A very charming story indeed. I like the message you were trying to convey. At first I thought the treasure had been a stone of some sort, but I quickly took note of how he treated it like a living being in need of care. So then I thought it was a egg. The image you portray at the end was ethereal and other worldly, but I can't help but wonder how Andy knew where to take the baby.
Some suggestions would be to avoid words that end in "ly" such as "carefully," and "tentatively". Usually these words can be replaced with a much stronger verb to make your prose flow a bit better. I also noticed a bit of repetitiveness.
"Once again, he unscrewed the top of the basket holding the precious treasure. Tentatively, he reached in carefully lifting the precious treasure from its temporary home." <--- describing him as Tentatively and carefully at the same time is repetitive in nature. Again, a strong verb and a bit of restructuring can fix things like this.
This was perhaps the funnest essay I have ever read. I normally find them boring, but as a former anime fan who has never gone to a convention but always wanted to, I really could relate to this. This is probably exactly what would happen to me! You were able to convey your excitement, disappointment, and awkward feelings over the convention very well. I also really loved that ending quote, "sorry Dad, but Peter Pan has died." I could just picture the frown on your face =D
As for critique, I noticed a few typos. Mostly just unnecessary commas. Like this sentence (I watched Robotech and Star Blazers, before anyone heard the word anime.) I feel like that comma after "Blazers" is awkward and is disrupting the flow of the sentence.
There was also a minor typo. You put this: (Morgan took great ENJOY in reminding me, “Dad, these are all old anime and old songs.) i think what you meant was "joy".
Hello! I am very intrigued by this story =) It sounds like a very nice draft and I see a lot of potential in it. Keith seems like a great character so far, but I am having a hard time really seeing what he is all about. Mostly due to the fact there is a lot of telling and not showing here. I feel like all the scenes here should be elaborated on much more so we can get a real "feel" for them. Instead of telling us a character is large, let us see the way his muscles bulge out of his clothes...or alternatively the way his fat spills out from underneath him. It will really add a lot to your story.
Another bit of advise I have is the dialogue. I kept getting really confused about who was talking and when. A few more dialogue tags would help, but when adding those tags try to stick with the word "said," and then describe the way they said it. Using tags like "grumbled" and "croaked" is another way of telling and not showing.
I also feel like the intro is a bit unnecessary. I would rather find out those things as I read the story, but that is just me. I am going to follow this, I like it. If you want a very thorough proof read with suggestions on how to show and not tell, send me a note. I would love to help. Happy writing!
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 1:50am on Nov 14, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
