Criminal law is a world apart from civil law, and your failure or inability to have your car properly inspected according to the parameters established by your state is a matter of civil law, not criminal.
Civil law makes you responsible for the purchase and maintenance of your vehicle. The state is not responsible for your failure or inability to maintain the safety of your vehicle, and the banker is not obligated to accommodate your failure or inability to fulfill your contractual obligation to make payments on your vehicle.
As far as I can tell, none of these facts have bring you anywhere near "the edge of criminal." They simply preclude you from owning and/or operating that vehicle on public roads.
Many of your sentences contain grammatical errors which make them extremely difficult to follow. Moreover, I do not follow the logic that leads you to conclude that society and its civil law has brought you to "the edge of criminal." I'm sure that some revision and correction would make your sentences easier to follow and would clarify your thesis
I think your essay is a well-organized, well-written version of a philosophical argument that proves the dogmatism of objective naturalism.
I would only suggest that you eliminate as many be-verbs as possible, because it definitely will make your essay stronger. I've always hated that rule, but it has only made my work better (even if it IS annoying and not totally necessary). I would also suggest to you that some schools of atheistic thought (Nietzschean materialism for example) have no need for science, and thus the "argument from reason" would not persuade the members of those schools. Peace.
I agree with you for the most part. But I would contend that we ARE relatively intelligent and sophisticated as far as earthly beings go, and it it's foolish to suggest that we should humble ourselves in the presence of lesser human beings, much less lower life forms. I think the sentiment of your last paragraph does not follow from the premises you created in the previous two. You've taken God out of the equation, but you still deny and reject the ego out some misplaced belief in "good and evil." The same people who created the god delusion also created the moral system that condemns "arrogance" as "evil" but then values meekness and "humility" as something good, righteous. Why is humility good and pride evil? Because weak human beings who could not thrive in this life changed the prevailing morality to operate in their favor.
Humility is the hallmark of the slave-christian, "good v. evil" morality that restricts the excellence of noble men. Read Nietzsche's Genealogy of Morals. Be proud, not humble. Humility is for Christians, Slaves, losers who are too weak to create their own values. If you can, rise above and create your own values, reconnect with your ego and don't hide behind illusory, false moral imperatives such as "humility." Be active and don't create your values out of resentment for others who achieve greater excellence.
Honestly, the true consequence of denying the ego is the cult of equality, and let's face it, we're not equals. Peace.
Beautiful poem. I feel like this writing community is generally better attuned to formal poetry over and against free verse. Some contests' rules even go so far as to list a judging criteria which describes good poetry as poetry which properly adheres to the traditional rules of form. The majority of users seems to have little or no appetite for free verse or contemporary criticism of poetry. It's extremely refreshing to find someone writing well executed free verse poetry.
For this poem, I would suggest experimenting more with enjambment and other kinds of line breaks. IMHO, you do so many things well in this poem, (and I especially appreciate the parallelism of your symbols), while the line breaking is just a poetic resource that you've left largely untapped by leaving so many of your syntactical units intact.
I'm not sure if the image of "stars diving into time" is actually a consequence of this transformation (as you seem to indicate by the word "so"), or if you really mean that it bears some resemblance to the transformation, in which case I would suggest replacing "so" with "as." But I'm just making a conjecture.
Also, unless you have some compelling reason for saying "wounded from the contrails," I would think that you should say "wounded by the contrails."
I'm very impressed by how you are able to write an accessible poem without sacrificing any of its artistic merit. <<That's not exactly what I mean, but I don't know how to say it any other way.
Anyway, I hope you find this review helpful. I think you would make a very competent reviewer, and I would really appreciate it if you would take a look at one of my poems. Peace.
Nice Poem! Very rhythmic and quite funny. Instances of alliteration gave intensified its musical qualities. There were just a few lines that I felt did not scan as well as the others so you might consider revising them. I've come up with some lines that i think might sound better in the context of the poem so you can just try them out and see what you think.
"bring an insect to class that you don't fear"---perhaps it would sound better as "bring an insect you do not fear"
"she was excited to see my creature"---i feel like this line needs another syllable so it could be "she was so excited to see my creature"
"We were sent home and I felt like a fool"-- i feel like the iamb at the beginning of this line needs to be a trochee, so you might consider changing it to "we got sent," even though that's not really proper english. i think there might be some other lines that could benefit from this kind of switch as well.
Anyway, i'm not really one to count syllables or iambs or anything like that and i'm going mostly on instinct so i could be wrong. Just see what you think.
The form embodies the content. Very nice. The last two lines are somewhat difficult to understand and I think you could revise them to make them more intelligible.
I would suggest cutting the ellipses on the last line. Writers frequently use ellipses to create pauses, but a fundamental part of writing poetry is creating rhythms and pauses through word choice and line breaks, not excessive punctuation. IMHO, ellipses have only a very particular place in prose and no place at all in poetry. However, this is just my opinion.
I am impressed by the fact that form of your poem parallels the emotional/tonal arch of the poem as the speaker describes his death/or diminishing but then gives it a hopeful spin. Likewise, the lines diminish but are reborn again. Good job.
P.S. I reserve 4's and 5's for the best of the best and the best of the best of the best, so please don't interpret my rating as anything other than positive!
I might suggest revising the last couplet simply because a symphony feels like a trite vehicle for any kind of comparison. I'm not sure if I can call it a metaphor, but the couplet does seem to compare, in objective terms, the emotional height and complexity of love to the high art of classical composition...if only love could be plugged into a set of speakers. I'm actually really not sure what to think about that couplet, because I really enjoy the concept. It might be better left alone.
You might also consider using something other than "you" in the fourth couplet. It takes me out of the poem a bit, but that's just me.
Strong work man. I've never seen this style before, but you accomplished it with very original and powerful poetic concepts.
First, I would like to say that the O'Reilly Factor can be really funny if watched whilst stoned.
On the other hand (sober), I am maddened by the profit-driven sensationalism and the market supplied asininity that characterizes all mainstream media network's treatment of serious issues.
I don't consider myself to be very well-informed, but I agree with your final remarks. We will never have a government of the people, by people ect. if the people don't wise-up a bit.
I would like to see you post something on the healthcare debate. Anyway, good essay man. Sorry I didn't give you any constructive feedback.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mgaraton
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 6:57am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
