Hi there,
I've not read the other chapters but could offer some thoughts on what I've read. Please take them as my opinion and ignore them if you do not feel they are appropriate.
I liked the ending. The fact that Pan disappeared leaving the note makes me want to read on. You could even tell us what the note said so that we have an inkling of what might come next.
The formatting seems off - there is a way to upload a Word document so it retains the formatting which will help with the speech - new speaker new paragraph. You can do this when you press add item to your portfolio.
I liked that Pan wasn't as we have seen him - it was a new spin on him. This is creative and imaginative.
To improve, have a look at the formatting. The speech I've already mentioned but there are a few grammatical errors that distract from the story (eg - you are = you're)and inconsistent use of inverted commas - ' or "?
I read through your short story, I suppose we could call it flash fiction, and felt there was a nice outline there. You had clear conflict with the daughter trying to murder the son, with a nice twist at the end. One of the questions I had was: what was the girls motive? Why does she want to cause this boy harm? What has he done to her, or caused to happen to her?
The reflections at the end would make excellent writing prompts. As a short piece of fiction, I felt that the plot was good but the characterisation was lacking - the daughter didn't feel real and we knew very little about the son. Granted, this is difficult to do in flash fiction, so my suggestion would be to redraft this story as a longer piece to allow you to fully explore the motives of the girl and build suspense - perhaps she could be thwarted in her attempts several times before getting hold of him alone?
Just my opinion. If you do decide to rewrite it, please do let me know so I can read it. You've got a great plot there and I think it would work well as an outline. To help add depth to the characters, consider the following things:
What are their motivations?
What are their strengths? Hobbies? Weaknesses?
How do their personalities compare? Who gets more attention from their parents? Why?
Have any events in their past shaped their personalities? For example, why is the girl so willing to hurt the boy initially? Has she had an experience that has caused to act in this way?
As I said, a great story, but please take my advice as just the subjective opinion of a fellow writer. Keep it up, the hardest thing to do in writing is create an intriguing plot and you've done that well.
A lovely poem with a nice rhyme pattern. I like the voice of the narrator, speaking to the loved one and trying to get their point across, almost finding it difficult to really express the depth of their love.
I really liked these lines: Peace has settled around me
Ever since you’ve alighted here
and this verse stood out for me because of the imagery used.
I can’t describe these feelings
surrounding me each and every day.
Or how you’ve become the center
balancing me each and every way.
Whenever I review, I try to think of something constructive that can be improved because that is what I would like to hear. Feel free to ignore it if you disagree.
Have a look at these two lines: With absence of you there.
what I’m trying here to say,
They feel a little clumsy, given the beautiful flow of the rest of the poem. I understand why you've done the word order in that way, however it might be worth rethinking. The rest of the poem is like a dream, drifting seamlessly from line to line, verse to verse, but with these lines I'm pulled out of the reverie slightly and reminded that I'm reading a poem. Just food for thought.
I really enjoyed this and think you've got a great eye for poetic rhythm and theme. Good work!
I chose to review this because it was under my read and review tab. I did write this already but lost it (technology!) so apologies if it's received twice.
The overall story had a solid structure and characters with distinct personalities - one aloof and relaxed, one more nervy. There was an undercurrent of conflict between them throughout the story, contrasted with a clear connection too.
The reference to the witch provided an antagonist, someone haunting and responsible for pulling the strings which created the conflict. Could she have had a more direct influence in the story perhaps? References to her provided the backdrop, but could have been moved further along with set pieces such as creaking floorboards, the tree collapsing before their eyes onto the road, whispers at the edge of hearing, etc.
For me, the middle of the story was a little slow. Again, this links to conflict. They were at the hotel and there was mention that they were unhappy, but you could have created some set pieces to show us that.
The grammar and punctuation is generally good, but have a quick read through. There are a few edits that your word processor may have made for you without you wanting it to: Her eyes practically popped out of her eyes and Christene watched the Fuel Gauge as slowly rose up to the full dash.
This ends well with the shadow of the witch and the sudden jarring crash which takes us unaware and jars us with the sudden end of the story. A good end, well done. Once you've edited this let me know, I'd like to reread it.
I enjoyed this and I liked the way it was wrapped up in the end with the tongue in cheek skydiving comment. I found the characters believable because of the strong dialogue. At one point, I wondered why she was so concerned about banging her thigh against the table, but that was built upon nicely when the table collapsed, linking the idea - perhaps she weakened it when she knocked into it the first time?
The use of so many different synonyms for 'said' distracted a bit from the actual conversation - just as I was getting drawn in to the story, these synonyms pulled me back out again (opined, replied, observed, coaxed, teased, interrupted, scoffed). You do this less in the second half and it is really engaging as a result.
This line was a little confusing:
“Well, okay!” Heidi put her closed her menu and put it on the table “How about it was a double date with his brother Michael and his girlfriend Cynthia to go play ping-pong.”
A nice piece of writing, you've obviously got a good eye for dialogue.
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