Hello windsong
I was attracted to your story, because of the title and the fact a bunch of kids help others using their skills, I am presuming they all have special powers?!I love this idea!
I know you already know you have some errors with correct grammar, treat yourself to a library book on clear writing and punctuation one of the best tools you can have when writing is presenting your work at its best, in the simple clear format and by learning one of the most important rules. The better we present our work, the more people will be interested in reading it and not brush it off. I still struggle with correct punctuation and grammar but am determine to polish my work until it works and flows and that is what you can do...simplify, read aloud, cut words where needed.
I find I will flick through stories until something catches my imagination and interest and this is through your characters. I am wondering who the man is, who had the vision. Also Ariella and her headaches, keep me reading on I want to know what she looks, feels, smells and touches and why she has these headaches. Nice work as I felt for her protecting her mother also. The more we feel for the character the better.
Watch out for the over use of words, like the word (almost) in the chapter about William, This chapter is a little confusing. William sounds intriguing and you could use the dialogue to express this rather than just saying it but I wasn't sure who is telling the story in the william chapter? Question how many people are telling the story, is it through Ariella alone, if so think about linking up the introduction and the man with the vision in her dream.
I learn't a rule that I have trouble sticking to, which is called the rule of three for those of us learning the writing game using just three descriptive character traits at a time,can work wonders, if you can stick to this it does help to keep the reader from getting bored
The fact is every story starts with a great idea the question is, do you have the passion and determination to keep your reader interested and carry your story forward in your own style and creative flair.
Well done I would love to read more, great idea, interesting characters start, keep it up and only take what you need from these mad ramblings, this is the first piece of material I actually kept reading all through.today..because it has loads of potential for a great story! if you do the hard yards....thanks for the read kath
Rich and raw I was compelled to read on, it speaks to the reader and I love the thought of people not judging others, one of the most powerful traits to master. Your work flows well it is written with passion and every living person has a sad story within, you have created a great sense of mood and meaning. Sorry I have no ideas to change this piece, it is what it is, a great piece of writing.
Well done! For one so young, you write well, keep it up! I too am from the land of OZ, I wish I had started writing at your age..... good luck.
Very good message indeed, Flowed beautifully It actually is the best rubbish I have read today if you would pardon the pun. could not have said it any better, we need more words out there like this, only comment, I could have kept reading, more please. Well done! If you add to it let me know.
I must say, I really enjoyed this story, I tend to flip a story quickly if it does not catch me on the first sentence and carry me through to it's end. You captured a memory and painted a beautiful picture with words, Thanks nothing I did not like about it, most enjoyable well done.
Hi Lainey
It has some nice descriptive sentences and you know instantly that this person has so much to lose and the tension is there, yet I feel more dialogue could be used to move the story onwards and create a real awkwardness, maybe your main character could use short swift sentences of dialogue to create the build up instead of silence you can still add what she is thinking and the wall of silence from her partner could still work with this.
All in all the story is interesting and You want to read on.... keep building on the layers, well done. Good luck I'm a mum with two children under nine one has Aspergers syndrome and I'm amazed at how simular our bio's are....it's just getting the time to get into our creative worlds without the words"I'm hungry......I too have a husband who lets me indulge in my fantasy of one day getting a book published...all the best Lainey
That poem is so beautiful and flows so well, I love to think what awaits us on the next level and question it often. Well done it uplifted me today thanks, no comments on improvement I think it is what it is a beautiful play on words with heart.
A good topic which caught my eye, today I could relate to this. Cutting straight to the point. It sounds and feels angry and thats what matters. I have a lot to learn about punctuation so I won't pull you up there the only thing I thought you could add or put a spin on, would be the fact you are now a stronger person and will choose wisely in future relationships. Well done and great therapy writing.
I love this so raw and sad and beautiful, when something like this happens you never forget it and the best way to deal, is to write it all down. the only thing i would change is maybe I miss you my beautiful sweet Momma, but I think its pretty perfect the way it is.....touched my heart
What can I say you have hit the nail on the head. The only thing that you could entwine in your poem is the fact that many of your readers would relate to this and so they are not alone in this battle and in sharing, you will have said something against depression, willing it into a void, for maybe just a little space of freedom from the darkness. Well done I love it.
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