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In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Aww, Cat... I loved this piece, because it was, obviously, written from the heart. Any small grammatical thing I might have noticed while reading was quickly dashed from my mind by the emotion in my heart. Good job.

This is my favorite line:
I would have her in my life another 6 years before she was finished teaching me.

Keep writing. It's good for the soul.

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Review of pity party  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, LuisPadilla,

I did not expect that ending! Good job!

Since, I know next to nothing about writing poems, I can offer no advise, just a pat on the back for keeping me intrigued. :)

On the technical side, I noticed some typos and such. Here's a couple examples:

Oh my dear sir, as u will concur, >> 'u' should be 'you.' -- Maybe a throwback from texting or tweeting? lol
Surely someone shall come, even if only one, on this my life depends >> extra space before 'even.'

Hope this is helpful.
Keep writing. It's good for the soul.

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In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Clanbear!

I truly like the concept for your story set up in this piece. The only thing I might look at again if it were mine is how the beginning starts in third person and it ends in first. I was confused by this. Is the 'he' from the beginning the same 'I' from the end? The same person/being?

Good job and welcome to the group!

Keep writing. It's good for the soul.

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Review of Frank  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Chanon,

I'm so glad you peeked in my port and encouraged me to do the same in yours. Great piece here! I assume this is a true story...or I'm hoping so. It felt very real to me, so if not, even more praise is due. :) Well done! I found nothing I might change if this were my work.

I, too, hope Frank got his wish.

Keep writing. It's good for the soul.

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Review of Guardian Angel  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, shruthi,

What a lovely, touching story. By the end, I had tears in my eyes--happy tears though.

The only thing I might suggest is a little clean up editing. Maybe check the punctuation, extra spaces and such, especially with the dialogue.

Example:

“ Yes” I said

“ Did you go around with him grandma?” Sam questioned.

“Well in those days it was called courting, and yes he did court me” I replied.

“ GRANDMA, the boy you went arou…sorry courted was Grandpa wasn’t it??”

I laughed I said “ Yes, that was your Grandpa, now you both want me to tell the rest tomorrow?”

“NO” they both screamed “ we want to know the whole story now”

This is how I might punctuate this bit:

“Yes,” I said. >>>>>A dialogue tag is a continuation of the sentence and therefore should be separated by only a comma.

“Did you go around with him, grandma?” Sam questioned. >>>>>>In dialogue, when you call the person you are speaking to by name, there should be a comma separating it from the rest of the sentence.

“Well, in those days it was called courting, and yes, he did court me,” I replied.

“Grandma! The boy you went arou--sorry--courted was Grandpa, wasn’t it?” >>>>>>Usually, I believe, when a thought is interrupted, even by the speaker themselves, it is common to show this with an emdash. Also, only single punctuation is needed at the end of each sentence.

I laughed. “Yes, that was your Grandpa. Now you both want me to tell the rest tomorrow?” >>>>>>The 'I laughed' is enough to let the reader know who is speaking and so the dialogue tag is unnecessary. I also broke up what seemed to me like a run-on sentence.

“No!” they both screamed. "We want to know the whole story now.” >>>>>>I am told that using caps to show feeling is frowned upon. The exclamation point and surrounding text shows this well alone.

Great job!
I hope you find the suggestions helpful.

Keep writing. It's good for the soul.

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Review of Mysterious Ways  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Lilnut!

Excellent! I am in awe and left wanting more--needing more! You have a new fan. :) Your writing is without flaw, in my humble opinion, and the story remarkably intense. I wouldn't change a single word. This read like an epic, classic, published novel. Move over J. R. R. Tolkien, there is a new talent in town.

Great job!
Welcome to the group! I look forward to delving into more of your work!

Keep writing. It's good for the soul.

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Review of In the Shadows  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, Xdoe,

Boy, did I get the feel for this story from the very first sentence. Great job in setting the tone. I was this person, seeing what he did and feeling it too. Such emptiness. The only little technical thing I might suggest is to break up the long sentences a bit. Maybe just my opinion though. :)

Example:
I am walking alone and the lonely road embraces my slow and paced steps to the grocery store, I notice that my shadow is betraying me with an uncertain and diffuse shape, a shape that reminds me of a kid that lacks all the confidence of a real man, yes, I am implying, by saying this about myself that I am not sure about everything in my life and how it makes me look.
I am walking alone and the lonely road embraces my slow and paced steps to the grocery store, when I notice that my shadow is betraying me with an uncertain and diffuse shape, a shape that reminds me of a kid that lacks all the confidence of a real man. Yes, I am implying, by saying this about myself, that I am not sure about everything in my life and how it makes me look.

Good job!
Welcome to the group!

Keep writing. It's good for the soul.

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In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Rain!

Nice to 'meet' you. :)

I read your first chapter here and liked the descriptions of the dragon characters very much. I could 'see' them in my mind. I have to wonder why each bit of dialogue is labeled with the speakers name though. I think it might draw the reader in a bit more to give a bit of action to let us know who is speaking. Let me give an example. See what you think?

Stone: "Sigh, do I have to go to this school? Can't you and Mom just teach me?"

Blitz: "Now Stone, I know you don't know many dragons around here; however every single one of you has to attend this Academy."

Stone: "But.." , chided Stone in a weary voice

Blitz: "No "buts", son, you will make new friends! I am sure of it."

Maybe try something like this? >>

Today had to be the worst day yet. School. Why? I turned to my father to plead my case one last time. "Do I have to go to this school? Can't you and Mom just teach me?"

"Now, Stone," my father said in that voice. You know the one. The voice all parents use when they will not be swayed. "I know you don't know many dragons around here, but you will, and every single one of you has to attend this Academy."

"But--"

He turned back towards the fire, his long tail narrowly missing mom's corner hutch. "No 'buts,' son. You will make new friends! I am sure of it."

Now, I don't know if what I added matches what you have pictured for your story or not, but I just improvised to give an example.
These are just my thoughts though--my opinions. Take them with a grain of salt. :)

Welcome to the group!
And keep writing. It's good for the soul.

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In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Raiden!

A very entertaining tale you have crafted here! Great job! You had me going right up to the twist at the end. The only thing I didn't understand was the true wizard Ganondalf asking about Eugene's horse.

I made a few notes as I read. I hope you find the suggestions helpful.

I wonder if the title has a typo or the spelling of Fellowship is intentional?

Startled, mystified stares were boring into him, and it felt rather uncomfortable. Dawson was almost starting to prefer the laughter. >> Here is a good place to show how a little rewording can remove a passive 'was' and 'were.' There are others. >>
Startled, mystified stares bore into him, and it felt rather uncomfortable. Dawson almost preferred the laughter.

Why, Dawson was just so happy he had found him and with so little trouble, that he wanted to give him a hug. >> Anytime you can delete the word 'that' and the sentence still make sense, you should do so for a cleaner manuscript.

The horrified boy watched in horror as the water’s surface... >> Horror twice.

Keep writing. It's good for the soul.

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In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, Natbutterflyblue!

Great start to your story here! I'd love to read more!

I made a few notes and suggestions along the way as I read. I hope you find them useful. :)

Faiths breaths came in rapid gasps >> I believe there should be an apostrophe to show possession--Faith's.

Terror gripped every fiber of Faith as she clung to the shadows >> Here, I believe 'her' would suffice since Faith was just introduced to the reader in the last sentence by name. >> Terror gripped her every fiber of as she clung to the shadows.

Faith would never have imagined that an attack could be launched on the palace... To make this sentence less passive, the 'would have' can be deleted and the sentence still makes perfect sense. >> Faith never imagined that an attack could be launched on the palace...

The white nightgown she wore was saturated in blood. >> Repetitious--the reader was already told the princess was covered in blood above. If you'd like to emphasize this, maybe give us more description. Show us contrasts of the white gown or pale skin splattered with crimson.

'Hurry', Faith hissed urgently. >> In this instance, I wonder if the 'ly' word is necessary. Her hissing and the circumstances would probably be enough for the reader to assume. Trust your reader to make the leap in little things like this.

This was the coal storeroom; a trapdoor in the ceiling where delivery's were made would be their escape. >> Avoid passive 'was' when easily done. >>
The trap door to the coal storeroom, used for deliveries, would be their escape.

'Faith!' Airianna whispered urgently, 'I think someone is coming' >> Again, the 'ly' word may not be imperative here. The exclamation mark and circumstances show the urgency.

Welcome to the group and hope to chat with you soon.

Keep writing. It's good for the soul.

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Review of Just shoot me  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, strlcuckoo!

Wow, you got me! lol I didn't see it coming at all. I was feeling so sad and apprehensive for this poor fella. Good job! :)

I made a few notes of little nit-picky stuff along the way as I read. Nothing monumental. Hope you find them helpful though.

so I get up and prepare my self, you know wash, shave... >> Here, I might change just a couple of minor things.
so I get up and prepare myself--you know, wash, shave...

We all head for breakfast and my stomach is in knots anticipating my fate to come later in the day. >> I think I might place a comma after 'knots.'

Everything seems to be moving in slow motion, I dread that today is the day they will shoot me. I’m not even sure why they must, there has to be another way, another means to the same end, I didn’t do anything to deserve this. >> I might separate some of this into more sentences.
Everything seems to be moving in slow motion. I dread that today is the day they will shoot me. I’m not even sure why they must, there has to be another way, another means to the same end. I didn’t do anything to deserve this.

“Hold still” someone said, I replied “Go ahead and just shoot me”. >> Here, I might also separate one's dialogue from another's into separate sentences and maybe even separate paragraphs.

Keep writing--it's good for the soul.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Magoo!

What can I say other than excellent and touching? Great job. That last line got to me. :)

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In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Arosis!

I thoroughly enjoyed your prologue! I found it full of emotion and your voice interesting and fresh. Great job!

I found just a few little nit-picky things. I hope you find the suggestions helpful. :)

Cathy could almost see the old woman pursing her wrinkly old lips. “There’s no time for your smartass comments! You need to be here, now! You were supposed to be here twenty minutes ago.” >> I think it might be less confusing for the reader if one person's thoughts were not in the same paragraph as another's dialogue.

Cathy pushed herself out of the chair, leaving an indentation in the cushion and a gloom that seemed to settle wherever Cathy was these days. >> Cathy twice in the same sentence. Maybe make on or even both 'she.'

She strode away from Cathy... >> I think you can delete 'from Cathy' and the reader still know who you are talking about. It is a very memorable scene. :)

Keep writing--it's good for the soul.

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In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, Lucretius!

This was a very short read and yet a very powerful story! The reader gets the feel of the tale with the very first sentence and the tensions continues to mount. The end gives us a peak into the way the two boys see the situations totally differently--as we all do. For the most part, there is no right or wrong, just different perceptions--shades of grey.

Excellent job!

Keep writing. It's good for the soul.

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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, Legerdemain!

I loved you voice in this piece and the dialogue was excellent! Great job! The only thing I might suggest is to separate one character's dialogue from another's thoughts and actions to avoid confusing the reader.

This line confused me.
Rusty tossed the drink back with a grin. "Maith thú! Well done!" The leprechaun's generosity was loosening his tongue and dulling his wit. He foolishly reached for the shillelagh.

Rusty drank and grinned and I know after reading on that Rusty was the one who reached for the shillelagh, but the sentence between didn't seem to fit. After reading it again, just now, I wonder if it was a POV switch, not the bartender's thoughts as I originally thought. ??

Anyways, great tale!

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Review of Livingroom  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Marnts!

Aw... I loved this. Especially the last few lines. Great job tying the story together with the different couches and bringing it full circle with the return of the first at the end.

I made a few notes as I read, just little nit-picky things. I hope you find them helpful. :)

Time drew on, and as we grew, so did this house. The old home made furniture gave way to items more sturdy as we could afford. During those years, we grew as well. >> Repetition of 'we grew'. Maybe delete or reword the first?

During this time we seemed to have less and less time together, >> Repetition of 'time'. Maybe replace the first with 'this stage in our lives' or something like?

Its slim sleek lines and taught covering gave it a somewhat sterile look. >> Typo--taut.

At times, we were hardly ever in the house, and days would go by when we hardly even saw each other. >> Repetition of 'hardly'. Maybe replace one with 'barely'?

Keep writing. It's good for the soul. :)

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, L.S.O.

Wow, way to start a story! Tense from the first moment. Great job!

I made a few notes as I read, but wanted to touch on one or two other things first. Since I've never seen battle myself, I wish you could be a little more descriptive. What did it sound like? Were there battle cries? Screams of pain? What does death smell like? Did sweat and the metallic scent of blood hang so heavy in the air around them that they could taste it? Then, let us feel it too as they did. By the end, were their muscles screaming from swinging those swords over and over and blocking with their heavy shields? Were they out of breath? Did the wounds, slices from others swords burn? When they realized they were tricked and trapped, did fear trickle in even for a second? What about when her husband was slain right next to her? Did pain pierce her heart as well? Let the reader smell, hear, taste and most importantly feel what the character is and they will empathize with them so much more and more quickly as well.

1) There were always more who came, pounding relentlessly like the sea. >> Always, more came, pounding... >> Less passive?

2) “Too many,” panted Teutates, “They are like the endless coils of a snake.” >> Maybe punctuate like so: “Too many,” panted Teutates. “They are like the endless coils of a snake.”

3) Scota dispatched the stumbling cripple with a quick thrust through the man’s throat, “So we run?” The bitter contempt in Scota’s voice made Teutates shiver. >> Maybe separate one man's action and dialogue from the other's reaction into separate paragraphs.
Scota dispatched the stumbling cripple with a quick thrust through the man’s throat, “So we run?”
The bitter contempt in Scota’s voice made Teutates shiver.

4) The bloody head is the thing,” Scota gathered like a storm cloud. >> Comma should be a period, I believe.

5) She was beautiful in her rage, but all Teutates said was, “I love you Ota,” his words were lost in the battle noise. >> Scota is a woman? I had no idea until now. This makes a huge difference in my perspective on the scene. Maybe let the reader know before now? Also, this next bit should be a separate sentence: his words were lost in the battle noise.

6) Satisfied that all was well he gave orders and the war horns sounded the charge. Comma after 'well' r introductory phrase.

7) Lyr seemed to find this extra measure of death even funnier.

Scota turned on Lyr, but made no move >> How did she know he found it funny if she was turned way from him? Did he laugh?

8) For a moment, Scota thought he meant the spear-man she had just killed, but Balor was looking at Teutates body, “Why did you kill him?” Scota asked. >> Unnecessary dialogue tag at the end. I would delete.

9) “Because I do what I like,” Lyr stared at her a moment, daring her perhaps, “It seems to me you’ve chosen life. Wise.” Lyr nodded to the other body on the ground, >>The commas here should be periods and I think the second 'Lyr' could be 'he'.
“Because I do what I like.” Lyr stared at her a moment, daring her perhaps. “It seems to me, you’ve chosen life. Wise.” He nodded to the other body on the ground.

10) “Shut-up Scota, I am the lord Balor and not even a goddess may interrupt me.” after shouting her down, Lyr spoke loud enough for all to hear. >> Punctuation:
“Shut-up, Scota. I am the lord Balor, and not even a goddess may interrupt me.” After shouting her down, Lyr spoke loud enough for all to hear.

11) “Meet your second, Andalyr. Andy, my sister, Scota, goddess of the Gael,” Balor chuckled to himself, amused by his wit or simply mad, >> Punctuation:
“Meet your second, Andalyr. Andy, my sister, Scota, goddess of the Gael.” Balor chuckled to himself, amused by his wit or simply mad.

Hope you find the suggestions helpful. :) Really, great job! i enjoyed this.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, Percy!

I'm sorry this took so long. What an involved chapter! I loved the king and queen...especially the queen. From the dialogue, I could just about picture her and her expressions. Poor Ricardo. But then he did commit the ultimate betrayal, huh?

I made a few notes as I read. I hope you find the suggestions helpful.

1) Teresa looked out and cringed. She was clearly discomforted by her friend’s visit. >> I would delete this telling line at the end since you showed it in the last sentence.

2) Maria was stunned by the revelation and taken totally by surprise. >> Instead of telling us she was... maybe show us with action, dialogue, or direct internal thoughts.

3) He’ll just have to get over it. >> 'Get over it' sounds a bit modern for this time.

4) She'd been thinking how she might soften the blow and realized when the time came that there was no sense itrying. >> typo and missing commas that caused me to pause and reread. I also might delete 'that' and change 'and' to 'but.'
She'd been thinking how she might soften the blow, but realized, when the time came, there was no sense in trying.

5) Two commander’s in the Hermandand stood behind the stable, having a conversation. The one called Benvolio was holding a stick and pointing to the ground. His first name was Joaquin and he commanded a Battalion of Infantry. His friend was Carlos, a Commander of Dragoons. They were planning an operation designed to lure the Infamous Francisco Caliente, a notorious bandit, across the border from Portugal into North West Spain.

Benvolio was a big man, born the son of an impoverished Noble. When he was ten, war had broken out when Alfonso V invaded the frontiers over a border dispute with Spain. In the fighting that ensued, their estate was pillaged, his family perished and the entire village burned to the ground. As a consequence, Joaquin harbored an intense hatred for the Portuguese. Even if Caliente was a bandit, he was a Portuguese Bandit and another opportunity for revenge. >>

While it was nice to have all of this description and backstory, it might be a more interesting read to find these things out a little at a time sneaked in in dialogue and internal thoughts.

6) Continuing into the sanctuary he saw the novitiates seated in the front, being lectured by Cardinal Mendoza. >> 'He saw' is an author filter and unnecessary as we know we are seeing things through his eyes. Maybe:
He hurried to the sanctuary. Inside, the novitiates sat in the front, being lectured by Cardinal Mendoza.

7) Ricardo stood forlornly, tears rolling down his cheeks. >> I would delete 'forlornly' for the rest of the sentence shows what this tells.

8) The next section begins with two paragraphs of telling which, in my humble opinion, are mostly unnecessary. You show us much of this after.

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Review of Just a Scratch  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Elisabeth!

What an emotional opening to this tale! You started just where all good writers do, at the turning point in the character's life. Great job!

I noted a few things as I read. I hope you find the suggestions helpful.

The figure stumbled clumsily out of the thick wall of trees and into the campgrounds. His breath was quick and ragged, and he clutched desperately at a reddened area of his shirt. Moaning softly, he looked down and gazed at his wound. >> A few 'ly' words spread throughout a story, I don't mind, but here the three in the first three sentences caught my attention. I think 'stumbled' and 'clumsily' are pretty much the saying the same thing. After all, you really can't stumble with grace, right? :) And with 'stumble,' his quick breath, and 'clutch at a reddened area,' we understand that this is a desperate situation. >> Maybe try:
The figure stumbled out of the thick wall of trees and into the campgrounds. His breaths came quick and ragged, and he clutched at a reddened area of his shirt. Moaning, he looked down and gazed at his wound. >> Isn't that smoother and the pace faster, while still getting the point across?

The expression in his eyes sent her emotions spiraling. A tear slipped down her cheek. Adam noticed this and weakly raised his blood stained hand to her shoulder, gripping it as tightly as his strength would allow. >> Maybe separate her dialogue, actions, and thoughts into separate paragraphs from his to avoid confusion.

This was the last time she would ever sit by while every loved one she knew died her in arms. >> 'Last time' implies now, this one, but the end of the sentence talks about all of the others. And 'loved one' already tells us she knows them well. Maybe try this:
This was the last time she would ever sit by while a loved one died her in arms.

I look forward to reading more of this story.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..

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In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Awesome again, Percy! I am loving this new beginning and can't wait to read more. Oh what tangled webs we weave, heh?

Angelina is a perfect villainess. She is selfish and conniving, but you also show well her vulnerabilities and the helplessness of the situation she has gotten herself into.

Again, the changes I might make are so minute, mostly punctuation, that I hesitate to mention them. Let me know if you are interested?

Great job!

Melissa
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow! Percy! This was excellent! Other than a few misplaced commas and ellipsis, I couldn't find anything I might change or suggest. I love this new beginning to your manuscript. It allows us to get to now Ricardo and Teresa and their past that was only hinted at in the first version. And your voice! Your voice and choice of words allowed the reader to know just what time period this was without coming right out and telling us. This is what I aspire to do, but lack the confidence and resort to putting the date at the beginning of each of my manuscripts.

Great job, my friend!

Your fan, Melissa.

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In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Brom!

Wonderful story with a great feel of wonder and peace about it. Good job!

I made a few notes as I read. I hope you find the suggestions helpful. :)

1) It was 8:37 p.m. and his bed time had passed. >> Bedtime one word.

2) It grew brighter as Johnathan saw it descending from the sky. >> I would delete "Jonathon saw' as we already know we are seeing this through Jonathon's eyes. It makes for a deeper POV without.

3)"Up there! Look,: he exclaimed while pointing. >> typo : should be"

4) "Johnathan saw the peace in Trophimus' eyes that filled the boy with trust." >> Should this be punctuated as dialogue?

5) The clouds were below him >> Maybe try something like: The clouds now floated below as the angel took him farther from earth? This gets rid of a passive 'were' and might help make the connection for the reader that they are traveling higher.

6) "Wow. Am I dreaming?",Johnathan said overwhelmed. "It's like being on a floating castle",he said taking in the magnificent architecture of pillars >> 'He said' twice. I would cut one. And unnecessary comma after the question mark.

7) He saw some go up and down a spiraling staircase that descended into... >> I am told 'He saw' or 'he heard' and phrases like this are author filters. Again, we are in Jonathon's POV and know we are seeing through his eyes. I think you can safely delete this. >> Some moved up and down a spiraling staircase that descended into...

8) he said frowning with dismay in his eyes that sparkled with innocence. >> Until here we were in Jonathon's point of view. this seems as if we have switched to the angel's, because Jonathon wouldn't know his eyes were sparkling with innocence.

9) Johnathan's timidity was in his voice that slightly trembled yet a glimmer of hope was on his face. >> Again, this seems to be the angel's POV.

10) Trophimus laughed. "No dear one. >> Comma after 'no.'

Good luck on the contest!

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Review of Elementalist  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter 1" Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Bajuwa!

Great beginning to your story here! I felt such empathy for the character in the very beginning and am now wondering what will become of her and how the new character introduced after will effect her seemingly hopeless fate.

I made a few notes as I read and hope you find the suggestions helpful. :)

1) For me, it is much easier to read longer pieces of writing when the space option is utilized when creating the static item, thus leaving an extra line between paragraphs.

2) Fearful of being crushed by the suffocating darkness, >> This is so close to repeating what is said in the line above, I wonder if you could reword a bit to better hold the reader's interest?

3) 'This is what I deserve. I failed. I failed my tribesmen. I failed my Fathers, Mothers, Sisters and Brothers.' She thought as she slowly gave herself up to the darkness. >> The punctuation is off just a bit here, I believe. >>
'This is what I deserve. I failed. I failed my tribesmen. I failed my Fathers, Mothers, Sisters and Brothers,' she thought as she slowly gave herself up to the darkness.

4) If not, it would surely be suffering the same fate as she was. >> I don't know if it is correct to do this or not, but I want to take off the 'was' from the end of this sentence.

5) The small glade they had settled in was relatively small, >> 'Small' twice. maybe delete the first?

6) "In that case I'll go grab us some berries. 'Grab' again. Maybe change this one to 'gather'?

7) Stepping back a little to let her eyes focus, she set her eyes upon the object he had been pressing upon her. >> I think you might get away with 'he pressed upon her' here to make it less passive sounding.

8) Yet when they had entered and lived in the city... >> Comma after 'yet.'

9) She gave him a slight smirk as she grabbed the armlet and began fitting it around her left forearm. >> I am told you should avoid phrases like 'began to' as it takes away from a powerful sentence. >>
She gave him a slight smirk as she grabbed the armlet and fitted it around her left forearm.

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24
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Review of Moons of Hizara  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Henry!

Wow, what a intricate tale you have woven here in so few words. The characters were believable and easy to empathize with. I wonder after reading what feels like an introduction to the story if there might be more. I'll have to delve into your port to see.

Great job!

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25
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Tyryn,

Wow, excellent story. The tone resonated with me from the very beginning--helplessness and yet determination to not fail at all costs, literally. The bond in 'real' life between twins is said to be unique, but you take this bond into whole other dimension with Fey and Ryn.

I didn't see a single thing that I might change if this were my work, therefore have no other suggestion than this: Keep writing--this is what you were born to do. :)

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