Not a bad idea for a story, but you should go back through and re-read it. There are several spelling errors and it looks like you're missing words through out the story. It happens to me sometimes too. I get in the flow of writing and my hands don't seem to be able to keep up with my brain and I skip words.
Clean it up and re-post it.
Will you be continuing on it to let us know what happens to poor Crystal?
I'm rating this a 4 because I think the concept and what you've written is great. It will surely pull a reader in and make them keep reading to see what's going to happen.
That being said, you need to go back through it and correct a lot of typos and other little errors. I know, personally, when I'm putting something down I get excited and try to just keep typing until my steam runs out and then I go back and see I made a million typing mistakes. You should try to correct those kinds of things before posting here because it could take away from the story.
You've got a good handle on how to be descriptive and draw the reader in. Make sure you keep that up.
I'm excited to know what happens next. If you can remember, drop me an email here when you've got more done :)
Cute idea. I did spot somethings you might want to change/fix:
One surrounded by a crystal clear moat
with a friendly moat monster.
This might read better as: One WAS surrounded by....
A once beautiful shining spectacle of white
so bright, when the sun shone upon it one
had to look away for fear of going blind
There are a few ways to make this sentence flow better. Either combine it with the sentence before it to read:
The King sobbed as he looked upon his throne, a once beautiful shining spectacle of white, so bright, THAT when the sun shone upon it one had to look away for fear of going blind.
or:
It was a once beautiful shining spectacle of white so bright, that when the sun shone upon it, one had to look away for fear of going blind.
Other than those few things, good job! I always enjoy seeing how people can come up with something in so few words.
Cute! I enjoyed it. It's hard to write flash or micro fiction. It's always a struggle to get to a starting and ending point that will leave the reader sufficantly satisfied. You've done a good job with it. I LOVE the following line:
It's a good start and you very obviously have a way with words and are good at painting a picture with them, but there are some grammatical and syntax issues with this piece. I will try to go over some of the more obvious ones.
I would seperate the dialog from the rest of the paragraph. It will make it easier for the reader to follow who's talking. Also, make sure to watch capitalization and punctuation as far as dialog goes. There is some debate as to where commas and periods belong.
The following two sentences would probably flow better being a single sentence:
It roared upward. Sending showers of hot embers into the chill night
Replace the period after upward with a comma and make the s in sending lower case.
Also, to be a little nit-picky, how would you know the stranger had sharp weathered features if his face was shrouded?
I think it's a good start and I'm curious to see where it's going to go after this. Keep up the good work!
Good use of descriptive words. I find that a key to captivating a reader is to describe things well enough for them to be able to clearly picture it in their own mind.
There are some typos/grammer issues that need correcting, but they're minor. I suggest having someone else proof it. When we the authors try to proof our own stuff, we tend to read what we believe we wrote, so sometimes we skip over the mistakes without realizing it.
All in all, good job! I look forward to reading more of you work!
MB
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