This is an excellent piece of work! Technically speaking, the cadence is consistent enough to make it a fun read. The rhyming pattern was simple and perfectly executed.
Emotionally speaking, this is a subject all too dear to my heart. So many times people get lost in this internet jungle and decide to trade it all in; only to find out reality is the only thing you can count on! A sad declaration on the state of affairs in the 21st century.
The plot was well thought out. The character description was confusing in that the beginning made her seem small and slight. Yet she was dressed in large and stood out hugely. how about:
Despite the wram August weather, a black scarf covered her face completely, obviously in an attempt at concealment. This made her stand out, in the small evening crowd.
A very good first chapter for what could be a very good book! What comes next?
The title piqued my curiousity as to what was being watched and where, and after reading several times I am left wondering what.
Technically, I would trade out longed for sought your body's warmth. No comma between day and tears.
For the most part I was able to understand what you were implying, but the last phrase about "your deeps" went over my head. The "deep embrace that strikes your love-struck fleshy heart" was excellent in the way it danced off my tongue.
All together not a bad piece. Keep up the good work!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/misty_breeze
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 3:41pm on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
