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Review of Pants on Fire  Open in new Window.
for entry "My Will Be Done" Open in new Window.
Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Exactly! Very well said. This is disgusting behavior and more of us need to be calling it out.

As for the poem structure. Really great! I always enjoy these. Thank you for writing them.
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Review of Earthquake  Open in new Window.
Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi Jay O'Toole Author Icon I found your story
 
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Earthquake Open in new Window. (E)
An earthquake destroys the happy home of Quest, Casa and their late mother and wife.
#2148409 by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
and would like to offer my thoughts on it. I hope that you find my review helpful. Please take what you find useful and leave the rest behind.

First Impression: What a crazy day for a little bear and his family! Although it seems like little Quest gets to live up to his name. I'm curious to know what genre this story is in. With the premise, it seems to be geared toward children, though the writing would suggest an adult audience is intended. When you revise, I would definitely recommend having a clear idea in your mind of the audience you intend for this story. That way you can make sure your theme and word choices match your intended reader.

Also, you mention the Narnia connection during Casa's turn in the story and then Quest invokes Aslan. I think that often we writers assume that we can sprinkle in details from popular books or popular culture as a shortcut to explain something. Quest needed a savior, thus, he invoked Aslan. It works for everyone who knows the Narnia story. However, in 20 years when people read this story, they may not know Narnia. It might not be part of their pop culture. So, I would encourage you to describe what qualities Quest is looking for that makes him call out for Aslan.

I also find it interesting that bears would pray to a god of man and not a god of bears. It seems to me that they would search for the deity (like Aslan) that matches them.

Characters/Setting: So far, we've met Quest, who is a little bear cub and his father, Casa. Although, I think it could be argued that the mist is another character in that it seems to act in a way that is antagonistic toward Quest's goals. I think you have a good conflict set up for these two characters, but I'm not yet sure why I should care about them. Do you care about them? Make those feelings you have for Quest and Casa come through on the page and make me care, too. I mean, poor Quest lost his mother and father and home all in the span of a few paragraphs. That's a huge event to have happen to a small bear. So, as your reader, make me feel how huge this event was for the little guy. And same with Casa. Losing family is hard. Make the reader feel it.

What I liked: I liked the idea of the father and son separated and looking for each other. I like that this seems to be leading to a tale about the importance of family connection and I'm curious to see what happens to Quest as he tries to find his way back home.

Areas for Improvement: There isn't a strong voice in this story. It reads very much like a first draft where you are looking for the tale you need to tell. I think going back and getting a clear grasp on who your characters are and fleshing them out would really help with that.

Thank you for sharing your story on here. It was a cute little read and I'm glad to have been given the priviledge of reading it.

Take Care
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Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Fyn Author Icon

I just finished reading "Nap Flap" Open in new Window. which I found through the random review and I would like to offer my comments. Thank you for allowing me to read your work. I am a writer just like you and know how tough it is to put your work out for critique and review.

Overall Impression: This piece was deep and thought provoking as I had to read through it multiple times to catch the nuances and poetic devices you cleverly utilized. I felt for the clown and then felt as if I knew exactly how he felt far too many times in my life. I suppose my one critique would be that the first two lines are not needed and they serve as a distraction from the poem. Otherwise, it was beautiful and well-written.

Poetic Tool Box: I love the way you utilize the line breaks in this piece. It gives space between the thought and gives the reader time to consider what is being said. For example He danced and he tumbled,/ stood up and looked at the arm/ lying on the ground. We know with the comma after tumbled that we are to take a breath, but there is an unintentional pause between arm and lying that makes the fact that his arm has fallen off so much more poignant.

Favorite lines: I love the line: Then a leg fell off as he cartwheeled/ into their good graces . I feel like this one line sums up the clown perfectly. He's falling apart, but still doing everything he can to make a good impression to this large tent of strangers who legitimately don't care about him other than his ability to make them laugh.

Parting Comments: Thank you again for putting this piece of poetry out there. It's been far too long since I've read something like this that makes me laugh and then makes me think - illusion gave way to reality and perceptions fell silent in the center ring. I just now realized that, as the reader, I was both the clown and the crowd in this poem. On my first reading, I laughed at his misfortune. But, as I've read through a second and third time, I understand more his struggle and my role. This is so very well done. The only reason I'm not giving it 5 stars is because of those first two lines that still stick out to me as unneeded. Otherwise, this is a perfect poem. Great writing!

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Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Good morning, John S Author Icon. I found your piece on the random review page and wanted to offer some words on it.

I think you may be onto something here! I mean, in the land of being famous just for being famous, why shouldn't the rest of us cash in? I hope the name change works out well and you are happy in your new life as a Kardashian.

As to the writing, this was a fun piece to read. Your sentence structures are good and varied. I think you could even get away with lengthening this piece and adding some more humor into it. And, there's one nitpicky thing I would change here: As I sat finishing my equally brilliant second novel... should start another paragraph. The one thing that made reading this difficult was that it was so squished together. Spreading it out and giving it the semblance of space would help with that.

Otherwise, I enjoyed this piece. You're a very funny writer. Thank you for the morning laugh.

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Review of Jailbreak  Open in new Window.
Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi bellowsface Author Icon Thank you for your review of my story. To return the favor, I would like to offer my thoughts on one of yours. I hope that you find my review helpful. Please take what you find useful and leave the rest behind.

First Impression: I'll be honest, I'm not sure who Thin Lizzie is, nor to I believe that I have ever heard their song on which this story is based. However, after reading your piece, I don't think that I need it. You paint a complete picture here of an enthralling tale of a daring escape from what I think we can safely assume is something more than just a run of the mill prison.

One of the things that drew me in most was the counting of time in breaths. I would love to see this expanded as I think it's such an interesting concept. I would encourage you to use this to pass the time in the story. For example, how many breaths does it take for the guard to reach the end of the hall? How many does he spend upstairs? How many does it take for him to reach the end of the cell? I can see this technique adding so much suspense to your story.

I think it would also help your narrator with distance. As the cells are supposed to be cloaked in pitch black, perhaps he would use it to tell when he has reached the end of the hall?

Spelling/Grammar/Sentence Structure: One issue that I noticed here was the tense shifts. Sometimes you write in past and other times future. This is something you want to watch as it can pull your reader out of the story.

Characters/Setting: I loved how the setting was another character in the story. The darkness seemed to hold a great many secrets that I both wanted to know more about and was absolutely certain I couldn't handle the truth.

What I liked: I enjoyed the dark atmosphere and the suspense you painted here. The story made me want to know more about your protagonist/narrator and the world in which they lived.

Parting Comments: Thank you for sharing this story. I would be very interesting in seeing where this goes with some edits and some expansion. Especially with the mention of the kids in regards to torture. Oh boy! There has to be something more to that. I want to know what it is.

Keep writing!

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Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Some of my favorite contests here! And they help me to really get to know my characters. I love prep. I doubt I would have been able to finish even one Nano without Octoprep.
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Review of Pants on Fire  Open in new Window.
for entry "Coalition Building" Open in new Window.
Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love your ability to make these little poems out of the horrors of Trump. It truly is an amazing talent. I'm in awe of how you do it. Your word choices and the rhythm of the lines are spot on perfect. Unlike our 'fearless leader,' there's no stumbling through this piece. And you pack quite the punch in five simple lines.

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Review of A Good Heart  Open in new Window.
Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A House Stark Review for Christopher Roy Denton Author Icon for
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#456789 by Creeper Of The Realm Author IconMail Icon



*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*



Overall Impression: I have to admit, this was one of the first stories in a long time that I absolutely was NOT rooting for the protagonist. Although, his head was interesting to live in for just a little while. It makes you wonder, sometimes, what it is that makes people like Matthew flip their switch in such a way.

Characters: The characters in the story are Matthew and Mary. Matthew is an archeology professor who has clearly fried some vital circuitry that keeps his sense of moral right and wrong in tact. Mary is an undercover police officer, though we don't get to know that until the very end. Throughout the story, she seems like a very persistent - and unlucky- young woman who happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Grammar/Sentence Structure: Looked good.

Suggestions: When Matthew is in the lab, he seems to struggle between this outright sense of glee at his work rather than the clinical nature of it all. This seems a bit off. I think it would be more cold and interesting to make him a little more clinical in his dissection. After all, I can't imagine that he would see Mary as anything more than a specimen to be studied. Adding some coldness to him toward her would really help to intensify the gruesomeness of what is happening.

Keep Writing!
MontyB
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Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A House Stark Review for Christopher Roy Denton Author Icon for
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#456789 by Creeper Of The Realm Author IconMail Icon


Happy Anniversary!!

Overall Impression: Oh dear! That certainly was an interesting story. The end was not unexpected, but was completely shocking. Jenny's thoughts when she was perched above the three seemed more about focusing on getting her shot and protecting her family. Or at least that's what I assumed it was. I never expected their true intentions.

Characters: In the story we have Beth, Mat, and Jenny - a family living in post-apocalyptic Palm Springs. The family is starving because a meteor hit the earth some time ago and caused an eternal winter. At first appearance, the three seem to be a normal family doing their best to survive. And then we are shown just how far they have gone in order to survive this land where food is extremely scarce. Though these characters felt guarded, they were perfect for this story. We saw Jenny's vulnerability while Mat told Beth about the sun. And we saw the tenderness that Mat has for his family. You did a great job humanizing them before the shock at the end.


Suggestions: The only thing I can think of that would make this story better is to give some more details about the setting. What smells are there? What sounds? Does the snow creak? Are there trees left?

Otherwise, very enjoyable read!

Keep Writing!
MontyB
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Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
A House Stark Review for Storm Machine Author Icon for
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#456789 by Creeper Of The Realm Author IconMail Icon


Overall Impression: Oh, Demara, you sneaky little minx! You tell quite a lot with this little tale. I think I'd love to know more about Demara and her friend and the green-eyed man.

Characters: There are two characters here - Demara and her friend. And in these few words, you tell us quite a bit about both. *spoiler* Demara is in love with her friend's husband. It makes one wonder about the relationship. Were they close before? Is the friend new and was brought in with the man or were they friends first and Demara coveted her best friend's boyfriend? I would certainly be interested in knowing more. I hope that you choose to expand these characters. I can see a clear conflict forming here as Friend attempts to set up Demara on date after date. How long can Demara shrug off men on the basis of being picky? Should be an interesting match.

Grammar/Sentence Structure: All look good, of course.

Suggestions: Expand. Finish it. I get it was for Hint fiction, but now that the contest is done, I want more. I think you could really turn this into a great piece. Or, you could even add in these characters to one of your current WIP. I think they would make great additions.

Keep Writing!
MontyB
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Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
A House Stark Review for Chris24 Author Icon for
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#456789 by Creeper Of The Realm Author IconMail Icon


Overall Impression: This was an interesting piece about an astronomer on a planet trying to warn his monarch about the incoming invaders whose presence shall surely destroy their entire race of people. The twist at the end was a nice touch to move it a bit out of the standard alien invasion trope.

Characters: As the monarch doesn't speak, the only characters here are the narrator and the voices he hears. Overall, they felt a bit flat. Since this story is very character heavy in that you basically have a single character relaying the narrative in hopes of convincing his sovereign to stop the invasion that will destroy them, I wanted to see something a little deeper and more compelling in his speech to Archon. Ultimately he believes that this is his only hope of saving his planet, convince us that he believes so.

Grammar/Sentence Structure: Overall, these looked pretty good. I saw no issues that drew my attention.

Suggestions: Definitely work to add depth to your narrator. If he feels real to you, then he will come across as real to the rest of us.

Keep Writing!
MontyB
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Review of Hidden  Open in new Window.
Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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#456789 by Creeper Of The Realm Author IconMail Icon


Overall Impression: Wow! She is intriguing. I want to know more about her. I love the subtle hints you drop about your character's true personality. I can picture her in a fancy dress (because that's how my brain pictures princesses who curtseys) doing her very best to not make eye contact with the pomp and circumstance around her for fear of revealing her disdain. I was hooked from the very first line about the highborn being like glass. I needed to know more.

Characters: Essentially we are shown this one character - a princess - but are not told her name. She is intelligent and perceptive and trapped in a system that cares nothing for her except for her use as a pawn in the game of monarchy. I'm intrigued by her and want to know her full story. You have done a fantastic job with this character tease.

Grammar/Sentence Structure: There was one sentence that was confusing because of the way it's structured. The one about his feral scent and lips so dry...I think it's the lips so dry part. Perhaps if you simply said dry lips it would have the same effect and make the meaning clearer.

Suggestions: Give her a story!

Keep Writing!
MontyB
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Review of I Remember You  Open in new Window.
Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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#456789 by Creeper Of The Realm Author IconMail Icon



Overall Impression: This was a moving poem about the loss of a loved one and the memory that lives on throughout the years. The first stanza of the poem brings to mind the shock of the event. The realization of what has occurred. I don't think we fully comprehend what death means until we're standing on the other side of it. The next stanza shows the memories that flood the mind after the initial shock has worn off. The first thing we recall is how it happened. It's as if we need to understand that big little thing that caused all of this in order to move on from it. The poem shows the reactions from other family members as they are put through their own grief process. Finally, we are allowed to see the acceptance and the joys of remembering. To carry someone with you for your lifetime is special. Losing them is pain, but knowing they are never truly gone is comforting. I like that this poem shows that.

Poetic Tool Box: This piece reads very much like prose poetry, though it's structured more like a traditional poem. The verses don't rhyme and the meters change, but it works here. Grief is as individual as each person and I think that is illustrated through the non-traditional style of the poem.

Parting Comments: This piece was beautiful and moving. Thank you for sharing.



Keep Writing!
MontyB
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14
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Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A House Stark Review for ♥noVember tHiNg♥ Author Icon for
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#456789 by Creeper Of The Realm Author IconMail Icon


Overall Impression: Through this short tale, we are led through the confrontation of our own prejudices and left with a question, would we have turned the boy over to the authorities or done as our narrator did and kept our mouths closed to protect the innocent? In our current climate of racism run rampant, it is sometimes difficult to tell. I enjoyed this story of the two strangers who became 'silent friends'. That phrase has so much meaning and is such a perfect way to describe their interaction, I just love it.

Characters: Essentially, and though there are investigators and other passengers on this train, we are only shown two characters; The narrator and the young Arab boy. The narrator is complex and yet simple, the perfect vessel for readers to insert themselves into. And the Arab boy is complex in ways that are yet to be understood. His haunted eyes and fear upon first meeting the narrator call to mind several questions. And then the way he relaxes and moves on afterward really illustrates his youth and carefree nature of childhood.

Grammar/Sentence Structure: The language in this story was beautiful and poetic, though at times, it seemed to be a bit too much so. I am a fan of flowery prose, but this story verges on the edge of too much of it.

Suggestions: Other than making some of the sentence structure more straightforward and using simpler language in some spots, I can't recommend any changes to this. It's great!

Keep Writing!
MontyB
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15
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Review of Single  Open in new Window.
Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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#456789 by Creeper Of The Realm Author IconMail Icon



Overall Impression: At first glance, this poem looks like a simple, single line. But reading, and the way you chose to write it in a single line instead of breaking it into different ones is fascinating and works so well to convey the emotion and the utter loneliness of it all.

Poetic Tool Box: Sometimes we writers have to fight against our inclinations to over explain. I love that you didn't do that here. I love that you laid the poem out in this single line. It just emphasizes the isolation the narrator feels during this summer's bend. It speaks so clearly to how we get lost in our own heads and how that can really mess with a person. The rhymes are good and I like that you have them. They, rather than the structure, are what point to this piece being a poem rather than a simple line of prose. It's brilliant.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: The only mistake I can see and comment on here is the hanging comma in between Single and simple. Those silly commas need to always be attached to a word. Otherwise, I have no qualms with anything else here.

Parting Comments: I love this piece. I love the simplicity of the intensely complex message. Beautifully done.



Keep Writing!
MontyB
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Review of Readers Remorse  Open in new Window.
Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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#456789 by Creeper Of The Realm Author IconMail Icon



Overall Impression: This was a lovely little tribute to books and all the adventures they bring us, and I have to say that I wholeheartedly agree with it. This is one of the things I never understand when people tell me they don't like to read. How can you not love something that transports you to worlds beyond your imagination? But, I digress.

Poetic Tool Box: When I first read the poem, I thought that you had intended to rhyme, since that's what you did in the first stanza. However the rhymes stopped in the second stanza. It works well, I don't think you need them, but having that first rhyme in the first stanza does set certain expectations. I might suggest considering a different word choice?

Also, some of the meters are off just a bit and could use some tweaking. They're not bad, but I did stumble in a couple of places as I read through.

Favorite lines: I love the repetition of "and I'm so far from done" at the end of each stanza. It really helps to pull it together.

Parting Comments: This was a great little poem and I very much enjoyed reading it. It's lovely to see my own passion for reading expressed by others. Thank you for sharing.



Keep Writing!
MontyB
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17
Review of Pants on Fire  Open in new Window.
for entry "More Tantrums" Open in new Window.
Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love these poems, but I have to say that this is my favorite so far! Thank you so much for writing these. You summarize what is happening in the white house so well. I wish each one of them had a like button so I could support them all. Just know that I'm reading and I'm laughing and crying and cringing and waiting for more of your writing.
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Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Save the Turkeys! Author Icon! Here's my review for
 
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How to make a magic wand Open in new Window. (13+)
How to make a wand. An exercise in personification. Previously:His daughter's Magic Wand
#2115732 by Save the Turkeys! Author IconMail Icon
for the Smiling Skies contest. I hope that you find my take on your story helpful. Please take what you find useful and leave the rest behind.

First Impression: I honestly have to say that I'm not sure about my first impression with this story. It read a lot like a 'how to create a wand' instructional manual. But then there was a part halfway though where the voice of the wand shone through and I was entranced and enthralled. I wanted to know more of his creation and his adventures with Merlin and then with Morgana's twin daughter. The information about creating the wand was interesting and informative, but I craved the story behind the wand.

Spelling/Grammar/Sentence Structure: These all looked good. I saw no issues.

Characters/Setting: We're introduced to Merlin's wand and he leads us through the creation of our own wand and gives us some dos and don'ts with creating. We saw glimpses of him through the story and he does appear to be quite a fascinating character. I would have loved to know more about him. What kind of spells did he cast? How did each spell shape him? How did his time with Merlin compare to his time with Morgana's twin daughter?

What I liked: I loved the part where the wand describes himself and the runes that are carved into his body. I was fully pulled in with that.

Areas for Improvement: I would encourage you to make this more of a story from the wand's perspective rather than a 'how to'. I think you really have something interesting here if you would only dig a bit deeper into the character of the wand. He has a lot to tell, I can sense it. I'd love to read more from him.

Thank you for sharing your story. Good luck and Keep writing!

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Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Jay O'Toole Author Icon

I just finished reading "David: The Giant Challenge" Open in new Window. and am here to review it for the I Write contest. Please take the suggestions that work and leave the rest behind.

Overall Impression: Even as a non-Christian, the story of David and Goliath gives me hope. To see the little guy take on the big, oppressive giant and win is both inspiring and exciting. I read through your poem with great enthusiasm and a great big smile on my face.

Poetic Tool Box: You have done amazing with your rhyme here. There were no lines that didn't follow the rhyming pattern throughout. There were some issues with the rhythm, however, though these were small and easily corrected. For example in stanza 2, line 2 has 7 beats while line 4 has only 6. I've found that with rhyming poetry, these beats matter almost as much as the rhymes in keeping the flow of the poem going. Most of the other lines follow the 8 beat/6 beat pattern which really seems to work well with the flow. I'd recommend going through and making sure they all follow this as when they don't, your reader tends to stumble and the flow is lost.

Favorite lines: I love the opening stanza of this piece. You have laid the foundation of your poem brilliantly. In those four lines, you give your reader the purpose and the setting and the context of your poetry. And you do so in a fun and innovative way.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: These all looked good. I don't even mind the all caps words because they are deliberate and add so much to your poem.

Parting Comments: This was a wonderful piece and such an inspirational poem. I enjoyed reading it very much and look forward to more of your work. I wish you the best of luck in the contest.

Keep writing!

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20
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Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi 💙 Carly-wrimo 2024 Author Icon I am here to review your story
 Dunluce Castle Finds His Lady Open in new Window. (E)
This is an entry to the Smiling Skies contest.
#2094844 by 💙 Carly-wrimo 2024 Author IconMail Icon
for the Smiling Skies contest. I hope that you find my review helpful. Please take what you find useful and leave the rest behind.

First Impression: I love this romantic notion of the castle finding (and then losing again) the lost lady of his house. When the story was done, I wanted to read more. I wanted the castle to go deeper into his feelings for the woman. What you wrote was beautiful and emotional.

Spelling/Grammar/Sentence Structure: Overall, these looked okay. There were just some tense shifts that I would caution you to watch. For example, you start in past perfect tense and then switch to past tense. This is awkward, but it kind of works. But then you switch between present and past tense once the woman comes. "Her golden hair flying in the wind.." "I could feel her pain..." Watch these as they detract from your tale.

Characters/Setting: We are shown two characters, the castle and the lady. There are others, but they don't play as much of a role as these two. The castle tells his story and describes the lady and his walls. He looks like a beautiful castle, though perhaps a bit run down and unkempt. He has a strong, clear voice.

What I liked: I loved this concept of the reincarnation (at least in the mind of the castle) of the castle's lady returning and spending another night. I love the imagery and the voice of your castle.

Areas for Improvement: I found myself wanting more from this story. I wanted to know more about what life was like inside the castle. What did he feel when humanity resided within his walls? I loved the way you described the lady's touch of his walls and his shivers. I wanted more of that. I was a willing prisoner in this story and I wanted to be kept inside it a bit longer. When the lady leaves, the castle's phrasing "That saddened me" doesn't seem to be enough to convey the devastation that we know he must feel.

Overall, this was a lovely story and I very much enjoyed the read. I would love to see you do more with this. I would love to read it.

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Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Jay O'Toole Author Icon

I am here to review "Adversity: The Perfume of Loveliness" Open in new Window. for the Fall I Write contest. Thank you for allowing me to read your work. Please take what you find useful from my review and ignore the rest.

Overall Impression: I smiled the entire time I read this poem. It's so lovely and the message so hopeful and positive. You show us great athletes who persevered and then likened their accomplishments to what us normal folks endure. It warmed my heart.

Poetic Tool Box: Your rhyme scheme in this poem works so well throughout here. The only lines that don't follow your abab cdcd efef rhyme school are the lines that end with Canada and agony. I'm not sure how to fix those, but with the other rhymes being so spot on in the poem, these do stick out a bit. They're easily overlooked unless you get a stickler for rhymes critiquing your poetry. *Wink*

The rhythm of the piece flows incredibly well. Each beat of each line is perfectly timed to pull your reader through. There was never a point that I stumbled over a line or an additional word.

Favorite lines: Oh goodness, I'm not sure I could pick a favorite line. Even upon another reading, I couldn't pick out any stanza or lines that I liked more than any of the others. They all worked so seamlessly to creating this beautiful piece of poetry.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: I saw one tiny issue in the line They won the race, though at the end - there should be a comma before and after though.

Parting Comments: Thank you for sharing this poem with me. It was a beautiful piece and I very much enjoyed reading it. I felt hopeful and optimistic afterwards as you showed how success is defined not as winning but as persevering through all the odds. By helping others and never giving up on ourselves, we win at life. It's a profound message in our culture of number one and loser.

Keep writing!

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22
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Review of Foster Food  Open in new Window.
Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Than Pence Author Icon I am here to review your story "Foster Food" Open in new Window. for the Fall I Write contest. I apologize for the delay. I hope that you find my review helpful. Please take what you find useful and leave the rest behind.

First Impression: I'll have to admit, I first thought of the soup chef in Seinfeld with that first line. I'm assuming it was your prompt, since you bolded it. However, that thought quickly disappeared and became yours as I wandered through the rest of your story. I felt so sorry for Michael and Terry as they had to either suffer the awful and disgusting food or starve.

Spelling/Grammar/Sentence Structure: Everything looked great here.

Characters/Setting: Normally setting isn't worked very well in a short story. Often it's give a compulsory mention just to get a sense of place. However, you were able to turn the kitchen itself into another character in the story and it added so much to the tale. As for the people, they were fantastic. I was able to get pictures of each of the boys and the slovenly Mrs. Davish in my head through their dialogue and actions even without full descriptions given of them. You have done a fantastic job painting very real characters and inciting me to care about these boys in a short amount of time.

What I liked: This would be a story that I would love to see go further. It seems there are a great deal of adventures that Terry and Michael could have while under Mrs. Davish's care. I liked the set up you have of the two boys in foster care with a caregiver who clearly isn't in it for the right reasons. I enjoyed the premise and I was utterly grossed out with Michael at the food being offered. It makes me wonder what the rest of the house looks like and how she gets away with it when social services comes calling.

Areas for Improvement: I think for a flash story, this piece is perfect. As I said above, you have laid a great foundation for a longer piece of fiction. If you decide to do that, let me know. I'd love to read more.

Thanks for sharing your work. Again, I apologize for taking so long to get you the review. I had company this week and was playing tourist with them, so my computer time was limited.

Keep writing!

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23
23
Review of The Sweetest Kiss  Open in new Window.
Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Jay O'Toole Author Icon

I just finished reading "The Sweetest Kiss" Open in new Window. which I found in the post before mine for the I write contest and I would like to offer my comments. Thank you for allowing me to read your work. Please take what you find useful and leave the rest behind.

Overall Impression: I thought this was a beautiful and very sweet poem about a love that is truly meant to last a lifetime. It brought a smile to my face and a glow to my heart.

Poetic Tool Box: You show a skillful mastery with rhyming in this piece and for the most part steer clear of the cliche'd rhymes. Though there are still some of those in there, they don't detract at all from the piece. I would suggest looking at they rhythm of the poem, however. Stanza 1 follows an 8/7/8/6 beat whereas stanza 2 is 8/6/8/6. This 8/6 beat works very well for the flow and cadence of the poem. The 7 beats in the second line trip up the tongue and interrupt your flow. I recommend going through and bringing all lines to the 8/6 beat pattern.

Also, this stanza:
The sweetest kisses each day we give
to teach our Joy to love,
That when she grows in love she'll live,
with man to me he proves.
I love the first 2 lines here, but the second half gets a bit muddled and confusing. It seems that you're saying that you hope your daughter finds a man who proves himself to you, but I'm not exactly sure. I spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out what you meant here. Honestly, I think you could lose this stanza. It distracts from the meaning of your poem (which is a celebration of the years of love the poet has had with his wife). Also, love and proves are too far off to rhyme, so it sorely stands out in this piece where there is such masterful rhyming.

Favorite lines:
I love this stanza:
The years have writ graffiti on
my aging face, I know,
But teenaged beauty you have won
as wisdom only grows.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling: These all look fantastic. I saw no issues here.

Parting Comments: Best of luck in your contest and thank you for sharing such a beautiful and heartfelt poem. I enjoyed reading it and look forward to reading more of your work as we go through this I Write contest together.

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Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi Jay O'Toole Author Icon. I am here to review "Depression: The Warm & Fuzzy Blanket" Open in new Window. [E] for the Fall I Write Contest. I hope that you find my review helpful. Please take what you find useful and leave the rest behind.

First Impression: Being a sufferer of depression, I was excited to read your take on the illness. I like the premise that you use of isolation being a blanket that its sufferers wrap themselves into almost as a way to cope. This piece, however, confused me in it's telling. I had trouble following the conversation and spent most of my time wondering if it was spoken or thought. There is such potential here and you give so much information, I wonder if the facts don't work to overpower the story. At times it felt as if this were an advertisement with a list of symptoms rather than a story about a Dad who suffered from the illness.

Spelling/Grammar/Sentence Structure: Because I feel that your plot and delivery needs the most attention in this piece, I did not focus on any of the categories here.

Characters/Setting: We are introduced to 2 characters, Lovely and her dad. However, I struggled to get a sense of either of them. We were told that Dad has depression and retreats into himself at times, but he was quite talkative throughout this piece. And Lovely seemed to have far more insight on the disease then I originally expected with her first dialogue when she talks about playing with Dad then asks "what did I do to deserve this?" This piece could easily be a single character talking and nothing in it would really need to change. I would suggest going deeper into these characters. What emotions are they experiencing during Dad's depressive episodes? How does Lovely reconcile with the fact that there are times when her dad just checks out for no reason? How does Dad deal with the guilt he feels over the times when he can't function. And as someone who suffers and is a parent, I can tell you, there is guilt. Ignore the symptom list. Show us the symptoms instead. Show us these characters and make us care about them. Don't get so caught up in the flowery language that you lose them.

What I liked: I think this story has potential to be a very poignant story about the ups and downs of depression. I like your hypothesis about the self-inflicted solitude being a sort of balm for depression episodes. Go with that. Show it to us.

Thank you for sharing this story. I know that can be a difficult and scary undertaking. You have something interesting here, it just needs some reworking and polish to make it shine. Keep writing.


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25
25
Review by MontyB Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Purple Holiday Givings Author Icon. I'm here to review your story
 A Conversation With Death Open in new Window. (13+)
Written for Dialogue 500 August 2016
#2092813 by Purple Holiday Givings Author IconMail Icon
which was before mine in the I Write Contest. I hope that you find my review helpful. Please take what you find useful and leave the rest behind.

First Impression: Dialogue only stories can be tricky to pull off and still maintain a sense of set up, conflict, and resolution. You've done a good job in painting a clear picture. Writing the story in the first person allows you the extra advantage of giving the reader a further insight into your protagonist.

Spelling/Grammar/Sentence Structure: These all looked pretty good. There's one piece where you forget end quotes, but that's easily fixable. “Tell me what is so imperative that I should push back your crossing date.

Also, you have an extra word here: You will not lose them, if that is what you are worried about you

Characters/Setting: Here we are shown Death as well as the Protagonist who desperately wants to stay to continue her work. I have to say she was incredibly easy to relate to. I think there's always a fear of death. Even if a person believes in reincarnation or an after life, the unknown is a scary place to tread. Her hesitation seemed very natural and she came across as a person who liked to do things on her terms. I have a suspicion that it wasn't complete necessity that forced her to learn her skills on her own.

On the flip side, we have Death. I like his personality too. He could have easily forced the protagonist to the other side, but instead he allows her the time to come to terms with the idea. He is firm but not forceful. I also likes that he offers her a way out even though they both are aware that it will do no good.

What I liked: I liked the premise of this story and the idea of greeting death as an equal of sorts. I wanted to see if he would grant her reprieve and I lied that in the end he didn't.

Areas for Improvement: There are some places where the dialog is a bit loose. I believe that if it were me having the conversation with death, I would either get more desperate or more calm as we near the end. Though the main character seems resigned to her fate at the end, there's no real sense of closure. It's like one minute she's pleading and the next she's saying 'fine, let's go.' It feels like there needs to be something more to get us from beginning to end.

I would be interested to see where you take this story. It was an enjoyable read. Keep writing!

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