This has promise and I like the use of vagueness. That said it also seems like it could be a little more specific and a bit less direct to the reader. II really like the style, it reminds me of Jeff the Killer's story. Unlike Jeff though your story has a subtlety that Jeff lacks. I'm eager to see what it looks like after revisions.
The start of the story was great! I was hooked in and really compelled by way you described the setting. The ending felt a little weak and there were a few spelling errors though. I also wish it was just a bit longer an had a little more character development but other than that it was a good read.
I like the idea that it was all in her head, but I noticed some grammar mistakes and verb tense issues. I also think that it could use more suspense which would draw the reader in more. The little man could be a little more vague of a villain type character, and the story never explains exactly why the little man would have acted any differently if the girl did look at him. Overall I like the concept though.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mr.sideburns
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 6:59pm on Jan 29, 2025 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
