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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mwajani
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4 Public Reviews Given
4 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Mwajani Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Brevity is the soul of wit...but this might be a bit too abbreviated to get the effect the author wants. It has a hook but not enough development of the secondary character to decide whether she is a guard, an avatar, an image, or what?
Intriguing premise.
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Review of Heavenly Light  Open in new Window.
Review by Mwajani Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
What fun!
I enjoyed the simplicity and elegance of the ideas.
My one recommendation is to to substitute 'only' in ln 12 for a monosyllable as you have faltered in the iambic rythym. Might I suggest 'cold'
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Review of God  Open in new Window.
Review by Mwajani Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Emotionally distant. It needs something other than a statement of belief (or in this case non-belief) which seduces the eye the ear or the mind.

I would lengthen the lines and use example to show rather than to tell.

A consistent or prominent metre might draw the reader into a conspiracy of assent which the short choppy lines do not.
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