Here's my review of Chapter Two--Good Work!
Title of novel: Circus Monkeys
Chapter number: Chapter 1
Setting: The circus
Character Development: A little better. I would like to see more physical description.
Major Characters: Malory, Joshua
Minor Characters: Malory's dad, Patrick, Poppy
Historical Referencing: N/A
Do the clothes match with times? Yes
Do the teens sound like teens? Yes
Hair style? No real description given
Language? Yes
Actions? Yes
Plot: Good and it moves along pretty well.
General Thoughts: I continue to enjoy the story and I still want to read on to find out what happens next, which is a very good thing.
My Opinion: It's a good story over all for what I have read thus far. I look forward to reading the rest.
CIRCUS MONKEYS
Chapter 2
I woke up on my bed, confused. I looked around, it was dark out.
"WoahWhoa," I said aloud, "I must have fallen asleep crying or something." I looked at the clock, and it read 11:34.
"Uuuuuugh..." I flopped down on the bed, but there was no way I was getting back to bedsleep. I stood up and walked into the bathroom.
"Man, I look like a wreck!" I washed my face and then walked around the small trailer, digging slightly into the small fridge. I grabbed a pickle and stepped outside, munching quietly. I took in a deep breath and for the first time in quite a few days, I felt at peace. The mingling smell of hay and cotton candy was really calming.
I polished off my pickle and walked over toward the animals. I went near the camels, they were all sleeping butexcept one, it came up near me. It was Poppy, I just knew it. I fed it a little food from the ground and pet it a couple of times. I smiled, but stopped when I heard a rustling sound to my right, outside of the animal pen.
"Who's there?" I said, keeping a hand on Poppy, for some reason she made me feel safer.
"Just me, Joshua," Joshua said, stepping closer. "What are you doing out here?" Finally an actual question!
"I couldn't sleep." I said, I looked at him suspiciously, "What are YOU doing out here?"
"Same." He came over and started to pet Poppy, I backed away slightly. "Actually, I heard someone out here so I thought I better come and see who it was."
"My hero," I said sarcastically, for some reason not being able to see him clearly made it easier to talk. He laughed.
"Yes, I am the savior of this circus!" His shadow struck a pose in the dark and I laughed again. He went back to petting Poppy and I managed to get a look at hishim sideways in the dark. He's pretty cool, for once I wasn't thinking about my Aunt...or my mom...or my goldfish!
"Hey," Joshua started, looking at me, "If you don't mind me asking...did I hurt your feelings earlier?" So much for not thinking about it.
"Umm..." I said, looking down and blushing, good thing it was dark! "No, you didn't hurt my feelings, I just got to thinking about...my birthday." I ended lamely, not looking up from the ground.
"Oh...sorry, but I just I don't get it," He said with a little chuckle. Tears started to well up in my eyes, but I managed to hold them back. I looked up for a split second and could tell he was looking at me.
"Uh," I sniffled and let out a sheepish laugh. "It's kind of complicated..."
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," He said easily and went back to petting Poppy. I looked at his profile and the thought hit me. (I really do want to tell him) May I suggest that you set this apart from the rest of the text as an inner thought with italics?. The thought hit me so suddenly that it made me blurt out.
"Everyone dies on my birthday!" I was so surprised that I said that, and from the way he reacted so was Joshua. He looked over at me quickly.
"What?" He sounded shocked, but there was a touch of sympathy too.
"It's stupid, but everyone dies on my birthday," I repeated, quieter this time. He didn't speak for a while and I felt incredibly dumb. Why did I say that?!Like this (italics for inner thought) (I had never told anyone that before)include this in the inner thought and italics. I tried to explain.
A comment about tags (he said/she said). When there are only two characters speaking you don’t need to tag every bit of dialogue. After establishing who the characters are you can just go on with the dialogue and the reader will be able to tell who is talking by what is being said. It is only when you introduce another character to the scene that you would need a tag.
A comment about dialogue and commas—At the end of a piece of dialogue, if you use a tag then you need to use a comma. If you don’t use a tag and just describe an action then a period is the right punctuation mark to place at the end of the dialogue and inside the “ mark.
"Well...you see, it kind of all started with my mom." I said, scuffing my feet on the ground. "It was on my 7th birthday...she died then." I sniffed and looked up, a florescent light hummed aboveI would suggest if you want to keep everything that you wrote about it being dark and Joshua in the shadows, that you place something here that would indicate that the light was not right overhead, but at least a few feet away or so. and I could dimly see his eyes. He didn't say anything so I went on.
"And...and then, my aunt. She, she died on my 17th birthday, my last one which was just a few days ago." I stopped and reached out to pet Poppy. The camel nuzzled my hand affectionately. "So, I guess I'm a little unstable right now."
"I'm sorry." He said, and I gave a little snort.
"Right, that's what everyone says." I could feel him looking at me.
"No, really, I am sorry." I looked up over at him, and for a moment felt like he actually did mean it. There was a sort of awkward silence, and I shifted my feet.
"I...I better get going back to the trailer." I said and started to walk by him, but stopped half way. "Good night, and...thanks." Then my feet moved quickly before I could hear his response, my cheeks burned slightly, although I refused to ask myself why.
-----
I somehow managed to get back to sleep that night, thankfully. I was awakened though, by my dad, at 7:30 in the morning. He was again attempting me to get out of the trailer.
"Please 'Lory? I don't like the idea of you being cooped up in here all day long(.)" He pleaded, and suddenly I didn't like the idea either. I nodded and he looked ecstatic. I didn't take me long to mozymosey out of the place with worn jeans and tee. It was just another practice day, so I wasn't really worried about anyone seeing me.
I managed to find my dad and walked up next to him. He was chatting with a man I thought I had met once.
"Oh-ho-ho! She lives!" (He) The man gave a great big belly laugh, and I managed to crack a smile. I remember him nowchange this comma, to a period He was one of the clowns. Of course he just wasn't in makeup at the moment.
"So, how are you feeling?" He asked, turning off the jokes. I shrugged, sticking my thumbs in my belt loops.
"All right." He smiled, but my attention was averted to movement behind him. I looked back and there Joshua stood, waving. I smiled and gave him a wave from my hip. I finished chatting with the clown, who'swhose name was Patrick, and went over to where Joshua was practicing. I got on the scene just as he finished a forward flip.
"Wow." I said, truly amazed. He laughed.
"What are you talking about? That's just my warm up!" My eyebrows shot up, practice? That looked dangerous enough! He walked off to grab a hanging rope from the ceiling, as he shed off his practice t-shirt, to reveal a close fitting suit. Not too shabby... I thought, and then mentally slapped myself. What are you talking about? Sheesh Lory, get a grip! I lowered my eyes, and raised them just to time to see him climbing up the rope with ease. My jaw almost dropped to my knees. How does he DO that?! He's like a monkey!
I watched him wrap his leg around the rope, and then simply let go. My heart caught and I gasped. A sudden fear hit me, (that took me flashing)that made me flash back to my 7th birthday. I felt like I was going to be sick. I saw him looking down at me smiling, right before I turned around and quickly walked to the door.
-----
I stayed in the trailer for the rest of the day, but my dad did not come in to pressure me. He apparently thought that my presence that morning had been enough. But Someone else did come knocking on the door later, and I flushed with embarrassment when I saw it was Joshua. He had changed out of his practice clothes and now looked like a regular person, not some circus monkey.
"Want to go see Poppy?" He asked, and I walked out the door without responding. As we walked slowly, he began to speak. "Umm..." I cut him off.
"Do you know how my mom died?" I asked him bluntly, ceasing all movement. I turned to look at him, and he shook his head. I sighed.
"She...she was in the circus with my dad. They were the Dan and Deb act." Realization dawned all of a sudden in his eyes.
"Oh my gosh," he said softly. "Your mom was Deb?" Tears began to brim in my eyes, and. I nodded my head, closing my lids and putting my chin to my chest. That was why It surprised me when I felt the warm arms wrap around my back. I let out a choked sort of sob and returned the hug. It did not last long, and the first moments after letting go were somewhat awkward, but he gave me a reassuring smile, which I returned.
We continued our waywalk to Poppy, and he started talking. "I had always thought that Dan was just your uncle or something. I guess I never realized he was your dad." I gave him a sort of head gesture, to show that I heard and he went on.
"I guess it makes sense now, it has been ten years hasn't it? And you had said before on your seventh birthday..." He trailed off, obviously worried that I would go into tears again, but I did not. I nodded.
"Yes, it’s been ten years. I was living with my aunt. But just a week or so ago..." And I too trailed off. We got to the animal pen and pet a few while we talked. We managed to get off the subject of all the deaths in my family, and onto more cheerful things. Although I did makemade sure to mention why I had left when he was up on the rope.
"It just scared me that's all. Sorry, I did just kind of zoom out of there." I said weakly, but he nodded fully understanding and I smiled.
Maybe it won't be so bad living here after all. |
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