This was a really neat story. I liked how you started it off (probably my favorite part). I love little details like that, so stuff like that always sticks out. This was really good and I like how it covered so much in such little time (With me, it would've taken ages.).
I just have a few things and they aren't major. Just a few spelling errors.
All of the "it's" which talk about the beast. For example: "It stood on the bank of the frozen lake, thin tendrils of mist billowing forth from it's nostrils, deep blue eyes scanning the lake that spread before it."
It should read:
"It stood on the bank of the frozen lake, thin tendtrils of mist billowing forth from its nostrils, deep blue eyes scanning the lake that spread before it."
It's refers to it is. Its shows possession of whatever "it" is.
"Just a little farther she thought."
This should be:
"Just a little bit farther, she thought."
"The beasts ear piercing cry rung within her ears, her fear almost making her lose sight of the task at hand, but to do that would mean all was done in vain, but none of that mattered now she was there, all she had to do now was survive."
This should be "The beast's ear piercing cry rang within her ears. Her fear almost making her lose sight of the task at hand, but to do that would mean all was done in vain. None of that mattered now, she was there and all she had to do now was survive."
"Then they collided, the sheer weight of the beast threw the helpless girl off her feet but the sharp claws dug into her shoulder, panced lanced through her body and she let out a cry as the thick crimson liquid spewed from her shoulder."
Should be:
"Then they collided; the sheer weight of the beast threw the helpless girl off her feet, the sharp claws dug into her shoulder and pain lanced through her body. She let out a cry as the thick crimson liquid spewed from her shoulder."
"A deep thunderous crack resounded through the air, and the monster reeled back in pain, blood shot forth from it's side as it frantically searched for the hidden attacker."
Should be:
"A deep thunderous crack resounded through the air, and the monster reeled back in pain. Blood shot forth from its side as it frantically searched for the hidden attacker."
"Two more shots followed the first and the monsters neck exploded, tiny bits of flesh plastered the girls face and flowed spray out."
Should be:
"Two more shots followed the first and the monster's neck exploded. Tiny bits of flesh plastered the girl's face and (blood?) flowed out."
"The girl stared in horror as the last of the beasts blood beat out onto the snowy ice, staining everything it touched with a dark crimson, she stared at the thing as the last twitches subsided and the beast lay still, then, and only then did she feel safe enough to give into her own injuries and the weakness that was quickly claiming her body and mind."
Should be:
"The girl stared in horror as the last of the beast's blood beat out onto the snowy ice, staining everything it touched with a dark crimson. She stared at the thing as the last twitches subsided and the beast lay still. Then, and only then, did she feel safe enough to give into her own injuries and the weakness that was quickly claiming her body and mind."
This was a really good story and I was really glad I read it. If/When you fix these minor things, I will be happy to change it to a 5 Star rating. |
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