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Rated: E | (3.5)
Thanks for sharing this. You're off to a good start.

You have done a thorough job of description, allowing the reader to see the world and the characters as you see them.

The dialogue, particularly of the four protagonists, is well-written; they sound like heroic versions of students I have had over the years -- and that's what I believe you are striving for here.

I am a little curious as to the way in which you began the chapter. I really like the idea of starting this fantastical journey in the everyday, normal world of the teenage characters; the story of the hero's journey should begin in the mundane world as it makes what happens next that much more emphatic. However, starting with Persephone's dream gives the hint of fantasy before the regular. I am assuming (perhaps incorrectly) that the world of her dreams is connected to the larger story, and that the prophetic poem is of great importance, so I can understand the need from a plot standpoint to give that information early. At the same time, I found the shift somewhat forced. Has Persephone had prophetic dreams before? If so, maybe some mention of that while she is talking with Orion and getting dressed could help. It serves both to emphasis the possible significance of the dream, and make the dream itself part of her normal life.

There are a few minor technical errors, mostly punctuation, but those should not be difficult to find and correct.

Also, while I enjoyed the vivid descriptions, in some cases the use of descriptors became almost too much for my taste. It was almost as though there was more emphasis on the description than on the actions of the characters. While this works for some books (Lord of the Rings springs to mind, a case in which the setting is a character unto itself), it is not an easy writing style to master. Consider what is of greatest import to you in writing the story, and what will be of greatest interest to your readers. Then write from that.

All in all, you have the beginnings of a good story. I look forward to reading more of it in the future.

be well,
Mere de Vachon

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