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85 Public Reviews Given
93 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I review stories, novels and novellas if: (1) I like the story, (2) I can see it has potential (and I can point out more positive things or things I like about it than negative things), and (3) I feel like I have the expertise or can make helpful suggestions for how the writer might improve the craft of their story. If there's too many problems with it, chances are I won't review because I strive to be honest and to give all my thoughts and opinions for the story, and I'd hate to send a negative review or one that only points out a few areas the writer can improve in when in fact there are many more that go unaddressed. I don't often review poetry because I don't write or read poetry very often, so I don't feel that my review would be very helpful, particularly in terms of craft and technique.
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Review of Perfection  Open in new Window.
Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi outloudgirl!

I found this first chapter on the hub page as a random read and I was so impressed and intrigued by this story that I read a few other pieces in your port.

Outloudgirl, before I start, just remember that any suggestions I make are my own, and that you can completely ignore them if you wish!

The first thing that drew me into your piece was the title, since this is something I often struggle with - the difference between perfection and how impossible it is to attain - but then I read the description about Cali, the teenage girl living with cancer, and I just had to read on.

A lot of stories draw me in by their descriptions, but I can tell you that this one made, in my mind at least, the top of the best seller list. This is one of those storylines that really goes out to the audience, that clenches my heart in its grip and holds on so tight that I can't let go. Your writing in this chapter and in other similar pieces in your port is so heartfelt and pure that it touches me emotionally and draws me right into the story from the first moment. I want to know more about Cali, I want to know if she's going to be okay and I want to see how her life changes as a result of finding out she has cancer.

You stop at nothing in your descriptions and leave very little unsaid in this opening chapter, something that is momentarily shocking but which has really good results overall. I feel this story as though Cali's pain is my pain, and I worry and sympathise with her more than I find possible in many other books I've read before.

Cali's want to keep things the same is both her greatest strength and biggest weakness. It shows the strength of her character and her determination as a person to prevent herself from being vulnerable in the eyes of others. This is one of my greatest fears and something that I often explore in my own writing, and perhaps this is the reason why this story brings up a lot of emotions for me. But on the flip side it is also her biggest weakness, not only because if someone at school found out (which seems to have happened at the end of this chapter) her fears of being vulnerable would be realised, but also because in trying not to change she might potentially forget how important it is for her to be looking after herself and putting herself first, and not just because she has cancer.

I really feel for Cali's mother as well in her need to be strong in the face of everything that's happened to her daughter and her quiet attempts to get Cali to eat while understanding her daughter's worries about other people thinking she's pregnant. She too seems to be trying to make everything seem normal, like nothing's changed, and while this is almost sad it's also, I think, going to be the thing that will change most throughout the story. Not only will Cali struggle with issues of identity, about what other people think of her, about whether they really like her or just feel sorry for her, etc, but her mother will eventually have to come to terms with the fact that she needs to recognise her daughter's illness in order to properly look after her.

This story feels very real, and there's a lot of detail here that deep thinking or knowledge or first-hand experience on the subject would provide. This is truly a beautiful story, something that I really hope you will continue in the future.

In terms of suggestions for change, there are a few spelling/grammar mistakes in this piece and I think it will be possible to extend this chapter through showing more than telling. For instance, you might consider showing us the effects of having a single mother as a parent rather than just saying Cali's father died when she was three. You might also talk a bit more about cruising down the road, what Cali's thinking and feeling this morning - until she meets with shock the students out the front of the school. But again, these are only suggestions, so feel free to ignore them. It's the storyline that is your greatest asset in this piece, one that is destined to sell.

Thank you so much for sharing this piece, outloudgirl. I've really enjoyed what you've written so far and would love to read more in the future!

Best wishes and write on!

Melzgr8
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Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Kirsen!

Wow, this is a really strong piece, full of motivational images. Your writing is really inspiring, and I love the strength of your words, which holds no space for doubt, and the tone of this piece, which goes ahead and doesn't look back. The creative images you use really take hold in my mind and stay with me throughout the piece, but no more so than the pheonix, which you use so well to describe the way we must bounce back from life's hardships and move into the bright future that is full of possibilities.

The only suggestion I could make would be where the word 'loose' is meant to be 'lose' towards the end of this piece. Great piece! Thanks so much for sharing and for giving me the opportunity to review!

Write on!

Melzgr8
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Review of Disco Lights  Open in new Window.
Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Alicia Twinn!

Thanks so much for sharing this piece! The opening of the beach scene really takes me away and I like how you use similies to connect the sunset to disco lights. There's also a lot of background in this piece, suggestions at the types of lives your characters lead, their relationship, and perhaps a hint of the story that came before.

While you say in the description that you don't know what this piece is, I might have an answer for you. *Smile* I think it's an excellent scene to use as a starting point for a longer story, if you want, or a poem, or anything else that takes your fancy. You already have two of your characters written about, and can use what you've got here to make them even more realistic. You could also start asking yourself questions that will make more scenes from the one you've just written. Why, for example, does the person who's speaking (I'm assuming it's a woman), cry when the other person (who appears to be her boyfriend) says he loves her? Is it merely the strength of her emotion? What emotion would that be and where did it come from, how did it build? Questions like that. *Smile*

I also like the tone of this piece and how the speaker seems to be narrating the story to another person after the event happened. It's kind of a mix of first person and second person perspective and I find it very intriguing.

This is a nice short couple of scenes that give us a glimpse of the relationship between these two characters. I really hope this review helps you in some way, though please remember that the above suggestions are just my thoughts on your piece and you can ignore them if you wish!

Thanks again for sharing this piece and giving me the opportunity to review!

Kindest regards and write on!

Melzgr8
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Review of ARREST ME!  Open in new Window.
Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi christo!

There is such energy, such fire in this poem that really lifts my emotions as I read it. I love how unrestrained the poem is in its layout and movement on the page, seeming to mirror the theme of breaking the rules and just letting go and being free. I love the daring attitude of the speaker in the poem and really side with them throughout.

The lack of grammer in the poem also adds to this feel of breaking from the bounds of the tradional and doing just what feels good - and it works!

I can't give you any advice on the technical side of this poem since I'm not much of a poet but I can say that it really does its job in carrying emotion in the most effective way to the reader. Thanks so much for sharing this piece!

All the best and write on!

Melzgr8
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Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi again!

Ah, this story kicks off right from the first sentence. The suspense builds perfectly throughout the piece, really gripping me in the places that Luna seems to know so much more about the thing watching her than Mari and yet can't convey that knowledge to her. The piece reads like a chapter in a published novel - you seem to have just the right amount of dialogue and description to keep the story interesting and the tension building at the same time!

Mari behaves very realistically, and that's what makes the story even more scary - the idea that even when strange things start to happen around us and we sense that we're in danger, we still tell ourselves that we're being silly and that there's a rational explanation for it. Of course, this always has very negative, even fatal consequences!

The back-story (explanations of why Mari is here and what she expects to be doing) is placed just right, while the slips into the bad thing's point of view are very effective at assuring the reader that Mari isn't just imagining it - there really is something out there wanting to kill her.

I think the scariest thing about this story is that Mari still rationalises everything that's happened even when it's obvious something much stranger is happening than a dog getting too close to the fire. And yet Mari, in being in this unfamiliar house with an equally unfamiliar pet means she's unlikely to recognise the smaller movements Luna shows that might suggest things that her actual owners would recognise as fear. Not as though it would save her life, though - the bad thing shows that it's just playing with her and it would have killed her regardless.

Another creepy moment comes with Mari's search through the DVDs - and the translation: 'The Hills Have Eyes' - that's very creepy, particularly in this already suspenseful moment!

For such a seemingly normal occasion, this story really works to make the normal and even mundane suspenseful and really scary!

Thanks for sharing this piece! I love it!

All the best and write on!

Melzgr8
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Review of Stocking Stuffer  Open in new Window.
Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Mike!

Great poem! I really love what you've done with the prompt for the writer's cramp competition. The humorous tone makes it a fun read and the rhyming lines remind me so much of 'The Night Before Christmas'. They work so well to keep the poem flowing and fun.

The ending really works to inspire the imagination and rounds of the poem in a beautiful way with true holiday spirit.

I can think of no improvements to this piece. Good luck with the competition!

All the best and write on!

Melzgr8
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Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi again!

So I thought I'd take a look at this chapter again and see where things were going to go and what was going to happen next! The thing that really stands out for me is the thought and time and effort you've put into making some really interesting settings that reflect the tone of this piece! The graffiti, the blood stains, the broken cars - all these things work to make the story so much more intriguing and real.

You've definitely created an interesting enemy that your characters will have to face! I mean, not just that these things used to be human, but that they seem to not realise that there are more of each other - and that they have the advantage of telling each other when food's around.

What I would suggest would be to look into some punctuation - particularly commas, and when to use them in this story. It will definitely help get the story across in the best possible way. But this is just a suggestion, and I really hope you don't take it the wrong way.

All the best with this story! Feel free to email with any questions/comments!

Melzgr8

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
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Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi there!

I hope you don't mind me reviewing 'Glass Cities'? I really like the title name, by the way! From what I've read here, you've definitely got a good understanding of fast-paced action and how to make it work! You're also really good at describing the gory details of the maimed bodies on the street.

I like the way you focus on different elements of the street to give us a good picture of what the place looks like. I also like the line 'shopping bags dangling from their wrists and food falling from their mouths', but I would suggest writing this description in a more free-flowing kind of way. What I mean by this is to relate it to Koen's actions as he moves down the street, slowly noticing this information rather than showing it all at once. But it's just a suggestion, and you can ignore it if you wish!

I actually find it a little bit strange that everyone is looking at Koen. Is it, perhaps, due to strange clothes or brightly coloured hair? I mean, I know he has hero-like tendencies, and is therefore a very likable character and very cool. I mean, wouldn't it be easier if no one was looking at him weirdly, since he's a cop/FBI/something else and needs to fit into the background?

You've definitely created a really interesting storyline! I haven't read many spy novels or watched many movies about this kind of thing, but what you've written sounds really plausible in a government cover-up, survivors fighting against the world kind of way. I wonder why Koen did that 'Red 070' thing, now knowing what he's done to the whole population!

This is, again, just a suggestion, but when the woman smashes through the window, perhaps consider writing about the sound of it - the smash and tinkling of glass, perhaps even a scream or shout (if not from the woman herself, than from those who see it happening). At the moment your character just seems to notice it indifferently... was he expecting something like this to happen? If so, wouldn't he have an 'About time' kind of attitude in regard to it?

The storyline is really creative and I like what you've done here! But I would also suggest that when describing the minor characters - like the woman who smashes through the window, for example - that you give the reader a couple of details about each person. At the moment it's hard to tell the woman on the street dying/dead from the woman who is rushing to help her because they're both labelled as 'the woman'. You could, for example, say that 'the woman wearing the striped shirt' or the 'large woman with a handbag' or something - these little details would make all the difference in helping your readers to tell one character from another.

But wow! That woman just died and now she's eating the live woman! I like the precise measures you've used to describe her movement, as I think this is the kind of thing an FBI agent/cop would notice. I can't believe Koen did this! I wonder if he knew... I guess I'll see in the next chapter, huh? But I really like this story! I think you've got a really good storyline and really interesting ideas. I like your characters, despite now knowing what Koen did! And he's got such an interesting name, which I love!

Thanks so much for sharing this piece and for giving me the opportunity to review!

All the best!

Melzgr8


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
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Review of Boring.  Open in new Window.
Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya Malister remembers...!

I know you call this piece 'boring', and you emphasised that on the plug page description, but this is anything but! The monotonous tone in the beginning of the piece relaxes the reader and lulls them into a false sense of tediousness, but the humour begins with the second sentence: 'Even his death would probably be boring'. From there the story surprises and entertains with the sudden twist - and the humourous ending which states 'Even vampires need accountants'.

Nicely done! I'm kinda surprised to see that it's your second 55-word contest entry ever! This entry is really impressive!

Good luck with the competition!

Melzgr8

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
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Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Tyryn!

I'm so pleased to see that you've added to this story - so now there's more for me to review! Since I've checked over the prologue, I'll be focusing on the first chapter here. *Smile*

I noticed that you've changed the characters names since the last review, and I'm happy that you did so, because it's so much easier to tell which character is which.

So, from the top...

The first paragraph of this chapter really pulls me in through the injustice of the events described. As I read this piece, watching as the burly men grab the twins' mother and push them into the bush - that's enough to make me want to fight out on their part. It makes it even worse (for your characters, I mean!) that they are defenseless due to the magic block and can't possibly help their mother. *Worry* Why would someone do that to them? Will they have a chance to save their mother or at least take some form of revenge on the burly men? I read on to find out...

I like the way you describe how magic is used against their mother, but I would suggest using a bit more emotion to give this scene the attention it deserves. It feels strange to read all the terrible things that are happening to their mother and not to be told what either she or the twins are feeling... The last sentence explains this with regard to how the twins had become dizzied and disorientated from being pushed away, but it makes me wonder, assuming that we're watching the scene from Ryn or Fey's point of view, how we could have witnessed this when they were kind of disorientated. But despite this, I still feel enraged by their lack of power, by the fact that these other men have deliberately weakened the twins and their mother.

I don't think all the commas are needed in 'Their mother had separated them when they were two, and Fey…'

The sentence beginning 'Rational even through tears' is kind of complex and a bit hard to understand. Maybe break it into two sentences?

'because his nose was too stuffed up (from?) crying.'

Wow, again I'm so interested by this strength of the bond between twins, and how when these twins separate they are physically weakened as a result. Again, it feels like both a strength and a weakness for them to exist this way. A strength, because at least they'll know they always have each other, and a weakness because if they're ever by any chance separated, they'll be doubly weakened by the dizzying sensation this separation has on their minds.

I love how Fey tries to hard to save his brother in this moment of great fear and weakness as he watches his mother bashed from that area that drains magic. The sacrifice he has to make is really touching. It's also really sweet how the brothers support each other in this piece, despite their weakened state. *Smile*

The woman at the end of this chapter is really intriguing. I wonder who she is, what she'll have to do with the lives of Ryn and Fey. It seems strange that the brothers can see her (at least, compared to what she's used to!), and that's an intriguing matter in itself. Was it destiny that they can see her? What will happen next?

This is an effective and exciting addition to your story, Tyryn! It's an emotionally-driven story of love and forgiveness and sacrifice mixed with family bonds that can be hard to break. The storyline is touching, particularly with regard to the way the twins support each other, and how they can't seem to exist without each other. I'm still wondering about what will come next, but I guess I'll have to wait until the next installment to find out!

All the best!

Melzgr8

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
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Review of Alone in a crowd  Open in new Window.
Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Poemweaver!

I really like this poem, 'Alone in a crowd'. Thanks so much for sharing and for giving me the opportunity to review! *Smile*

Stanza 1:

I like the connection between the poem's title and its first line. The words 'her life is but an empty dream' really add to the feeling of loneliness , almost to the point of losing existence altogether as no one seems to notice this poor girl. It also relates to how we can so easily ignore the poorest of our societies, that they long to be seen, to have their situation changed. If we noticed them, if we tried to make a change, perhaps things would be different for a lot of people living on the streets…

Stanza 2:

I like the way this stanza captures the age of the young girl compared to the way she appears - like life's stresses have made her prematurely age, and that she's had to grow up a lot in a short time to survive. The simple things like finding money for food - these simple actions which are often given to the adults of the family are here thrust upon the young shoulders of this young girl on the street.

But nothing speaks to me more in this stanza than the last line: 'She's wrapped up in her own little world'. Aside from her thoughts constantly revolving around her food, her life, how she'll survive, being 'wrapped up' suggests she's in a blanket - and the blanket is her whole world, it's all she has. The double meaning of this line is really effective in summing up her situation and helping us understand her vulnerability, how she doesn't appear to belong there, but life's circumstances have put her in this situation.

Stanza 3:

The feeling of being unable to help, of the thoughts surrounding homeless people in general society - that they're somehow dirty or deserving of their situation. In many ways those of us who notice injustice, but we feel incapable of doing anything more.

Stanza 4:

Again, the feelings that surround this difference of the poor and others, the difficulty in making the connection, of changing life for those who are most unfortunate.

Stanza 5:

I really like the way you end this poem with the man wishing he could do more. It reflects the ideas that you have created the poem about injustice, about society's inability to do more. I think the 5 line stanza makes this one feel a bit strange to read because it's so different to the other ones. I'm also not sure about the romantic themes that come out in this last stanza, but I like the way that the speaker is so open about these things, about how he understands her situation. I also like the way that both the homeless girl and the man are 'alone in a crowd' - for the girl this comes mostly from being ignored; for the man it's because of his difference to those who surround him - the fact that he was the only person to look, to care, to want to make a change.

Nice work on this poem, Poemweaver! It's really inspiring to think that this poem was created out of a simple moment in time. Through sharing this poem with others we can all focus on the most vulnerable people of the world, to notice them and change their lives for the better.

I hope we can all be alone in a crowd, if only that it means we can make a change for the better. *Smile*

Nice work on this one! Again, thanks so much for sharing! *BigSmile*

Melzgr8

PS - Please don't think any less of this review just because I entered it in a competition! I promise that all opinions expressed here are completely my own - the competition has no bearing on this review! *Smile*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
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Review of Blue M&M  Open in new Window.
Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi ellis! (or should I call you 'Eleazar Orozco'? *Smile*

This is an amazing story, one that takes me on a fascinating journey, if only through the many ways that I look at the situation/characters as more information is revealed.

I think it's the strangeness of the title that really drew me to this story - and I have to say that I wasn't in the least bit disappointed by what I read here! The references to the blue pill throughout the piece are really intriguing and draw me into the storyline. I like the way that the pill is seen through John's eyes as he considers how it would look to a child: like a blue M&M.

The opening paragraphs really work to set the scene, to show the distance John has from his family and the growing sense of emptiness that he feels as a result of his wife's death (This was my feeling as I read it the first time - without knowing the truth of the situation). It really is amazing how you construct these opening paragraphs to not only draw the reader in, but to make them feel sorry for John and hate the relatives (especially Jill!) who seem to be making his life so much harder than it should be. I really did (and still do, as the story continues and I find out more) feel sorry for John. As a writer I greatly applaud you for how far you've gotten into your character's mind, including those details such as walking into the kitchen and not remembering why, which really makes your character come to life. These small details really give your story a huge advantage in the writing community! Not only do they make your story feel very real to your readers, but they show your abilities as a really great writer who is able to envision and describe such a complex world - emotions, relationships and all!

I don't think you need a comma between 'she said' and 'as she straightened her velvet, black veiled hat'. I love the insights into Jill's emotions. I love your insight into Jill's emotions, the way that she seems to be playing it up. In contrast your character John is very likable, very understandable and realistic. It's so easy to side with him.

I'd also suggest you put his thoughts in italics, just to separate these from the main text.

Having said that, I'd also put a comma in 'Jill paused for a moment, as if in deep thought'. I love the way John avoids her, how he pretends to see someone else that he needs to hug. Again, the way he sees the situation, the negative light his thoughts cast on the way things are, while at the same time being so believable and right.

Again, a comma is probably needed in 'He closed his eyes, wishing his life was a DVD player so he could push the "skip" button.' I love this line, the way he stands in the kitchen by himself, the way he tries to distract himself from the family, to hide. I love how he mutters to himself 'One more day', just taking things one step at a time. Again, your understanding of your character makes this story so realistic and so amazingly delightful to read.

'He knew that nothing infuriated Kathy's family more than not getting their way' - again, so realistic, and so beautifully written. This generalisation regarding the whole family of the wife he's lost, again, the distance that has been created between them, the distance that he wants to increase. I want him to get as far away from these people as possible. I know how it is, with all the obligatory hugs and that, but you really don't want to do it. It's strange how terrible things can cause us to come together - physically, if not emotionally, that is!

I love how the pill continues to show up throughout the story, drawing my attention and intriguing me. I can't be completely sure what it means… or what it will do… but I like John so much - I don't want him to commit suicide. Think of his children!

How strange that she had died that way…

It pains me to read about how their mother's death has affected the children. It's so sad, but again, you've put so much detail in this piece that it really makes my senses come alive and the story jump off the page. This is a really amazing piece!

Oh … I'm almost choking as that revelation comes out. He killed his wife?! How horrible … and he's thinking of killing his daughter! That's shocking… and disturbing… 'not have to endure the pain of life as he did' - I guess that sums it up for him, the sad way he thinks of his life, the reason why he would decide to kill his poor children.

I'm almost brought to tears as I read the death of Veronica - and the way that John watches her after it. It's so sad and so disturbing, the difference between the way I initially understood this piece and the way I do now. I really wish Jill had taken the children before. Oh, how I wish that had happened…

Oh, the way Veronica looks after her death - it's like a Stephen King horror novel! It's so disturbing, and yet described so well that I want to keep reading. How is it possible that I still feel pity for John, even after everything he's done? It must be your skill as a writer, ellis!

The way he speaks to little Timmy! 'Sissy's sick. Don't bother her.' - it sounds so cold, so distant, so horrible. He makes up for it through the hair tousle… but I know it will all be meaningless in time. I have a feeling he will come to kill this child as well.

Oh, thank god that he's dead and Timmy's still here. The only different way that I could suggest ending this would be to keep it in John's perspective, perhaps to see him packing when he gets a tight feeling in his chest, like someone had kicked him in the guts. He realises what's happened just as he dies...

I really love this story, ellis! You've done an amazing job in writing this piece! I hope you don't mind my running commentary of reactions to your piece - as a writer I often find it helpful in reviews, rather than the usual generalisations about the piece.

You've done an amazing job in this story! I can tell from this piece that you're an amazing writer and deserve all the positive feedback you've surely received on this piece!

Write on!

Melzgr8

PS - I hope you don't think any less of my review because it's entered in a competition. I can promise you that I mean everything I've written here.*Smile*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..




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Review of Her  Open in new Window.
Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Kim!

I quite like this poem - it's very true to how I often feel, liking a guy and finding that his heart, his smile have already been stolen by someone else...

I don't know how helpful my review will be, considering that I haven't written much poetry and I write very little of it, but I'll give you an idea of what I think of it, as best I can!

I like how you make the connection between the narrator and the love interest in the first two lines, and then almost break this slowly apart as the narrator begins 'searching his face' for 'some feeling' - this changes the tone of the poem, making the reader realise that it might not be love after all. Or, perhaps not shared love, as we'll find out.

"The memory of the way he used to look,/It looks the same." - that's also very truthful to my own experiences. It's that idea that everything's changed, and yet they're the same person, they look just the way that they used to, but now they're not smiling at you in the way you wanted them to.

"Hope reaches out" - I like that line, the way that the narrator is reaching out with hope, but it's written so creatively and so refreshingly.

I also like "Wanting to hold him tight,/Wanting him to hold me." It seems that the narrator is asking for one simple thing: his affection, but then they reconsider that they want him to initiate the relationship by holding the narrator, rather than the other way around.

I also like the way that you break the last line of the poem from the rest. It gives it a certain distinction, separates its meaning from the rest of the poem. It jolts the reader, similar to the effect that the narrator feels as they are jolted back into reality and realise that their love interest is already in love with someone else.

Nice work with this poem, Kim! I hope this review has helped!

All the best,

Melzgr8
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Review of Revelation  Open in new Window.
Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey Denny J!

Let me say that I absolutely LOVE this story! From the first few sentences I'm completely entralled by this piece. I love your hypnotic style of writing (as I'm sure you know!), which is captured so well in this story through the effortless flow of senteces including "Invisible by choice rather than mysticism: unseen because he simply wished it, and in the wishing caused it to be so." Ah, it's those moment that really take my breath away!

By the second paragraph I know I'm not going to be able to put this one down. I love how you capture the scene through even the smallest of details, such as the 'occasional roving eye' passage, which describes beautifully how the vampire is invisible without using the typical descriptions of other writers, something like 'He dodges the people because they can't see them...'

"Death walked amongst them this torpid summer's eve, and brough with it a graveyard air." WOW! What can I say about that ... besides that it's AMAZING! Seriously amazing! It sets the tone of this character's mind (it seems almost shameful to call him a 'character' - he feels so real to me!), perfectly capturing the way he sees and understands himself and the way that he looks down on those mortal humans around him.

"Long had it been since they had held any significance to him other than as a source of sustenance." Wow, that's chilling. It's really strange to see people represented in this way, and through the eyes of a seemingly emotionless being who drinks human's blood. But again, it's written so well that it is so believable and really draws my attention as a reader!

"when both he and the earth had been far more naïve" - I love the connection made her, the quiet sense of equality, like brothers.

"He had swept across the lands as a ravening scythe through ripening wheat, and it had been glorious." - this is so clear in my mind, and the way of describing it is so refreshingly different. That refreshing difference is the mark of a brilliant storyteller, and you are one, my friend.

"He found their theatrically overstated affections of the macabre humorous." - I like the power of this statement, the way he looks down on us, but does it through a completely different way to what I'm used to reading. It's really great, getting into his mind, feeling his power, his determination to make himself known and important once more. "What little these dimensionless creatures truly knew of the darkness." - this sentence is strangely peaceful to read. It makes me feel blissful in my ignorance of knowing very little about the darkness. It also shows the depth of feelings, of self-hate (or something like it) - perhaps more the strength of the emotions that he feels or has felt, during the loooooooooong existance he's had so far.

Wow, I have to admit that the following bit was so much more gory than I had expected, and yet it is written so well that even people who don't like gore wouldn't be able to turn away! You've truly amazed me with this, mostly because it's so different to what I was expecting - in the best way ever! I suppose that with the world so involved with all these vampire romances at the moment, my mind's been trained to assume that there would somehow be romance in this piece. At a few moments I was like 'is it here?' - particularly when he saw the pretty girl through the crowd, and then again when he placed his fingers below her breast - and then you completely shocked me (in a really good way, I must assure you!) with horrid images of a choking woman, her heart ripped out of her chest! What makes it even more impressive is the way you describe it to make it sound so believable! It's really amazing, what you've done here, well done!

Oh wow, now he's drinking her blood from her heart... That's really intense! Death is so poetic sometimes, and particularly in the way you describe it! There's no 'blood' here, only the humans' 'liquid essence', the 'wetly glistening aftermath' - amazing descriptions!


"They saw." I love how simply you move from him being invisible to right before their eyes, destroying them, eating them. This character is so believable and so powerful and so amazingly different that it's hard not to keep reading - if only to be shocked by what he's going to do next!

WOW! And the way that you end it - that this being is real, that he's coming … Oh my gosh, this story is amazing! I am so drawn to his power and yet disgusted by how he uses it, and even as the horror unfolds before my eyes, I can't possibly tear my eyes away! This is an amazing story, Denny J! Thank you so, so much for letting me read it!

I don't think I'll ever be able to think of vampires the same way again...

This is honestly a really amazing piece! I would suggest entering it in a competition. I know some of them allow pre-written pieces, though I can't be sure whether any are in the horror genre... Or perhaps you already have entered it in a competition and it's already won? I honestly wouldn't be surprised if that were true!

Thanks again for sharing!

Melzgr8
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Review of The puppet maker  Open in new Window.
Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey there Hermatt!

First let me say a big thanks for sharing this piece and giving me the opportunity to read and review!

I really like this! I can tell from the description that it's probably a piece you wrote off the top of your head, inspired by events occurring in real life! I know from experience that such impulsive writing based on a feeling or something we see/read can lead to really amazing writing - and this is exactly what you've done here!

I love the themes you've created, the connection between the puppet master and the man on the roof! Ideas of being controlled by a higher power are always picked up by a wide audience, but I love how you've dealt with this one, placing the reader in the puppet master's shoes, letting us watch as the story plays out before our eyes...

Really, really good job with this one! As a studying journalist I can tell you that the dialogue is realistic and reads well. I'm not complaining about the fact that the reporter is pretty and young, but it is sad that it seems television editors are only looking for young female good-looking reporters these days... So in that way it's true to life as well :)

I just have one small (possible) change - you might consider changing 'gonna' to 'going to' - just to increase the puppet master's credibility and to make him seem older, as 'gonna' is usually a word coined by youth. Oh, and there's a bit of movement between pupper 'maker' and 'master' - perhaps just choose one, considering the title is 'maker' it might be best to pick this one...

Overall, amazing job on this piece!

Kindest regards,

Melzgr8 :D
17
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Review of Stormy Days  Open in new Window.
Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey, nice work with this poem - it really captures the winter blues for me! I really like the line 'Faceless forms huddling under umbrellas' - it's so true! Not only do our faces become hidden beneath the umbrella, but people are more likely to act like strangers and walk with single-minded determination as they try to get out of the rain, making them seem cold and unfriendly, generally not human - like a faceless person!

Keep up the good work!

Melzgr8
18
18
Review of The Mist  Open in new Window.
Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This one's making me cry :)

It's so easy to lose faith in life, to come down hard and feel like you might never get back up again, but your piece is inspirational. I really like the meaning behind the name 'Angel' - like she is heavenly in her love for him and wants only the best for AB and the world.

I think I read somewhere about a contest for inspirational pieces, though I might be wrong. I'd suggest looking into it, though - this would be one fine entry!

Happy writing!

Melzgr8
19
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Review of It Was...  Open in new Window.
Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there!

Wow, that was an unexpected ending! I think this story really captures the relationships people form, share and build over the internet today and the connectivity between hands on the keyboard and an image on the screen like being there.

I like your description for this piece: 'Was it real or just a dream?' I'm still trying to work it out! The images in my mind of the women's presence behind the man was so clear that it's really surprising to read that the whole event took place over the internet!

Nice job on this piece! I will be sure to review some more of your work!

All the best,

Melzgr8 :)
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Review of The 3 Little Pigs  Open in new Window.
Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Aus!

I quite like this story - it brings back so many memories of childhood, but with an interesting twist! Te personification of the wolf from the original tale is nicely built on here, giving a very different impression of the original story, but nevertheless a good one!

Keep up the great work!

Melzgr8
21
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Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Pony!

Thank you so much for sharing your piece 'All Our Stories' and giving me the opportunity to review it for you! :D

As you posted this on the 'plug' page, I'm assuming you want a close consideration of your work. Please keep in mind, however, that the work is completely your own. The following are just my thoughts and suggestions, so you can consider them or disregard them as you like :)

While your piece is titled 'All Our Stories', it was the description that got me reading your story from the plug page and the theme of demon possession that kept me there :) I think you've got a really good theme going here - ideas of giving in to the voices in your head, deciding whether to fight or just to give in - these are themes that are applicable to real life, and so are very intriguing and understandable in your text.

I particularly like the paragraph beginning with 'Come now, child' to 'making the creature seem impossible of life' - the description of the demon was so good and unexpected that I was holding my breath in a mixture of excitement and repulsion. That's a compliment, by the way - the demon as you described it, running a finger over her chin... That's a really creepy, really exciting description so well done!

I like the subtle connections you made with the bird-like teacher through her 'beady blue eyes' and the way you draw attention to her long nose (like a beak) by saying that she had a pair of spectacles perched there - nicely done. Aside from the images your story created in my head, I also got the phrase 'Watching like a hawk' in regard to the ferocity of those beady eyes watching Dalila at her desk, daydreaming in maths class. :D

While the bird-like term 'screeched' continues this theme on as Mrs Sparks talks, I think the backtracking feeling I get when reading this bit slows it down. Instead, you could write ' "To the principal's office now," Mrs Sparks screeched' if you want to keep the word in, or, even more concisely, "To the principal's office. Now!"

Smilarly, I think the phrase slightly further down could be more directly written 'The school year had only been in session for two months and this was already my third time to the office for "daydreaming". Last year...'

'Gangsworth' is a really cool last name and very appropriate for the Vice Principal! Before I even read about him I know he's going to be a mean, nasty character. How inventive! I often struggle to find last names for my characters, but you've done so well with him!

I love the metaphor 'the maze of white hallways' in regard to the school :)

I also really love when there's telepathic communication in stories and I love to see how this is represented in the text. Your forward slashes work, though I have also seen it represented in books like this:

|Look through the window, Dalila|

'It was gym for the rest of the class, anyway, considering my health conditions.' I'm nor sure what you mean by this. Health conditions? Is music class like a workout at the gym for her?

I'm really fascinated by that concept of looking through the window to see the grusome scene that isn't actually there. You've done so well in making this scene work and describing it in a way that really draws your reader in. The grossness of the toys and the way they are laid out is chilling. Your vision of them as 'Cold, dead children' is really quite sickening - though I'm sure this is the effect you were going for here! I love it! :D

There's just one small point I want to make here, though, in regard to the opening of this section. It seems a bit anticlimatic to read that she stifled a scream and to begin the next paragraph with the vision that there were toys inside the room. I know your description of the toys is creepy, but perhaps a groan or 'felt my stomach twist with revulsion' would be better placed here?

'/Your fate lies here./' - That's such a powerful phrase and it really shows the importance of this room and the dream-like place she's in. Despite this, it is somewhat confusing. What does Dalila have to do here? Does it mean that she's going to become one of the dolls? That she is one of the dolls? It's a gripping description, a really interesting scene, but you'll need to explain its importance a little bit more, I think.

'getting my hand slapped with a ruler so hard, my hand bled' - I'm not sure this is realistic. It's true that there would be a bright red line from the impact, but it's hard to imagine how this would result in blood. You can still have your character head to the bathroom next to chill out, even if it doesn't involve wrapping her hand in toilet paper! :)

'but the voices had told me to fail. Something important was to be held here, in this grade'. The idea that her life is run completely by these demons, that it links so closely with her life at school that the two connect - these are really interesting ideas. I don't question why she follows the demons' instructions, but assume it's like she's been possessed. It's funny - right as I was reading this part, I was thinking about how it's close to some kind of a psychotic episode, but you've considered this as well when she's in the nurse's office! It's a really scary place to be, though, and trying to hold up a 'normal' life while seeing these things, hearing those voices in your head - it's something so easily enjoyed in your story, but it must be terrifying in real life...

Watching the boy choke was a moment of high tension, but surely your character would want to stop it? Surely as she watches it, her eyes widen and perhaps she even cries out in panic and fear? That's what I would do if some guy was choking in front of me, and to make your character even more realistic, it's probably important to consider what you would do in the same situation.

'Problems only became worse whenever you tried to cure them' - this provides an interesting insight into your character and explains why she hasn't fought against the demons, almost as though she prefers to just accept that things are the way they are and there's no point in trying to change them.

I think one good suggestion for this piece would be not to focus on minute details so much. How often do we really take in the exact colour of the classroom walls? Providing details such as these suggests that there was nothing more interesting in the room to describe. We often glance over things without seeing most of that which surrounds us. It's enough for Dalila to look up and for the poster to catch her eye, beginning with the word 'Voices'.

The idea of Dalia killing her parents because it's what the demons told her to do is really intriguing and surprising and works really well in this story. I think you might need to change the age of your character when this happened, however. I doubt that a two year old would remember minute details about the rain pouring outside and the parents always fighting. My first memory is at four when my little sister was born, and even then this is a particularly foggy memory. Perhaps if Dalila was a little older (six, perhaps even seven or eight), she would be able to precisely recall those details you gave in this scene. Older children tend to pick up on these things, while really young ones don't seem to perceive things other than what they're doing at the time.

The orphanage once being an insane asylum is a very cool idea, especially considering Dalila's possible insanity. It adds an edge to the place.

'The majority of the people staying in the orphanage went insane by their first year' to 'the few of us that escaped were mentally unstable'. I'm not sure whether this is realistic enough to be believed. A place full of crazy people would probably be picked up by the government and turned back into a mental asylum, perhaps even boarded up. I think it's enough to say that the place used to be an insane asylum - that's enough foreshadowing to hint at the possible insanity of your character.

While a description of the orphanage is important, perhaps you could mirror the scariness of this place in the description (a bit like you did with the bird-like teacher!). 'The windows had white stone around them' (like pupiless eyes?); 'rectangular, slim windows' (looked out of the oak doors, watching over the surrounding area?) Descriptions that give the orphanage some personality will make the setting a character in iteself, and this will truly draw in the readers and make them as curious about the orphanage as we already are about the demons :)

I like this phrase: 'Many of the white limestone headstones were knocked over or weathered past recogniion'. This is very evokative and puts a clear image in my mnd.

The ending has interesting themes, and I feel sure that you will develop these in coming chapters. I think, perhaps, that finding the grave could be the first step in getting rid of that particular demon in a long line of steps, possibly including finding out more about the asylum and the people who stayed there, perhaps even contacting other children who have been (and maybe even still are) haunted by demons or even going to a kind of demonologist in the hope of exorcising it/them.

Overall, I think you've got some really good ideas that are worthy of turning into a full novel. I love the movement into gruesome visions of the world (such as with the dolls) and the way that these demons continue to influence Dalila's life so strongly. You've got an amazing storyline here with so much potential, and the themes are so well built that you coud go almost anywhere with them and still hold your readers' attention.

If this was to become a novel and this was the opening chapter, I would advise beginning with a strong image - perhaps the demons talking in her head? It's all up to you, though, and once you've posted more of this story up and I've got a better understanding of where you're intending to move the story, I can offer better suggestions.

Again, if this was to become a novel and this the opening chapter, I think you could leave the bit about Dalila killing her parents to later, perhaps when the reader feels as though they know her better. Sometimes it helps to think of the story as though your character is letting us follow her life during the story. At the moment I barely know her, and I hardly think she'd come out about murdering her parents during our first meeting together! I also think she might feel guilty about it, maybe even angry at herself and her demons for landing her in the orphanage and leaving her life so broken and disturbed.

I'm not sure whether you'll want to explore this idea, but as a reader I wonder when the demons started haunting her and why they picked her. If they chose Dalila as a baby, perhaps there were signs? An evil talisman disguised as a charm and presented to her as a baby? The floorboards beneath her crib painted with a demonic sign, perhaps even hidden under the carpet and unknown to the parents? These are just suggestions, though. I even wonder whether Dalila takes a trip to the library to explore the history of her demons further? As they had once lived on earth, what had made them so evil?

You've created a really good story with engaging, amazing ideas. The line 'what wonderful puppets we are' is so curious that it drew me into your story straight away, while the tagline 'A little girl is plagued by demons' is really interesting - it's what drew me to read your story in the first place :)

I hope my suggestions didn't offend you and that you are willing to let me read and even review some more of this story. It's got me hooked, and that's a sure sign of success. Much of the pacing and plot fits well where it is and will require only rewriting with a few changes to make improvements to this piece. I think you will find huge success by modifying the opening lines of this piece and drawing readers in straight away as then they will be more likely to read the whole piece and review at the end, like me! :D

I'm really excited about what you've written here - it sounds very promising and sure to make a great novel (assuming you're heading that way!) You've mastered some exciting elements of horror fiction without resorting to the stereotypical 'blood and guts' novel that we get so often. There's a true art to describing things in a way that grosses the reader out without overtly using blood and violence, and I think you're well on the way to reaching it!

I'd love to read more of this story. I hope you'll let me :)

Please feel free to email me with any questions/comments/thoughts. I'd love to hear from you and see what you think!

Happy writing!

Melzgr8





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Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi nadeem!

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read and review your short story 'Experimental Treatment'!

I really like this story - so much that I would love if it were expanded into a novel! Your writing is clear and quickly engages the reader. It has a real psychological thriller edge to it, due I think to Matthew's inability to change the situation he is in while being tormented by the reality and the pain he has to power to stop.

I also love the movement into Matthew's memory - I could see this scene very clearly in my mind as a kind of movie technique where through the pain everything kind of fades and suddenly the new setting is very clear. If this short story were to be turned into a novel, I think backstory would be easily developed through a series of these movement into the past, easily contrasted with Matthew's current pain and torment. It's just an idea, though - you can dismiss this comment if you wish :)

Psychological thrillers of this type are always very popular, especially with readers and writers of the horror/thriller genre like me :)

Again, thanks for sharing your work. Feel free to email me with any thoughts/concerns/questions.

All the best for the future and above all, keep writing! :D

Melzgr8
23
23
Review by melzgr8 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi RedIniquity!

Thank you for allowing me to read and review Chapter One of DreamLand. Please note that the following criticism is my opinion only - you can use it or disregard it as you wish :)

I think the strongest part of this chapter is acually at the end, where dialogue meets description to engage the reader into the lives of your characters. What attracted me to this piece was your description of this chapter and the juxtaposition between dreams and nightmares and again, dreams and reality.

I feel that focusing more on your characters (that is, Joven's emotions, thoughts, ideas, etc) would greatly improve this piece, as the description is quite word-heavy. While the description works better in some paragraphs than others, often it is a good idea to provide a few interesting details about a setting (or the house), rather than to give blocks of description to the reader, especially in the opening paragraph.

Having said this, some pieces of your writing did stand out to me as phrased well and containing ideas that were interesting and to which I responded to. These were:

- 'the invisible bubble that held her life back from her new residence'
- your description of the area as like an oversized crop circle
- 'her steps followed hollowly behind like the ghost she and her mother had run from' - this one was particularly well-phrased :)
- 'Each upstairs hall held three closed doors but Joven already knew their secrets' - this is an interesting idea that peaks my curiosity. How does she already know their secrets? Has she been here before, or is it merely intuition?

As a first chapter of your novel, I would suggest focusing more on plot and character development than a description of the house. Perhaps 'zoom in' more on Joven as she explores the house, perhaps even thinking about this past life she had run from. As a reader I can only know and imagine what you tell me about your characters, and I am curious about the ghosts Joven and her mother have run from, wondering whether they are some physical being, or more of an emotional upset.

I hope that you haven't found my suggestions offensive. This is your story, and my suggestions seek only to improve this chapter as I see fit. I think the theme outlined in the description is an interesting one and feel that focusing more on this in the first chapter especially will help to draw your readers in. Above all, keep writing! Your themes of dreams and nightmares mingling with reality, of running away from the past in search of a better life - these are all very promising ideas and are ones you should explore further to make your story world all the more enticing.

Again, thank you for sharing your writing. I really hope you don't find my suggestions offensive in any way - as a fellow writer, I am always striving for improvement and enjoy supporting others in that quest.

Feel free to email me with any questions/comments/thoughts. All the best for the future! :D

Melzgr8
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