Hi Skyfall,
I really enjoyed this piece. I like how you have to do a double take on your preconceptions, realise that the character is 'miniscule'.
I like your imagination; imagine if a lantern fish were a sub. Very good!
Hello Ryno,
I was looking though the plug page and I found your story.
To be honest I saw the length of it and nearly turned away but I decided to give it a try and I'm glad I did. Once I started reading I was enthralled, I wanted to know what happened to Jim the night before and then what was Heather's dilema.
You handled the conflict really well. I may not agree with their actions but you made me see what drives them and the feelings they have.
The dialogue is real and engaging.
One thing I might point out, when he meets Heather at the Mayan Grill the Pov seeems to switch momentarily to Heather. This is a little confusing.
That's all i can point out, otherwise a really good read.
You have great imagination. Your character, Toby, was so well described. I especially loved how you portrayed his internal conflict which ended in a jingle.
It was a funny story and really well written with no grammatical errors I could spot.
I saw this item of yours and I took a peek. I'm glad I did. I was drawn to it since you described it as a portrayal of a friend of yours and I enjoyed the picture you painted.
This girl is reclusive and yet gifted preferring things of quality. Maybe she feels she can't go out in the world but it sounds as though the world is the loser.
There is feeling in your writing. I like that. It feels as though UI have been introduced to someone you really care for.
THat was poignant. I believe you get to the center of how a survivor of brutality feels. Even though a victim knows they should be able to put something behind them, their emotions say otherwise. You sum it up well in the following sentences.
"She didn't want this, no. The strings pulling at her emotions where not her own anymore. Her puppet strings were now in the hands of rememberance. The past now controlled them."
(In the above I noticed a couple of errors. I believe "emotions where not her own anymore", 'where' should be 'were'. Remembrance is spelled incorrectly. This is a personal thing but I would change "She didn't want this, no." to "She didn't want this. No.")
I liked how you led into the story referring to children's expectations at Christmas, it being the antithesis to how she felt. Then you tie it up again neatly at the end referring back to Christmas with a resolution of hope.
If I could make a suggestion, I would put a space between each paragraph. It makes it a little easier to read.
I enjoyed reading this. You give voice to the pain some feel. A pain that others who have not experienced it fail to understand.
That was a very interesting story. It's one of those that really makes you stop and think. Did Barbara somehow alter events for Ken's future or was the first part of the story an animation of the dolls.
The details of the fall were really well described, graphic.
The story was well paced. I could get into Ken's head. I was pulled into the story. I felt I wanted it to continue but I like the way you ended it.
A great read, well written. I really enjoyed it.
Hi Raine,
I like how you freely express yourself. After all, isn't that why we write. It's so important to spill our thoughts out. It satisfies an inner longing.
I would like to make a suggestion. Some of your sentences are very long. Try to shorten them up. A good exercise is to read it back to yourself to hear the natural pauses.
Welcome to WDC. It's great place to express yourself. Keep on writing.
Welcome to WDC. If you like to write, this is the place for you.
I read your story. I like it. You set the scene well. I can sense the desolation as you describe it.
The dialog between father and daughter is natural and believable. I really enjoyed it and a lot of their background was revealed through it. It was well done.
There is a sense of tension conveyed by the father. He is wary of the dangers and yet wants to celebrate Selena 15th birthday with a dance.
You ended the story with a foretaste of more to come. I would love to read more.
I have a few suggestions that you can take with a grain of salt :)
'He turned the music off and went and grabbed and readied his weapon.' You could replace with:'He turned the music off and readied his weapon.' It would convey the same thing but more efficiently.
'She watched as he limped back to his seat and winced as he sat down... 'winced' should be 'wince'
'Beside the stove was a bridal magazine she picked up when they made camp a week ago.' should be '...she had picked up...'
'nor would she forget the wisdom she parted to her' use 'imparted' instead of 'parted'
I would also suggest you break up some of the longer sentences.
I really enjoyed the story and your Spanish is great! I look forward to reading more. Thanks for sharing.
I guess Savanah is going to visit Missouri. You've made a great start here. I grips me and I do want to read further. You have a wonderful imagination and your character is well thought out. You did get in the background of why the US is split and using the exam instructions was a good way to set the tone of the world she now lives in. It's interesting how you have Savanah accepting that this is a better society. She has really known nothing else. Would I be right is saying that her opinion will now change?
It's important to deliver how the character feels. As a reader I want to feel it. You do this well except maybe it's a little overdone in the second last paragraph. That's just my opinion but maybe if you reworded it a bit it would work better. I don't know if "I felt my back lift off my bed as I swung my legs over the side of my bed," works.
Apart from that it's a great story and I would love to read more.
That's a dark tale. I'm not being critical though. The mother turned out to be really cold blooded. I was led down the same path as Jack. All along I shared Jack's longing to meet this caring, loving and enduring mother. Even when you reveal her cruelty you can nearly sympathise with her. To a point, just like Jack.
Poor Jack. I guess he's going away for good.
It was written skillfully and I did enjoy it even though I was appalled!! I couldn't see any obvious faults in grammar or tenses. (there is a typo of 2 commas in the last line)
The story followed at a nice even pace. Perfect for the eventual twist.
Like me, you are new to WDC. I've been using the website for the last three months. It has been beneficial in the development of my writing and I've really enjoyed it. So Welcome to WDC.
I really like this story. It was thought-provoking. Fiction can be a powerful tool used to drive home a point and you have effectively used it. Your development of the main character Angie is well done. I can clearly empathize with her. I feel her agony in trying to decide whether or not to share the information she holds. On the one hand, she can speak freely about her convictions and possibly be marginalized. On the other hand, she can hold her piece and possibly allow something bad happen to her friends. It's a difficult position to be in and you have portrayed it well.
The flow of the story was logical and it flowed well. You handled the initial flashback very well. Nothing jumped out that was grammatically wrong. Initially, I was a little confused about the numbers until I realized you were referencing. Maybe change the font of the numbers or something like that although the text editor used may not allow it. I'm no expert in this.
I really enjoyed reading your story. It was gripping and informative.She would always look into the things we just take at face value, vaccines being one of them.
Thanks for sharing and I look forward to reading more of your work.
That was a nicely written piece. You vividly describe the feeling you get when teaching someone to drive. I am deeply familiar with feeling as I spent the weekend teaching my daughter to drive. Stess!!
It flowed nicely and logically. I really enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing.
This is a very relevant piece in view of the latest shootings. Such horror and grief!! You relate well the feeling of terror. It's unbelievable that someone could inflict this on someone else.
I picked up immediately that it was a dream you were describing. You painted a surreal picture as one would experience in a dream. It was well done.
From a grammatical point of view, the sentence " I hide pointlessly in an open-sided stairwell looking over the yard, some people hide in rooms, others try to become invisible so the madman will not see them." It might work better if you broke it up into tow or three sentences. for example " I hide pointlessly in an open-sided stairwell looking over the yard. Some people hide in rooms while others try to become invisible so the madman will not see them." Something like that.
That's just a suggestion.
I liked the story and the message you are delivering.
Hi Tom,
That was thoroughly entertaining story. I laughed at his embarrassment when his childhood posessions arrived. I cringed as he slowly made things worse. The style is simple and the direction and it flowd naturally without interruption. I didn't notice any gramatical errors.
Hi ConcreteAngel73,
I enjoyed reading your story. The flow was logical anf easy to follow.
I have some suggestions.
Be careful to narrate consistently in the third person. There were a couple of instances outside of dialog where you used first person; an easy slip of pronouns.
Also double a shift to present tense a couple of parahgraphs in. This might be bettrr left in the padt tense.
One last thing. At yhe beginning when describing the waterfall there are two concurreny sentences beginning with 'the waterfall'. Change the second to 'it'.
Overall an entertaiining read.
Hi Tessa,
I liked that story. The flow of the story was smooth and easy to follow. I could understand her dilema and it felt nice that she has an understanding son.
I couldn't see any gramatical errors.
Thanks for sharing.
Best regards,
That was an interesting read. I like the way Brian told the story and then you finished it. It was captivating. I believe in the power of God and his angels do his bidding. I have no doubt there are angels as we are exhorted to be hospitable as we could be entertaining angles (somewhere in Hebrews).
Thank God your son survived and lived to share his experience. Thanks for sharing this.
I really enjoyed that poem. I too was military and served during the first gulf war. I like the way you spoke of your son as a child and then as a soldier leaving for war. It really brings home the sacrifice not just for the person serving but also for his loved ones.
Thanks for sharing that. It was beautiful and heartfelt.
I really liked this piece. Your use of language is so descriptive. You capture the mood and feeling one has in trying to express themselves especially as we have had to transition to the digital world.
That was a gripping read. I was pulled right into the story. Your description of body language was wonderfully done. The twist at the end, really hammered home a moral dilemma.
It was really well written and truly entertaining.
That was thought provoking. So often we make our lives so busy that we don't slow down enough to enjoy life and those we share it with. I've so often wished I could get out of the rat race and live a slower life.
I really enjoyed that story. Your language is very descriptive, esoecially when you were describing the dreamscape. I was pulled into the story easily, empathising with your character. The challenge you pose of not dismissing everything that out of the norm is something we should all do in all walks of life. An open mind leads to new experiences. although caution does need to be applied.
I enjoyed your story and you nicely portrayed Anna's struggle to remember who she was. Just a couple of comments as a reader. Maybe in the opening paragraph, you can articulate her fear of the hotel or that she knows the hotel. I got the impression she was uneasy because she was unsure of her relationship with Joe, but maybe it was both. Also, I got a little confused in the dialog in the woods start with. ‘You remember her. Don’t you.’ I wasn't sure who was speaking. Maybe add a voice tag to clarify, that's all.
Apart, from that, it flowed well and I enjoyed the concept. Great Job!
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