Michael Wonch's (mikewonch) Reviews

Michael Wonch

Review Requests: OFF

57 Public Reviews Given

97 Total Reviews Given

1

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2121264

Review of Stars

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: E

| (4.0)

BEGIN REVIEW

INITIAL COMMENTS

The sentiment of this poem is really good. Although it marks what people go through around this age, you did this quite well, in a style that is rather unique.

IMAGERY

I could actually envision you sitting by a fountain or stream, fingering a coin, deciding if it'd be worth tossing in.

MOOD

The feeling was there, as well. it was clear, concise, and well conveyed.

FLOW/RHYTHM

The flow was off a bit, though. Poetry must have a certain flow. it mayu mean a lot to you as the writer, but once it's read by others, THEY are the real judge of how it effects them.

This is very easy to fix - in EVERYTHING you write. Once you complete the first draft, read it out loud to yourself a few times (not just once). Poetry sounds different when read aloud - as it's supposed to "sound" in the mind when read silently. As you find things to adjust, do it on the fly, then re-read until you're satisfied it's how YOU like it. Then have others do the same...

RHYME

I could tell that by the end of the poem, you wanted to rhyme REALLY bad. It starts more as a Free Form, then fights withthe two rhymes you ended up writing. USUALLY, these things do not go together. Rhyme or no rhyme - at least right now. As you get better and start catching your poetic wind in your proverbial sails, you'll be able to do more playing around with mixing forms and styles.

SPELLING/PUNCTUATION

There was no punctuation - which is fine if that's your style of writing. Quite a few pro poets use zero punctuation.

There were a couple of spelling erros and one omitted word, but I outline these below...minor stuff.

SUGGESTIONS

Okay, in this section, I do two things at once; outline the errors and make those corrective suggestions as well as suggest ideas on flow, rhythm, and possible rewrites/omissions. What is below are MY OPINIONS only and not meant to be a jack-boot to do it my way. *wink*

FIRST STANZA

FIRST LINE: I would suggest changing the word "SHOOTING" to "the."

THIRD LINE: Delete the phrase "upon all my" and combine that line with the one above.

FOURTH LINE: Change the phrase "just hoping my wishes" to "and hoped this dream"

SECOND STANZA

FIRST LINE: replce the phrase "used to" withthe word "once"; replce the word "pick" with "plucked"; and, replace the word "off" with "from"

SECOND LINE: Delete this entire line: "to see if it was true" - it's not needed.

FOURTH LINE: Delete the phrase "upon all my" and combine this line withthe prior line (just like in Stanza 1)

FIFTH LINE: I would suggest replacing this entire line with something along the lines of: "but the dream did not ensue"

THIRD STANZA

FIRST LINE: replace "throw" with "toss" - seems a lot gentler for the sentiment.

SECOND LINE: replace "my wish" with something like "this desire"

THIRD LINE: insert the word "be" between "it" and "wasted"; delete the phrase "like all the others"

FOURTH LINE: replace the word "wishing" with "waiting"

THINGS THAT I LIKED

LOVED the setup of the rhyme for each of the last lines.

FINAL COMMENTS

Try my suggestions, then go through and write it as YOU wish it to sound. You'll see how it improves in rhythm, flow, without having to rhyme more than the last line of each stanza.

When you have repetitive words, it's best to take out a thesaurus and replace them with similies. They'd mean the same thing, say exactly what you want, without sacrificing the original flow and losing the reader with repeated terms.

This poem has an emotional effect, Savannah. Not only can a reader "SEE" you sitting by water pondering the dude who's about to be jacked up by your uncle, the reader can also FEEL the meaning. A few terms and phrase adjustments and slight improvements to rhythm and flow and it'll be done!

TOTAL RATING:

(4 Stars)

END REVIEW

2

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14 days may be credited.

#1925488

Review of Sternum

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: E

| (3.0)

BEGIN REVIEW

With this review, I will forego using the normal review template and focus on the one or two things that gave me serious problems reading it. once these problems are corrected, you may feel perfectly welcome to resubmit the poem to my forum. I would be willing to clear my rating and rate/review again.

I am not intending to be unfair or overly harsh with this particular review. I am just point out things that really gave me a hard time and distracted me from a more in-depth review of this piece.

SUGGESTIONS

There are two things I really had a problem with - flow and rhyme scheme. Both are detailed below.

The flow and rhythm were almost impossible to find - to find evgen a rudimentary flow, I had to work really hard at it. But quickly found that once I did find that basic flow, two things happened: I forgot the point of the poem, and was thrown off by later problems with rhythm.

The peice is written ina free form style, yet has a lot of rhyme and ZERO punctuation. as such . . .

If you need to rhyme, please break the poem up into stanzas. HOWEVER, this may not need to be done IF . . .

. . . you use punctuation. Currently, there is none. THIS is what I suggest overall - put in effective punctuation. This way, you don;t have to break the poem into easier to read stanzas, nor do you have to do much more than break up a few moe lines here and there. Putting in punctuation will involve less work and time to correct this poem's flow.

FINAL COMMENTS

Again, feel free to post this sgain when the problem with flow is corrected a bit more. I would welcome an opportunity to re-rate/review. As it is, i was too distracte to really even get the point of or feel for the overall poem.

TOTAL RATING:

(3 Stars)

END REVIEW

3

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#1925476

Review of empty parking lot

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

BEGIN REVIEW

INITIAL IMPRESSION

A strange title, but intriguing. And, a refreshing journey to the car!

IMAGERY

Warm evening, starry sky, a walk to the car, leaving work at the end of a long, hard day

MOOD

Relaxed

FLOW/RHYTHM

Flow and rhythm were a bit off . . . mainly due to some additional words that aren't needed. see below Suggestions . . .

SPELLING/PUNCTUATION

No problems . . .

SUGGESTIONS

FIRST STANZA

3rd Line - replace the word "and" with a comma

SECOND STANZA

3rd line - replace 'and' with a comma; also, delete "-like" (since nothing else refers to this being outside of summer, this really isn't necessary for good imagery).

THIRD STANZA

3rd line - replace the phrase "and a" witha comma

4th Line - "Exiting the" can resotre flow here by using the word "leaving" (or something like "leaving")

THINGS THAT I LIKED/LOVED

Honestly, most people would be freaked out at leaving work, empty parking lot, at night! It's refreshing to see another point of view!

FINAL COMMENTS

Aside form the above, start paying a bit of attention to meter of the lines and stanzas as a whole. This poem screams for proper meter. now, if you don;t care about reaching professional level in poetry, then ignore what I just said.

Overall, it's a refreshing enjoyable poem.

TOTAL RATING:

(4 Stars)

END REVIEW

4

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14 days may be credited.

#1922378

Review of The Pianist

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: E

| (3.0)

BEGIN REVIEW

OPENING COMMENTS

With this review, I am foregoing the normal template I use. I will focus more on the flow your piece and skip everything else for now. I do this in certain cases when I notice a Free Form formatted poem that needs more help on flow/rhythm more than anything else. Nothing else will be commented upon at this time.

If you agree with this particular review, and choose to make the suggested changes, you are welcome to submit again. I will be happy to do a more detailed, normal review and possible change of my current rating.

FLOW/RHYTHM

The flow and rhythm was off - mainly due to lack of or improper line breaks in this Free Form poem. It's enough to distract. And, although your subject and the rest is pretty good, the structure takes most of the pleasure in reading the poem away.

Please don't worry about this initial review . . . I went through this, too, when I first starting adding Free Form to my poetry styles. It's an easy fix . . . see the Suggestions area below for tips on getting this fix done, and a way to get me to do a full, proper review on the rest of your piece.

SUGGESTIONS

Since Free Form is more prose than pure poetry, speech patterns must come through in your writings. The suggestions I will list below will deal only with your line breaks, which in Free Form directly effect the pattern of how the piece is read and accepted. The suggestion I give you is one I, myself, applied - and it worked wonderfully!

For EXCELLENT guidance on breaking your lines, please see "Invalid Item"

, Chapter 3. This was of a GREAT help to my own writing of Free Form and will help you, too. The chapter is short and easy to understand. Trust me, it'll be of great help to you, as it was for me! The author is also very happy to help out - just email her if you have any further questions on this particular form - but read the chapter before you email her.

FINAL COMMENTS

Please use the link above to help you break up the lines for easier flow. If you choose to make the changes I suggest, you are MORE than welcome to re-submit this to this forum. I would be more than happy to do a full review and a NEW rating.

Please remember, Free Form does not mean free of any type of format. The one HUGE thing that is necessary is the flow of the thought process. One of the biggest things you can do to find some of the difficult places in your writing is read it out loud, as if performing it for someone else.

TOTAL RATING:

(3.0 Stars)

END REVIEW

5

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#1917623

Review of Cocoon

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: E

| (4.5)

BEGIN REVIEW

INITIAL IMPRESSION

Another wonderful poem! I found it amazing that this glorified your relgious beliefs without using the names of God, Christ, or the phrase Holy Spirit. Good job - 100% imagery that gets the pont across without any problems!

IMAGERY

Life without God, life after God - and the obvious differences

MOOD

Happy/grateful

FLOW/RHYTHM

You have a rhythm and flow all of your own. With all 3 I have so far reviewed, the same rhythm and basic flow. In fact, you're so good at this, you should teach this to others!

RHYME

A b-d rhyme scheme; all full rhyme except at the end, where there is a slant.

SPELLING/PUNCTUATION

No problems . . .

SUGGESTIONS

FOURTH STANZA

I stumbled on the first line of this stanza. The reason being the normal and natural rhythm was disturbed by 9 syllables in this line. Other lins in the same spots in other stanzas have 7 or 8 syllables. This particular line just has one too many syllables and disturbed the rhythm I do have TWO suggestions that can help without much, if any, sacrifice: change "changing" to "change" and "into" to "to"

FIFTH STANZA

I had a problem with the trasnition from prey to butterfly in the last two line of this stanza. The two words as they are presented just don't seem to go well together. Butterflies are still prey: namely, playful cats, hungry birds, or speeding cars. I suggest changing the word "prey" to something that lines up more to the meaning - the cocoon of life changing you from worm to butterfly. "Worm" itself wouldn;t sound good . . . so something SIMILAR (rather than similie) would probably work well as a replacement.

THINGS THAT I LIKED/LOVED

I am really into the specific style and rhythm for your poetry. It's simple, easy to read, and works WONDERFULLY with your subject matter.

FINAL COMMENTS

Of the two things I listed above, I would say the FIRST is paramount to change. The second you CAN leave alone. It is understandbale (that second one), and my opinion is it just doesn't work very well (prey/butterfly). However, you CAn leave this one alone.

To be quite honest, i am not usually into religious poetry of ANY kind. They are usually the same, tedious, and boring. However, your are part of the few exceptions I have run across on this site. The rhythm and flow are perfect, there is no attempt at using bigger or more intellectual words (which points right to the simple FAITH required for such beliefs - well done there), and I dare say does SOLOMON'S poetry in Psalms and Songs of Solomon a lot of justice. I'm a big fan of the writings attributed to Solomon and I do believe your writings can easily be compared favorably to those writings. Keep it up!

TOTAL RATING:

(4.5 Stars)

END REVIEW

6

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14 days may be credited.

#1917376

Review of Rescue Me

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: E

| (5.0)

BEGIN REVIEW

INITIAL IMPRESSION

From the start, the first 2 stanzas, it wasn't totally clear that this is a poem glorifying the Savior. it could have also been about love of another person. The transition to what this REALLY was about was well done and very smooth.

IMAGERY

Glorification to God for shedding light in an otherwise dark life . . .

MOOD

Grateful

FLOW/RHYTHM

PERFECT! I had ZERO problems reading this one - silently or aloud. You have a real gift for poetic rhythm and flow . . .

RHYME

Rhyme scheme is b-d; the first two stanzas are full rhyme, the final 3 contain slants. And this works VERY well. Didn't mess up the read or understanding of the poem in the least.

SPELLING/PUNCTUATION

No problems here . . .

SUGGESTIONS

No suggestions!!

THINGS THAT I LIKED/LOVED

The gentle way you presented the darkness pierced by God's loving light! Well done!

FINAL COMMENTS

This poem, in my humble opinion is PERFECT as is. DOn't change a thing! It was a genuine pleasure to read. As per my personal policy, anyone I give a 5.0 to also recieved a "thank you" in the form of 5000 GPs. VERY, VERY WELL DONE!

TOTAL RATING:

(5 Stars)

END REVIEW

7

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14 days may be credited.

#1917374

Review of Barabas

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: E

| (4.5)

BEGIN REVIEW

INITIAL IMPRESSION

I really, really enjoyed this poem! The subject matter is one Christians never seem to touch upon in original, creative writings. And this was done SO well, I don;t have the words to express my pleasure.

IMAGERY

A conversation with the Biblical criminal Barabas . . . and a HINT of the hope ol' Barbabas had some sort of epiphony over his rather narrow escape from the cross . . .

MOOD

Hopeful and joyous

FLOW/RHYTHM

The flow and rhythm were PERFECT - except in one place. Due to one word that doesn't need to be in the poem. I liked this poem to much, I even toyed withthe idea of NOT mentioning it . . . but I had to. I will list this one problem i found inthe Suggestions area below . . .

Otherwise, I found myself in perfect rhythm reading each word and line . . . even found myself tapping my leg as I read it aloud.

RHYME

The rhyme scheme is b-d and f-h; a scarrtering of full rhyme and slanted rhyme that DOES NOT take away at all from the poem.

SPELLING/PUNCTUATION

Absolutely ZERO problems with either . . .

SUGGESTIONS

FIFTH STANZA

In the fourth line of this stanza, the word "we'll" is not needed. This is a compound sentence that has already been qualified by the "We'll" in the previous line. This word all by itself threw off the otherwise PERFECT rhythm. Delete that second "we'll" and the perfection will be restored!

THINGS THAT I LIKED/LOVED

The subject and the lovely way it was presented. Simply, in a word, astounding.

FINAL COMMENTS

I tell you, if writing.com allowed a 4.9 rating, I would have given it! The only problem I listed threw the rhythm and flow off enough to mention. But, otherwise, this poem was a JOY to read - I could actually see this being put out with illustrations as a children's book. WELL DONE!!

TOTAL RATING:

(4.5 Stars)

END REVIEW

8

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14 days may be credited.

#1917372

Review of Neewton

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: E

| (4.5)

BEGIN REVIEW

INITIAL IMPRESSION

The title was different enough to grab my attention. "What exactly is a Neeweton?" I asked myself. Of course, i found out . . .

IMAGERY

A fantasical land of . . . reincarnation; the flowing river of life between life.

MOOD

Expectant

FLOW/RHYTHM

The flow and rhythm were ALMOST perfect . . . the ONLY problem I encountered was the name "Neeweton." I had no idea how many syllables were supposed to be in the pronouciation - so i did that phoenetically. Which is where I stumbled - 1st stanza, 2nd line. After that, however, it was perfect rhythm and flow . . .

SPELLING/PUNCTUATION

No problems that I saw . . .

SUGGESTIONS

FIRST STANZA

If the name of the land is pronounced Ne-Ew-E-ton . . . I would suggest getting rid of the third "e" - making it Ne-ew-ton. That works better withthe flow, while preserving a wonderfully creative name . . .

THINGS THAT I LIKED/LOVED

Overall, I loved the 4-3-4 structure.

FINAL COMMENTS

Other than the name problem mentioned above, I saw nothing wrong with this poem! Well done!

TOTAL RATING:

(4.5 Stars)

END REVIEW

9

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14 days may be credited.

#1908216

Review of The Old Captain

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: E

| (3.0)

BEGIN REVIEW

OPENING COMMENTS

With this review, I am foregoing the normal template I use. I will focus more on the flow your piece and skip everything else for now. I do this in certain cases when I notice a Free Form formatted poem that needs more help on flow/rhythm more than anything else. Nothing else will be commented upon at this time.

If you agree with this particular review, and choose to make the suggested changes, you are welcome to submit again. I will be happy to do a more detailed, normal review and possible change of my current rating.

FLOW/RHYTHM

The flow and rhythm was off - mainly due to lack of or improper line breaks in this Free Form poem. It's enough to distract. And, although your subject and the rest is pretty good, the structure takes most of the pleasure in reading the poem away. Please don't worry about this insitial review . . . I went through this, too, when I first starting adding Free Form to my poetry styles. It's an easy fix . . . see the Suggestions area below for tips on getting this fix done, and a way to get me to do a full, proper review on the rest of your piece.

SUGGESTIONS

Since Free Form is more prose than pure poetry, speech patterns must come through in your writings. The suggestions I will list below will deal only with your line breaks, which in Free Form directly effect the pattern of how the piece is read and accepted. The suggestion I give you is one I, myself, applied - and it worked wonderfully!

For EXCELLENT guidance on breaking your lines, please see "Invalid Item"

, Chapter 3. This was of a GREAT help to my own writing of Free Form and will help you, too. The chapter is short and easy to understand. Trust me, it'll be of great help to you, as it was for me! The author is also very happy to help out - just email her if you have any further questions on this particular form - but read the chapter before you email her.

FINAL COMMENTS

Please use the link above to help you break up the lines for easier flow. If you choose to make the changes I suggest, you are MORE than welcome to re-submit this to this forum. I would be more than happy to do a full review and a NEW rating.

Please remember, Free Form does not mean free of any type of format. The one HUGE thing that is necessary is the flow of the thought process. One of the biggest things you can do to find some of the difficult places in your writing is read it out loud, as if performing it for someone else.

TOTAL RATING:

(3.0 Stars)

END REVIEW

10

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#1907687

Review of Within

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

BEGIN REVIEW

OPENING COMMENTS

With this review, I am foregoing the normal template I use. I will focus more on the flow your piece and skip everything else for now. I do this in certain cases when I notice a Free Form formatted poem that needs more help on flow/rhythm more than anything else. Nothing else will be commented upon at this time.

If you agree with this particular review, and choose to make the suggested changes, you are welcome to submit again. I will be happy to do a more detailed, normal review and possible change of my current rating.

FLOW/RHYTHM

The flow and rhythm was off - mainly due to lack of or improper line breaks in this Free Form poem. It's enough to distract. And, although your subject and the rest is pretty good, the structure takes most of the pleasure in reading the poem away. Please don't worry about this insitial review . . . I went through this, too, when I first starting adding Free Form to my poetry styles. It's an easy fix . . . see the Suggestions area below for tips on getting this fix done, and a way to get me to do a full, proper review on the rest of your piece.

SUGGESTIONS

Since Free Form is more prose than pure poetry, speech patterns must come through in your writings. The suggestions I will list below will deal only with your line breaks, which in Free Form directly effect the pattern of how the piece is read and accepted. The suggestion I give you is one I, myself, applied - and it worked wonderfully!

For EXCELLENT guidance on breaking your lines, please see "Invalid Item"

, Chapter 3. This was of a GREAT help to my own writing of Free Form and will help you, too. The chapter is short and easy to understand. Trust me, it'll be of great help to you, as it was for me! The author is also very happy to help out - just email her if you have any further questions on this particular form - but read the chapter before you email her.

FINAL COMMENTS

Please use the link above to help you break up the lines for easier flow. If you choose to make the changes I suggest, you are MORE than welcome to re-submit this to this forum. I would be more than happy to do a full review and a NEW rating.

Please remember, Free Form does not mean free of any type of format. The one HUGE thing that is necessary is the flow of the thought process. One of the biggest things you can do to find some of the difficult places in your writing is read it out loud, as if performing it for someone else.

TOTAL RATING:

(3.0 Stars)

END REVIEW

11

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#1907685

Review of Hibernating Trees

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: E

| (3.5)

BEGIN REVIEW

OPENING COMMENTS

With this review, I am foregoing the normal template I use. I will focus more on the flow your piece and skip everything else for now. I do this in certain cases when I notice a Free Form formatted poem that needs more help on flow/rhythm more than anything else. Nothing else will be commented upon at this time.

If you agree with this particular review, and choose to make the suggested changes, you are welcome to submit again. I will be happy to do a more detailed, normal review and possible change of my current rating.

FLOW/RHYTHM

The flow and rhythm was off - mainly due to lack of or improper line breaks in this Free Form poem. It's enough to distract. And, although your subject and the rest is pretty good, the structure takes most of the pleasure in reading the poem away. Please don't worry about this insitial review . . . I went through this, too, when I first starting adding Free Form to my poetry styles. It's an easy fix . . . see the Suggestions area below for tips on getting this fix done, and a way to get me to do a full, proper review on the rest of your piece.

SUGGESTIONS

Since Free Form is more prose than pure poetry, speech patterns must come through in your writings. The suggestions I will list below will deal only with your line breaks, which in Free Form directly effect the pattern of how the piece is read and accepted. The suggestion I give you is one I, myself, applied - and it worked wonderfully!

For EXCELLENT guidance on breaking your lines, please see "Invalid Item"

, Chapter 3. This was of a GREAT help to my own writing of Free Form and will help you, too. The chapter is short and easy to understand. Trust me, it'll be of great help to you, as it was for me! The author is also very happy to help out - just email her if you have any further questions on this particular form - but read the chapter before you email her.

FINAL COMMENTS

Please use the link above to help you break up the lines for easier flow. If you choose to make the changes I suggest, you are MORE than welcome to re-submit this to this forum. I would be more than happy to do a full review and a NEW rating.

Please remember, Free Form does not mean free of any type of format. The one HUGE thing that is necessary is the flow of the thought process. One of the biggest things you can do to find some of the difficult places in your writing is read it out loud, as if performing it for someone else.

TOTAL RATING:

(3.5 Stars)

END REVIEW

12

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#1905189

Review of On a Sunday in October

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: E

| (4.5)

BEGIN REVIEW

INITIAL IMPRESSION

This is a very romantic poem, about a walk and gentle conversation with her husband. Gave the definite impression of being newly weds just after the romance ebbed off, think about what's next? And, will they last? Well done!

IMAGERY

A country setting - tree lined walking path.

MOOD

Satisfied

FLOW/RHYTHM

Overall good - only a few places where it stumbled. See the below Suggestions area for this listing.

RHYME

The b-d rhyme scheme really worked great!

THINGS THAT I LIKED/LOVED

The image, and the thought process - the essence of realizing that things will last even after romance ebbs . . .

SUGGESTIONS

Stanza 1, line 4 - the word "in" would work better if you changed it to "into" - every time I read it aloud, that word kept coming out, without ruining the flow and rhythm. This poem BEGS for that to be done.

Stanza 2, third line - delete "Now" - it just doesn't fit and the rhythm is better without it

Stanza 3, line 3 - delete the word "now" here, too - same reasoning as above

Stanza 3, line 2 - this line is too long and REALLY messes up the rhythm. I would suggest using the word "proposed", but that would require the rhyme in the final line to be changed. If you don;t want to find a new line and rhyme for line 4, then I'm not really sure what to suggest for line 2. it does need to be a bit shorter to keep with the original rhythm.

FINAL COMMENTS

I really enjoyed this one . . . you are obviously a very talented poet. Very well done!

TOTAL RATING:

(4.5 Stars)

END REVIEW

13

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14 days may be credited.

#1903480

Review of The Chieftess' Sacrifice

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

BEGIN REVIEW

INITIAL IMPRESSION

The description over all got me interested. Hmmm . . . a chieftess having to make a political choice - family or tribe. And, this poem does live up to it's description.

IMAGERY

The hard feelings of such a decision - sarifice the daughter to preserve the culture, or sacrifice the culture for family ties . . . worst choice ANY leader could ever make - comes through quite clear.

FLOW/RHYTHM

The free form is pretty good on flow and rhythm . . .

MOOD

Anguished

SPELLING/PUNCTUATION

No problems that I caught

THINGS THAT I LIKED/LOVED

The main point to show what a leader faced with such a choice (preservation of society or the family).

SUGGESTIONS

The first problem i had was the use of the word "Amazons". The Amazonian tribes (the ones that WERE actually all female) were South America, not Africa. And, I don;t recall my studies covering any all-female tribes in West Africa. Honestly, there are NO references to Africa itself in the piece, so perhaps a suggested change would be to the description to say a South American Queen.

The third stanza, line 5 - I would suggest changing "the chieftess'" to simply the word "Her" - chieftess' is a bit awkward, and "her" wouldn't take away from or leave any question to whom you refer.

Final stanza, last line - same thing as mentioned above.

FINAL COMMENTS

Aside form the locale in your description, and what is listed above, no problems! It's a great story, as well. I could actually see her anguish, feel it. Well done!

TOTAL RATING:

(4 Stars)

END REVIEW

14

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14 days may be credited.

#1903459

Review of When It Falls

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

BEGIN REVIEW

INITIAL IMPRESSION

This is a nice romantic tryst, one particular encounter between two lovers.

IMAGERY

A slow rainy day, when love suddenly calls

FLOW/RHYTHM

This is a Free Form style of poem, and the flow and rhythm are quite nicely done.

MOOD

At first relaxed, then slowly moves toward passionate

SPELLING/PUNCTUATION

Two places to note regarding grammar:

The line and bristle me, now and then" - bristle is the wrong word to use here. No definition of the word is anything other than rather . . . unappealing. Perhaps using "brush" instead would work better.

In the line "what could it be?" - try placing the word "asking" at the very beginning of the line.

SUGGESTIONS

In the second stanza, first line - it's not all that clear to the reader what "on saturn means. It may be the car he's working on, but it gives more of an image of being on the planet Saturn. Could be you meant to convey he's so preoccupied with his car that he may as well be millions of miles away . . . it is unclear.

The line "like a scythe in a wheatfield" doesn't work at all for the imagery and idea here. Preceeded immedialy by him banning on the garage wall, you then have this line. Honestly, I know how scythes work and have seen them used. Neither using a scythe nor banging on a garage wall really brings to mind the other. If intended to actually describe the NEXT line ({:c:plum}blindly waving for me to run to him) . . . again, a scythe would be swung downward - a wave would be upward and side to side. Either way, he image was off in this part.

Same stanza, final line - falling rain like prayers. I'm afraid I didn't understand this at all . . . I found myself asking myself what falling rain or swinging would have to do with prayers . . .

In the ninth stanza, first 2 lines - In the previous stanza, you were inside the garage with him, sitting on the stoll. Suddenly, we're propelled outside intot h rain - without any warning or sense that either moved to he outside. Confusion sets in when trying to keep the image going . . . is it in the garage or in the rain? And, if in the rain, how'd y'all get out there without us knowing about it?

In the then stanza, first line - you use the word "lullabys" to describe the soft falling rain. HOWEVER, previously in the poem, the rain you mention has been "prickly" or "bristling" - this moves us to thinking why the change? Was the rain harder, or softer? If soft, when did the rain let up? We missed that part, too . . .

The following stanza didn;t make any sense to me:

it is falling,
Like diamonds, like a
wedding cake, like proud parents,
like a castle in the mist,
like old age
with opension, like the jewel box he
once made for me,
like the first time we ever met.

Quite honestly, I think YOU know what these things mean and how they relate, but I would challenge anyone who doesn't know you at all to actually explain what the rest of the poem has to do with "old age with pension," "a wedding cake," "diamonds," and "proud parents." The correlation is not at all clear.

Additionally, the above quoted stanza has fallen drastically from the previously tight format you kept up for the flow of the poem itself. This stanza gives the impression of being quickly added to provide an end - as if writer's block interfered and you just had to finish it.

Lastly, and more importantly, I didn;t at all FEEL what the girl was feeling in this poem - I didn't feel her reluctance to disturb her peaceful contemplation, nor did I actaully feel any of the passion or emotion she has for her man. This reads more like a "this is what I did today" piece rather than "this is how I feel."

FINAL COMMENTS

I really didn't want to be that tough on this piece . . . but honestly, after taking 2 full days to think abotu this one, I had to be. And, i'll probably take some flak for it . . . just remember, this MY opinion. This poem has a lot of potential. Tighten it up a bit and it'll start to shape itself, present your original passions, and start bringing the reader into it's proverbial web. I would like you to think seriously about working more on this one.

TOTAL RATING:

(3 Stars)

END REVIEW

15

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14 days may be credited.

#1903092

Review of Inequity

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

BEGIN REVIEW

INITIAL IMPRESSION

I did understand the overall intent of the author - and this was presented very well.

IMAGERY

Presented as a desire to heal a wounded innocent, this piece overall conveys a desire to finally end the idiotic necessity called "war" to prevent such thing from happening at all . . . good luck!

FLOW/RHYTHM

Flow and rhythm were mainly just fine - this is Free Form, and the flow/rhythm come more from the words used and proper presentation of thought. Overall well done - please see the Suggestions area below for the ideas to correct something that may be a problem . . .

RHYME

A couple of places rhyme, even if the description says this is a non-rhyme piece. This does throw the piece off a bit - see Suggestions below . . .

MOOD

Dark and Dreary - sad

SPELLING/PUNCTUATION

No problems that I saw . . .

THINGS THAT I LIKED/LOVED

The author's desire was evident - and this over everything else I loved. The presentation of personal desire and thought here was quite overwhelming and well done!

SUGGESTIONS

The punctuation is a bit off. If you really aren't into proper use of punctuation, then i might suggest not using any at all. However, with a Free Form piece, it is wise to use punctuation to ease readers into the chain of thoughts that you present. As such, you should go through the piece and pay special attention to where you have commas (for example). Some of them will require periods.

You say in yoru description this piece is non-rhyme. Overall this is true, however it BEGINS with a perfect rhyme (cry/why). This alone serves to throw off the overall flow. Going from rhyme to non-rhyme doesn't work here.

Speaking of that stanza . . . the third line doesn't really work . . . you know why you cry. I suggest a non-rhyme replacement of the entire line to present that you know - "why" follows in he poem itself.

Since it's non-rhyme, I would replace ONE of the words "life" in the second stanza. You have two in that one and it seems a bit too redundant. So, replacing it with a word that mean the same thing would probably serve much better for this one . . .

FINAL COMMENTS

Although I do not see the world as you do, i do have the same "fantasy" to see humanity just stop the silly wars oer resources and just begin to share them (which would negate ALMOST all reasons to go to war in the first place). Any wars after that fantasy world is created would then revolve more around freedom or control of people (anti-freedom). Anyway, I did enjoy the piece overall. Well done!

TOTAL RATING:

(4.5 Stars)

END REVIEW

16

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14 days may be credited.

#1899360

Review of Life's wishes

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: E

| (4.0)

This is my second review for this edited poem . . .

BEGIN REVIEW

OVERALL IMPRESSION

This is MUCH better. See below for even more ideas on how to get this up a bit more . . . I will skip most of my regular reviewing and just go right to the SUGGESTIONS . . .

SUGGESTIONS

Separate the first line form the first stanza 9so there's a space between the very first line and the rest of the 4 line stanza) - keep the indention.

Line 4 of stanza 1 - Add the word "that at the beginning ("That you could start over?")

Line 5 of stanza 1 - replace "you could be" with "Or, become"

Delete the very first line of the second stanza.

The second stanza should have a total of FIVE indented lines - you only have 3 (try adding a couple more along that thought and main point)

In the 3rd stanza, 1st line - delete the phrase "it finally seems ridiculous" (it isn't needed)

In the third stanza, 2nd line - delete "you finally break"

In the 3rd stanza, 3rd line - delete "Then you"; replace "plead" with "pleading"; and, "would" with "does"

In the 3rd stanza, 4th line - indent this line

In the 3rd stanza, 5th line - totally delete this line (keep the next line indented)

The following is for the 4th stanza:

Place a ... after "You lost faith"

Delete ALL of the words "Your"

Delete the word "devotion" in the 2nd line

2nd line - replace "in" with "your"; also, "was" with "is"; and finally, delete "to be found"

3rd line - place the word "no" prior to "reliance"; replace "in" with "on"; delete "drifted"

4th line - place the word "no" prior to "trust"; replace "everyone" with "anyone"

5th line - delete the word "exist"

END of 4th stanza suggestions

In the FIFTH stanza - move that first line to be UNDER the first stanza . . . make it stand alone between the current 1st and second stanzas.

FIFTH stanza, 2nd line - delete "then the talented"

FIFTH stanza - 3rd line - delete "going to be" AND "with what we have"

FIFTH stanza, 4th line - delete "it's" and the quotes

FIFTH stanza, 5th line - delete the quotes and "is it" (should then read as only Why, I ask?

FINAL COMMENTS

Check the above out, then read it aloud to yourself a few times - you may feel the flow and rhythm each greatly increase - without sacrificing your original message and intent. With saying less with this piece, you actually end up saying the same thing - or even more.

I had a great time with this - if you want to come back again, feel free. I changed my rating on this current piece to 4.0 since you did a lot of work on the edits. I think I can help you get it to a 4.5 (in my opinion).

"NEW" RATING:

(4.0 Stars)

END REVIEW

17

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14 days may be credited.

#1899353

Review of You Wish you Could Fly

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: E

| (4.5)

BEGIN REVIEW

OVERALL IMPRESSION

A dream of flying, naive try to do just that (without aid of manufactured wings), and the obvious . . . end? Strangely, this one made me laugh . . .

FLOW/RHYTHM

Flow and rhythm were nearly perfect. In the SUGGESTIONS area below are what I advise changing.

RHYME

The rhyme was not forced and worked very well. A b-d scheme . . .

IMAGERY

The image of a child seeing nature's creations flying around, wanting to do it, and then trying it. Perfectly conveyed . . .

MOOD

Hopeful, then (strangely) sad yet humorous!

SPELLING/PUNCTUATION

No problems with either.

THINGS THAT I LIKED/LOVED

The entire subject and they way the poem seemlessly got the point across - no problems reaching the end from the beginning. it was simply . . . logical, yet poetic! A difficult combination.

SUGGESTIONS

In the 4th line of the 1st stanza - try switching "You will" with "at least' - thus getting "At least you will try" I think this sounds better . . .

In the final stanza, 3rd line - I would suggest placing the word "of" just before the word "peace"

The 4th line of the final stanza - "peace" in this line is redundant to the one in the previous line - sort of throws the flow a bit. I would suggest using either "calm," "quiet" or "silence"

FINAL COMMENTS

As mentioned above, although this person did NOT come to a good end . . . I had a chuckle. Not at the image of someone going SPLAT and losing their life over it, but more at the wording used to describe it! "A short stop" was well chosen for this effect - WELL DONE!

TOTAL RATING:

(4.5 Stars)

END REVIEW

18

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14 days may be credited.

#1899334

Review of Crossing Over

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: E

| (4.5)

BEGIN REVIEW

OVERALL IMPRESSION

At first glance, I cringed. I'm more partial to "old fashioned" stuff. Freeform just isn't my thing. HOWEVER, this iece, in all honesty, almost converted me. It DID convert me to your poem. I found I WANTED to read it more than 2 or 3 times. I ended up reading it 6 times, 4 times out loud.

Anyway, the courage until death was abundantly clear and well conveyed!

FLOW/RHYTHM

The flow of words to thought for me worked nicely. And, i found the rhythm on my 4th read (sometimes, with this form it takes me some time to figure it out).

IMAGERY

The image is of a man dying, bitter-sweet feelings about it, yet facing it with great courage (accepting the inevitable).

MOOD

Dark yet hopeful - a promise of the "beyond" yet focused on the moment

SPELLING/PUNCTUATION

No problems with either . . .

THINGS THAT I LIKED/LOVED

The way the poem from start to finish showed us the courage of one man in facing the final moment of his life on Earth. it was done without fear, darnkess, and with absolutely no dread of what was coming. I didn't tear up, but I was somber - a definite plus!

SUGGESTIONS

Where you have "pick pick picking", I think picking is enough. The "pick pick" did distract me each time I read it. It worked BETTER when read aloud, but not silently. If performed by you to a live audience, this would be fine to leave in. For straight mainly silent reading, most I think would also find this hard to get back into the flow and rhythm . . .

These lines:

His limbs grey and weathered like the
tree limbs the forest calls down around him"

These didn't seem to make much sense to me. By this point, I envisioned the man laying in a room on a bed - the second of these lines brings a seemingly contrasting image of being out in nature (like out on a porch or in a garden surrounded by an abundance of trees).

The line with the Colorado River - may I suggest replacing "the Colorado" with a word "a"? Most people won;t know what the Colorado River is - sadly, even some US residents. They'll envision this much better with a general reference rather than something more specific.

Or, perhaps, "A raging river" might work as well . . .

FINAL COMMENTS

I hope this describes me when it's MY time!

Well done!

TOTAL RATING:

(4.5 Stars)

END REVIEW

19

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14 days may be credited.

#1898600

Review of I hold my head up high!

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: E

| (4.0)

BEGIN REVIEW

OVERALL IMPRESSION

All about getting through life without giving up and giving in . . .

FLOW/RHYTHM

It was off quite a bit, HOWEVER, this is an EASY fix. See below in my Suggestions area for these easy fixes.

IMAGERY

Resolution to never give up or give in! Wonderfully conveyed!

MOOD

Hopeful and resolute!

THINGS THAT I LIKED/LOVED

The subject itself - showing that problems do happen (to some more than others), and that NOT giving up or giving in you grow more wisdom and can have a happier life (eventually).

SUGGESTIONS

EASY fixes. mainly to do with deleting certain passages and one line change . . .

Delete the following: 2nd stanza, 4th stanza, 5th stanza, 6th stanza.

You only need stanzas 1, 3, and 7 without sacrificing anything you mean to say (you main point).

See how easy that is? Try the above and read the poem! Shorter, a bit sweeter, and it says the same thing!

Three more minor things:

Last line of stanza 1 . . . you can get rid of "I walk", then add the last line to the one directly above. You'll end up with "And I walk through life!"

Same line - change "walk" to something like "glide" (or whatever you want). make this a bit more "breezy" and hopeful.

The final line of the poem: "Then life becomes less fearless" - Honestly, this didn't make sense. The poem conveys less fear, not more fear. I think you meant to convey you will become more curageous (facing fear) and thus becoming seemingly less fearful. I would suggest changing this to be simply "I will be fearless . . .".

FINAL COMMENTS

Although my hard copy of this is all kinds of messed up with marks, this was really a nice piece. I liked it a lot better than your previous submission. It's a lot easier to edit and cut down to convey your main thoughts without losing the integrity of the piece. Although you have a lot to say, sometimes you can say more with less. This piece is a stellar example of that very thing! Well done!

TOTAL RATING:

(4.0 Stars)

END REVIEW

20

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14 days may be credited.

#1898561

Review of The charred remains of the human soul-FX

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

BEGIN REVIEW

OVERALL IMPRESSION

A well-constructed poem about the current state of Human Affairs.

FLOW/RHYTHM

For a poem without strict structure, it flows very well and has good rhythm! The placement of words in strategic places within the lines is really done very well. I find most poems, even written by the pros, to be tedious and boring, overall. THIS WAS NOT! Well thought out, well constructed, easy reading! And, truthful!

IMAGERY

Human Nature - the closest I have seen to having a truthful, "shakespearean" slant than I have seen in a long time; done better than most contemporary poets.

MOOD

Disappointed/jaded - a truthful realization of human societies.

SPELLING/PUNCTUATION

You really should think about the capitalization in this piece. Some lines are capped, most aren't. Settle on one and do it.

I think this piece would benefit from proper punctuation, since it is a prose form.

Just a couple of spelling errors:

In the line "To blind to see" - should be "too"

In the line "hanin on crosses . . .", should be "hanging"

And one grammattical error:

In the line, "Will you consolidate the crying mothers . . .", did you mean to use "console" - consolidate means to bring together as one; this idea doesn't seem to fit the rest of the piece, as "console" would do just that!

THINGS THAT I LIKED/LOVED

The subject itself - this is hard to put into words, and you did this perfectly well!

The following drove the entire point home:

the people stop thinking
the people stop thinking
the people stop thinking
they stop thinking.
the try and fail
I cry,

What power those line bring to the poem. And, the fact that they are in the MIDDLE of the piece, really does a great job of conveying the thoughts overall WITHOUT bringing the piece to an end - just yet. I found this to be quite artistic.

SUGGESTIONS

Mainly, I have suggestions that have to do with line breaks - to move some parts or some line to a new line for better flow of the piece overall. There are two lines that i didn't understand - I'll list those two first, then the line breaks afterward:

The line "Try out for the guard national alarm" - I didn't really understand this. The words don't seem quite right and left me a bit confused over what you were wanting to say.

The line "they the minority of control race unknown" - I have no idea what this means. It's unclear . . .

Now, the line break suggestions:

Line 6 should be broken somewhere of your choice. It's the same idea, but long enough to actually distract.

Line 10 - break this line starting at "we live in a perfect nation . . ."

Line 13 - break this line starting at the last actual word . . . "a"

Line 14 - break it starting at "a hirrid action . . .

Line 16 - a break starting at "the cameras . . ."

Line 34 - a break starting at "the mothers baby tarred . . ."

Line 55 - break it up starting at "but on all who dare . . ."

Line 82 - two breaks suggested. The first that I think would be best on it's own line would be "spear in hand", and the other would be "hammer in tow"

Other Suggestions:

Speaking of "hammer in toe" - perhaps "nail in toe" might work better, since that line deals with Christ's cross experience. (line 82)

Line 79 - Where you say "will you break out the cobweb truth" - I think is may work better if you said "cobwebbed"

FINAL COMMENTS

You know, I was enthralled by this poem. You have a very, and truthful, almost "shakesperean" view of human nature. You touched on pretty much everything that defines us as a world society: religion, polotics, war, peace, the market-place, the desire not to think about what we do or who we follow, gullibility . . . a good grip. Very well done!

TOTAL RATING:

(4.5 Stars)

END REVIEW

21

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14 days may be credited.

#1896176

Review of Firefly

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: E

| (4.0)

BEGIN REVIEW

OVERALL IMPRESSION

A poem (lyric) about unrequited love and desire . . .

FLOW/RHYTHM

Since it's a lyric, flow isn't really a concern. however, Rhythm is. Lyrics are supposed to be written as if going to be set (or already set) to music. Rhythm of thew lyric is required for proper rhythm of the melody . . . in this, the rhythm is a bit off in places. More bent toward the thought process than performance.

Rather than go through a long diatribe and listing for this one, I do ask you to do something. Print the poem, stand up, walk around a bit, and read the thing out loud to yourself - as if you are performing it for others. I think you will easily find the rough spots. Reading aloud reveals much more than murmering, whispering, or silently reading. trust me - it works wonders . . .

Doing this will develop the rhythm right away - and when you stumble or have trouble keeping the rhythm, you'll know that's a rough spot that needs a bit of attention and some smoothing. (wink)

However, hard rock songs rarely have proper rhythm, sine the music and melody would be easier to bend to the words (which are usually written before or at the same time as the music). if this is the case, then ignore what is above . . .

RHYME

The rhyme is quaint - and enjoyable. the Scheme being a-a-b-b-c-c - always a good choice for a lyric . . .

However, the rhyme does seem "forced" in quite a few spots. Almost as if you had a hard time thinking up a rhyme to the line prior and looked one up. I sometimes do that, too. Even if you didn't do this, the rhyming seems quite forced in places and should be looked at a bit more closely.

For example, the 3rd stanza's "friend" and "rend" - rend means to rip or tear - so the POINT is right on. But, it doesn't seem to work, really. When slashing something or someone, you aren't rending them - you're cutting them. With the image you wish to convey, this doesn't work well at all.

Then there's the 3rd verse (5th stanza) - "world" and "girl" seem more forced than the above example. it;s a slant rhyme, where you don;t have this elsewhere. So, it doesn't fit either.

Things like that . . .

IMAGRY

Imagry is okay; we've all been there, so it's easy to imagine the author's emotions and frustrations

MOOD

Blue, frustrated, a bit despressed - yet hopeful! This one just won't give up!

One suggestion though - may I ASSUME you are a male? If so, it kinda shows. The feelings conveyed are clear enough to IMAGINE (see Imagry above). I suggest you bring up some of these actual emotions and put them down in this pice - make us FEEL it. As is, it almost reads more like a chronicle than a living, breathing lyric that "speaks" to the readers.

remember, in this type of writing, with this type of emotion, you are not looking for sympathy - you want EMPATHY.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION

Grammar and spelling are fine. There are a host of places that need proper punctuation. I won't list them here, however taking my suggestion to read it out loud will reveal these places for the most part. Keep in mind - where you naturally pause, likely a comma is to be used. Where the pause is a bit longer, possibly a semi-colon or dash (depending on where int he line this pause happens). And, where there is an obvious end of a sentence, a period.

THINGS THAT I LIKED/LOVED

I liked the format itself - lyric is one of my favorites. Big music buff, and I started writing this way . . . near to my heart.

The similar ending was also very nie to see. Just like a good story-song - in fact, it almost sounds COUNTRY! (gasp) Or, maybe Folk . . .

SUGGESTIONS

As mentioned above, more emotion needs to be put in this piece. Make US feel it. It does come off as the "hero" being more obsessive, possessive, even dangerous, rather than making me feel his pain and anguish. More like a stalker, to be quite honest.

To increase the rhythm, try counting the syllables on in the lines of the first stanza. Settle on that as a model for the other verses. The choruses are fine as is . . . I only reference the verses here. Anyway, then try to stay as close as possible to the same line by line counts as set by the first verse . . .

A title change my be necessary - a "firefly" usually is something more of a hope, dream, something peaceful - not torn with anguish or any type of negative slant. I know, it;s probably written for a contest - once this one is over, I would seriously suggest a change in title and subject to better match the mood, overall. She's not the "hero's" firefly yet - so perhaps ONE mention of her POSSIBLY becoming this would be enough, with a change for the rest of the piece.

Ignore all typoes above and below - it's late . . .

In the 4th line of the first verse - delete the word "straight" and chamge "screaming" to something closer to "crying" - when in this much pain, it's okay not to be a big, bad, tough man! (grin) Screaming is ore of an angry, possessive response, where crying would fit more to he theme of the poem. Remember, write it as you feel it.

FINAL COMMENTS

I had a VERY hard time resolving the peaceful thought of a firefly with the actual message of the poem itself (as yet unrequited love). I would seriously suggest you consider choosing another word to replace firefly, something that wouldn't distract from the idea itself.

I did, however, really enjoy the lyrical format. The verse, chorus, verse structure was a great breath of fresh air.

TOTAL RATING:

(4.0 Stars)

END REVIEW

22

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14 days may be credited.

#1896162

Review of Life's wishes

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: E

| (3.5)

This won't be as bad as you think - I see GREATNESS in this piece, if done right. The general idea is a perfect one - I'd like to see you develop this particular poem a bit more . . .

BEGIN REVIEW

OVERALL IMPRESSION

The age old question: "Why aren't we content and always seem to want more?" An unusual subject.

FLOW/RHYTHM

Flow and rhythm were off quite a bit - I will make my suggestions in the proper area below .. .

RHYME

Strangely, this poem does not rhyme. Doesn't quite work as it is, but it CAN with a few simple changes to he structure - then even if a FEW places rhyme and others don;t it won;r really matter . . . see below

IMAGRY

Questioning confusion

MOOD

Confused, wondering

SPELLING/GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION

No spelling or grammar errors - a few punctuation. However, i won;t mention those at all - I want to focus more on perfecting the structure for this before tackling the finer points . . .

THINGS THAT I LIKED/LOVED

The subject matter itself . . . asked by everyone at some time or another . . . mainly without real answers 9which is the first clue as to who really can give you that answer . . .)

SUGGESTIONS

Alright, here we go. . .

There are far too many instances of repeated phrases. It's very distracting. "Don't you wish" "Wish to" "You lost" and "Why" are the ones that take away so much from what this poem can be.

An example of the change I'd make to each is below (using the first stanza as an example):

You wrote:

Don't you wish life would slow down?
Don't you wish time would just stop?
Don't you wish life and time coud rewind?
Don't you wish you could start over?
Don't you wish you could be someone else?

Try this instead:

Don't you wish . . .
   Life would slow down?
   Time would just stop?
   Everything coud rewind?
   You could start over?
   You could be someone else?

You see how that works a little better. Same thing, but doesn't take away from your actual moral or message.

The same can be done with the other repeated phrases. try playing around with this and see how it works for you. For this piece, I think that structure would be MUCH better, without having to totally re-write the thing.

After the first stanza, try finding other words to replace the word "wish". Examples would be: long, yearn, hanker, desire, thirst, hope, pray, beg and so on . . . pull out a thesaurus, or find one online, and check out all the words that can replace "wish" without losing much, if any, of your intended rhythm and flow. Same ideas, no one loses the point, and you preserve your original intent.

Do the same thing for the word "faith" in the 4th stanza. This way, you can create more flexibility for yourself by heading this stanza with "You lost" (as opposed to "You lost faith"), in case other ideas occur to you that seem better for that stanza - would also allow you to expand the lines after the heading in order to flesh things out a bit and keep the poem in proper rhythm.

FINAL COMMENTS

There is much more I could point out, but I don't want to overwhelm you with too many edits and ideas. Try the above out, get it working for the piece and for what you want, and then come back here for another go-around. I would be more than happy to increase the rating and help you develop this into something you can enter into contests without reservation.

I think this has the potential of a 5.0 poem. if you;re willing, let's work on it together and get it to where you truly want it to be. Do the above, come back here, and we'll do it again. I can always change my rating, so it's not a problem!

TOTAL RATING:

(3.5 Stars)

END REVIEW

23

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14 days may be credited.

#1896137

Review of Luminesce

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: E

| (4.5)

BEGIN REVIEW

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Beauty - this poem can be applied to a lot of things: being in a lover's arsm, God's arms, or in the embrace of the sun (even the moon and stars). Could be a parent, brother or sister, anything or anyone who means the world to the reader. Very flexbile meaning . . .

FLOW/RHYTHM

Overall, I liked the flow and rhythm. There are some places that need some attention. I'll list those inthe Suggestions area below . . .

RHYME

This poem does not rhyme . . . and it works!

IMAGRY

As touched upon above, this is a wonderfully flexible poem that can have a personal or spiritual meaning to whomever reads it. An image of utter tranquility in the arms of love . . .

MOOD

Easy, romantic, almost spiritual

SPELLING/GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION

Spelling and grammar were fine; a few suggestions on punctuation, though:

3rd line, 2nd stanza - commas after "soft", and at the end of the line

4th line, 2nd stanza - comma after eloquent, and a semi-colon at the end of the line

4th line of the 2nd stanza - semi-colon at the end

3rd line of the 3rd stanza - a camma at the end

1st line of the 4th stanza - a comma at the end

1st line of the final stanza - comma after the word "For"

THINGS THAT I LIKED/LOVED

The flexibility of the meaning to anyone reading this is WONDERFUL!

The structure - very pleasing to the eye.

SUGGESTIONS

A few suggestion other than what was mentioned above:

In the first stanza, the line All i see is your eyes - "is" should be "are" . . .

The 2nd line of the 2nd stanza - getting rid of "touches and" will work wonders for the flow of this piece. "Titillates" is all you need to convey the feeling and thought.

The last line of the third stanza - it;s a bit unclear exactly who is aspiring for more - you or the subject of the poem?

First line of the 4th stanza - I suggest placing the word "My" before giver - so it'll read My giver, my muse - much more poetic.

Combine the 4th and 5th stanzas into one. It just struck me that they'd look and read better if they were together, rather than separated as they are now . . .

Speaking of the current 5th stanza, that first line - The words "this consummate' can be replaced by the word "yours" - and you will see why in the next point . . .

The line "in this night" should read "on this night"

Move the first line of the 5th stanza to become the 3rd. It would then read thus:

For in this moment,
on this night,
in your embrace,
I shine.

FINAL COMMENTS

I really liked this one - a lot! All the suggestions I made are minor changes, so this one gets a nice . . .

TOTAL RATING:

(4.5 Stars)

END REVIEW

24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#1896108

Review of School Kids

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

BEGIN REVIEW

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Reminded me of MY High school years - although I'm a guy. Although, my sis tells me girls are even worse to one another . . . this one hit a chord with me - a good one (in a way)

FLOW/RHYTHM

The flow and rhythm was pretty far off. mainly, this was due to a lot of the lines being far too long in places. The rest was due to the lack of punctutation in the proper places.

RHYME

This piece did not need rhyme . . .

IMAGRY

The imagry was dead on. I got it immediately. Even had i bnot gone through it myself, i think I would have gotten it. So, dead on for imagry. Good job on this!

MOOD

Depressed and foul . . . as it should be. Again, good job on this part.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION

No problems on grammar and spelling. However, punctuation is very much needed. I usually list the changes or additions that should be made, but there are too many to do so. I will suggest, though, to read the poem out loud, as if performing it for someone else. Do that a few times and you should easily figure out where commas and periods need to go.

THINGS THAT I LIKED/LOVED

I really like that you are writing this out - assuming you are going throguh this (or have done so) - rather than actually doing what you feel.

SUGGESTIONS

Below are a few suggestions that will improve this piece:

Replace all the "&" signs with the word "and"

In line 2, split the line starting with the word "went" (get rid of "&" or "and")

Line 4 is rather awkward. Perhaps changing the word "elementary" to "primary" would work better for the flow here

In the same line (number 4), "through out" should be "throughout" (one word)

After line 4, there should be a break to create a new stanza to denote the change in time-frame

Line 5 - change "piggy" to "pig"

Line 9 - this is one of the lines that really throws off the rhythm. My suggestions are: get rid of the word "her", put the word "more" in between two and years (two more years), and delete the words "junior high"

After Line 9, put in a break to begin a new stanza

The line Over the summer she really blossomed can be moved to be under the line A new chance, a fresh start. Seems to work better there . . .

In line 20 - you can replace the words "elementary & junior high" with the word "previous"

Line 24 - Delete "of it's holder"

Also in line 24 - move the word "out" to be after "pulled" (it would then be Instead she pulled out a gun . . .

The final line left me confused. "Alright - this is the end, I'm not - that's all there is. It's broken like it's not complete. If it is complete, then I could make no sense of it. Not, . . . what?

lastly, even if the above line was incomplete, I have a feeling the story would end there. if so, then it would still leave us all hanging. What happened afterward? Car chase, she gets shot by the security guard, shoots herself? Arrested, prison and execution? Seems to need a final resolution of some sort . . .

FINAL COMMENTS

This poem needs a lot of work. it seems more of a rough draft, first write, rather than something actually worked on for a day or few before posting it. If this isn;t the case, I do apologize.

Go through it, recite it out loud 3 or 4 times, each time marking where you may need some punctuation - easier that way for long pieces like this. You will also likely find a few places (lines or words) that need to be re-written or replaced.

I did like the theme and subject, and think this one has potential to be much better. Work on this one for a few days or so . . .I think you can spruce it up to be much better. I would be happy to re-evaluate my review and rating once that's done . . .

TOTAL RATING:

(3.0 Stars)

END REVIEW

25

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#1895060

Review of The Pink House

Review by Michael Wonch

Rated: E

| (3.0)

I gotta apologize right off. This review will screw up your current rating stats. But, I promised an honest opinion, and after a bit of agonizing over my final reviews, I thought I'd best give it anyway . . .

BEGIN REVIEW

OVERALL IMPRESSION

I did like it. In fact, the theme throughout reminded me of a more in-depth version of John mellencamp's "Pink Houses." Wow - way back in 1983 . . . dated myself there, eh? Anyway, this is a good poem, refreshing in the point that it's mainly about MEMORY, not over-burdened with emotional turmoil. A very good piece . . .

FLOW/RHYTHM

I had a real problem with the flow and rhythm. It has more to do with words used and word placement; and only a little to do with the format itself . . .

RHYME

There a small rhyme scheme - very original. I almost missed it. But, when I figured it out, I was able to really enjoy the poem. Very well done on this part . . .

Although "surprising" and "amusing" don't seem to mesh well - this is the only slant rhyme, while the others are perfect rhymes. The only flaw in the scheme that i was able to see.

IMAGRY

I enjoyed the imagry. A rural setting, hedgerow, garden gate, the pink house, and the old man. I felt as if I were there witnessing the entire event - or that i was actually the one to whom Old Jack was speaking! I swear, i could actually hear birds chirping . . . maybe a bee bugging me . . . it was really relaxing.

MOOD

Relaxed, a LITTLE melancholy (as such memories tend to be), and enjoyable.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION

No problem with spelling. One with grammar, and a few places that would need some punctuation attention, though.

Line 2 of the 2nd Stanza . . . whoever should be whomever.

A period after the 2nd line, 2nd stanza

A semi-colon after the 6th line of the 2nd stanza

1st line of the 4th Stanza, should be a semi-colon right at the end

A comma after the 2nd line of the 4th stanza

A period after the 3rd and 4th lines of that 4th stanza

A semi colon after the word loo (6th line of the 4th stanza)

The 2nd, 4th, and 6th lines of the 5th stanza should boast periods.

The 5th line of the final (5th) stanza should have a semi-colon

THINGS THAT I LIKED/LOVED

The imagry and conveyance of the memory through an interaction in the present. LOVED that!

SUGGESTIONS

There are a host of suggestions I would make in additon to the punctuation corrections above . . .

The first line of the third stanza is too short. A descriptive word or two (adjectives) inserted into the sentence would really go a long way toward achieving the intended rhythm and flow of this piece.

In the 3rd stanza, the is a line ("We used to come here"). This comes right after mentioning the tree-house. Now, I can use my brian and THINK hard abotu this and KNOW you are talking abotu the house itself (and not the one in the tree). However, the impression at first is you are talking about the tree-house. A new tree house that you used to hide in as a child doesn't quite make much sense. You really do ask yourself at first how that can be . . . I suggest a bit of revision there to clarify.

In the 3rd stanza, there is a word you use - anecdotes. This doesn't seem to fit where it is. And, instead of changing the line entirely to place the 3 syllables elsewhere to restore rhythm, I suggest replacing it with the word "stories."

The transition beween the 4th and 5th stanzas is off. it is totally unclear to me how jack knew the person of which you reference. Stanza 5 does assume so, but the previous stanzas give a distinct impression that Old jack wasn't around back then . . .

In the 4th stanza, 2nd line: omit the word AND and expand gate's to "gate has." I find that works much better for this piece.

In the 3rd line of the 4th stanza: omit the comman and the following "though" and put and AND at the beginning of the line. This will make it sound better and flow nicer when accompanied by the suggested punctuation corrections for the lines in this stanza.

The 5th line of the 4th stanza: change "got" to "has", and "It's" to "it".

In the final stanza, 3rd line, the words "go visit" can easily be moved to the 4th line without messing things up. As it is, it does seem to cause a bit of pause - it goes better witht he following line, anyway - same frame of thought.

Finally, the final two lines of the final stanza had me really confused.

Twenty Years have passed since then
But it's not too bad on the whole

This is unclear - do you mean 20 years since the meeting with Old Joe, or twenty years since using the house to hide from the world? The placement does seem to comply with 20 years since talking with Old jack - but I have a feeling it's the other. Which means this is too unclear . . . not really sure how to advise changing it. That will be exceedingly difficult to do.

If you don;t already do this, read your poetry out loud - as if performing it for someone. When i do this, for my own or for others, it's a lot easier than silent reading to find the places that may need more attention. Works wonders . . .

FINAL COMMENTS

There were enough things I felt needed to be pointed out for correction and/or re-write than I couldn't do more than a 3.0 on this (for now). I do sincerely apologize for messing up the current rating for it.

Overall, I did like this piece. The imagry is on point and wonderful, the rhyme scheme original, and the structure of the poem seems quite solid.

TOTAL RATING:

(3.0 Stars)

END REVIEW