I really liked reading this. I thought it was written well and organized well. What I liked about it most was how it all came together in the end, to give the reader important insights to ponder.
It gives a different perception that is very refreshing and invokes gratitude.
I think this is good 'scene setting" for a novel. It give background information as well as a hint of supense to keep reading.
I like how you show the relationship between the mother and son.
Some suggestions:
...leading to his and his younger brother’s bedrooms.
- This is a mouthful. How about the bedroom he shared with his younger brother, and maybe throw in an adjective before brother (or the room).
The pretty woman of forty frowned, I like this detail but wonder if it could be more specific that than just using pretty.
I also think in genreal there are places were you could add a telling detail or two.
- contrast the sweaters and shirts he is carrying with the hot summer weather now, "eventhough it was a ninety-degree scorching day." ?
- a detail describing her apron : either how it looks or what is written on it.
Promise should not be capalized but you could instead put it in italics.
This is very good. Although it does seem like 'young' behavior for seniors to go exploring in a cave. However, I get the sense this is something they had done for years. Maybe you should allude to that or maybe one of them is interested in archeology.
The grammar/syntax is very good. The dialogue reads very smoothly and seem like a real conversation. Good use of setting, details, and suspense.
It's original and fresh and gives the reader something to both see and feel.
It is such a great line.
I like the poem. It is concise and direct and gives us something important to ponder.
What I like about poetry is that it encapsulates what it means to be human. For me, poems are both personal and commutative. They can tie us together and set us free at the same time.
But you are probably looking for suggestions.
In general, I would say try to rework the other lines so that they feel as fresh and original as the one I pointed out as my favorite.
For example, maybe rethink the word rainbows that be default always seem cliche or for children. Poor rainbows , I know.
Is there something unusual but equally telling that could kiss the narrator's face?
or maybe if you keep rainbows change the verb to something more unusual.
Also, I have been told to be careful using questions in poetry. I like them. But sometimes I can see how they could not sounded so polished or professional, which is what I have been told.
(i)My mind is in another place
As I watch my life go floating by
What does it mean to be me?
Changing the question to a statement:
My mind is in another place
I watch my life go floating by
wondering, what it means to be me.
Or something like that. There is probably about word choice out there than wondering.
Also I wonder how the poem would change if you replaced the word another with something specific, something slightly odd or out-of-ordinary.
I think I like floating though, but you could change that to something more unusual. But not if you change other things. Either/ Or I think.
Hope I was helpful.
Poetry is about preferences and personal styles, so I am just giving my opinion after all.
This is wonderful. You have a gift for storytelling. I'd polish up some of the sentence structure and grammar and take a shot at getting it published. I use to teach preschool (7 years) and read a lot of picture books. This reads outloud wonderfully.
I would play around a little with the structure and add a little punctuation for effect.
For example look at these two different effects.
I will leave her now.
Leave my world.
Shed one last tear and shut my door
Shed one last tear.
or
I will leave her now,
leave my world
Shed one last tear and shut my door,
Shed one last tear.
I would use periods kinda to get the same effect as stanza breaks.
Also read it outloud a lot. It may read ackwardly or get stuck in parts.
For me that happens with line in line 6.
There may be one too many of "Shred one last tear".
I like the emotion that comes through and what the poem has to say. I would just play around with the structure and punctuation to see where that might take the poem.
I think you did an excellent job with the characterization of the main character. She stays consistent throughout.
A very nice story.
Dialoque is wonderful.
My only suggestion is maybe to expand upon that pivotal moment where she goes to see Evan and he ends up kissing her etc. with some more details so that scene really stands out from the rest of the piece for the reader.
What I like most about this story is the wonderful details.
We are shown the bedroom through details of hardwood floors and braided rugs. These simple details help us walk with the character across that bedroom floor.
Details are also used to help us get to know the characters.
We are shown the slow precise way he shaves and the blue jeans he likes to wear. We learn that the wife like to use the town pharmacy - not the chain. We see what they buy at the grocery store.
These are all simple and short details that do so much for this story.
I like the use of Charles's walk in the story. There seems to be a lot of symbolism to it with the reference to the changing seasons.
However, I also thought there was a reference or a foreshadowing to things being left undone or done wrong as with Charles noticing he missed painting one of the pickets on the picket fence. This did not pan out for me in the end (referring to the the last paragraph).
Which leads me to the one part of the story I am not sure about - the ending. The story seems to be setting up (and your comment about the white picket fence isn't always what its seems...) a flaw in their relationship that doesn't ever show up.
Also the ending changes the language of this piece. The story is told in a matter-of-fact tone with simple perfect details. The ending seems to generalized and maybe cliche in parts. Particulary:
"deeply into her soul"
"sleep forevermore"
I'm not sure his death is supported earlier in the piece. He's cutting wood and mowing the lawn earlier, and any hints of some thing going wrong I thought pointed to a problem not an impending death. Which may just be my take on things. I might have went in reading with those type of expectations based on your beginning comment.
Maybe change your beginning comment.
Maybe, it needs an alternate ending with something much less serious than a death. Maybe, a telling comment passes between them.
Or if the death stays, go back to that simple matter-of-fact language, and gives us some of those details you are so good at.
Maybe refer back to a previous detail such as the unfinshed fence or the unfinished book or knitting,
Or ending with a symbolic image like you did with the walk and the placing of the pumpkin.
I liked this story very much. Again, your use of details to show setting and characterization is excellent. I just think you need to use the same skill to support your plot.
I love how this story opens right in the middle of the action.
The charaterization is very well done- especially with the main character. We really get a sense of who she is. Especially the wanting to say boo part - I loved that.
I like the contrast between the scruffy old man and the well kept woman. It is done so well that the line "She did not belong" might be unnecessary".
The middle of the story when she is home and narrating her life is not as full of description as when whe is in the store.( There's something about the waitressing part that does not seem as believable as the rest of the piece - maybe just a description of her uniform and a memory of a particular incident with a customer would help - Or maybe its just me, that lost interest just a little here because I was so intriqued by how the store incident would be resolved that I was skimming over those parts a little.
Great characterization, wonderful descriptions, great use of suspense!
I like your opening and the use of the visual prop of th red pack of ciagarettes to draw us in.
I wonder if the line "I was flooded by memory is unnecessary". I would instead just jump into your narrative/memory. But that may be just a personal preference of how I like to write - not stating the obvious.
I like the details : "so-forth and "a different man". It give the mother a voice and really epitomizes the situation.
I thought maybe there could be a new paragraph at : "He also smoked cigarettes", and then make that paragraph longer with more sensory details -to draw us back into that original sensory trigger with the man in the convience store.
I also like how you show the helplessness of children in such situations - how much they want to help but cant. (When she wanted to help Carrie)
You set up suspense VERY well when we are following this five year old girl to find out what is happening with Carrie. Furthermore, that scene has its desired shocking afffect.
I liked the statement about how she was another person who failed Carrie - very powerful.
I like how everything comes together in the last paragraph, but becauuse I liked the story and the writing so much I wanted a little bit more:
-maybe one more sensory image of smoking or drinking.
-more elaboartion of why she felt that she should have been the one beaten.
- or a more detailed description of Carrie's current abusive relationship - an incident to contrast with her admired qualities that five year-old liked way back when.
Great Writing>
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