I really liked this. The writing is clear, the character’s interactions realistic and the dialogue feels genuine. My only concern would be the interaction between Khalid and Elmira. He has just seen what is obviously his boyfriend killed, and she seems almost too calm and doesn’t reference who it is and what he means to Khalid? Is she a character we are going to be seeing a lot more of and does her personality explain that reaction as we learn more?
I would be curious to know more about Kevin too. It is great to see a leading gay character given how few there still are in popular culture, but I dont feel I know much about him other than he is gay, a student, and has a judgemental mother! Could you weave in just a touch more within the action?
I really like this idea and its mystery. I like the writing style and it comes across as a really realistic reaction and thought process from the little boy. I would be interested to keep on reading! My only two comments are that some of the dialogue spoken by the pirate seems a little long, and that the child like repetition as he is thinking maybe sometimes goes on a bit too long as well? And I would really like it if the chapter finished on more of a cliff hanger. But all in all, I really enjoyed it and can definitely imagine this being the first chapter of a published book.
I like this. It is an intriguing, poignant memory that comes across as realistic and the sort of thing that would stay with a child. It kind of reminds me of the sort of story you get in some of Stephen King’s scene setting.
A couple of comments:
- Could there be a couple of sentences describing the house and setting? I picture something in the Everglades or Deep South, but dont think there is much clue given about where it might be?
- Is the first sentence a bit long? Could it be broken up to make it more punchy?
But I think it is really intriguing and actually quite emotional. So keep on going!
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