This was interesting and held my attention. There are only a couple of misspellings but it doesn't throw the reader out. I see that it was for a contest. I think it would be interesting if you developed it into a larger story.
This is a cute story. There were some grammatical errors and the overuse of the word 'was' but I think with further editing, it will be a very nice piece. I learned early on, that stories come to life better when most of the 'was's' are replaced with action words. I can't tell you how many times I've had to comb through my stories just to weed out those pesky words! Other words that can be pesky are go and got.
Except for some grammatical errors, I thought this was well written. Sometimes you just have to get it out of you before going back over it to mold it. Keep up the good work and welcome to writing.com!
This was very heartfelt and well written. What would you classify this piece as? It reminds me of perhaps a slice of thought with a slather of bittersweet poetic license.
Very cute poem. Simple and to the point and happy. I liked reading something like this for a change that wasn't morbid. Keep up the good work and welcome to writing.com
This story has a lot of potential should you decide to revamp it a bit. Some suggestions are:
Plot: Looks like you were building to a crescendo with the plot but at the end I didn't understand what it could be. I thought perhaps that the boyfriend was only there to give the main characters clothes size for a surprise gift at the end. That would have been ironic. It could have made for a good plot.
Format: Another problem I ran across was whether you wrote this piece in the first person or third. It crossed over between the narrative and quotes. It makes a story harder to follow when not keeping to one or the other. If it's written in the first person then one of the characters speaking to the other should also be in first person.
Syntax: there didn't seem to be a problem.
Flow: The story contained the word 'was' far, far too many times. A reader can get bogged down in a world of was. I found myself falling out of the story several times. This is an old personal demon of mine. I find that sometimes I have to write the story out then go back and change the 'was's' to action words.
I hope that these suggestions help you with your writing. Good luck!
~Live to write,
write to live~
Kathryn E. Lake
Senior Editor
The Reader's Retreat
thereadersretreat.com
I think this poem has a lot of heart behind it and I'm glad to see another author with some heart. Some suggestions that I would offer: read aloud through your poem to see how it flows. You may find that some lines have too many words and others not enough. Place your words on paper, then go back through & edit until the flow is smooth. Anyone can place words on paper but it's how you arrange them that makes a difference. You don't want to knock the reader out of the mood of the poem because of technicalities.
And make sure that everything is spelled correctly. Readers can get knocked out of the mood when they stumble across incorrect words.
Keep up the good work!
~Live to write,
write to live~
Kathryn E. Lake
Senior Editor
The Reader's Retreat
thereadersretreat.com
This is a very nice poem about your friend and well written. Some suggestions I would like to offer to make it 'pop' a little more would be to use the 'tags' to separate your lines. When you are typing in the window, there should be a link to click on above it. By using some of these, you'll be able to emphasize your thoughts the way you want your reader to understand. The only grammatical error that I noticed was on the last line, third word that should be 'your' instead of you.
Keep up the good work! :)
~Live to write,
write to live~
Kathryn E. Lake
Senior Editor
The Reader's Retreat
thereadersretreat.com
It is all in how the author writes it. I have erotica that is strictly sexual and erotica that is molded and laced with romance. The pieces laced with a little romance tend to be more artistic.
This is a nice, simplistic poem. As a poem, though, I would make a few changes for easier reading. I would mold it a little more. Additionally, I wouldn't write it in paragraph form but would make some divisions. For example:
Golden thieves steal the darkness
from the cozy chamber in which I sleep;
an epic battle fought since the beginning of time.
Fight back dark souls!
Give me five more minutes.
It is always touching when someone writes so lovingly about their spouse. I think I wrote one for my husband but don't think it's in my port. He loved it! It was simple and to the point just like this one is.
This was a very good effort. I enjoyed your story but it would have been easier to read if you would check your punctuation. Also, you should seperate your quotes and keep them seperately. It would be a fine piece if you would make a few necessary changes. Welcome to writing.com. Write on! :)
This is very creative. Are these characters that you made up yourself? You know, you could make this into something more. With more detail, you could create a short story or novel from this. Don't you think? Write on! :)
This was a good effort...a nice tribute to the one you love. Since it is your first draft, it would be nice to see you mold it more so that it can touch other hearts.
Will this be a biography, a musing, or are you going to develop a character to make it entirely into a short story? Here are some ideas I would like to present to you just as a helping hand. Please keep in mind that these are only suggestions and can be taken with merely a 'grain of salt'.
1. For your term 'faux-comforting', perhaps you could use the term pseudo-comforting.
2. In the second paragraph, the first and third sentences basically repeat themselves. One of them should be omitted.
3. The second paragraph, third sentence, might be constructed just a little better. Instead of 'The more you grow, the more people let you in on the truth', an example could be: As you age, more truthes are revealed (that's just an example only). There could be many ways to word this.
4. In your sentence: 'And the clear bubble of innocence pops'...I didn't quite understand where you were going with this. When thinking of innocence, a protective shield does come to mind but not a clear one. A protective shell is more apt to describing something like this...perhaps some protective barrier than can not be seen through.
5. 'Suddenly, with out warning' is not a complete sentence but could easily become one.
6. 'Yes, lies or what's inside' is also not a complete sentence but can be fixed also.
I think that you may be able to mold this into a short story, but just like with any of us it just takes some work (elbow grease). I would like to continue reading it as you continue your work. Good luck! Write on!! :)
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mckinziesheart
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 6:06pm on Nov 05, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "