This is sad. I've just a few things to add and suggest. Use them if you like, or don't. Either way, your poem is still very good. *Note the punctuation. Use it to control every aspect of your poem. This poem needs it, I think.*
The mental anguish
That I’ve withstood all these years,
Slowly begins to writhe back in my life.
I’ll never understand
Why she did what she did;
Tricked me into thinking she actually loved me,
And I was the fool.
I fell into her trap, and fell
Till the void in my heart complete darkness. (try to make this line work. you have to reread it in order to understand it)
And yet, still
I sit here, a boy lost
In the shell of a man; hollow; confused.
Lord, help me
For my soul may be consumed -
The darkness reaches the void one becomes numb (work on this line, too)
Help me, help me.
So confused, don't know what to do, (complete your sentence here)
Don’t lose me, Lord, I’m all they’ve got.
But with Anguish
Comes the truth; the pure light;
The truth that will shine into the darkness.
I won’t be
Lost, forever, eternity, for truth rises
Above all Evil, and my time will come. (I like that you personified Evil here, at least that's what it seems like.)
These are just suggestions and by no means should these be followed to the letter. It's your poem and only you'll know what you're looking for. If you don't use the punctuation I've used here, then at least use something else. Like I said: YOUR POEM NEEDS IT!!
Free-verse poetry has so much potential for anything. In this case, you've caught me by telling a sad story. It reminds me of a song called "Flavor of the Week" by American Hi-Fi. It's a really good song, and this is a good poem.
Despite my harping on about punctuation, I have a poem along the same lines as yours here that also has NO punctuation. It's not a bad poem either, and to me it doesn't matter what anybody has to say about it.
I think you've got a well-rounded poem here; a little rhyme scheme, alliteration... a story!!! I've seen many poems where there was actually a story to it and not just a bunch of words put down on paper to express emotions or ideas. Few of them were told as well as this.
The only negative remark I have is that you haven't used punctuation very well. There are punctuation marks that'll take this poem to another level. Find them and use them. I'm sure your poem is not set in stone, is it? The beautiful thing about our art; our trade, is that you CAN change it and if you don't like it, revert to the way it was before.
This is a cute poem. I don't know much about snow and iced-over lakes, but our winters here in South Africa have the potential to be VERY cold. I liked the way you described the punch to the chest because of the cold air. It has that ability to take your breath away like a punch to the chest could.
I do feel that stanza 2 needs a bit of work.. Also, make use of punctuation in your poem throughout. So many are forgetting the importance of punctuation, as though they're scared to use it.
Without it, I think, your poem is jumbled and just contains words with no feeling. But that's just me. What do I know? Like I've been saying to everybody, I'm no expert.
This poem is touching. It's very good. Your repetitive use of "memories" made me rather nostalgic about a friend of mine that passed away a few months ago. Your poem is very basic and is not bogged down with too many long, drawn-out sentences.
Line 1: I would personify love by capitalizing it. i.e. Love.
Line 7: "I've watched Love pass me by.
Line 8: Either put your apostrophe with others, eg. others' (to show possession), or use the word "another's"
Not all poetry needs to rhyme. I, for one, think this one needs it in order to keep it even a little bit light. However, if you decide to rhyme, stick to a formula (such as ABAB, etc.) and don't veer from that formula. Even the most blind-to-detail readers will pick up on things like that.
Work on this poem, please. I personally love personifying feelings or ideas in my poetry, which is why I was immediately (from line 1) absorbed in your poem.
Why should anyone concern themselves with what you eat? I say, if is tastes good and is worth eating, then eat it. I also love cakes and pies and the like, nobody stops me from eating, and I certainly will not stop myself.
Okay, sure everything you eat isn't healthy for you. But I maintain my point. If it's edible, then eat it.
This is very succinct. You've got a world of wonder, it seems, in only 10 lines. Not many poems get to the point in such a small space. In fact, it's the shortest poems that are the best, I feel. The best poem I've ever read was written by William Butler Yeats and is called "The Cloths of Heaven". It has a total of 8 lines.
Your 10 lines? It's good stuff. I believe it can be better though.
I like how you've expressed something as ordinary as painting. I like the contrasting idea of seeing with your eyes and seeing with your mind. Sometimes the eyes lie, and your mind is more accurate.
I also liked the little William Blake thing you had going in the 1st stanza. I don't know if you picked up on that? That is what we do, after all. Whether we are artists or writers, it truly IS our business to create.
And you've created something here that we can all relate to, in some way or another.
This kind of thing should go on a card of sorts! Ever thought about doing something like that? I hope you're going to write more. One can do anything with this kind of poetry. Let it be humorous, let it be heart-felt, let it be serious. The sky is the limit!!
Regarding your poem here, firstly, I'd say that I wouldn't have made any stanzas. This poem doesn't need three separate stanzas. The rhyming in this poem is also well executed and further suggests that the poem only needs to be one long stanza.
I've experienced the mood you've set in your poem. I understand the poem's meaning, which is something that you've also done well. It doesn't take a lot to understand it; it is both thoughtful and deep.
Firstly, regarding this poem, I must say that you definitely have some idea of what to do. I'd just watch my spelling; use apostrophes correctly, etc.
Also, I like that you haven't opted to use any sort of rhyme scheme. Rhyming can sometimes cheapen a poem and definitely take away an aspect of your poem... like the aspect of gloom you've created in this poem.
The first thing I noticed about your poem is the use of punctuation marks. Just because it's poetry doesn't mean it's exempt of the rules.
You've got a good poem here, I just feel that it needs that extra something to make it spark. What about using question marks? Exclamation marks? Also try using the trickier punctuation marks, such as semi-colons or the different types of parentheses, or even ellipses. Used properly, they can set the tempo that you're looking for, and in so doing, create the mood as well.
Make use of all the tools we use in English and turn this poem into your own personal masterpiece.
This is quite piquant. I like how it seems that you haven't even tried to make some of the lines rhyme. It shows effortlessness, it creates a level of ease to read, and it also suggests competence. I don't know how long you've been writing for, particularly poetry, but I can tell you have an eye for it.
Just a thought, though. Firstly, in the last line, it should be "promised land" and not "promise land". Secondly, I found that some of my poems became a lot better after many months of just leaving it alone. Come back to this after a little while and see if you can make it even better.
Also, the last few lines should be separated by a semi-colon.
I can tell you’re American or use the American grammar and spelling rules. I’m South African, where we use the British ruling. Now I know for certain your spelling is different to ours, but I can’t imagine that the grammar would change, so this review is going to be based solely on that and a few other things.
2. MY THOUGHTS
I believe very much in punctuation, even in poetry, and you won’t be the first person I’ll be telling to correct the punctuation in their writing. I believe that you need to put a colon at the end of line three in stanza one. The reason being is because line four is explaining something about the ocean in line three.
I like the second stanza; I think you executed it perfectly. However, perhaps there might be a darker word for “suffocates”? Suffocates seems very commonplace, maybe using something like EXTINGUISHES or REPRESSES. Just a thought…
Stanza three seems awkward to me. Throughout the poem one doesn’t come across a rhyme, except in stanza one but that isn’t really noticeable. Now, in stanza three, all of a sudden there’s a definite rhyme when you rhyme FROWNING with DROWNING. Maybe do away with the rhyme and replace FROWNING with another word that adds a darker effect to the poem.
I didn’t want to say anything about the meter in this poem, because the way you’ve done it adds a dampening effect on the mood of the poem. You’ve created death essentially without actually SAYING anything. However, the very last line is what seemed so awkward to me. It seemed too long for me. Consider revising it.
3. ADVICE
I’ve already said this tonight, and I bet I’ll be saying it a lot more, but you should wrestle with your poetry. As I’ve learned, just because something is written on paper doesn’t mean its set in stone. Leave what you’ve written for a few weeks or months then revisit them with a fresher point of view. You’ll probably find a word that fits better here or a line that’ll be better and more descriptive (and in less words) over there.
4. CONCLUSION
I don’t know if you’re only starting out with poetry or if you’ve been doing this for years, but one thing that I’ve learned in the two short years that I’ve been writing poetry is this: Imagery, Vocabulary, Grammar and Punctuation.
You’ve certainly got Imagery down, and with a little work here and there regarding the other three I mentioned, you could make a good poet.
I’m not one for dark and gloomy poetry about death because that stage of my life is over, but I think you’ve captured by thoughts here with excellent use of imagery. Well done.
I've heard of the brotherly bond that developes between soldiers.
1. STRUCTURE/LAYOUT
The layout was good. Simple and short stanzas created - for me at least - a very legible poem.
2. IMAGERY
I don't know why, but to me imagery is fairly important, even in poems. I wasn't as easily drawn into this poem than a poem that had good imagery. But without imagery, you still executed it well enough to keep my mind focused on the poem.
3. MY THOUGHTS
Well, as with anyone who writes a poem, it'll always mean a lot to them no matter what anyone else says about it. If I told you your poem was average you'd probably not care, which is fair because I'd do the same thing.
I honestly think that with a little refining here and there, then you'll be on to something and maybe even unlock a newer, even better poem.
LOL!!! I can see that this isn't an overly serious poem, so I'm not going to be overly critical about my review of it.
I particularly like that you somehow managed to include WRITING.COM's name in there somewhere and you had wonderful ideas for lines and rhymes too.
There are 2 negative things I can say though:
1. Being South African, certain words, without changing our accent, don't rhyme. A few examples would be, language - anguish, chance - romance, anger - danger.
2. Some lines seemed a little clumsy, with perhaps 1 too many words in the line. Maybe if you looked at it again, you'd pick those lines out and chop and change them as need be.
Hope my review was at least a little bit helpful.
- Brian Jesta Marais %)
"Nothing Wrong With That, Aye?"
I'm wondering if you and I have great minds because I thought of interviewing some star authors here to spread their messages even more.
I thoroughly enjoyed this interview. I've never heard of Triple "S" but GKCMO I've seen around somewhere.
You seem like a very gifted person to be able to have an interview with yourself. I wouldn't know what to say about myself.
Anyway, apart from a few honest spelling mistakes here and there I couldn't find anything else to fault you. Besides, it was so enjoyable for me that I hardly noticed any faults.
This is a cool story. It's true when you say that adults have lost the ability to see things the way a child does!
I couldn't really find anything wrong with the story, except that there were parts that were difficult to read. I had to read them a second time, which broke my rhythm.
But otherwise it's a great story and makes the reader think a little bit, especially if your reader is an adult.
What I have to say doesn't mean that I think I'm the best; I still lots to learn about writing.
The reason why poetry is so difficult, why it's called an art is because their are a few things a poet has to take into consideration. Rhythm (or Meter) is an aspect of a poem that makes it flow. I felt the meter in your poem was out.
"Love is crazy, no other feeling can match
Love's power, there's no escaping love's grasp"
If I had to rewrite this, I'd write it like this:
Love is crazy, no other feeling can match
Love's power, there's no escaping its catch
In my line the rhythm is corrected and there is a rhyme as well. But those are just my thoughts.
Good job. Sorry if this seemed harsh, I don't care much for rules... poetry is, after all, about the message it carries.
Too sweet! I like the structure you have and the rhythm is really good.
"The world is before you
while you blossom and grow
In God's perfect light
let your tiny wings soar"
This is the only problem I have. Grow and soar don't rhyme. I don't care much for politics, however, because I poetry is about the message the words carry, not silly formulas and meter and rhyme. That's just silly!
I've always been intrigued by the history of Britain and so I took quite easily to your tale. I don't know much about Scottish names and lineage, but your story is very convincing indeed.
I couldn't find any faults with your work at all. Your story is exceptionally brilliant in my opinion. Well done.
This is a very deep poem. Every word uttered resonated in my head, making me think deeper about it. The structure is good. Your poem is fast, simple and to-the-point, which carries your message across all the more effectively. From what I can tell, I think you deserve my score of 5!
Wonderful story. I honestly enjoyed it! Some things are INDEED left to the fairies. It's the type of story - if someone can relate to it - that will put a smile back on their faces. It was fairly easy to read, save the first paragraph. The only suggestion I can make is to try to break up that sentence.
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