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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/maveth
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Public Reviews
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Review by Maveth Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Excellent story, lots of great stuff, so forgive me if my constructive criticism seems a little nit-picky to you. In the first section you use the term "twin beads of crimson" which is a good, unique description. Then later in the first section you describe the crumbs as "tiny beads of hail." Using the term beads for such drastically different things in so close a proximity was distracting.

You do a great job of sucking the reader in and creating a world for us to live in. May just be me, but for some reason the "Cheez Puffs" were just out of place and caused me to come jerking back to reality and think, "huh?"

I loved the metaphores you used in the bus stop incident with Chad Marsten. I also liked how you tied childhood trauma and pathology into the narrator's visitor. The narrator's matter-of-fact demeanor at the end is also eerily reminiscent of something a seriel killer would say. Good stuff, indeed.

Maveth
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Review by Maveth Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nice ending. I like grandma and you didn't even have to deal with her character much. Perhaps a more definate physical description of the closet would open an option for spatial illusion - if george knew how large the closet was from the outside and found himself traveling much farther into it than should be possible in order to examine the noises, then the anxiety level would go up a few nothces.

great job, easy to digest and fun.

Maveth
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