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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mezandria
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Review of The Silver Swan  Open in new Window.
Review by Mez Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
First, I just want to say I love your choice of topic here, Swan Lake was one of my favorites growing up. I think that you did a good job with the plot and timeline of the story as well. I wonder, was it your intention to write the story like it was a news feature? If so, then disregard the following! If not, I think this story would have been better showcased by telling it in a way that lets the reader get to know the characters in your story through their actions and words allowing for some ambiguity, rather than tell each event in a sequential or factual way. Let the reader wonder and try to figure out who the villain is who stole the swan sculpture. It is always more fun to 'solve the puzzle' than to just find out what happened. Build up the suspense more by allowing for more possibility than just one or two people who could have stolen it, and instead of the manager admitting it right away, maybe have Sterling find out another way. (And Sterling should have totally punched him for it!!)

Also, I think you could probably do the same with your character development. Instead of telling the reader that Leonara was slender and delicate, hint at it with a nice description of an event or scene. It helps to make her more genuine and endearing. Also, maybe you could go more into detail with how the swan piece might have a supernatural aspect to it, or even explain how or why the characters Leonara and Sterling felt it had a supernatural or heavenly aspect. Great job overall, I enjoyed reading your story, thank you!
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Review of Quantum Memories  Open in new Window.
Review by Mez Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I read through this story three times last night and really enjoyed the the subject and the thought you put into the plot. I felt like the interplay between between Eliza and Andrew in the beginning could use a bit of work. For example, she smirks, his head snaps up- the interactions sound forced, as if two people on a stage were acting out a scene. This happens often throughout the story, for example, "was this guy drunk?" "Is this some bizarre joke?" It doesn't feel realistic, like that would be the first thing someone would think if they encountered a person who was unaware of another person at a conference. There were some questions that distracted me from the story, like why she pulls her sweater down over her hands and how it's relevant to the story. Also noticed that sometimes you used Andy and other times you used Andrew. Maybe just stick to one or the other for consistency? Really great job though, I would enjoy reading a longer and more filled-out version of this story. :)
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