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Review of The Moon  Open in new Window.
Review by Matt Marlieu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
"He felt as if he had gone four rounds with one of those professional UFC fighters."
This is a good sentence, but it still feels wordy. I've only read the first two paragraphs so far, and haven't seen too much wordiness. It's just something to look for in editing. This sentence, for example, can be shortened to "He felt like he'd fought four rounds with a professional UFC fighter." You don't lose any of the feel from the sentence, but you drop about four words. From sentence to paragraph, this may not mean much, but it could mean about 10% of your story total in the end.
If you can trim it down, then do it.

"In the moon light, he looked on to an ocean of dark water. Silver-white waves crashed on jagged rock jutting from the surface like so many fingers. Steve looked around. Seeing nothing but seemingly endless coast the world around him began to dance. A sudden wave of nausea hit him; he leaned over dry heaving until he passed out."
A few things about this paragraph. Something sounds off about the prepositions in the first sentence here. Play around with this sentence and the prepositions you've used here.
"...dark water. Silver-white waves..." Don't these contradict each other? I'd assume moonlight would reflect off the water. Darker than the sky maybe, but more luminescent then without moonlight.
Why does the world begin "to dance" after Steve looks at the endless coast? Is it from a past experience? Is he not used to the endless coastline? Is he still recovering?

"With only the steady crashing of the waves to break the still silence surrounding him, an elusive thought nagged at his brain. Every time he tried to grasp it, it evaporated."
This is great reading bait.

"He screamed, as the shock of seeing another planet hanging overhead caused a string of hysterical expletive phrases, to spew from his mouth."
Neither of the commas in this sentence are necessary. (Jeeze, you must be beginning to think I'm a grammar nazi. Sorry about that. Just trying to help out.)

"What was going on? The moon…it seemed to be growing closer, brighter. Yes, it is getting Bigger."
Minor thing, and you may have caught it already.

“You've a car accident, you have been in a coma.”
I just want to make sure you know what you're saying here. "You have a car accident." But he doesn't have a car accident, though he has been in one.

“Mister Jennings, this is a lot to take in at one time. Let’s just give you some time; we can talk more about this later. I really need to run some test on you now.”
This needs to be plural.

“You have been in a comma for seventeen years. It is a miracle you woke up.”
Coma. A comma is a punctuation mark.

“Your dead…You’re not real.” Steve stated.
"You're." You had it right the second time in the sentence.

— — — —

There are quite a few grammar errors, but those will always pop up in the editing process. Don't worry too much about them. I just want to point a few of them out now to save you time later.

Overall though, this story is an interesting thought experiment into whether it is better to live in a reality without a loved one or in a fantasy with the significant other. You could definitely extend on this ending and play around with his "choice." He can only live in the fantasy as long as he believes it to be real. You even had the fantasy of his wife say that to him.
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