What a great poem and story! I love the analogy of surgery to plumbing. I'll be having surgery in a few months, and I'm going to have to tell my doctor that. He'll find it hilarious and strangely accurate. I also like how you smoothly tied the first half of the poem to the second. It's a great transition. Keep it up!
Great job! What beautiful imagery you used. I felt that I was actually there! I would love to leave the "crush of urban life" and spend my days drifting lazily upon a lake. You write eloquently, the lines fit together perfectly. Your eye for rhythm shines through. I hope you keep writing!
Wonderful! I love your ode to your hobby. I learned so much about basket weaving, now I want to try! It seems like a challenging but rewarding hobby. I especially liked the last stanza, it felt complete. I really liked the last two lines. So many of my own hobbies require nature to choose the final shape, whether it's bread making or embroidery. Letting go and letting nature take over is a great attitude. Great job!
A sweet poem! Thinking back to the 2012 election reminds me of simpler times. I wonder what type of poetry the last election would evoke! Surely not something so delightful. I like how you expressed your opinion without being crass or hateful. You let the rhyming do the talking, and that's great! Keep it up!
Great poem! It definitely nudged some guilt inside me, as today was an unhealthy food day for me. It tastes so great doing down, but sits heavy the rest of the day! I love poetry that advocates for great causes, and eating healthy is one of them. Keep it up!
Fantastic! I loved the last stanza, that is some beautiful imagery. Chaos stretching its arms for a cup of coffee, moments of peace in the stream of life, man and nature agreeing to a cease-fire. Awesome! I agree that not-yet dawn is a magical time. When I can force myself out of bed early enough, I never regret it. Great job! Keep it up!
Great job! I loved the flow of this poem. It was very smooth and pleasant to my eye. The last stanza was a bit clunky to me, due to a few grammatical errors. For example,
"Let the fetus grows, and become a man and take and take
And brutal rape again and again, and impregnated a few"
I believe you meant "grow" and "impregnate". Also, there are no periods throughout the piece. While I am one for breaking the rules, you also used correct capitalization and commas, so the missing periods seems out of character. I think periods would add even more punch to your already dynamite poem. Keep it up!
What a lovely tribute to Jane Austen! She is truly a special author. I loved how you included her cherrywood desk, a Christmas present the real Jane Austen received from her father. That's a great touch! I can tell that you have a great appreciation for classical writing and romance. Keep it up!
Oh! I did not expect that ending. I love a good piece of suspense, and you wrote this one well. I'd love to read the prelude to this. It would be interesting to learn what lead to the surprise ending. Great job, and I hope you keep writing! We need lots of good writers in this world.
This is such a cool idea! I've never seen a poem written like this. I'm going to have to look up more acrostic poems. I like the word you chose to write about an emptiness you feel when thinking about someone you love. It was a really interesting choice! Great job!
Very cool idea! I liked the flow of the writing, from happy sad and back again. That takes real talent. You should be proud! I think the poem would really benefit from good spacing. With the lines all blocked together it seems to make the poem run together. But if you're happy with the poem, that's all that matters! Great job!
Wow! This was simply beautiful. I'm in love with your diction and flow. You seem to write poetry so easily, and that effortlessness is palpable. That isn't to say the complexity of your writing is overshadowed. It actually adds depth to your writing. I can't wait to read more of your writing!
"To find the light generating
The rainbow of our joy."
Beautiful! You have a wonderful way with words. I really appreciated your choice of diction, and my eyes were able to flow across the page effortlessly. I can't wait to read what else you've written! Great job.
Well done! I really loved the pacing, especially in the middle. The writing of the bellowing waves and raging sea matched the hurried pace, and it was like I was right there in the storm. Very cool! There was one piece of wording that confused me.
"She bear many scars from those who had no disregard for her."
That's a double negative, so she received scars from those that regarded her? I think you meant,
"She bears many scars from those who disregard her."
Also, you said her soul was "booming" with color. Did you mean blooming? I'm imagining small explosions instead of pretty blooms. Still pretty cool, intentionally written or not.
Overall, great job! It would be a treasure to have someone write something this beautiful about you. Keep it up!
Well done! You wrote a unique and captivating story. I enjoyed your twist on a puppet. It really is dark to imagine the reality of strings in your feet and someone else controlling your actions. Very interesting! There was a section in the beginning I didn't like.
"I couldn't really see anything except for this soft, beautiful white light that flickered mockingly like at the end of the tunnel like a dying star, but never really died. It knew that it was the one and only thing that had a different color from the rest of the pitch black tunnel, so it didn't real fear any competition from any other light source, because there was no possibility of it."
There is a lot of word-fluff. "Like", "really", and using multiple iterations to make a point, such as "one and only". Cutting those out will sharpen your writing. Also, there are only two sentences in that entire block, so that's an indicator they're running too long. Instead, try this:
"I couldn't see anything except for a soft white light. It flickered mockingly like a dying star from the end of the pitch-black tunnel. It didn't fear competition from another light source because there was no possibility of it."
Getting into the habit of cutting rambling words will improve the flow and readability of your story. Overall, good job!
I love it! I love the message and tone. "I'm dressing my best on a Tuesday and seizing the day." Now that's something I want to be stitched on a pillow. I especially enjoyed the flow of the poem. It effortlessly glided down the page. I wonder if breaking it up into stanzas would add more emphasis to questions. Either way, great job! Keep it up!
Very well done! The simplicity of the subject was mirrored in the quiet morning of the farm. However, the complexity of the poem is obvious. You did a great job making an approachable and beautiful poem. I can't wait to show this to my husband as an example of poetry done right. And now I'm inspired to try a villanelle! Great job!
You wrote a very interesting and unique story! Very well done! I went to Disney World this year for only the second time in my life, and I told everyone that in a different lifetime I would have worked there. So reading your story is like having a wish come true! It would be amazing to not only see Disney behind the scenes but also be next in line as CEO and be able to talk to Walt Disney for advice. Your concept is refreshingly original. One area that could improve your writing is the amount of dialogue. If there is too much dialogue in one area then the page looks chunky. It makes me feel like I'm reading texts instead of an interaction between two characters. Breaking it up with descriptions of what the characters are doing and seeing could add some variety. Overall, great job! I can't wait to read what else you've written. Side note- I'm super glad Tower of Terror wasn't overhauled into a Guardians of the Galaxy ride. I love Tower of Terror!
What a sweet poem! It reminded me of a former student I had when I taught elementary school. You have a very clear rhythm and flow, which made my eyes glide across the poem effortlessly. Writers like you leave me envious of your talent! Keep up the great work, I can't wait to read more of what you have written.
Wonderful. Your mother has an incredible mind for rhythm and flow. As a resident of Arkansas, I totally understand the wild seasons this part of the country gives us.
"Will it be a jacket or fur coat?
Those are the seasons in Oklahoma."
So well said.
Have you ever published your mother's poetry? It's wonderful that she started writing poetry in her 80's. I'm going to mention that to my own mother when I see her next. Being in her 60's, she believes she's too old to try something new. Not true, as your mother has clearly taught me.
Beautiful! I'm completely melting over here. There are no words for improvement, you a great writer. I can't wait to show this to my English professor tomorrow, he will go crazy for this. I'm inspired to say the least. Please keep writing, for the sake of all of us!
Beautiful! My favorite lines are "coffee wafts around silent old men; frost settles", "two leaves and a stone; your face blocks my path", and "even biscuit root blooms whether noticed or not". You have a wonderful way with diction. You've also inspried me to try haikus! I was a bit confused with the numbers, but after a few read-throughs, it began to make sense. Very well done! I can't wait to read more of your poetry.
Simply wonderful. You took a heartbreaking topic and crafted it something beautiful. Losing our parents to something as terrible as Alzheimer's is terrifying, and you perfectly captured the confusion, heartbreak, and care. I can't wait to read what else you've written.
Very well done! A powerful poem with delicious diction. I'm a sucker for interesting word choices. I was distracted by the lack of periods. It read in my mind like one breathless sentence, which seemed unnatural. I think some carefully placed periods would add even more punch to your already amazing poem. Great job and keep it up!
This was a very impressive piece of work! I can tell you put a lot of time and effort into crafting something entirely unique. You should be proud of yourself for putting something you created out into the world. I really appreciated your knack for flow. The story seemed to effortlessly progress across scenes, and I was never left feeling lost or confused. As I'm sure you know, that isn't as easy as it seems! You pulled it off wonderfully. I also enjoyed the character development. Each character had ample time to shine, and that was a real treat to see.
There are a few notes of improvement I noticed that I think will enhance your story and writing even more. First, in your effort to progress the romance between Adam and Tamara you threw in a few scenes that I think were unnecessary. For example, Adam making Tamara exercise with him didn't seem realistic. For such an independent lady, I'd expect her to say "Heck no!" and go about her business. The only development from that scene was Adam ogling her body. I found myself thinking "Yes, she's hot, we get it", and that's not a nice feeling. It's good to make every scene meaningful. Maybe a better way of progressing their romance would be with an activity more realistic, such as sharing coffee on the deck or watching the waves. Something adults would do together as they get to know one another.
Speaking of realism, there were a few things that completely took me out of the story. For instance, Tamara was completely hassled by Mark, but later reveals she is a black belt in karate. Why didn't she use her skills against him in the beginning? Also, why was she forced to stay in bed for 24 hours after fainting once? I understand this was a device to progress Tamara and Adam's relationship, but perhaps she should have hit her head or otherwise injured herself when she fainted. That would have made her stay in bed more believable. Something else that rang unbelievable is Adam's card tantrum. I can't figure out why that was placed in the story. For me, it would have been a major red flag. To see a grown man get that furious over losing a game would have sent alarms off in my head. And then Tamara is apologizing to him? For what, winning? That didn't ring true to her character. Another thing that didn't ring true to me is her agreeing to marry Adam so quickly, and right after finding out Mark knows she's on the cruise. She has said in the story that she has a hard time trusting men after what Mark did to her, and now she's forgotten all that and willingly marrying someone she hardly knows. And here's the kicker- he initiates this after finding out she's a virgin. Why is that such a big deal? To make the story more believable, I would have nixed the marriage on the cruise ship and saved that for the end. That way the big reward for the characters is a happy wedding.
Those are the main things I found to be problematic. The next bit is just a personal pet peeve I have when it comes to writing. First, the use of the word "almost". "His moan was almost audible at the next table." and "She gave him a smile which almost took his breath away". The reason I don't like using that word so often is the imagery it gives me. I'm imagining the loudest moan ever- so loud that it almost reaches the next table in a busy and loud dining room. That's a loud moan! And I'm also imagining a man nearly choking to death over a smile. Do you see the problem? It's too dramatic, no smile has ever almost made someone stop breathing, and a person moaning in protest wouldn't moan nearly loud enough for anyone a table over to hear.
Overall, you did a great job! I can see you have a passion for storytelling. Keep it up! Practice every day and keep sharing the stories you create. The world needs great storytellers!
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 4:02pm on Nov 18, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
