I've read this a couple of times now and must say that I think it is very good. I was first interested in the piece, because I have a fourth grade (now heading into fifth grade) daughter. Since I'm not a ten-year-old girl, I can't say with any honesty what it's like to grow up as one. That aside, here are my thoughts on the piece:
I like the way that you describe things. Everything is straight-forward and honest.
"...I looked down at my chest, and tears scalded my eyes. Was I supposed to be proud? I had two giant lumps growing out of me. I hugged my teddy bear and tried to look inconspicuous.
I was about as inconspicuous as an elephant in a chicken pen..."
I don't believe you could say that any better than you did. This piece is full of great (and sometimes honestly graphic) descriptions that perfectly describe the situation.
I do have a couple of things I think could be improved. I'll post the individual cases, using red to show the suggestion:
“Hey Jessica, pssssst, Jessica?!?!”
"Hey Jessica... Pssssst, Jessica!”
I think the extra punctuation following "Jessica" is unnecessary.
"...I was short, thick waisted..."
You don't need to hyphenate "thick waisted".
"...While all of the other girls were wearing spring and summer dresses that clung cheerfully to their skinny, shapeless bodies, I was shopping unsuccessfully in the children’s, juniors, petites and misses departments, finding nothing age-appropriate that fit..."
Later in the same paragraph:
"...We were be sitting cross-legged in a circle around the Rainbow Room..."
One final thing, watch your paragraph spacing. Sometimes there seems to bee too many spaces between passages that could detract from the content.
That's about it. Once again, I thought that this was very well written. It is honest and compelling. You've really done a nice job with this difficult topic.
I wish you all the best and hope my suggestions are helpful.
I read this last Friday and saved it as one of my favorites, because I knew that I had to R&R you with my thoughts on your piece (Friday was a horribly busy day at work and I haven't gotten to my computer again until now).
I think the poem is excellent. I can see nothing that I'd change to make it better. I think that you captured the essence of this horribly painful story in a most eloquent way. I have a ten-year-old daughter and couldn't imagine ever doing something even remotely as heartless as the mother in the news story did. It is truly a global tragedy.
The one upside that I see is that it inspired you to produce a piece of work that is outstanding. It won't right the situation, obviously, but perhaps it could lead people to be more aware and to show those that don't already know what is important in life.
I've nominated this for "Item of the Week" in
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #777271 by Not Available.
I hope you don't mind. I usually ask permission first and I apologize for not doing so here, but I needed to get my nomination in before the Friday deadline.
Anyhow, once again I thought that this was an excellent piece of writing. Thank you for sharing and write on!
I enjoyed reading your piece, You Can't Tell Me How to Feel. It sends a strong message, but I think that there are ways that you could make it even stronger and more effective.
First, start with a stronger more focused opening:
"...When a person suffers the loss of a loved one, it’s natural for that person’s friends and family to offer support to show they care. However, too many times folks with all good intentions try to comfort a grieving friend or loved one with advice that is not necessarily good:..." Then list the pieces of "good advice" and set up for your individual experience. I don't believe the second paragraph is even necessary. It takes away slightly from the focus of the piece which is then picked up by "...But let's go back to "you have to be strong for..."
You shouldn't "go back" to anything. List the advice, focus on the one that you want to write about here and move on to the body.
The main body of the piece is good. It illustrates the topic well. I have a couple of structure suggestions to make, which I will list here:
1) When my 39-year-old husband died in 1981, friends and relatives had filled my house and yard within a couple of hours.
2) So, the four of us walked around for weeks like zombies.
3) But anyone who had been through this could have told us that we were hurting each other and ourselves. We should have been sharing our grief; instead of pretending it wasn't there.
4) Lisa, my 11-year-old daughter, suppressed her feelings for several weeks. Then one day at school, she started having difficulty breathing.
I just think that rearranging a little would help to make the point clearer.
Overall, I thought that this was a good piece of work. The message is important for people to realize - fortunately, I've not been in the position to offer "advice" to those in need very often. I can say that I've offered some of the condolences you listed here, all with good intentions, but without really seeing the possible consequence. This piece will definitely make me more aware in the future of how the people on the receiving end of my assistance feel.
Thank you for posting.
I'll see you around the site.
-Matt L.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mclafferty
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 11:11am on Dec 31, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
