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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mtowngirl
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14 Public Reviews Given
70 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Nickelette Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Please remember that everything I say is merely my opinion and that you, as the author, are free to use or ignore it as you please!

This is an interesting beginning to your story! I really like the idea you have set up, and Kyleigh promises to be an enjoyable protagonist. However, I do have a few suggestions that I think might make this even better.

First off, I think the prologue might be a bit more engaging if it was from Menes' viewpoint. As is, it reads like a history book. This may well be what you were going for, but it isn't the most exciting way to begin your story. I'm just assuming that do to the ending he may have a part to play in the book, so let the reader form a connection with him. To be 100% honest, I don't feel too strong of a connection with any of the characters. I know this is just the beginning, but I think it is good to include just enough emotion to make your reader want to invest in your protagonist from the very beginning. Right now I can see that Kyleigh is supposed to be likeable, but I don't really feel it. Just reveal a tad bit more of her emotions and thoughts in all her reactions. Show us how much she's invested in her hunt to find the Thylacine, show us why she has to nail this discovery. Then we won't be able to help but love her. *Smile*

Second, the perspective got kind of wierd in the middle. You started talking about "we" after telling the beginning from Kyleigh's point of view. Maybe it was just a typo, because you go right back to the world from Kyleigh's POV. Either way, you'll want to address this issue. It drew me right out of the story for a few seconds while I tried to figure out what was going on.

Please don't let anything I've said upset you, because this is a good piece. I'm just giving you my personal opinion on it. You've presented an intriguing setup with characters that seem like they're going to grow into people I love. I just think a little fine tuning will make this piece shine even more. *Bigsmile*
So, please keep up the good work! I look forward to watching this piece grow.
2
2
Review of Solo Be  Open in new Window.
Review by Nickelette Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Please remember that anything I say is merely my opinion and that you, as the author, are free to use or ignore it as you please!

You've got a nice, simple poem here! (My favorite kind *Smile*)
The flow is nice and you've got just enough emotion to draw the reader in, without slapping them in the face with a tearful ballad.
My only concerns:
Should the line "Ambission tendency" read 'Ambicious tendency?' I'm pretty sure that's what you meant.
Also, I think you should exclude the 'are' from the beginning of the next line.
Otherwise, this is an enjoyable little piece. Thank you for sharing it. Keep up the good work!
3
3
Review of The man who can  Open in new Window.
Review by Nickelette Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Please remember that everything I say is merely my opinion and that you, as the author, are free to use or ignore it as you please!

This is a pleasant, simple poem, and I'm quite fond of it! I think this would make an excellent children's song. In fact, I sang it in my head while I read! *Smile*
I don't know that there is anything I would change about it. The only issue I had was that the line "And he loves us every one;" is slightly awkward to me. I think maybe if you put a comma after us, then the pause would make it flow better. Yes, I read it again with a pause and it flows perfect!
Thank you for sharing this cute poem! Keep up the good work!
4
4
Review of Samarra  Open in new Window.
Review by Nickelette Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Please remember that everything I say is merely my opinion and that you, as the author, are free to use or ignore it as you please!

I like the idea here, as well as the melancholy but kind of angry tone. I did notice a few grammer issues that I will point out.
I don't think there should be a period at the end of the line "the lives of so many"
You also have "a number in you textbook" this should say your
You also say "and then they'll be nothing left" I think maybe you mean there'll?
Last, you say "so when you whisper you're prayers at night" which should be your

I love the fact that you kept this poem simple and let the emotion flow through. My favorite part is:
My feet feel the ground,
Cool,
Hard,
Stable

You have a lot of talent, Sienna. Keep up the good work!
5
5
Review of Prologue  Open in new Window.
Review by Nickelette Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Please remember that everything I say is merely my opinion and that you, as the author, are free to use or ignore it as you please!

This is a promising start to your novel, Chase! You waste no time and dive right into the plot, setting up an immediate conflict between Dilis and the young king. In addition, you manage to develop Dilis quite well in such a small space. His unwavering loyalty and honor force your reader to admire him. (I personally love him because his reminds me of Maximus in The Gladiator! *Bigsmile*)

I enjoyed your description of the dying king, but I wish I could have seen a bit of what Dilis looked like, and maybe a trait or two belonging to the new king. Nothing too major, just a little detail like hair or eye color, height or build. For instance, when you talk about the anger on the new king's face, you could slip in an adjective like handsome, fair, portly, pinched, hideous. It's just one word, but still helps the reader form a mental picture.

You used a TON of complex sentences here--not a bad thing, mind you--but it might be a good idea to incorporate a few simpler sentences, as well. Looking back, the only short sentences I see are dialogue tags! *Laugh* Writing in complex sentences is great, but so is including a variety of sentence structures. Reading complex sentence after complex sentence can be daunting, so try giving your reader an occasional break. Also, using a complex/compound structure with less frequency will create a natural emphasis each time you do.

Using complex sentences also opens up the door to run-ons. You did a pretty good job of avoiding them, but I did notice a few slip-ups. When you're reviewing your work, try mentally breaking up your longer sentences and see which way sounds best. If you think they'll sound better short, then don't be afraid to put a period! *Bigsmile*

Overall, I only noticed TWO serious problems in this prologue. Yes, two. I commend you on that! The first is that all of your characters speak with differrent levels of formality. It makes perfect sense for the guard to sound less educated than Dilis and the nobles, but I think this will flow best if Dilis, the old king, and the new king all sound the same. I think that if the king was the tiniest bit less formal and the guard sounded a tad bit smarter, the dialogue would be perfect.

The other issue is that you switched tense halfway through this. The beginning is in past tense, using verbs like sat, touched, turned, while the end is in present tense with verbs like stands, moves, slows. You need to make sure that you pick the one tense that is going to work best for this piece and stick to it. Personally, I think past tense worked best, but the choice is all yours!

This is a wonderful opening to your story, and I think that as you both grow this piece is going to mold into a modern epic. I'm looking forward to watching this progress. Best of luck to you and your story, and PLEASE keep up the good work! *Smile*
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