Hello! Thanks for writing such a wonderful story. I could feel your own confusion and despair as I was reading this, although I'm sure pretty much anyone could because it's a subject that is close to everyone in one way or another.
I really like your effective use of dialog snippets mixed in with personal narration. It really helps to convey the sense of grogginess and confusion you are trying to relay.
The only suggestion I have is to fix your spelling error in the first paragraph. The sun would peek from behind the buildings in the morning, though it would peak in the afternoon in the sky.
Good luck with your Writer's Cramp entry! It was very well written!
This is a bit like one of those old proverbs, and indeed teaches the meaning behind, "Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it."
I like the twists and turns this takes and really think you've done a good job telling the story from beginning to end. You've done a great job with characters and making them come across as intended. I'm completely sympathetic with Corby and really want him to end up with Droleen because of the way that Gretta treats him. The dialogue is well done and I like the rhymes that were a part of this.
The only thing I might recommend is removing the quotation marks around the individual verses, and perhaps leaving them at the beginning and end.
"Muddy earth and cloudy sky.
Horse hair makes the clean shoe glow
We heat your worms in our pot.
Open our mouths so our tooth will show."
It is, of course, mostly personal preference but is also less distracting to read that way.
Thanks for sharing this and have a wonderful day! :)
This is an adorably written article, with a bit of humor and tongue-in-cheek advice about being who you are, regardless of the looks others give you. I love your internal dialogue inserted into the dialogue of the article. It would be easier to differentiate if you italicized them, though. ({i}text{/i} = text.) Also, your paragraph spacing is a little distracting. I would look at double spacing, instead.
(even if it’s my mom’s you-look-like-tsunami-just-washed-over-you criticisms) <~~ loved this!
life!Here’s a question for you <~~ life! Here's a question for you
Warning: Ignore the shrugging shoulders, rolling eyeballs & scrutinizing looks. <~~ I love this, and would love to see a couple more sentences added on about not allowing others' judgments to mold your individuality, or something along those lines, since that appears to be the statement you're making throughout the rest of the article.
Thanks for sharing this. :) I really enjoyed reading it.
This seems to be a great start to a short story. I like your opening paragraph and all of the description you put in it. You've painted a great mental picture to the scene and even to the cowboy. I would love to see you improve upon some of the dialogue. It seems awkward in some places, although it might make more sense as the story develops.
Make sure to watch your punctuation and spacing. You've indented quite a few lines and some of them do not match the others. This is more aesthetic than anything.
Please let me know if you add more to this. I would love to continue reading the story. :)
How interesting that 30 % of the voted Writing.Com, along with myself, is an INF-type personality! I also happen to be an INFJ, although I don't necessarily think that I am a judgemental person.
I found this poll to be very interesting and I like that you offer a link to a version of the test. All in all, worth the time I spent working on the answer!
This poll is such a touchy topic. On one hand, I don't feel like there are enough jobs to go around right now for unskilled labor. On the other hand, a lot of the illegal immigrants are taking jobs that nobody else would take, otherwise, because they just want to work.
I also feel like Mexico shares some of the responsibility in this problem because of the condition the country is in. They don't regulate labor as strictly as the U.S., so low-wage jobs don't give workers the chance to better their situation, which leaves Mexican citizens feeling like the only way they're going to be able to support their families is by working in the U.S., where even a minimum wage job is better than anything they could find here.
I think that your poll options are a little off. Yes, some upper-class citizens might hire illegal immigrants to do their gardening or be their maid, but there are a lot of farmers and corperations who also benefit by employing them for less than they would have to pay US citizens - under the table.
There was a company in Michigan that got caught in the act of this in 2007! I'm sure there are plenty of others who haven't been caught, yet!
Wow! I love the take that you had on the prompt! You did quite well with making it suspensful and interesting! Good job!
The only thing I spotted is that there's a line break in the middle of the second sentence of the second paragraph. Also, in the title, I would capitalize most of the first letters in each of the words.
You are receiving this review because you requested it at "Invalid Item" !
Strengths
The format of this poem really caught my eye! I really liked the entire thing, especially how certain words are isolated to make the emotions conveyed even more successfully.
Suggestions
I almost have no suggestions, but the only one I notice is a matter of personal style and doesn't really reflect on my rating:
Your poem seems to be written almost as a single sentence, so I would omit capitalization in most of it. Other people may say differently, but I think it would help to further convey feelings of isolation.
Overall Impression
Effectively conveying what you want! Enjoyable read!
You are receiving this review because you requested it at "Invalid Item" !
Strengths
I loved your rhyme scheme and how this flowed from one stanza to the next. It felt sort of whimsical in reflection of a dream and I really enjoyed that.
Suggestions
Additional punctuation would help this to flow much, much better, within stanzas. There are several lines where you repeat the last word from the previous line as the first word. Instead of letting it run from the previous line to repeat that word, try adding a hyphen:
For landing was easy
as never before,
but take-off meant memories-
memories I'd soar.
I'd also advise using commas where it seems most natural. If you read this aloud, you'll know where the natural pauses should occur. When I read stanzas that have no punctuation except at the very last line, I always read it as though there's no pauses.
You are receiving this review because you requested it at "Invalid Item" !
Strengths
This gives a lot of food for thought as the lyrics/poem progress.
Suggestions
Is this meant to be lyrics or a poem? My review is affected by this kind of information. Right now you have this listed as a Static Item > Other. I would consider editing your item to change it to either a poem or lyrics.
Overall Impression
Interesting things to think about in relation to this item!
I like the darkness that this poem conveys. It flows quite well, and seems to be fairly technically sound.
There were only a few things that threw me off about it. The first being that it was a fairly predictable poem. I had a feeling how it was going to end before the ending came, down to the last line.
Also, instead of ".." at the end, you should use, "..." or an elipses.
Well written, and an interesting read! Thanks for sharing!
You are receiving this review because you requested it in "Invalid Item" .
Strengths
You have a very interesting concept here. I definitely got the feeling of insanity as I was reading through this. The narrator's voice was rambling and a little crazy, and I felt that it set the tone of the story well.
Suggestions
Your paragraphs are a little too long. This story should be more than seven paragraphs long, even if you added nothing else to it. There are several spots in paragraphs where the subject changes, even though a new paragraph isn't started.
A few tips to remember:
Dialogue should be in its own paragraph, even if it's inner dialogue.
As a general rule, paragraphs are usually only 3 - 5 sentences long.
When you change the subject or a new set of actions, you should start a new paragraph.
It'll help your story flow better and will make it easier to read.
Overall Impression
An interesting story with a great conveyence of its tone.
I found this quiz to be quite entertaining! The questions were well-thought, although some of the answers didn't have an appropriate choice for what I would do/have done. I was able to choose the next closest, though.
The results seem to be well thought out with a reasonable explanation for said results.
Find this quiz and many others featured in this week's Contest & Activities newsletter!
What an awesome quiz! I found the questions to be pretty standard, with witty answers. Though some of the choices I would actually make weren't included, I found the results to be fairly accurate in the way I would describe myself.
Bottom line:
If a Writing.Com member is feeling a little fruity, and isn't sure which fruit they should identify themselves as, this quiz would sort that out for them.
Find this quiz and many others featured in the next Contest & Activities newsletter!
You are receiving this review because you requested it in "Invalid Item" .
Strengths
The idea behind this story is a great idea, because it may help rape victims tell their story before it is too late.
Suggestions
Mostly, I felt that the father's reaction was a little harsh. I grew up with one of the most strict fathers who had anger management issues, and I couldn't even picture him reacting in the way you've described the father reacting, in this case.
I loved the repetition of this. It made it flow very well and read like a song!
Suggestions
The last stanza doesn't feel as put together as the first three. With a rhyme scheme of abcb, you didn't quite accomplish that with this stanza. Goodnight and goodbye are similar sounding words, but not exactly rhymes. My suggestion, since you're saying goodnight, then finding pillows, would be Now it's time to turn out the light! or something similar.
Overall Impression
This is a poem I would read to my son. I think he would enjoy it, as he enjoys anything with a good rhythm.
You state yourself intelligently and in a way that makes me understand what you've gone through in your life.
Suggestions
I only found one major technical flaw:
to prevent some of tham from beingMisspelling of the word them.
Overall Impression
You're a very strong person who has had to overcome some adversity in your life. You explained what your disability is quite well, in a way that I would be able to understand. I thought this was a very intelligently stated look into you!
How true. It's very sad what goes on in the world today. It would be nice to find a solution to the problems of homelessness, violence, and mental instability.
Suggestions
S2, L1: people should be capitalized, Just should be lowercase.
L2: Period should be used in place of question mark.
S4, L2: I would consider changing this to read in haste they move their feet.
S5: You go from people ignoring the homeless to the homeless looking for someplace to go, without changing your subject. This makes it seem as though those who are ignoring are the ones looking for someplace to go.
Thank you for sharing this!
Melissa Reviewathon Reviewer
Another wonderful libonelle. I very much appreciate the story. I couldn't imagine being a mother who has lost her son, but this does a pretty good job of relaying those feelings.
Suggestions
The lines are way too long in this poem. I would consider completely revising this so that they are shorter and easier to read. For instance, S1:
These changes are only suggestions and up to your own personal judgements
She walked the sloped, flowered covered grounds trying to find her son.
She found him resting peacefully under the elegant hundred year old oak.
It was a nice, beautiful day, with the sun shining brightly upon the glistening grass.
She heard a voice coming from under the tree, as she looked up she and saw her son standing there.
This would make it read:
She walked the grounds, trying to find her son.
She found him resting under the hundred year oak.
It was a beautiful day, with the sun shining upon the grass.
She heard a voice from under the tree; she looked and saw her son.
I hope that you found this review helpful!
Thank you for sharing this!
Melissa Reviewathon Reviewer
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mworden
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 1:12am on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Thanks for writing such a wonderful story. I could feel your own confusion and despair as I was reading this, although I'm sure pretty much anyone could because it's a subject that is close to everyone in one way or another.
Overall Impression 
Welcome to Writing.Com!!! 
This was hilarious and very witty! I enjoyed reading this from beginning to end!
Great job!!!