This could possibly be a good first chapter, if it had more of a hook. He works for the FBI, and his parents died. Those are only two aspects of the story, but it's all that is revealed to the reader in this chapter. For me it's not enough. I'm not sure I would continue reading because there is nothing to wonder about. I think there is some potential here, great details when describing a character too. Keep up the work, add some suspense, and you've got a keeper. Try ending the chapter with a question unanswered.
-May
Good start, it kept me guessing until the blank pod and Nate being inside one of the coffins. I'm not usually big on the alien stories, but if you can keep me guessing I'll keep reading. You certainly did that. I was wondering when you would describe your character's physical appearance and it was very creative to do so as the blank pod was taking form. Very good visual. Great beginning, and can't wait to hear more.:)
-May
Loved it! Very talented writing. Reads like a Frost poem. Usually I prefer stories to poetry, but I came across this and am very happy I did. The beginning didn't exactly catch me, but by the middle I was very impressed. Good Job! :)
I thought the story was sweet, definitely a "feel good" story. I can relate to how madeline saw her mother cooking and thought how beautiful she was. I think this story is realistic in terms of Madeline not having a perfect birthday, but family being able to cheer her up. I enjoyed the ending and appreciate the opptomism and innocence shown by Madeline.
Good Job!
-May, mm_storyteller
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