First of all I have to say I'm sorry for what you have gone through. I sense all the feelings of sadness, hurt, and especially anger towards the end of the letter.
I think the start of the letter is quite composed but as the middle and end are approached, I sense a lot of anger, (which I'm not judging, by the way). I think the deliverance of that anger can be had without the caps, which would make it more efficient. I think you deliver your feelings and reasonings well.
The only thing I seem to be confused about is the fact that your father is the second son. I can't seem to pinpoint what is significant about that other than the connection to Matthew. I don't know if it's my place to deduce all this but I have never reviewed a letter before, so please forgive me if I'm out of bounds.
The ending of the letter asks for an open line of communication between you and your father, but I didn't actually sense that request in the body of the letter before that, so maybe you might want to modify the ending by saying that and then probably adding the fact that if he refuses, you still have your dignity.
"I had already had roots here." -> for this one, I think you should throw out one of hads and maybe it should be 'there' instead of 'here'.
I really like your restrain..it gives a melancholy touch to the poem. And I can feel and see the day, the event and feel the tragedy. I had to go google on Breakaway though and I thank you for making me learn something new. When I first started reading it, I didn't really know what she set out for but even without googling, I figured out it was for a cause. SO I would say you provided enough info.
This part though I don't really get. The closest I can figure is that you were working monitoring radar?
But what happened
on the way?
I only heard a small blip.
The way you told this story in this poem is very touching. I really like the format of this poem. All in all I am touched by this and really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing.
I'm sorry but I don't get it. Maybe it's something in general and your brief description did give a guide or clue to what it's generaly about but if there is a story brewing in there I can't see it.
Though I don't get it, I do think it has a nice rhyming pattern.
Write on!
when i firts started reading this I was under the impression that the setting was of old England but then at the word pistol I was brought to reality
this is a nice story. My suggestions would be to enter return and isolate dialogues for easier reading. Also you could reduce telling and add more showing. It would make this story a tad bit longer but it would make for a more interesting read.
Add more descriptions, how the person feel what went through them when somethig happened etc...
I like the organization of oyour stanzas. Your metaphors are powerful and imagery great too.
My only suggestion would be for you to even out your lines so they'd be the same length of same number of syllables but it's just a matter of preference. write on!
This is a good potential for an excellent story. My suggestion would be to eradicate most of the telling for showing. Maybe include some dialogues to help 'show' it. It would be a tad longer but it would be a more interesting read.
nauseas - you should change this so it's parallel with the other items in the list..(coughing, sneezing..etc..maybe vomitting or feeling nauseated)
a nice fast upbeat poem, but I think you can probably work on the length of each verse in the stanzas so they're more even. Just a suggestion though. Maybe you can also add more imagery and metaphor. The flow of this piece I think is somewhat disrupted by the uneven length of the verses especially from the first stanza to the second. Write on!
nice....I can 'see' it but you might want to make it lengthier? just a suggestion. it's fine as it is actually but i guess I was looking for more imagery. I wondered about
hear not just the spoken word -> if you meant word or words.
When I started reading this, I got the impression that it's going to be about loving a specific person. And i like the first stanza. Then as I progressed to the rest of the poem, I got lost. Though I have to say your metaphors are great.
Maybe there's lack of focus in this.. maybe you want to conclude this with something that revolves around Can I love you so..just so it will complete a circle.
hmm interesting...Even though the bible's and Quran version of the stories of these prophets do differ somewhat, it's interesting to read this. Good point that you tried to convey here too. Nice job! Write on!
I think this is a good piece. You dwelled on the examples and then went straight to the message. pretty straightforward and provokes the mind.
Good write up. I like how you convey each part, hinting at the happenings in life. You can work on categorizing this into genres. That'll get more exposure for your item. Below are my suggestions, feel free to ignore them where you see fit, they are just opinions. write on!
We got I think should be get since you're in the present tense here to a point in life when all things are not like before
When people are not like what maybe whome is a better word here? we used to know
When we feel people are just something fake
When we see things between them and us are erased
When all love and pleasure that we shared are gone
When all sadness and misery that we went through together are gone
All these moments and I think you can omit this second 'these'. there's a repetition herethese feelings are gone forever
But how can all these be erased in seconds you can put a question mark here
How all these human touches are gone in just a moment
What happen happened and what changed?
What are things that change people?
How could they be changed to the unknown?
Why do wrong verb here, I think it should be are and throw away the are after the word people people are not themselves?
Why are they just imitating?
Just following by their blinded eyes
Closing their ears to the reality
And following their mirages or other’s mirages
Is this the meaning of being?
Or are they pretending that meaning
But how can that meaning be known by being other selves?
If this is what they call “The meaning of life”
For me, it’s better either to die or be myself
I can 'see' your portrayal of the image here, but to me, the ending seems ambiguous. For the first stanza, maybe you can jump into the beginning of the night. I sensed you were trying to make an opening by mentioning late afternoon. The jump of topic from the first stanza to the second can be made more smooth, for example you can talk or describe when the moon arises or when the sun sets (if you want to begin with describing the precursor to the night air at all that is).
Maybe you can provide more imagery, like the breeze blowing through your hair, imbuing your heart with serenity, or the moonlight reflected on the lake (assuming there is due to the swans), shining on your inner soul, lighting your soul with hope..something like that.
I think this poem is good, only you might have to work on the flow from stanza to stanza and provide more imagery.
I'm assuming also this is free verse?
Keep writing..I know I am personally struggling with poetry too.
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