\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/msmenozzi
Review Requests: OFF
3 Public Reviews Given
3 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by MsMenozzi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.5)
This is quite a cute piece, but you suggested that you want it to be a "short story meant to be like a journal entry", and I am afraid that - for me, at least - it doesn't quite manage that. It feels more like the latter part of the description: a journal entry.

I found myself smiling often, but I fear this may be more because I have been to the places you describe here, and my own memories are filling in any blank spots.

So what about those readers who haven't been to Florence, or to Pisa - or anywhere in Italy? Perhaps you could elaborate a little more in the details, and give the reader something for their mind's eye to focus on?

For example, tell us more about the David, the violins, and why they affected you the way they did. What do you mean "I got my picture taken holding up the Leaning Tower"? Detail the silliness that surely took place in that moment. Did you get harassed by the guards telling you to get off the grass? Did you see other people doing the same pose? Why was Mitch leaning on a collapsible stool? When else has he fallen over?

Etc, etc.

If you give a bit more detail, then the reader can see the experience you're describing. Otherwise, it really *does* seem like a journal entry, which has no meaning for anyone beyond the person who wrote it.

Make me smile because of *your* story, not just my own memories, and this will be an even more memorable piece. Perhaps you should just tell it as a story instead of a journal entry. Or you could read published journals to see how established writers draw you in with the details of their own lives, and try to do the same, for yourself.

Make us see, feel, smell, taste and hear it for ourselves. Show, don't tell. (I know you probably are as sick of that phrase as I am, but it has merit.)

I'd love to see what you do with this piece as you flesh it out a bit more. Good luck with your writing, thanks for sharing it, here.
1 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/msmenozzi