Hi, there KrulTepes.
I read your story and it's really not too bad. It's not my usual genre but I made it all the way through so there was enough interest to hold my attention to the end. I can't really comment too much on the story or theme as I'm sure there's more to go to explain what happens in this chapter and I was never a teenage girl so I'm not qualified to comment on that, but the characters have promise for development, there's already conflict between Liana and Amaria and a couple of love interests between Harvey or even Jayden if you decide to go the way of her getting back together with her ex. Either way, not a bad start. I do have a few technical notes to make though. Please don't take these as me being mean or saying the story is bad, it's not. I'm just a stickler when it comes to some of these things and these are my impressions as a reader.
*“Tell me where my little girl went. Why are you not excited?”*
Contractions are important for the flow of reading and realistic speech, especially in dialogue.
Maybe consider "Why aren't you excited?" or just "Aren't you excited?" conveys the same message and flow better. Most people don't actually speak in complete sentences. They use just enough words to convey the meaning.
This kind of stuff is super easy to miss. I almost have to do an extra proofread myself just to add in my contractions and double-check my dialogue.
***
*...with a little desk at the back. a woman sat behind it her white, blond hair falling...*
Capitalization missing
***
*I know that you were brought to this school on such short notice but, your mother and I needed you to be in a school or else there would have been a fine for her.
So, please don’t mess this school year up because your mother would really like to see you graduate at the school she went to when and couldn’t graduate at when she was your age.*
Just a few notes on this one.
* Punctuation needs a little work e.g. there shouldn't be a comma after 'but'. I've noticed misplaced or missing punctuation in multiple places in your story.
* It reads like the principal is her father. Generally, faculty won't hold that much personal interest in a student unless they're family or a friend of the family. (Also principal after the letter is mis-spelled.)
* "the school she went to when and couldn’t graduate" Extra 'when' left over from rewriting the sentence. Happens to me all the time. Just something to catch in proofreading.
***
*“Oh, you must be lily and Jayden. I’m Amaria Brown. It’s nice to meet you.” A girl said with*
Missing capitalisation on Lily and the girl said with... what? Unfinished sentence.
***
*everything seemed to stop in time at that exact moment as his grey green eyes sought mine.*
You describe him as a black figure in this paragraph. Later you describe him as a slightly darker shade than albino implying a Caucasian and I'll assume that the hall lighting is good enough to not obscure him in darkness so maybe reconsider this description. Eye colour seems to be extremely important in this story as you include it in the description of every character yet his eyes change from grey-green to stark blue in the next paragraph. Consistency is important, your readers will pick up on little things like this. Also, if eye colour is not crucial to the story, it's OK to leave it out. It gets distracting after a while. For example, the paramedics don't need eye colour in their description. Nobody when dealing with paramedics would have the attention to spare to notice eye colour. Speaking of which...
***
As someone who has had to call an ambulance for one of my parents, this is not what happens. They arrive, immediately ask if you're the one who called the ambulance and ask to see the patient. After assessing the situation, one will perform any first aid needed while the other one goes to get the stretcher (a bed on wheels). My house was one story but I assume if stairs are involved, they'll lower the stretcher to carry it up the stairs. After transferring the patient to the stretcher, they'll strap them in for safe transport, lower it again for the stairs and wheel it out to the ambulance. At no point would they ever 'take a seat' or stop long enough to be offered food or drink. Time is of the essence, especially if they don't find a pulse. If that happens, they do 3 things. Chest compressions, chest compressions, chest compressions. It's not their job to determine if someone's dead or not. It's their job to ensure that someone has the best chance of reaching the hospital alive, pulse or not. This is my personal experience, but maybe look up procedures for paramedics in your country/region as details may vary. Official procedures such as paramedics or police protocols are one area where research is important. Any readers who have experience with this will pick up on inaccuracies immediately and it will pull them out of the story.
Also, Who called the ambulance? Whoever it was would be waiting at the door or with the patient until the ambulance arrived. No one would ever have to search for the patient unless it was the patient themselves who called.
***
The ending is somewhat confusing. Was it all just a dream? Is she in a time-loop? If it's the prior, maybe clarify that a little and why did she know what her mother was going to say? If it's the latter, why is she not surprised?
There are more examples of these but most of which could be handled with a couple of proofreadings. I find it useful once I have my chapter, I give it one proofread in my head and then another aloud. This forces me to proofread twice and also draws attention to any mistakes I notice on the first read and also anything that 'just doesn't sound right' on the second. It might help.
Either way, these are just my opinions, so take them or leave them as you see fit, It's your story.
Good job and keep writing. |
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