I was impressed by the thought process of this "dreamer." How often we go along life wondering if we should be doing something else; or have we missed our calling; or ask self the question: "What am I doing here?" I think this is the point in life that this dreamer finds him/herself. (That's if I am interpreting correctly). If this is not what you wanted to come across a suggestion might be to punctuate (this might show the seperate thinking of the dreamer(s), unless this is just one big question. I enjoyed sharing the posings of your inner-self. good job!
I believe this to be a great start to something more. I liked the way you started (the first three lines). After that I felt that the piece gets a little off track, with the affect of losing the reader. You may want to go back a see if you can solve the problem through punctuation, one suggestion:
"....
....
you betrayed me(.)
....
why be friends now(?)
so you can throw me on the ground (--)
put a knife in my back,
again(?)"
Again, great start search yourself and see if your heart has anything else it wants to add.
What a tribute to one's soulmate! You have described, so brilliantlly by the way, what I myself desire -- love unconditional from one and by me together. The beginning of this piece was it for me -- you grabbed me then and as a great poem should you held my attention throughout. Great job. I loved the descriptive language you chose, and as you can see by my rating there is nothing I would change about this piece. EXCELLENT!
What a wonderful piece. I greatly enjoyed the path you took me down. I loved the imagery and your positivity even through death. for us who know Him, what an awesome thing to know that His love is so unconditional, we are allowed to find life eternal. I thought you expressed that wonderfully in the last stanza.
Magoo, the rating you have received along with the awardicon was definately earned. I found myself waiting for more as I laughed, and through great imagery saw what was going on within the patient's mouth. Great job, please continue to write on, as I will be enjoying more I'm sure.
Great job! For one who usually rhymes you found the freedom in free verse. Great imagery and way to stick with where you started (this could have gone off track). Very descriptive and although focused on the physical, I felt the inner emotions of a lover also. I really liked this piece.
What an inspiring piece to all! For all of us at one point in time - even as believers may lose our way. But oh, what a wonderful right for those who believe - for what a greivious debt for us He paid! I understood every word, because I have lost my way before too. I enjoyed the positiveness you injected into the piece, eventhough the action (losing your way) was, I'm sure, hurtful. My favorite part:
"Praise be to He
Whose love focused on me
And paid my terrible debt."
Write On!
Yes, Blackbutterfly, I feel the realness of your words. What an excellent job at capturing the human dilimma, choice, reality, etc. of one's heart, experiences, pain, happiness, etc. (At least that's what you did for me). What I found interesting was that you were so mellow in describing this reality. I loved the question that memory asked at the end of each stanza. Just one suggestion: How about placing an "a" between the words "to" and "place" on the within the first line of the last stanza. Great Job! Write on because I look forward to reading more!
I liked this piece. I enjoyed the vision of truth and reality within the words. What a great feeling when you've done something you never really felt comfortable in doing! I thought you captured a basic human experience, in a warm, mellow way. Great job! Look forward to reading more!
Wow! You have put in perspective how wonderful, yet fragil life is. How thoughtless, we as humans can be unless there is something tragic going on in our lives... within our own families. When I thank God for those he has placed around me, and given me as family, and for the saints all over the world, I never partitioned for those sick and suffering for whom I don't know. You have beautifully placed on paper what goes on around you, which you cannot participate in, with no anger or malice. thank you for making me more aware. Bravo for your strength and your willingness to share with others what you and others go through and think about!
I found this piece very interesting and informative. Great title to back up what it seemed you were trying to get across to the reader, i.e., for those who have never found themselves in "the hood." I liked the imagery you implanted within the poem, and how you built up the emotion from the beginning to the end. At times I felt the way you punctuated disturbed the rythem, yet all in all I thought the emotion, and description made up for that. Just a few typos: "lound"/ loud; "noises"/ noise; "here"/ hear; "weep"/ weeps. If you're going to leave out the "a" in around, 'round(line 3); in line 17 need a puntuation mark at boys or how about: "A scene that every black boy has heard." Was not sure what you were intention was with the punctuation at the end of on' in line 21. Overall what a great start! Welcome and write on!
Thank-you StoryMaster, this is great just what I was looking for! Still I am having trouble figuring out how to take an item and post it on the "Request Reviews," "Read A Newbie," or "The Shameless Plug" pages. Do I need to get on these pages and type an item directly or is there a way to take an item from my portfolio and "paste" it there?
These words were a picture show in my mind. I stuggle with getting what I see in my mind to show on paper for the reader to see. You did it in 283 words...Great job! How do you see the story in your head and show it on paper? If you have any helpful suggestions, I should would like to hear them. Since trying to start writing a drama, I've found that writing poetry is much different. Songs from my soul are much easier to describe than visions in my head. You did an excellent job with this piece!
Nicki, how do I even start. This has already been given first place as well as it should. This is a great short story! How were you able to get all of the feeling: dissapointment, inadequecy, depression, sadness, etc., etc., etc. in such a small place. I ask because I have been where Mariposa was.... more than once! Great imagery, it brought back some memories (that is a good thing concerning this piece). Keep on so I may read on!
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