This was an interesting story of a girl with a bright future who is torn between what she wants and what everyone else wants for her, but I found it very difficult to follow.
Perhaps it is the way it was written or my lack of "smarts", but I found it difficult to understand your introduction.
One line read, "I was too far away to attempt smell but as my guideline of character ideas states . . ." I couldn't tell if you were purposely trying to inject humor into the intro, but this was a little confusing. It made it tricky to tell whether this story was in 1st or 3rd person. I suggest reading over the introduction and ask yourself what you're trying to convey in it. Remember that your audience did not write the story, so sometimes they won't be able to understand certain aspects of your story.
I suggest you begin a new paragraph after an aside. By that I mean, you often give more detail to certain parts in the story, that really don't have anything to do with it, and in the same paragraph you continue on with the story. I think it will make it a bit easier to tell when you have continued on if you begin with a fresh paragraph.
With that being said, I would have loved a little more show than tell. Throughout the story, it was as if you were telling me what was going on with the characters and the world instead of showing me. Don't be afraid to flex your imagery muscle and paint a picture for your readers. We writer's are artists in our own way and we must assist readers in seeing our world through our words.
This is a great idea for a story and I feel that with some more work, this can really become something great.
Take some time to read over your work and remove all of the grammatical errors in the story. They were numerous and they often broke the chain of immersion I had with the story, which made it difficult to follow at times. Also, I would like for you to find a delicate balance between showing and telling. You put massive amounts of description in parts that didn't need it and you decided against explaining some parts that required it. You have a little less than 6,500 words, so please, don't feel as though you're being too wordy by adding more emphasis on the scenes that need it. I'm sure that you're audience will complain about having more bones than meat.
I was really curious about what Rogan was doing while he was telling the story of his mom and dad. Was he nervously shifting his feet from side to side? Or perhaps he couldn't bare to look at Becca while telling the story, so he opted to stare out into the empty ocean. A story is very similar to a play in a lot of ways, so whenever you get the chance, make your characters real by giving them action.
Since the story was in 1st person, I would have loved to get into the main character's head a little more. Was she really that accepting of the idea of being dead so quickly? Instead of verbally hearing how she handled the idea of being dead, what kind of battle was raging inside of her? How did this internal battle effect her demeanor?
And on that same point, I would have loved for you to explain a little more when she finally accepts being dead. I think that is a thought provoking occurrence and one that should not be handled lightly.
Overall, this was a good story and if you take the time to read over it, not just as the author, but as your intended audience and ask yourself the appropriate questions, this could really be something great.
I hope this was helpful, because this is my first time reviewing someone else's work, so I definitely have some room to improve. Thank you for the read.
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