First of all I have to say I'm sorry for what you have gone through. I sense all the feelings of sadness, hurt, and especially anger towards the end of the letter.
I think the start of the letter is quite composed but as the middle and end are approached, I sense a lot of anger, (which I'm not judging, by the way). I think the deliverance of that anger can be had without the caps, which would make it more efficient. I think you deliver your feelings and reasonings well.
The only thing I seem to be confused about is the fact that your father is the second son. I can't seem to pinpoint what is significant about that other than the connection to Matthew. I don't know if it's my place to deduce all this but I have never reviewed a letter before, so please forgive me if I'm out of bounds.
The ending of the letter asks for an open line of communication between you and your father, but I didn't actually sense that request in the body of the letter before that, so maybe you might want to modify the ending by saying that and then probably adding the fact that if he refuses, you still have your dignity.
"I had already had roots here." -> for this one, I think you should throw out one of hads and maybe it should be 'there' instead of 'here'.
I really like your restrain..it gives a melancholy touch to the poem. And I can feel and see the day, the event and feel the tragedy. I had to go google on Breakaway though and I thank you for making me learn something new. When I first started reading it, I didn't really know what she set out for but even without googling, I figured out it was for a cause. SO I would say you provided enough info.
This part though I don't really get. The closest I can figure is that you were working monitoring radar?
But what happened
on the way?
I only heard a small blip.
The way you told this story in this poem is very touching. I really like the format of this poem. All in all I am touched by this and really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing.
This has merit on its own though I have to respectfully disagree looking at it from a Muslim's point of view.
I would like to comment on certain things if I may
1. a woman's testimony- there's a reason for this. Scientifically women's hormones are more complicated, pregnancies, deliveries may render women's memory abit askew. And women tend to be more emotional. This is not to say that women are not trustworthy, it merely acknowledges biological differences between women and men.
2. Female foeticide is NOT in islam.
The pre islamic people in arabia used to bury their female infants alive and Allah revelaed an ayah condemning this and islam came about to erase this practice among the polytheists.
3. As for women having to cover themselves - is for the purpose of modesty and garnering respect and acknowledgement to them as respected members of the society. They're not allowed to go out alone wihtout escort because men were created to be the protectors of women. SO if you look at it, men actually have HUGE responsibilities towards women. They have to make sure they're safe from harm, provide for them, help them around the house.
I know mosty probably what you have heard about Muslim women are different but I assure you that that is due ti the prevalence of ignorance of the Islam among Muslims themselves today. There is a reason for everything that was ordained by God. SOme of them have explciti reasons, some implicit that require some deep reflections and some no obvious reasons other than to test the humans on obedience.
Inheritance wise, women receive less than men, but in the whole context of an islamic life (the true sense) it is because the woman is to be under the protection of her male family members. WOmen don't have to work, they are to be provided for. They can work if they have to but they don't have to. (I personally see this as an advantage to being a woman)
Women can't be divorced just like that. Men are not allowed to divorce women while they are in their menses or pregnant. and If the husbands just slept with the wife, he can;t divorce her until she gets her period and becomes clean. ALl this have reasons...women in their menses are emotionally unstable so divorce at this time would harm them more emotionally. when they're pregnant, it's just cruel to divorce them, and furthermore if the baby is born the father might feel a change of heart at the sight of the baby, so divorce is prohibited while the wife is pregnant.
as for polygamy...men cannot just marry more than one just like that. There are requirements they have to fulfill. They have to be JUST and FAIR to all their wives..and believe me....this is NOT easy. Even if the man is filthy rich...he has to make sure he is fair to all of his wives..not only money wise, but time wise and patience wise. How patient can a man be? isn;t dealing with one woman difficult enough what with her emotional roller coaster and what nots..
It is said that Paradise in under the feet of the mother. Not the father. When a man asked the prophet peace be upon him on whom he should be dutiful, the prophet peace be upon him replied "your mother" and he asked again and three times he answered "your mother" and he asked again and only then did the prophet peace be upon him said "your father"
the reward for a woman's prayers in the most secluded corner of her house is higher than that of a man's prayer in congregation at the Masjid(mosque- i don't like to use the word mosque due to its origin from the crusades). A man's prayer in congregation at the Masjid is 25/27 times that of his prayer by himself. So if a woman's reward is higher than that...
A husband is supposed to be kind to the women in his family for it is said by the prophet peace be upon him that the best man is one who is the kindest to his wife. but of course nowadays we don't see that because most people live by culture than by the religion. Patriarchal pratices still has prevalence apparently.
A husband cannot practice ejaculation outside the vagina wihtout permission from his wife due to the unfairness of it. so basically in marital relation, the man has to make sure his wife is satisfied.
A man is highly rewarded for feeding his wife and children, giving gifts to his wife and children. and he has a very important duty to his mother and father.
We see in the western culture people sending their parents off to nursing homes. Islam condones that due to the high respect to those who bore us.
A woman is actually 'revered' in Islam..in the true sense of the practicing the religion. It is largely due to ignorance of the religion itself that Islam is not practiced as it should. And since that is what we see, I can understand people's misconstrued notions about Islam.
All I can say is..let's hope the Muslim themselves overcome their ignorance in the religion by turning back to studying Islam (yes that means rote Quranic learning..but there is more to that...not just Quran)..but alongside worldly knowledge. Islam is a religion of balance and it came to bring ease to the people, not hardship.
A quote I really like "The more you know your deen(religion) the less restrictive it will feel."
and I deem that true as I gleaned a sliver of knowledge about Islam that I was never taught before when growing up. All that I have been taught was presented rather culturally and it was not explained why we had to do so and so. As people just accept what is handed down without question, practices become rather askewed and that's when we see all these 'oppression' 'injustice' 'unnecessary restrictions' as touted by the world.
There of course is more that I didn't mention about women in Islam. some due to forgetfulness and ignorance.
You presented a good presentation of what you know about women in Islam, but of course as a Muslim woman I feel compelled to refute this respectfully based on what I know.
Tolerance arises from knowing deeply about each other and this is true across all faith.
I'm sorry but I don't get it. Maybe it's something in general and your brief description did give a guide or clue to what it's generaly about but if there is a story brewing in there I can't see it.
Though I don't get it, I do think it has a nice rhyming pattern.
Write on!
when i firts started reading this I was under the impression that the setting was of old England but then at the word pistol I was brought to reality
this is a nice story. My suggestions would be to enter return and isolate dialogues for easier reading. Also you could reduce telling and add more showing. It would make this story a tad bit longer but it would make for a more interesting read.
Add more descriptions, how the person feel what went through them when somethig happened etc...
I like the organization of oyour stanzas. Your metaphors are powerful and imagery great too.
My only suggestion would be for you to even out your lines so they'd be the same length of same number of syllables but it's just a matter of preference. write on!
This is a good potential for an excellent story. My suggestion would be to eradicate most of the telling for showing. Maybe include some dialogues to help 'show' it. It would be a tad longer but it would be a more interesting read.
nauseas - you should change this so it's parallel with the other items in the list..(coughing, sneezing..etc..maybe vomitting or feeling nauseated)
a nice fast upbeat poem, but I think you can probably work on the length of each verse in the stanzas so they're more even. Just a suggestion though. Maybe you can also add more imagery and metaphor. The flow of this piece I think is somewhat disrupted by the uneven length of the verses especially from the first stanza to the second. Write on!
nice....I can 'see' it but you might want to make it lengthier? just a suggestion. it's fine as it is actually but i guess I was looking for more imagery. I wondered about
hear not just the spoken word -> if you meant word or words.
When I started reading this, I got the impression that it's going to be about loving a specific person. And i like the first stanza. Then as I progressed to the rest of the poem, I got lost. Though I have to say your metaphors are great.
Maybe there's lack of focus in this.. maybe you want to conclude this with something that revolves around Can I love you so..just so it will complete a circle.
hmm interesting...Even though the bible's and Quran version of the stories of these prophets do differ somewhat, it's interesting to read this. Good point that you tried to convey here too. Nice job! Write on!
I think this is a good piece. You dwelled on the examples and then went straight to the message. pretty straightforward and provokes the mind.
Good write up. I like how you convey each part, hinting at the happenings in life. You can work on categorizing this into genres. That'll get more exposure for your item. Below are my suggestions, feel free to ignore them where you see fit, they are just opinions. write on!
We got I think should be get since you're in the present tense here to a point in life when all things are not like before
When people are not like what maybe whome is a better word here? we used to know
When we feel people are just something fake
When we see things between them and us are erased
When all love and pleasure that we shared are gone
When all sadness and misery that we went through together are gone
All these moments and I think you can omit this second 'these'. there's a repetition herethese feelings are gone forever
But how can all these be erased in seconds you can put a question mark here
How all these human touches are gone in just a moment
What happen happened and what changed?
What are things that change people?
How could they be changed to the unknown?
Why do wrong verb here, I think it should be are and throw away the are after the word people people are not themselves?
Why are they just imitating?
Just following by their blinded eyes
Closing their ears to the reality
And following their mirages or other’s mirages
Is this the meaning of being?
Or are they pretending that meaning
But how can that meaning be known by being other selves?
If this is what they call “The meaning of life”
For me, it’s better either to die or be myself
I can 'see' your portrayal of the image here, but to me, the ending seems ambiguous. For the first stanza, maybe you can jump into the beginning of the night. I sensed you were trying to make an opening by mentioning late afternoon. The jump of topic from the first stanza to the second can be made more smooth, for example you can talk or describe when the moon arises or when the sun sets (if you want to begin with describing the precursor to the night air at all that is).
Maybe you can provide more imagery, like the breeze blowing through your hair, imbuing your heart with serenity, or the moonlight reflected on the lake (assuming there is due to the swans), shining on your inner soul, lighting your soul with hope..something like that.
I think this poem is good, only you might have to work on the flow from stanza to stanza and provide more imagery.
I'm assuming also this is free verse?
Keep writing..I know I am personally struggling with poetry too.
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