I don't mean to sound harsh with that comment, and it only my opinion. There isn't a true conflict. You set up Dax and Winston and friends, and Brayden as an enemy, but the conflict between them is superficial.

There is no point in the story where I thought Dax might not achieve his goal. There are 2 reasons for that. First of all Dax doesn't have a goal. He is not aiming to achieve anything. The story could have ended anywhere and Dax wouldn't have lost or gained anything. He arrives at the party not expecting to become a tutor. Then he becomes a tutor. Then he fights. I, as a reader, had no reason to invest in Dax's character because there was nothing to invest in. Again, I'm aware this may sound harsh, but I know you're a good writer and will be able to take these comments on board (or ignore them if you disagree, which is equally fine).

Second, Dax is never in a vulnerable position. He is always the strongest character. His motives are always pure (apart from when his hands burn). During the fight he is never in a position where he may lose. Throughout the entire fight he is in the winning position.

As the contest is over, you are in a position to edit and improve the piece. in my opinion, if you were to make a single change (aside from technical fixes), it would be in this area. Make Dax's opponent stronger, extend the fight sequence, and put Dax in the losing position for three quarters of it. Perhaps, to make the fight seem less 'why are they fighting', make it against Brayden, and have Brayden want to fight Dax (currently the fight is on Winston's behalf). That way you have the protagonist fighting the antagonist and not just a new character who comes at the end.

Also with regards to the fight scene, and this is not a criticism just a question, why are they fighting with fists? Dax is a wizard yes? Currently there is no reason to have wizards in this story as there is no magic! If you make the fight a mixture of physical and magical it would have an added wow-factor.

I will say this again, I do not wish to come across harsh. Everything I say is merely my opinion. I am not a better writer, or more skilled, or anything like that. I am simply a writer, just like you, who has an opinion. Disregard everything if you wish, or take it on board. This is your story, and you know what's best for it more than I do!



*Tree3*Setting*Tree2*


The setting in this story is fantastic! I can vividly see the entire scene. The colours of the various guests, the richness of the mansion, the bustling noise of a busy party, it is all fantastic. I especially love the menagerie. It adds to Winston's character, and provides an excellent back drop for the conversational scenes.

The world-building you've done for this short story is also impressive. There's backstory, age-old conflicts, religions, non-religions, schools of thought, Orders, conflict between orders, wars, etc... Everything you would expect in a novel's world, you've done on a smaller scale for this short story.

There is nothing amiss with your world building and setting as far as I can see and this is defintely the strongest aspect of this story. Out of interest, though, why would anybody not want to be part of the Gray Order? It sounds so fun!

My favourite section was:
She led him through several parlors and past many enthusiastic guests to the menagerie, filled with cages that replicated the animal's environment. In several cages full of gryphons, the cage was decorated with real grass and shaped to resemble the hills of their native habitat. They were segregated by color, the golden gryphons were all in cages to the right while the gray ones were in cages on the left side of the room. The smell was tolerable due to servants constantly hanging perfumed flowers from the ceiling and cleaning up after the animals. Viessa led him through a door at the end of the room he hadn't noticed before, and showed him several hallways filled with animals.

I felt like I was there!



*Tools*Technical*Tools2*


Technically this piece is readable, and on the most part I can understand what you're trying to put across, but there are several areas with room for improvement. I'm not the best at technical stuff myself, so this may not cover everything.

Dialogue
In general for dialogue we follow the 'new speaker, new line' rule. This means whenever a different character starts speaking, you put their dialogue on a line separate to the previous speaker. For example:
The look on the High Priest's face was a mix between embarrassment and pure hatred. With a sigh he said "I have friends to attend to, I take my leave." and turned around and left along with the acolyte and apprentice. Dax turned to his old friend, saying "Who knew my career choice would cause me so much trouble?" he chuckled. "Brayden has his head up his ass, like most of the Blue Order. I only invited him because the Mrs. wants our children to study under him." Winston replied, "But after that I doubt that will be possible."


In this single paragraph both Brayden, Dax, and Winston all speak. Notice how after 'he chuckled', it seems as if Dax is still speaking, even though it is Winston? That's a problem with not following the rule. If you were to re-write it, it would look like this:
The look on the High Priest's face was a mix between embarrassment and pure hatred. With a sigh he said, "I have friends to attend to, I take my leave." He turned around and left along with the acolyte and apprentice.
Dax turned to his old friend., saying "Who knew my career choice would cause me so much trouble?" He chuckled.
"Brayden has his head up his ass," Winston replied, "like most of the Blue Order. I only invited him because the Mrs. wants our children to study under him. But after that, I doubt that will be possible."


I'm sure if you re-read your work, you can spot other occurrences of this.

Spacing
I am aware this is likely an artefact of copy/pasting from Word or some other program into the WDC editor. There is inconsistent spacing throughout the whole piece. For example at the start of the piece each new paragraph is indented and there is no line-spacing. Then after '"But after that I doubt that will be possible."' it changes to no indentation, and line-spaces. A couple of times there is neither an indent nor a line space (for example 2 paragraphs before last).

Like I said, probably just a copying error. This didn't impact my understanding in anyway, just thought you should know.


*Mustachel*Other Comments*Mustacher*


Just before the fight scene Dax can't remember if the Silver Angels are supposed to be an elite force. Then, during the fight he goes over an extensive list of things he knows about the Angels. I struggle to believe that Dax can recall their training patterns, initiation methods, fight style, preferred sub-style of that fight style, but not recall a basic piece of information like whether they're any good.


Overall I enjoyed reading the story, but felt it was let down in several key areas. Increasing the clarity of Winston's character, and some scenes (all discussed above) would help dramatically improve the story for me. The piece excels in setting and world-building, and you are clearly very talented in those areas.


Write On!


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by A Guest Visitor

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Review of The Vine  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Liz Author IconMail Icon

I believe this is the first review you will have received on writing.com (WDC), so I should point out that not all reviews are laid out like mine. Some people use 'templates', that is a layout where they break the review down into different sections such as character, language, grammar, etc... Others, like me, prefer to write reviews in continuous prose-like form. There is structure, just not split up. Both reviewing styles are fine and have their pros and cons. When you come to review, I'm sure you'll find a style that suits you.


This is certainly an interesting piece. From what I can tell it is actually two things in one: first it is a poetic tale of a puppet that was once alive; but second, on a much deeper level (and as explained by the description) it is a beautiful and disturbing metaphor of a changing life that is leading to the unknown via an uncomfortable path.

Before we get into the nitty-gritty of this review, I would like to congratulate you on creating a piece of poetic prose that is absolutely lovely to read. I've never read anything in this kind of style before and it is refreshing and interesting. You clearly have skill as a writer, and with a bit of polishing this piece could be amazing.

I love the first sentence. It draws the reader straight in to the piece and makes them want to read on. Opening on a strong action beat is always good! The second sentence is good too, though you have used the wrong word at the end of the sentence. 'Fourth' means after 'third'. You needed 'forth' here, as in 'back and forth'.


The sentence 'It used to pump full of life...' reads a little awkwardly, in my opinion. Are you saying the ember used to be full of life, or that the ember pumped her full of life. At the moment it reads like the first, but judging by the context of the sentence, I think you mean the latter. If so, perhaps try:
'It used to pump to rhythm, a vivid beat, filling her life.' or maybe, 'It used to pump her full of life with vivid rhythm and beat.'
Personally I would use either rhythm or beat. Having both together seems unnecessary and makes structuring the sentence more difficult. Perhaps:
I used to pump her full of life, its vivid beat a distant memory.
I added a bit extra so the sentence felt more complete, but that is just personal preference.

I'm not sure about the sentence 'It once was a strong and health root...' I think perhaps you mean 'healthy' (just a typo, I think). But I'm not sure it is very clear. Perhaps it needs to be made into two sentences, or maybe the sections separated by a semi-colon. This is how those would look:
'It was once a strong and healthy root. A wild and youthful vine of Psyche, it grew tall with great, juicy green leaves spurting out around her.'
or
'Once a strong and healthy root; a wild youthful vine of the Psyche that grew tall, its great, juicy leaves surrounding her.'
Again, I reworded a few bits in that last version. Personally I think there are too many adjectives. 'Great, green, juicy leaves' kind of stuck when I was reading it, and it didn't have the same poetic flow as the rest of the piece. Sometimes less is more, especially in poetic prose. Perhaps pruning the adjectives (pardon the pun) will help the flow and give the piece more impact.

The next sentences are really nice. Although they are technically run-on sentences (or whatever the proper name is for sentences which go on past their natural end), I think it works. This piece has a dreamy quality about it, and I think that is what you intended. So I wouldn't change those sentences (starting with 'They protected her...' up to 'They wrapped her...'). I think they give the piece character.

The sentence starting 'Built to be flexible' is nice, but I think it would have more impact by splitting it up.
'Built to be flexible yet strong. So strong. Strong enough to house the wild nature, her vitality. Strong enough to endure the pains of growing and birthing new life of all kinds.
The exact same words as you have used, just with a few fullstops. Think of it like taking a breath when reading it aloud, just slightly longer than a comma would allow.

I'd start a new paragraph before the sentence 'And so the vine shrivelled'. As all of what I have suggested, this is personal preference. The tone changes at this point to be more sad. Previously it was very powerful and strong. It was a crescendo building up to a climax. Then it drops. It is good that is does this, but I think to make it more obvious a new paragraph would be nice.

'All that remains is the bones...' I'm no grammar expert (so I might be wrong), but I think 'is' should be 'are', as in 'All that remains are the bones...' No doubt someone will correct me if I'm wrong.

I love the rest of the piece. Very poetic, yet fits the prose format. Fine job!

A personal preference with regards to 'She wondered; would it...' - I use italics when showing a thought, and also she would be wondering in first person. To make italics on WDC you can use the italics button at the top (the slanted I) or, as I do, just use the writingML tag. To do this put {i} at the start of the phrase, and {/i} at the end. It would look like this:

'She wondered, will it be able to navigate over the new terrain of my life?' Then the rest of it can either be first person (and italics) or third person (as you have it). Of course, you could leave the thought as third person, but I would put the 'she wondered' tag at the end of the thought rather than the start.


To summarise: I think this is a fantastic piece, and I am pleased you have shared it with the world. I would file it under 'Emotion', 'Personal', and possibly 'Experience'. With a bit of polishing this piece would be even more amazing. Don't be put off by the length of this review and the number of points made. This is a genuinely good piece, and I only do detailed reviews for those writers who I think will take on board advice and be skilled enough to improve the writing even further. Great job!

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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by A Guest Visitor

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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CSFS WDC is 12 Celebration Raid

Hi Prester John Author IconMail Icon

I loved this piece!

I really enjoy science, chemistry and physics (and well, biology too - I like all science) and your piece had good amounts of these sciences. I also liked how the science was made believable. I wasn't sitting their thinking it was too absurd, which was great. For instance Cobalt could be used a power source as it is used in batteries. Praseodymium is a cool element that is highly reactive naturally, but when lab made is less so. I can believe your time travelling scientist could have used Pr in early incarnations of his Capsule. I don't know if you knew but when Pr is mixed with Nickel (Ni) it can be used to get stuff to one thousandth of a degree of absolute 0? That might be useful for a time machine as magnets work best in the cold.

But enough with the science lesson and on with the writing. I made a note of some things I noticed whilst reading your piece. I'll rattle them off for you:


When Aloicious thinks 'I shall have to make a trip to Oxford again.' you end with a full stop. You then follow this with the tag 'He thought.' Yu need to change the full stop after again to a comma and make the 'H' lower case in He thought.

In the next section Aloicious says 'Tut, tut Alan [...] you know." He chided. As before it should be a comma at the end of the dialogue and a lower case H. Also you are missing speech marks at the start of the dialogue on that line.

There is a comma instead of a full stop here:
The warm humid air made him immediately regret wearing his heavy woollen jacket, His nostrils drank in the scents of the ancient forest where he now stood.


A full stop is mssing before He slid here:
Taking out the Gold Hunter from his watch pocket in his waistcoat He slid the protective cover from the glass plate back to expose it to the light that would flow through the lens when he removed its cap.


The word 'primordial is used:
realised that the primordial soundtrack had quietened considerably

and
first glimpse of the primordial and was shocked to

I don't think 'primordial' is the right word to use. Primordial basic and fundamental. I think the word you meant is primeval which refers to the earliest ages of the history of the world.

There is a comma instead of a full stop after alarm here:
rocking sensation that caused Aloicious considerable alarm, The beast was trying to get in and


I wasn't sure about this bit:
It would also damage the plating that was integral to the operation of the temporal field.

To me that lessened the impact of what you were trying to say. Perhaps reword it to:
If it continued the Capsule's plating would be damaged and prevent the functioning of the temporal field.

I like your use of Temporal Field. A lot of writers use it incorrectly or just throw it around willy-nilly. It, as you correctly identify, relates to space-time and the theoretical way of opening holes in it.

"Ah! You are awake ... again." Said the

the full stop should be a comma and Said should be said. There were a number of occasions where dialogue with a tag were punctuated incorrectly. I'm sure after proofreading you'll get these.

Yes, It came as a surprise to me too

The It should be it.


That's it for my suggestions.

The characterisation in the piece was excellent. Aloicious is portrayed to be a clever guy who just wants to advance the field of science. He does so by calling favours on other scientists like Alan. Alan's character is also good. Despite only seeing a small bit of him it is evident that he is a working scientist who is friendly to other people and likes a laugh.

Blaze's character is my favourite. He has the best line in the piece:
So what you see here is the product of four million years of uninterrupted evolution and an Oxford education completed in about an hour of relative time.

That is comic genius!

I loved the scene with Alocious giggling uncontrollably. A dragon drinking tea would make anyone laugh.

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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Review of Dragonborn  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi, Raiden Author IconMail Icon

I really enjoyed reading this piece. Normally I don't read pieces much over 2K online, but your story gripped me to the very end.

I knew I was going to enjoy the piece from the title Dragonborn. As a Skyrim player myself I had to read it. Within the writing itself my the point I realised I liked your writing was here:

I moved into the kitchen, where paint peeled off walls in places and cupboard doors clung as enthusiastically to hinges as valance electrons hung around pure Francium.

I'll be honest and say that for people who don't take chemistry or have knowledge of group 1 elements, this may go right over their head. I however love the element Francium and found the metaphor very amusing.

The thing that annoys me about this piece is that I can't send a review with improvements. As it is I found the piece exciting, fast-paced, intriguing, clear, precise, well-thought out and humorous in places. I have to think of something for this to be a review worth reading so this is the only thing I can think of that could be improved.

"Well of course, we were just about to open presents. I told you you were welcome--"

I cut her off again. "Can I talk to her? Please?"

I imagined her surprise. "Well, of course, I suppose..." Muffled sounds. The dragon was fortunately staying put. Then a crackling as the receiver was picked up, and the most pleasant, cheerful voice in the world entered my ear.

You repeated 'well of course' twice. Perhaps you could vary the dialogue here to be more pleasant to read.

Oh, there is another problem. I really want to read more and you haven't told us when you plan on writing the next piece *Wink* Please email me the moment you upload the next section. Is this going to be a novel or a collection of short, connected stories?

A fantastic piece, fully deserving of the five stars I have given it.

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.


Thanks
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Review of The Dilemma  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi, Raiden Author IconMail Icon

I found your story to be really fun to read and I laughed all the way through it. All too often have I had the same apathetic attitude described in this piece coupled with the want to do something. Reading this makes me think you know me very well. I think you've read some of my stuff before. Your use of comedy both subtle and toilet related are right up my ally (not that one *Wink*).

The format was well thought out and easy to follow. Only having one character made it a simple piece that didn't require to much thinking when reading, which is good after a day at college. I loved the way the character had quit at everything and was desperately clinging on to writing as something he could be good at. I assume you're not quite like that really??

It's tempting to let you win without reading any other's because you said you love me, but then again that wouldn't be fair and I want to get reviews done for the raid *Wink*. Anyway, nice try... but you don't win that easily (I'm not saying you're not going to win, though).

I have to say your usage of two of the words is a little spurious. I'm surprised people haven't tried the 'Spurious is a word' trick when I ask for the word to be used in a sentence in the Espresso Hall! Obviously they wouldn't get the point, but it would be funny! I'm still debating whether your usage follows the rules of the contest, but re-reading the rules I gave I notice I didn't actually say the words have to be used correctly in a proper sentence. You're not disqualified, so don't worry. Your usage may be unorthodox but it is funny.

The only issue I really have is that it is not filed under comedy. Maybe instead of Drama, comedy would be a better genre. Melodrama is correct as is computers.

A really great piece albeit a tad cheeky *Wink*

Write On!

My star rating is not based on the contest, but on the quality of the piece.

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.


Thanks
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Part of the Review Raid 4 U

Hi,debbie Author IconMail Icon

Opening lines

The start lines obviously showed the reader the style the piece was going to be in, but they also introduced us to 2 key characters. Uncle Ed is in prison and seems to be interested and in regular correspondence with Daniel, who seems to enjoy talknig about his life and the mini adventures he has with things like TGI Fridays.

Characters

The character of Daniel was well rounded and believable. However I didn't thnik you gave enough details about the 'boss devil'. Considering that was the prompt, I would have thought it important to do so. That said, the characters of Uncle Ed and Peter, to the extent of a minor character, were well developed.

Plot

The plot was very interesting. The coin acted as a good plot device. It gave Daniel a physical item to go after which avoided the cliché mental trip of selling the soul.

The prompt says that the option is to either sell his soul and have the girl or not have the girl but have his soul. For me to believe in the decision Daniel makes I would have to have more information on the woman of his dreams.Other than a bit about her on March 14 and a few references else where I didn't get enough of a fell for her for it to play such an integral part of the plot.


Technical

These are just minor quibbles that don't drastically detract from the overall piece.

'ebay' should be 'eBay', tiny point that could be explained away saying that a letter it doesn't really matter.

When you talk about the 'big mac' I think you should've put 'boss's two big macs as day'

On the following dates you missed off the ending for the letter: April 5, April 16, May 27, May 30, June 14 and June 18.


What I like

The best thing about this piece is the unique format it is in. Diary entries have been done as has 2 way correspondence, but I don't think one way letters have been done. Doing this made it harder for you characterise Daniel and Uncle Ed as it was all from Daniels perspective. You have inspired me to experiment with different forms and I might change my idea for Halloween to accommodate a similar format.

Other Comments

For a short story you managed to get a very good story in, so well done!

Conclusion


A good story that's missing some important information.

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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"The Magician's SongOpen in new Window. 13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi

Overall Impression

I really enjoyed this poem. The way it was written prevented me from stopping reading and every line followed on nicely.

Form, Rhyme and Meter

There wasn't really a specific meter or rhyme scheme and the form was 4 lines to a stanza.

I do feel a rhyme scheme could've improved the poem slightly. But, how you've written it is great.


Imagery

The imagery was wonderful. Every image was produced vividly in my mind and I loved reading it. The first stanza is beautiful in this sense. I can imagine that if you gave the poem to an artist they could produce an image for every stanza and it would be just like what I have in my head. The sky seems almost surreal and yet it is a very real description of a storm.

The only problem I would say with the imagery is that you use the word 'cloud' a lot. I'm not sure how many synonymous words there are for cloud, but perhaps rewording one of the lines could make it seem more varied.


Technical

Technically, I see no problem with the piece.

Other Improvements

I felt the last line was a little weak. This is the line that will stay in the readers memory and should be powerful, unless for a reason. I think simply removing the 'for' from the line would increase the power of the line ten-fold. At the moment it's a little jittery.

What I liked

As I said before, I really like the imagery. Your word choice is amazing. I really love the line 'Vortex, twisting, spinning'.

Conclusion

A fantastic poem sadly with a weak ending.

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Ernest Author IconMail Icon,

Opening lines

The opening line immediately tells me what the story is going to be about. The scribbling of a number on his palm told me that it's a kind of romance. Using the word 'scribbled' gives me an idea of how the character is feeling. The nerves tell me that it's going to have a bit of light hearted humour. You chose your opening lines very well.

I would say, though, that are too many iterations of 'Susan' in the sentences. However, without major rewriting I'm not sure how to remedy that. I personally don't think it's worth the risk of damaging the sentences just to fix that issue.


Characters

I really like the protagonist. He has a really likeable personality, as a ready I can completely relate to him. He's not obnoxious, nor is he ridiculously shy. He is just a normal guy who has something that's more than a crush on this lady, Sarah. I'm not too sure how old the he is, though. At first I thought late teens early twenties, but then when he got called sir, I thought perhaps a little older.

The other minor characters fit in well and don't take over the scene, which is good.


Plot

So far, the plot is simple and easy to follow. I don't have any problems with the plot, so well done!

Technical

On the line 'Are you alright sir' you need a comma after 'alright' and a question mark at the end. Although 'alright' is right, some people prefer 'all right'. Personally I think it's fine how you've put it, but I just wanted to let you know that some would view it as wrong.

I would reword 'you can take a seat, please to 'take a seat, please' or 'please, take a seat'. I just think it's a nicer way of phrasing it.

You have a typo in this line: 'I though to myself'. 'Though' should be 'thought'.


What I like

I liked the recurring fever. It's really good to have some sort of refrain for emphasis. In this case the fever represents nerves without having to explicitly state it.

The protagonist was also great.


Other Comments

I'm not sure what time this is set in. I'm guessing by the fact that there is a man to dial the number into a payphone that it's set a little in the past. However, he gets his phone out at the beginning (I assume it's a mobile) which would make me lean towards the present.

I don't think the sentence explaining how long it took him to get there is necessary. It would be better if you chose either 15 or 20 minutes.


Conclusion

A great story and one that I think you should continue with.

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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