\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/multiman
Review Requests: OFF
11 Public Reviews Given
11 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Stargazer  Open in new Window.
Review by Multiman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like the way you think! This touches on the primary subjects/themes I mostly write about, including in my poetry. Therefore I, especially, can pick up and connect with what you’re saying really strongly (especially the universal instruction and temporary illusions etc.). The word choice makes this piece accessible for all readers, I think, to connect with conceptually as well, although I might suggest smoothing out or rewording the “lights from...” stanza - or even rearranging some syntax or something so that is sounds more fluent and continuous. Anyways, I dig it. If you ever want to discuss this exciting topic further and maybe collaborate on something, please don’t hesitate to message me. Good work, keep creating!
P.S. I highly recommend you read: Biocentrism, by Dr Robert Lanza.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review of Transitions  Open in new Window.
Review by Multiman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow, great visuals! That wasn’t convoluted and it painted a clear picture in my head with some rhyming to top it off. The Storm scene is one of favorites in poetry. If I had to give some kind of criticism, I’d say maybe you could smooth out the rhythm a bit more with metering or alliteration or something to make it even better. Good stuff! Keep it up.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
3
3
Review of Midnight  Open in new Window.
Review by Multiman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow! This is a very creative idea. I love the concept of that perfect moment - that perfect storm. This piece blazes with hot, anarchic motive while jerking your emotions at the same time. I especially like your writing style. For example, italicizing his LAST glass brought a pretty gloomy but vivid scene. I was there! This has excellent detail. I also appreciate the closure you made as you finished off each of the characters' ideas/actions at the very end.
Now, I only have a few suggestions for improvement, in my opinion. First, I know that you are going for a more creative and informal style rhetorically. However, you might want to think about making your sentences flow better. In addition, make sure that they complete their thoughts. For example, near the end you say, "She was so stupid, of course he stood her up! Like she was special?"
So, here I see some comma splices where there should probably be periods or semicolons and some transition words. This would at least make your words easier to follow instead of the reader having to go back and double check what he or she just read. Also, I really don't see a need for a question mark there. Try reading this story out loud and see if it flows and sounds natural. Also, it wasn't very clear to me at first which girl was out in the cold because the one that the guy was making out with left, so she could be outside as well. Finally I wasn't able to connect the drinking man with the father of the cheating wife's baby. There are many men that drink. Maybe I'm just slow. I don't know.
Overall, you did a super good job, and it was hard to stop reading. You have excellent voice here and a way of showing feelings. Good job!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
4
4
Review of Imaginary Friend  Open in new Window.
Review by Multiman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
First of all, let me just introduce myself as a fellow lover of the idea of imaginary friendship. I love to write stories about imaginary friends, and I, personally, have had experiences with imaginary friends even in my adulthood from trauma and other things, and I really liked the way that you incorporated it. Katie's back story sets the stage very well for her ethereal experiences with Theo considering her trauma and all. In fact, thinking about it gives me chills. However, I must say, the first half of this story came across as more telling than showing. I would have liked to see more dialogue and more specific experiences that she had and felt growing up. What sort of feelings, smells, sights, and moods did she have in the house. Was Theo her only friend? What else did Nana think about theo? Yet, I felt the intensity of the story sharply increase during the second half of he story like an exponential graph as Theo's visits became stranger. You described the characters very well and used a decent amount of active verbs that gave me crisp visuals of the characters' profiles and actions. I couldn't stop reading from the part that Theo's visits changed all the way to the very end. Now, I feel the need for one final thought: As I was reading, I had to pause and read the previous couple sentences from where I left off because I couldn't see transitions between sentences at parts. Although most separations of paragraphs worked, I still felt that some sentences in the same paragraph should have been separated. For example: "Over the years, Katie saw little of Uncle Heath, and he was often distant when he was home. Though Katie missed her parents, she came to love Nana as much as any mother."
These two thoughts are sort of a bunny hop away. I thought you were going to go further in depth about Uncle Heath, which I wanted to see. Try reading this aloud to find the snags. Overall, this is a pretty good story, and it can go really far. I hope this helped! :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Review of YOU BE THE JUDGE  Open in new Window.
Review by Multiman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
First off, the beginning really hooked me. Paul's reaction of suspicion to the knock on the door reeled me right in. In addition, the dialogue was set up and structured well with colorful words as descriptions hinging on it, such as "gingerly." You avoided the word, said, which, in my opinion, helps to color the piece very well. However, I felt a loss of color as I pounded through the paragraphs and sentences - they got a little dry. To me, this is because you used a lot of passive verbs, such as "was" instead of getting into the intimate feelings of the characters and talking about their body language, their surroundings, the details of their appearance, etc. For example, I have no idea how old Paul or Jim even are, nor Paul's wife. I didn't even know who Jim was until about three lines after his introduction. It was almost as if you wrote the different paragraphs of your prose as bullet points - telling the story instead of showing. Finally, my eye caught some little punctuation details that you might want to comb over.

For example:

"Mr. Frank was told to see Paul Bell and ‘straighten him out’ Not only that, but, he might avoid prosecution if he returned all of the money promptly with penalties."

Here, you are missing a period or some sort of closure punctuation after "'straighten him out.'" The two sentences are mashed together, and I had to read them again. Apostrophes aren't enough.. Also, this is a good example of using the passive verb, was. Yes, Mr. Frank was told to see Paul Bell, but I want to see how he was told to do that. Was his boss yelling and slamming the table about it, or was he sort of reluctant to "straighten him out?" I'd really like to see some more dialogue and detail going on there.

Overall, I absolutely love the theme of this story, and the title does it justice - no pun intended. The mixture of mercy and justice in our government is a huge controversial issue that needs serious work these days, and I earnestly sympathized with Paul and his wife when he explained the heart-wrenching story about his daughter, even though I was a little unclear as to what Jim's real feelings were about it because he sounded robotic and just following his job protocol. However, I truly loved the last line, which he spoke; it really left me thinking for a minute.

Good job. Keep writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
Review of Happiness  Open in new Window.
Review by Multiman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This topic is right up my alley. I have had a lot of personal journeys that ultimately led to me realizing that happiness, as said in this poem, is only forged in the heart and mind - internally. Yes, it is really hard to forge often times, but it is the only way - attitude. The wording is very enchanting. I feel as though I am reading an old and wise proverb. Now, I don know If you're aware of this or not, but he spacing between lines is incredibly huge. I don't know if you did his for effect or whatever, but it kind of interrupted my train of thought in your content. I had to figure out where I left off on the beginning of each line, kind of like a stutter. Overall, this is pretty solid, and it packs a good punch by using a lot of commonly used verbs, such as buy and sell, for a topic that is not commonly discussed - happiness. Therefore is personalized it. Great work.
7
7
Review of Suffocation  Open in new Window.
Review by Multiman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I sincerely treasure this concept. It is especially important and applicable to me because I have OCD. And, with many diverse influences and people with expectations around me, as well as self-defeating/guilt problems, my thoughts and expectations for myself literally drive me insane - to the point that I cannot function. After a while, in fact, I get so caught up with defeating myself that I actually forget what I am really beating myself up about or about how to fix it or about what the actual problem is. Yes, in fact many people suffer with this problem, so I think it's very appropriate that you did this, as it can be internalized by many. Now, if you're into details and technical stuff, I just noticed a couple of things that I think could use some improvement: First, I had a hard time staying into the groove of the poem the whole time - it got a little choppy. For example, in the first two lines don't really match in syllables or in any kind of structural unity. Perhaps if you take out the objects, "words" or "ideas," it would help keep the artistic flow. You could also use a shorter or more colorful verb than "being." For example, maybe you could say, "But the words forced down your throat." If I were you, I would just keep an eye out for this because I can see it here and there. Again, I LOVE the concept, and it needs to be brought up more in writing these days. Also, the parts that do flow flow very well so that I feel as though I am being warned. Super cool. And this is just my humble opinion. Keep writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
8
8
Review of Juice  Open in new Window.
Review by Multiman Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
First of all, the meaning is incredible. I love the metaphor about the half-empty glass. It gave me chills, and I thought that it was very orderly and professional to repeat this at the end. It gave the poem a pow sandwich. The line, "The sound of a man becoming nothing," also made me want to do some jumping jacks because it sounds so cool. I am all about the shattering, construction, and integrity of a man. Also, I loved how you mentioned mundane normalcy. I think that that is a subject that need to be addressed more often in writings. In addition, I thought that the poem flowed pretty well overall. However, I thought that it got choppy at some parts, such as, "Oozing through
What would otherwise be
Undoubtedly impossible
A once solid man-made mass
That has drastically changed
The chemical composition"
It's got some pretty sweet ideas in this section, but I think the semantics could be rearranged to better flow off the tongue. Also, I think the poem is a little long, and it got kind of dry, as the same ideas were basically repeated over and over at times. Perhaps try condensing it into some smaller but more potent content as well as some more potent words. Finally, I think that mentioning the purpose of the poem and explicitly saying that something is a metaphor sort of breaks the fourth wall. Readers want to figure out that something is a metaphor rather than having it handed to them. Anyway, overall this is pretty solid, and it kept my eyes glued all the way through.
Keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
8 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/multiman