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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/munky6
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146 Public Reviews Given
146 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Honest but not cruel. My aim isn't to completely destroy your will to live and write... but equally if something isn't right I'll tell you. My reviews are often very rambly, but in great detail.
I'm good at...
Grammar... if you need a proof reader I'm the person for you!! A range of writing styles... poetry, short stories, scripts... I love reading all of these! Highlighting the positives as well as the negatives! It's important to know what you do well and what works in a piece (often it's hard to see it yourself).
Favorite Genres
Confessional writing, exploring personal experiences and emotions. But anything really, I'm not fussy...
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and romance (purely because I don't read any in order to give a knowledgeable opinion on it for reviews)
Favorite Item Types
Poems, short stories. character summaries or plans etc. - the bare bones of an idea. I also really love reading scripts! As a scriptwriter myself I'm always keen to see other people's styles.
Least Favorite Item Types
Longer stories because I don't have enough patience for them unless they're really gritty.
I will not review...
Erotica Anything racist/homophobic/ prejudiced... you get the idea. This includes any satire mocking these topics.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Tanner  Open in new Window.
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like this story, it's super endearing and sweet, and nice and uplifting.

I do have a few suggestions, which are mostly grammar mistakes, etc:

- I personally don't understand your use of the phrase "mansion of a dream". I think, especially in the first sentence which is already quite wordy, it is quite clunky and doesn't really convey what you mean. Do you mean it's a big dream? A great desire? Usually I'm all for unusual uses of phrases, but perhaps stick to a more traditional colloquial term for this.

- in the same sentence "to own a beautiful steed like the book "Black Stallion". I think you're missing an 'and': "a beautiful steed like in the book". Again, this sentence is very long and so doesn't really grip the audience very well. Perhaps try splitting it into two sentences? "All her life, Jeanie had a great dream. She longed to own..."

- your paragraphing is also quite disjointed. In the same paragraph you jump from her deepest desire, and then to a store, and then to a bus, and then to a doctors... it's all very disjointed and leaves me feeling quite confused about what exactly the direction of the story is going ,and what the purpose of the paragraph is. If you don't mind having a longer piece, perhaps spend more time describing each individual place, and their relevance, and then separate these into separate paragraphs.

Overall your story idea is great, so sweet and really interesting, however I think you need to go back and do a bit of editing and revise your work - this piece has such great potential but unfortunately the grammar mistakes distract from it.

Keep Writing :)
2
2
Review of Speech  Open in new Window.
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was so simple but so emotional. I'm so sorry for your loss, and know that reading this poem helped me come to terms with my own loss just a little bit more. Keep writing the amazing work you are and stay strong!

Michael Rose
3
3
Review of City Sorrow  Open in new Window.
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
this was very beautiful and lovely and short! I love the structure of your stanzas and your rhymes are very subtle but beautiful!

My one suggestion is being really pedantic: the line"shelter not the things that I love" felt very clunky? Whilst I understand it is written in a more traditional English word order, for me I felt it seemed out of place with there rest of the poem which flows so smoothly. Perhaps try "shelters nothing that I love" or "does not shelter what I love" or just play around with the sentence a bit!

Having said that, I really love your use of language, especially the final triple "sunshine, mountains, and clouds." Whilst so simple, it evokes such strong and beautiful imagery.

Keep Writing :)
4
4
Review of Candle's  Open in new Window.
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow! this was stunning. I love the comparison with a love and a candle (which is so much softer than the usual 'burning desire' trope and therefore so much more beautiful and relatable).I also really love the way you have structure your poem, with the varying line lengths in free verse.

The poem is short and sweet!

Keep Writing :)
5
5
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello and welcome to writing.com! This work is very interesting and has lots of potential!

However, I do have a few suggestions (some of which are quite big):

- firstly, the biggest one: I think a lot of this can just be cut. Obviously by this I can tell that you are building up to going into a longer story, however as introductions go a lot of it was unnecessary information
- your first prologue paragraph makes very little sense to me; I think what you are trying to say is 'stories often have
cliches but this isn't one of them', or something of the likes. Honestly? Don't tell your reader that, they should just know
that when they read your work
- having said that, I do like the sentence "some stories are just meant to be told" and I feel that if you started with
something along those lines, about fate or how you just desperately need to get this story out there, it will be much more
engaging
- on a similar note, I personally really dislike your self-description paragraph. Realistically, what person introduces themselves (even in writing) by describing their eyes as "dirty green" or comparing themselves to a "Victoria secret model"? For me, this whole section was cringe and annoying, and pointless. I don't care what the character looks like, I want to know what the Frick this story is going to be about!
However, if you do want to describe your character, try to weave it into the story. "Character B looked into the mossy pools of A's eyes" or "I may look like a Disney Princess, but don't mess with me!" The description needs to tell me something about the character a bit more interesting than how they look (be it oh Character B likes A or be it that the character is feisty and won't take any s***)

Having said that, there are some really great moments in this piece, and I'm sure that once you actually get a roll on and get to the juicy bits of the story it could be great! You've done very well to vary all your sentence lengths and you use a range of punctation (especially in that opening paragraph). Your writing style and grammar is excellent and engaging, you just need to refine your storytelling skills.

Keep Writing :)
6
6
Review of The Fair  Open in new Window.
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I really love this poem. The structure is very individual, without it become too itty-bitty or clunky. I love your use of indents especially, which I rarely see in poetry!

I do however, have some suggestions:

- I personally feel that your six staggered words should not be part of the previous sentences. By that I mean "Then churns to a halt. / Silent. / Dark. / Still. " and "A glass of wine./ Peace. /" etc. I feel like you could really exaggerate how you've separated them from the rest of the poem, by making sure each line is endstopped. Of course, it is only a suggestion and the poem works perfectly fine as it is now! I'm really just being nitpicky.

- I also feel that your final "An empty room" probably doesn't need the article. This is for two reasons; it feels very jarring against the previous one word staggers (although of course it would still be two words) and also because, looking at the presentation of the poem on the page, it is less aesthetically pleasing because the neatness of the poem is broken by the length of the line. ???

However, I really love your use of "sugar-spun" which is such a new and interesting way of conveying positive ideas, and also really nicely links to the idea of a "Ferris wheel" or amusement park! I also really love that little bit of comedy that seeps into the poem, with the parents becoming desperate for "a glass of wine" and the children not wanting to go home! You perfectly encapsulate a brilliant part of everyday life with just those few short lines!

Overall, an incredibly stunning poem!

Keep Writing :)
7
7
Review of Sunrise  Open in new Window.
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really love this! It's simple but sweet, and your use of language is individual without become too obscure.

I especially love your use of "lemonade-bright" which is so unique!

My one suggestion is incredibly pedantic: in the line "poetic scenes, I dream, spinning" I feel like for me it would be better as "I dream poetic scenes, spinning" - making the poetic scenes the object of the sentence rather than just a random tag along at the beginning of the sentence??

However, having said that - the line is perfectly fine as it is and I really am being pedantic. This is partly because the poem is soooo good I'm struggling to find anything really wrong with it!

Keep Writing :)
8
8
Review of Lonely Times  Open in new Window.
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I would suggest you change one of the tags to be "religious" instead of two others, as I went into the poem expecting thoughts and feelings and instead got religion.

however, that aside, this is a great poem. I love the use of rhetorical questions and the structure is very good. whilst for me this poem doesn't especially speak to me (hence the suggestion for tag change) it is a great poem!

Keep Writing :)
9
9
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Woah. This gave me chills! So creepy...

I really love both versions of this piece, but I especially love your newest version. I would even suggest expanding the piece into a short story!

I really love the imagery of "crunching them on the floor" and it would be amazing for you to expand on that imagery!

However, there are some grammatical mistakes in the paragraph, likely due to transferring it from poem form (where grammar doesn't matter so much)

- "Invading my mouth... to scream" doesn't have a main verb. Either put a semi-colon or comma, or perhaps a dash in "further; invading" OR just change "invading" to "they invade" or "they are invading".

- on that same note, you change subject in the middle of that sentence. while I understand what you mean, "invading" and "powerless" have the same subject. Instead, try "As they invade my mouth... I am powerless" or "I try to scream, powerless, as they invade" or some other version. You need to basically clarify that the ones invading and the ones who are powerless are separate people

- finally, you don't need a comma when you use the connective "but". This appears a few times in the piece. for example "I'd pull it from my eye-socket but I'm too far gone". If you would like to create a pause between them, try a dash or an ellipsis to create a pause, however a comma doesn't work there.

However, with a quick re-read and an edit those grammatical mistakes can be easily fixed. Most importantly, your imagery, use of language and description, and story-telling abilities are amazing! The story is gripping and chilling!

Keep Writing :)
10
10
Review of Taytum Willows  Open in new Window.
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I really love this character plan, it's a great start to begin a story!

I do have a few suggestions:

- the tragedy of the whole of her family dying in a house fire - whilst it does add backstory (and could potentially be her fault for the accident, adding another dimension to the story) - I personally feel not everyone should have died. Perhaps one of the members of her family survived, but with life alternating injuries? This would add an aspect of her life 'before' the fire and create tension between her and real-life characters

- perhaps in your plan create some potential scenarios? For example, 'what would be your desert-island soundtrack' silly ones all the way to 'if there was an apocalypse what would be your game-plan'. Having varied questions that are unrelated to the narrative really helps build genuine characterisation. I'll have a look online for resources for you and send them through after this, if you'd like!

However, having said that, this character does sound really interesting and has lots of potential to lead an epic story! I especially love the characteristic of being resourceful and inventive, as that will keep the reader on their toes!

Keep Writing :)
11
11
Review of Just a Stick  Open in new Window.
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really like this poem! I love the form and how you have centred the poem on the page to give it such an elegant look! I also love your use of punctuation, which is really varied (especially for a poem!)

I do have one suggestion: you use the word "just" slightly too often for me. Perhaps that was intentional, to highlight the smallness and averageness of the "stick" but for me it became a little too repetitive and therefore a bit boring. Perhaps instead try "only" or "merely", or simply cut out the word completely. Not saying you can't use the word in the poem (I especially do love when you use it in that first line) but just... not so often.

Overall, though, this is a really outstanding poem! Its joyful and hopeful, and also slightly humorous. A great success!

Keep Writing :)
12
12
Review of Saving the Moment  Open in new Window.
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a great poem! I love the rhythm of the poem, and the overall story is breathtaking!

Your final line is especially amazing, with the question really surmising the pain and frustrations of the entire poem.

I have one suggestion, that on your first stanza, you give "just so" its own line. I felt that would really emphasise those words and make them more meaningful.

A really incredible poem!
Keep Writing :)
13
13
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really loved this poem. Short, sweet, and melodically joyful! In fact, I can't really find any flaw in it at all!

Keep Writing :)
14
14
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem was really beautiful. I love the use of rhyme, which is really fluent, and I also love overarching theme of seaside and sealife.

My suggestions:

- I do slightly dislike your structure. Not hate, and it didn't detract from the flow of the poem, however I felt that it made the poem's appearance on the page slightly odd. On the one hand, your stanza structure is fairly strict and traditional, on the other hand you have used ~ simples and your final stanza is irregular (in that, if your first and last were both three, then that would create a chiastic structure, however the fact that two stanzas at the end are three lines makes it feel imbalanced).
I'm not sure I've explained that very well, feel free to ask me more questions about that

- the line "just like when I saw you then" felt a lot of nothing. There are a lot of substance words you are using to make up the metre, but that don't actually add much to the story. Perhaps change "then" to "my friend"; it would still create a nice flow to the line but would communicate a deeper meaning rather than simply locality and time.

HOWEVER, I really love your use of language at its peak. Lines such as "satin ribbon...spool" create lovely alliteration and use somewhat obscure words that we might not see in our everyday. I also really love your use of punctuation, only using it for emphasis rather than grammar.

Overall, a pretty amazing poem! I love the narrative, well achieved for a poem, and overall any of the negatives are mostly easily adapted.

Keep Writing :)
15
15
Review of Lost at Sea  Open in new Window.
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
this was amazing!

Firstly the rhyme and rhythm are so natural!

But more importantly, the story itself was engaging and the characters really well formed for such a short piece. I was somewhat relieved that you didn't miraculously save the couple, as it made the poem more believable.

Overall an amazing piece I can't fault!
16
16
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was such an interesting descriptive piece. I really loved the dissociative way you have described the environment, making something as familiar as our own homes feel other.

I especially loved your description of all the trinkets filling the house; your use of imagery and language really created this suffocating feeling for me.

I did notice a few things to improve:

- grammatically, I don't think "though near without fail someone slips out" in paragraph 5 makes much sense to me. Perhaps there is a spelling error somewhere?

- I found near the end of the piece I began to loose focus; I feel as though you begin to become quite repetitive near the end. Although you address new ideas, I found I struggled to be as engaged near the end as I was at the beginning. Perhaps shorted your paragraphs so you repeat yourself less, so you can still cover all the things you want to say? Or perhaps go back to the end of the piece and have another edit, make it more engaging??

However, I really loved this piece. I don't normally read much prose on this site, so it was a nice break for me!

Keep writing :)
17
17
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
The description in this piece is amazing! I wish there was more of it (although I understand that you wrote this as a 100 word piece).

However, I do have a few suggestions, although these might be difficult to achieve with your word limit:

- I feel like you need some longer sentences in there; you have plenty of short sentences and one or two medium ones, but since there are no longer sentences the paragraph feels very.. itty bitty?? If that makes sense?? The paragraph doesn't flow very well. Even if you just introduced a semi-colon between two of your sentences, this would make a massive difference to the flow of the para

- on a similar note, your use of punctuation is a bit stale. Lots of full stops and commas and the one semi-colon. Perhaps this isn't helped by the length of the piece, though

- finally, more in a presentation point: perhaps have double spaces between paragraphs, as the paragraphs feel very squished and small. Just by doing this the piece will feel much longer, making it more pleasurable to read and look at on the page

HOWEVER this piece is amazing and all of my previous points do stem from the shortness of the piece. Part of my problem with the length is that your writing is just so good! I want moreeeeeeee!

I especially loved "its lustrous surface". I'd never seen "lustrous" used in that context before and it was really engaging and interesting! You use a great range of intriguing vocabulary throughout which is often a failing in many works on here so well done!!

Keep writing :)
18
18
Review of Strange  Open in new Window.
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was a really engaging story! I'd love to see you make it into a short story or even a longer one!

I especially loved your matter of fact tone, the way you introduce a talking spider into the scene so casually as if we should expect it! it almost created this sense of comedy to the scene which I love!

One suggestion: I think that "I think you'll find tis case worth your time" should be on the previous line, without a new paragraph. In the previous sentence, the spider is the subject. You haven't changed subject so you don't need a new paragraph.

Overall, this is a really engaging and unique piece!!

Keep Writing :)
19
19
Review of Laundry Detail  Open in new Window.
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really loved this story. It was funny but also had some interesting messages about taking help for granted and family life.

The only thing I am confused about is names. Who are Brenda, Henry, Nicole and John? Are they other members of the family? The children and the husband are clear to me, with the dialogue and the descriptions of them (you naturally got this information into your piece without making it clunky, by the way) but before this paragraph about the chores being done they aren't mentioned?

Apart from that I really loved it!

Keep Writing :)
20
20
Review of November  Open in new Window.
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really loved this poem! I love the rhyming, which, although simple, is really engaging and feels really natural within the poem. I also love your use of language, especially "wintered white". I thought that was a really interesting way of describing the colour of leaves!

I have one suggestion (although quite a big one):

I feel as though I need another stanza? The second stanza is amazing but to me it isn't bringing the poem to a close but rather building momentum. I have absolutely no idea what you would put into a third stanza, though, rather unhelpfully.

Really this poem is so amazing that I just want more of it!

Keep Writing :)
21
21
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
The idea itself is good however I don't think as a summary it is very engaging or exciting.

A few suggestions to improve:
- shorten this
- clarify the point of this book... is it a teen drama, a romance, is it sci-fi or mystery (he's coming back from the dead), or is it just a religious story; at the moment, from your summary I can't really tell
- somewhat linked to the previous point: prioritise your description. At the moment, the first introduction to your story is focused around school and your character looking forward to a bright future however... is that the point? whatever you want to be the most engaging point of this summary, put it first.
For me as a reader, I found the mystery of Liam's scenario far more interesting than the previous section, but I have to wade through the unclear and sporadic descriptions of school life and a preoccupation with religion before I reach that bit... this is the bit that makes your story interesting! Highlight it!!!

Overall, the idea isn't bad and I'm sure if I was handed this book I would love to read it... but with this summary? I quite frankly would just put the book back on the shelf without reading it.

I hope this has not completely crushed you! You have some really amazing moments here but you just need to clear away the clutter.
22
22
Review of Touching Angels  Open in new Window.
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
hi there! I thought this poem was really interesting and it has some great imagery!

I did have a few suggestions:

- in terms of presentation, perhaps don't have the dotted line before your final two stanzas; you don't need a physical line to create pause because that's what a stanza break does; I feel like this sort of format is great for children's poetry or epic poetry, but for such a short poem it feels slightly ridiculous

- On a similar note, the poem as a whole feels very rushed. Perhaps you could introduce an extra stanza of imagery, or change your stanza length...

- As a suggestion, near the beginning of the poem I was very confused as to where I was... we begin talking about a blue sky, but then we are up a mountain... perhaps help this transition with a 'pan' over to the mountain, which would also help give the poem that much needed substance

Overall, though, I thought this was a wonderful poem! I love your opening stanza, with the imagery of the blue sky so vivid for me! A great way to open the poem! I also especially love the image of the sun painting halos on you.

Keep Writing :)
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Review of So Glued!  Open in new Window.
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
A great poem! I love the cheery rhyme and tone, and the subject matter is fabulous! You've made something boring and typical interesting and fun to read!

Keep Writing :)
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Review of Autumn  Open in new Window.
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really love this poem! You've managed to use a very predicable form without it becoming boring or pretentious!

I love the imagery you use, especially of nature spreading the "yellow carpet" - it's a really great metaphor and very refreshing (i.e. "carpet" for once not meaning snow haha).

It's a great and uplifting poem!

Keep Writing :)
25
25
Review by Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really love this idea!

I don't know what the frickety frack the show is that you are referring to but the idea is great even without that knowledge!!!

(one point: maybe check over your spelling and grammar for this post, it's a bit messy here and there)

Good luck writing this story!! :)
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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/munky6